When we meet others suffering from abusive relationships, our first response is often disbelief. "Just leave!" we say. Just change jobs. Just divorce. Just move out. Yet that is like saying to a sick person, "just get better!" Victims of psychopaths find themselves tied down by a web of lies, promises, and threats that can make escape impossible. In this article I'll describe some of these mechanisms.
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Table of Contents
Motivations
That Big, Bad World
Yours is Ours is Mine
It's not Me, it's You
You Can't Beat Me
The Violence of Silence
Let's Go Back
Conclusion
Motivations
Let's recap an essential point. Our psychopath, Alice, has trapped Bob in a relationship or situation where he's lost control over his freedom and life. He has switched from investing in his own future, to handing over his time, resources, money, and power to Alice. Unlike a normal healthy relationship, where two parties complement and strengthen each other, the psychopathic relationship is one-sided. Alice takes everything she can, and gives as little back as possible.
It is always about economics, and this an important point to keep in mind. Most often, it is about money or time or sex. Sometimes access to property or assets. Sometimes power of different kinds, when it benefits the psychopath in some tangible way.
The pop culture caricature of a psychopath as an unpredictable and insane serial killer is a myth. It is how the mouse describes the cat. "Suddenly the monster was upon us! All teeth and claws… it got my family, luckily I escaped! Crazy!!" And just as a cat does not share mouse emotions, psychopaths do not feel social emotions. No hate, fear of rejection, jealousy or self-pity. And no revenge, nor even enjoyment in the pain of others, it appears.
Psychopaths are scary because they can inflict extraordinary damage onto others without restraint. However, I suspect the worst monsters in history are social humans, fully aware of the pain they cause, and driven by emotions and beliefs that can truly seem insane.
So the "why?" is relatively easy to understand and predict with psychopaths. As long as Bob has something of value to offer, Alice keeps the web strong and tight. As Bob is drained, and becomes worthless, Alice starts the wrecking, making sure that Bob will never talk of his experiences.
Until that point, Alice has to ensure that Bob stays put. This is no simple task. We're all the descendants of an unbroken chain of survivors. The arms race between human predator and human prey has given us all, even the nicest of us, teeth and claws and strengths to call on when we need them.
Bob is, we assume, an adult, and capable of walking out of the door at any point. Alice cannot stop him by physical force. She doesn't need to. Instead, she just explains to him, in different ways, that he has no choice but to stay. There are numerous ways to do this. These appear to be the main tactics:
Cutting Bob off from the outside world and sources of help.
Stripping Bob's assets so he becomes too poor to leave.
Keeping Bob confused so he accepts Alice's arguments.
Breaking Bob's empathy and ability to care for others, and himself.
Breaking Bob's ability to think logically and make plans.
Regressing Bob to a childlike state so he accepts his situation.
Sometimes Alice is an organization rather than a person. Organizations tend to take on the characters of their founders. So when psychopaths bring people together, we see the same patterns as we see between individual psychopaths and their hosts. Psychopathic organizations — investment banks, cults, startups — tend to abuse their members more than they abuse the rest of the world.
That Big, Bad World
Every cult and police state does this same cheap trick: "they hate us for our freedoms!", meaning the devastated wastelands of the outside world, filled with roaming hordes of mindless zombies. The message is clear: "stay here and follow the rules, and you will be safe. Leave, and your death will be slow and nasty."
An antagonistic "them and us" mentality is a bloody Red Flag when waved by a project, organization, or State. If your company defines itself by hate for its competitors, watch out. With individuals it's harder to see. Often the first thing you will see (and often, accept as truth) is a "trail of tears". Alice often plays the victim and will tell convincing stories of her abuse at the hands of parents, teachers, ex partners, and so on.
That's not to say such tales are always false. However the lack of solid old relationships is something to watch for. That persecution complex easily shifts onto Bob. "Do you know what they say about you?" Alice asks, innocently, as she takes Bob's relationships one by one, and undermines them.
Our relationships are rarely strong enough to survive deliberate attack. I once knew a man who's job it was to recruit experts. He didn't wait for people to answer ads. Instead, he simply called a business, chatted to the receptionist, and said, "can I speak to your best <whatever>?", and would be put through. Once he had the expert on the line, he'd ask, "would you consider changing jobs for a promotion and 25% raise in salary?"
Once upon a time in the mid-90's, a firm called Borland made the best software compilers in the world, threatening Microsoft's business. Microsoft hired away Borland's key staff, one by one. The dying firm sued, then settled and was then swallowed up piece-meal, for peanuts.
People asked, at the time, how Borland's staff could be so disloyal. Yet it was easy, and cheap: send limousines, offer million dollar signing bonuses, and be clear that there are a limited number of seats. If you don't join us, your junior colleague will, and one day you will beg to work for him or her.
