I have some very smart friends. And sometimes, the way they speak or otherwise express themselves is just so… Elegant. Clear. Precise. And not only that, some of them think in a way that is so out-of-the-box that I have to do a mental double-take.
My writing skills ought to be above average given my work as an editor and the immense practice in writing I’ve accumulated over 7 years of this blog. But sometimes it’s the people you would not expect who are the best writers or speakers out there. It surprises you. It also humbles you when you are on a pretty direct quest to improve that skill and see someone so natural at it.
Some part of this has to be imposter syndrome. Because occasionally I look back at old posts and think, “Wow, did I really write that? That was good!” But most of all… I am trying to train myself not to compare. Not to reflect too much on whether something I write is bad or good (unless it’s necessary). Trying to stop trying.
I’ve spent much too much of my life trying to be impressive. And I realize that, despite how much I’ve improved as far as not flaunting that fact (i.e., not being a condescending bitch), I know it probably still shows. But it’s a deep psychological issue that is going to take a lot of time to repair. I’ve only been here 22.75 years. I spent at least 10 of them being a pretentious asshole (which is ultimately due to bad childhood experiences that pushed me to feel like I always had to prove myself and establish myself as better). It’s not going to be resolved in only 5 years. Maybe not even 10.
I recognize in certain younger students that same pattern. At first, I would be off-put by it. Which is ironic considering that was me at one point. I was probably making people just as off-put. But instead, now I simply try to understand. Unless that person is being extremely rude or is otherwise out of line, I am able to recognize it yet put it aside. Because I know that, deep down, it is a personal problem. They’re not bad people.
And I hope others can view my minor slips in that light, too.