2015-01-31

Count me in for “Pain & Pleasure,” tbh.

View this image ›

Matt Ortile / Via BuzzFeed

Recently, my roommate convinced me to join David Barton Gym. While I was perusing the course catalogue of fitness classes, I was alarmed by the offerings — but became only more determined to conquer them. Below are a few samples:

1. “Yoga for Jocks”

View this image ›

youtube.com

What the class description says: “This class is for the jock in every guy and girl. It focuses on stretches based on the practice of yoga to enhance performance of specific sports.”

What it actually sounds like: A fun class; would love to try “Yoga For Twinks” or “Yoga For Bears” in the future.

2. “Pain & Pleasure”

View this image ›

James Deen / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “No pain, no gain, that’s the buzz about this 60-minute weight training class designed to add lean muscle mass to your body.”

What it actually sounds like: A very friendly and considerate 50 Shades of Grey role-play community.

3. “Lift & Tuck”

View this image ›

NBC / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Learn how the glutes and core musculature work together to strengthen and shape you waistline.”

What it actually sounds like: A very expensive shortcut to avoid going to the gym.

4. “Blood, Sweat’n Tears”

Fox

Fox

What the class description says: “High repetition/explosive exercises and intense cardio movements will be integrated with boxing drills. This class will challenge your body and push you to your limits—or tears!”

What it actually sounds like: High school P.E. class.

5. “Pressure Cooker”

View this image ›

Cuckoo / Via lsgfan.wordpress.com

What the class description says: “Utilizes a series of foundation building compound movements such as squats, deadlifts, overhead presses, and rows that will work multiple muscle groups at one time while increasing your EPOC.”

What it actually sounds like: Something I use to cook rice.

6. “Lean & Mean”

View this image ›

Vampire Weekend / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Work your entire body in every way possible with weight lifting intervals mixed with rhythm cardio that anybody can do.”

What it actually sounds like: The guys hogging the free weights wearing thin scraps of fabric masquerading as tank tops.

7. “ASSolutely ABBulous”

BBC

BBC

What the class description says: “Effective movements target the quads, glutes and hammies plus the best ab training exercises to reorganize the junk in your trunk and create a sexy six-pack.”

What it actually sounds like: An Absolutely Fabulous episode where Edina and Patsy go to a club with go-go boys on the bar.

8. “Junk”

View this image ›

SNL / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “You’ll be challenged with innovative, targeted lower body exercises designed to increase muscle definition and strength. Your ass and legs will be in perfect shape to wow the crowd as you stroll the beach.”

What it actually sounds like: The front kind of junk.

9. “Guns”

View this image ›

Universal Pictures / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Biceps and triceps, that’s it! Get the arms you want in 45 minutes.”

What it actually sounds like: Uhhhh, guns?

10. “Muscle Playground”

View this image ›

fancy.com

What the class description says: “Learn the form and function of lifting. Creative, technical, challenging and eye opening workouts for the adventurous of all experience levels.”

What it actually sounds like: A dystopian fitness-obstacle course littered with the dismembered limbs of those who failed in the Third Great War.

11. “Rapid Fire”

View this image ›

TriStar Pictures / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Blood pumping, muscle thrashing, oxygen depleting Tabata-style training to increase cardio output and muscular workload.”

What it actually sounds like: A cardio class where you have to outrun a California wildfire.

12. “Rope Burn”

View this image ›

Disney / Via survivingcollege.com

What the class description says: “Light and heavy rope jumping drills combined to give you an INTENSE cardio workout. No jump rope experience is required.”

What it actually sounds like: An aggressive case of Thigh Rub waiting to happen.

13. “Fusion Sculpt”

Toei Animation

Toei Animation

What the class description says: “Blending traditional sculpt with medicine ball training and balance, this class will challenge you to get to the next level with your fitness goals.”

What it actually sounds like: A Yu-Gi-Oh! card that combines your monsters to create a new one in lieu of “Polymerization.”

14. “Fire Yoga”

View this image ›

Nickelodeon / Via polarbeardog.tumblr.com

What the class description says: “Sweat and release dormant toxins through deep breathing, powerful Asanas and mental focus. You’ll transform by balancing energies and exploring your sensuality and power.”

What it actually sounds like: Firebending.

15. “Liquid Yoga”

View this image ›

Nickelodeon / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Be prepared to work and move with this fast-paced, dynamic vinyasa yoga class designed to make you sweat!”

What it actually sounds like: Waterbending.

16. “MELT”

View this image ›

20th Century Fox / Via its-a-potato-universe.tumblr.com

What the class description says: “Burn baby, burn! This workout is designed to help you burn away the fat by keeping your muscles working non-stop.”

What it actually sounds like: An advanced form of Waterbending.

17. “Fight Club”

View this image ›

20th Century Fox / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Cross-train like a boxer by combining aerobic boxing drills with strength movements to increase muscular endurance.”

What it actually sounds like: Well, Fight Club.

18. “Six-Pack Attack!”

View this image ›

impulsegrp.org

What the class description says: “Calisthenics, core training and traditional abdominal exercises combined in a 30-minute format designed to strengthen the entire core with a focus on the abdominal and lower back muscles.”

What it actually sounds like: My Grindr homescreen.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/mattortile/yoga-for-jocks

This post contains Third Party Advertising, using online behavioral tracking technology. You can learn more about our policies regarding online behavioral advertising and your choices regarding such ads here: Ad Choices.

Tags: david barton gym, dbg, Fitness, gym, working out, yoga for jocks

If you enjoyed this post, you should read this: How to Get Great Abs

No related posts.

Show more