There are so many ways to create conflict between people, no matter how close, and psychopaths are gifted in doing this, if they can see both parties and get a sense of each.
Let me list some of the ways Alice can discourage Bob from continuing his social life, or building a new one:
Extreme violent jealousy when he speaks to someone of the opposite gender. It's love, right?
Reports of others plotting against him, with convincing detail. Of course they'll deny it.
Forcing Bob to spend so much time on other tasks that he neglects his social life.
Accusing Bob's family of prejudice and a hateful attitude.
Hinting that Bob's colleagues are getting unfair promotions or earning more than him.
Showing flashes of "crazy" to Bob's acquaintances so they learn to stay away.
Slowing encouraging Bob to change his behavior and act weird, so others start to avoid him.
Forcing a move to a new city or country where Bob knows no-one.
Steadily criticizing Bob so he loses the confidence needed to make new friends.
If and when Bob insists in continuing contacts with other people, the next step is the "it's over" drama. In a couple, Alice will pack her bags and walk out. A group will threaten its non-compliant member with expulsion. This is almost always enough to break Bob's resistance. Bob is so lost, so in love, so utterly addicted to Alice that he will do anything to get her back. If swallowing her persecution complex is what it takes, so be it.
Yours is Ours is Mine
It's hard work for Alice. She has to keep tight focus on so many things at once. One is the process of stripping Bob's assets, piece by piece. It has to happen quickly enough to be profitable, yet not so fast he notices.
First of all, Alice makes an inventory. Let's check your salary, savings, pensions, stocks, property. Let's look at your parents. Do you have any wealthy friends? Aged millionaire uncles?
Then, Alice makes Bob invest. Sudden steep investments in new projects is often a sign of trouble. Often it starts small and then grows: new clothes, new car, new flat as investment. One thing Alice is very clear on: this is our project, we are in this together. Over time Bob will realize that he's the only one investing time and money. Alice is neglectful, and wasteful. The new car rapidly gets dents and scratches and falls into disrepair. The flat is mysteriously occupied by strangers who pay no rent and trash the place.
Bob will, sooner or later, go bankrupt. If he's working for a startup that exploits him, he will burn out. At the same time, Alice has her name on everything. If Bob complains that he has not enough money anymore, Alice will accuse him of waste and worse.
"Of course we're going bust, you work like idiots!" says the CEO of the start-up to his team, just before he drives off in his new luxury car. "You spent all our money on whores and drugs!" shouts Alice at Bob, and anyone willing to listen.
"We're in an open relationship," says the guy, knowing that his girlfriend will try harder and harder to get him to commit, while he is "free" to sleep with other women. Your investment in this relationship is ours, he tells her and thus mine to abuse and misuse.
Psychopaths love to get their targets to make "investments", because of the psychology of sunk costs that I explained in my previous article. An investment is always a bet on future payoffs. So much can go wrong, and it always seems to.
A strong defense against the investment trap is gift giving. This is a fascinating part of human culture. We get so much pleasure from our rituals of exchanging gifts, particularly when they are loaded with intangible worth. The pleasure we get from making a successful gift proves that it's about more than receiving objects of value. I believe it's the same joy we get from a good joke: the mutual relief of a "probably not a psychopath" handshake.
I've long held that it's OK to work for free, and it's OK to charge fully for your services. The first is a gift. The second is a transaction, not an investment. However to work at less than your worth, on the basis of future rewards… that is not wise.
In practical terms, you should always be free to walk away from a relationship, be it personal, business, or social. This does not mean lack of commitment. It means clarity and freedom. When a relationship is healthy, you have no reason to end it. And when it is unhealthy, you should not be forced to continue it.
It's not Me, it's You
As Wikipedia notes in its article on gaslighting, "Sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths consistently transgress social mores, break laws, and exploit others, but typically, are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Thus, some who have been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perceptions".
It is already difficult for a single mind to make sense of an infinite and apparently chaotic universe. We depend deeply on others for our sense of reality, even our memories. It's the power of a social species, and also its weakness: isolate an individual and they are putty.
Once Alice has cut Bob off from the other people able to give him frames of reference, she can inject whatever she likes, and make it real. Bob can remain in a state of compliance for years. Part of his mind knows it's a lie, yet even that internal conflict acts to keep him frozen in place.
However the techniques of confusion go much further than simple gaslighting. Most of us are cynics at heart, and the reality distortion of gaslighting tends to wear off. Children of narcissists, for instance, report that they have particularly good memories for conversations and events.
So, here are various ways Alice amplifies the chaos and confusion in Bob's mind:
Rage bombing, in which Alice explodes in anger at some perceived offense by Bob. Alice may ignore Bob's real offenses, if any, and focus on invented accusations. She will repeat these loudly and dramatically, as if they were already proven as facts.
Arbitrary punishments, which are unpredictable, harsh, and enforced with whatever level of violence is needed. At every moment, Bob is "free to leave", yet he stays, and by staying he accepts his crime and the punishment.
An impossible rule book. Every aspect of Bob's life becomes regulated by detailed, inconsistent rules that are impossible to not break. What to wear and eat, when to use the bathroom, what language to use, who to talk to. These rules will not apply to Alice.
Bringing chaos into Bob's planning and personal time. If it's in the workplace, Bob will have to work evenings and weekends. At home, Alice will randomly insist that Bob drop everything to do minor yet urgent errands. If he fails, punishment follows.
Removing Bob's control over his personal space. In the workplace, create communal areas for working, eating, and meeting. Ban all personalization of spaces. Enforce "order" and sterility of spaces. At home, Alice will mistreat Bob's affairs ("Ours, so mine"), and spread her chaos throughout.
Verbal and/or physical abuse. Alice will disparage Bob, accuse him broadly and loudly of sexual misconduct, invent nicknames, and maintain a threat of violence at all times. It can be subtle and indirect (whispered accusations of sexual misconduct are an excellent way to drive away Bob's friends and relatives) or explicit.
Use of confusing language. It could be technical jargon, religious mantras, or any other magical language that is hard to learn and changes frequently. This is a common trick of psychopaths in a group setting, rarer in one-on-one relationships between Alices and Bobs.
Complex doctrines, often based on magical languages. Again, a common tool for psychopaths in groups. By forcing a roomful of Bobs to listen to long and complex lectures on subjects that make no sense, the Bobs simply can't think straight any longer.
Making fear a central axis of the relationship, and calling it "love". Alice will randomly punish or reward Bob, so he never knows what comes next. He will "walk on eggshells" and become afraid of any risks. You can literally spot abuse victims by the nervous way they walk.
You Can't Beat Me
If Alice can convince Bob to imitate and join her, she's almost trapped him for life. The term "secondary psychopath" has been used with various meanings. I'll use it to mean social humans who, in circumstances, develop many of the traits and behaviors of natural born ("primary") psychopaths.
There are difficulties in classifying people as "psychopath" vs. "social". Firstly, we all carry many of the necessary genes and traits, even if they are latent or used in pro-social directions. Secondly, we change, over our lives and according to circumstances.
So a secondary psychopath flips, under certain specific pressures, from a life of positive social interactions to a life of fraud and predation. It's not as simple as a single bite from the master vampire. The process can take years. However the parable of the vampire is useful. A psychopath sees others as prey, helpers, or fellow predators. It's an instant judgment, and defines the psychopath's relationship with any given person.
At least these things have to happen, in any order, and sometimes over a period of years:
Alice must break Bob's empathy. She will do this by making him witness violence towards others, and forcing him to participate in that. For maximum effect, the violence happens to the people Bob naturally cares most about.
Alice creates a "them or us" dichotomy and forces Bob to choose sides. Bob will usually choose the path of least pain, and then rationalize it by accepting Alice's doctrines.
Alice maintains the climate of fear, so that Bob is constantly afraid of punishment for imagined crimes.
Alice creates a power structure where Bob can escape the constant threat of pain and violence by helping Alice.
Alice maintains the threat of expulsion, and tales of the horrors of the outside world.
This sounds awful, and it is. It's the recipe that gangsters use to make child soldiers. It's also how many businesses operate. Accept and survive, or resist and be crushed. The violence and threats may be subtle, and economic rather than physical, yet the "them or us" dichotomy, abusive power structures, and constant danger of expulsion are the epitome of many organizations.
Look deeper, and the distinction between primary and secondary psychopath melts away. This is also how psychopathic parents raise their children. They divide them into helpers or victims. The young helpers train on their brothers and sisters, and emerge at young adulthood as unflinching predators. The victims spend a life as hosts, stumbling from one psychopathic partner to another. Genes have no pity, in their endless race to stay in place.
The Violence of Silence
We can understand the adult human mind as layers, pieces that have grown at different times and speeds, which often see the world in contradictory ways, and yet which balance each other more or less effectively. Our emotions develop very early: a very young child already experiences anger, jealousy, self-pity, fear, hate, joy. Our empathy develops later, when we are teenagers. Our intuition and executive develops slowly, so while a young child can already plan and solve problems, only as adults do we develop our executive fully.
This defines yet another pathway for mind control. Destroy empathy through a steady diet of violence, weaken the executive, and what remains is a child-like mind that responds easily to emotional drivers. This works at all levels from one-to-one interactions to entire countries of hundreds of millions of people.
So how does one weaken the executive? Mostly by creating an external world that is inconsistent and chaotic and where logic provides no answers. Then, by making it impossible to think clearly. Clarity of thought takes time, alone and with other people.
In a domestic setting, as in an organization, the psychopath aims to kill all discussion they can't divert towards illogic. There are many ways to stop the mice talking sense. One can simply ban open discussion, a favorite tactic of clumsy dictators. The more subtle approach is to encourage "free discussion" yet poison the well with divisive topics, also known as "wedge issues". A psychopathic boss, to stop his employees asking why all the executives are getting bonuses, will announce that the lowest ranking 10% of staff will be laid off in three months' time.
A young woman goes to her manager to ask for a raise. Instead of discussing her outstanding work and successful projects, he asks her to consider dressing more appropriately at work. "There have been complaints," he says, "suggestions that perhaps you dress a little too,…" he looks up and down at her, "… flamboyantly." Now what did you want to talk about, he asks? She shakes her head and leaves.
In extreme cases, psychopathic organizations will ban talking when people would naturally socialize — when working together, when eating, or after work. Or, they will use loud noise — music, machine noise, or ever-present TV — to stop any discussions. "Silence!" is synonymous with "Don't think, just accept!"
If talking to other people is difficult, then perhaps Bob can find a quiet moment to himself, to think things through and analyze the day's events. Alice makes sure this is impossible. Early in their relationship, she will cling to Bob day and night, smothering him with chatter, intense sexual activity, and passionate arguments. Later, she will disrupt his schedule with endless trivial-yet-urgent tasks, so he is never at rest. And later, she will torment him with ever-present emotional and physical violence, so he simply retreats into depression and starts to shut-down.
Let's Go Back
The broad, repeated theme in psychopathic relationships is to regress Bob to a childlike state of mind. Many parasites play with their hosts' minds, and human psychopaths are no different. Bob-the-adult is more independent, self-confident, cynical, and assertive. Bob-the-child is more dependent, uncertain, accepting, and passive.
So Alice strips away Bob's empathy and executive, leaving his child mind unshielded and open to emotional blackmail. Since Bob is not really a child, and his mind is working full-time to regain balance, Alice has to keep the pressure up and encourage him in subtle ways to think and feel like a child.
Ben Franklin wrote, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged." Asking someone for favors makes them like you. It is simple, effective, and psychopaths use this constantly. Like many of the techniques I've described, it dovetails neatly with other goals, such as disrupting the host's schedule, or creating space for arbitrary punishments.
The Ben Franklin effect is a mild form of Stockholm Syndrome, which I've previously explained. Either you rebel and say "no", or you accept and feel attachment to the parental figure asking you the favor. From my experience, this also works on psychopaths, if you can fit that saddle.
In group settings, perhaps less at home, Alice will work to recreate the atmosphere of an unpleasant primary school, with rules that punish independence and adult behavioral patterns. Diet is standardized, and food is provided at standard times, so that Bob can't go outside and forage. Meals become a form of discipline. Behave well and you get a cookie. Break the rules and you go to bed without supper.
Alice will dress Bob like a doll. She chooses his clothes to reflect her needs, not his. In group settings, clothing will be uniform, boring, and unflattering, except on special days when he must dress up to show off Alice's power and brilliance. Dressing creatively becomes a crime. Dressing differently becomes a crime.
While adults can and should be free to organize their time and labor, Alice rejects that notion. If they make a contract, then Alice will persistently shift the contract in her favor. If they have no contract then Alice will simply tell Bob what to do, and when. The more tedious and unrewarding the tasks the better. Perhaps if Bob behaves well he can get more enjoyable tasks.
Rigid sterile order (the "clean desk" syndrome) has the same effect as chaos. Imagine that someone goes into your email folder every night and randomly messes with your emails, deleting some, moving others to the wrong folders, and so on. At first you are annoyed and angry. Then you try to take steps to stop it. And when all this fails, you give up and either abandon your email totally, or accept that someone else is now in charge.
Many children of psychopaths describe their parents as "chaos machines", and this is why. Psychopaths don't just neglect their environment, they actively disrupt it. In a world of chaos, we regress to a child-like acceptance. This is well known to propagandists. Keep your public on a steady diet of "Big Bad World" shock and horror, and they don't question the corruption and violence closer to home.
Conclusion
This article reads like a handbook on mind control, and it is as horrid to write as it is to read. If you're the kind of person who would use this, then you don't need me to explain it. My goal with this text is to help you, my beloved reader, recognize when these techniques were, are, and will be used against you. To see is to understand.
At home, in business, in politics: psychopaths learn these techniques young, and use them with an energy that can be surprising. We have one article left in this series, in which I'll suggest ways to use that energy in positive ways. Then I'll wrap the lot up into the promised book.
Comment below, let me know what you think and what you think I've not covered.
by pieterh