What a man needs isn't much. And when his needs are met, he can handle ridicule, setbacks, failures, and major obstacles without taking his eyes off his goals and responsibilities.
When his needs aren't met, there's little you can do to move a man. The woman in his life often holds the keys that unlock the door to his full potential. And his full potential makes her life better, enriches the lives of those around him, and makes his life more fulfilling as well.
What a Man Needs From a Women to Be His Best
I'm not going to write on behalf of every man, anymore than Vanessa could write on behalf of every woman. However, I do think I have enough in common with other men, that this article will have value for those who read it.
When my needs below are met, I'll go through hell without losing determination. When they're not being met, I sometimes feel like the slightest setback can send me off my game. I have a feeling a lot of other guys would feel the same.
The best part is, when a man's needs are met, he does much better at meeting the needs of his significant other. So, if you don't want to meet his needs for him, do it for yourself.
A Man Needs a Purpose
Purpose Synonyms: Ambition • Principle • Goal • Determination
“What can I do today that will have a long-lasting impact?” This is one of the first thoughts that come to mind each morning when I wake.
I believe God has placed in every man's heart, a need to pursue something of long-lasting value. A man needs to feel as though his contributions will outlast his life. He needs something to live for much greater than himself.
That said, a man needs to start living that purpose at home, and then have the freedom to live it outside of home as well.
For example, I need to feel like my actions today, in some way, will enrich Vanessa's life. Yet, if the only thing I did each day was make Vanessa's life better, I'd soon feel like my life isn't being used to it's full potential. It's no different than a wife who is expected just to serve her husband and kids. Eventually, she'll start feeling depressed, as there is likely more that she could do with her talents.
So I need, as many men do, a purpose that extends well beyond home. For today, my further-reaching goal is that this blog post will help other men to see they have similar needs to other guys, and help their significant other know how to help meet the needs of her man.
If a few people are brought closer together because of it, I'd feel like I lived out part of my purpose.
Purpose and His Career
Within his need for a purpose, a man needs a career to leverage his contribution. What that career entails will vary from one guy to another. Yet, without something outside home to focus on, a man can become depressed. This is especially the case after retirement.
A growing body of research shows retirement can be one of the most detrimental decisions to a man's health. Without work, many men lose a sense of purpose.
It's not just men at retirement that are at risk, though. Today, more men stay home. Or, if they work, they might not be the main breadwinner.
For the first 11 years of our marriage, we lived off my income. Vanessa made some money, but for the most part, it was “fun” money for her. Then, in January of 2014, she decided to get started with Young Living. In less than a year, her income had far surpassed what I earned as a Senior Director. So, I resigned from Life Time Fitness.
Of course, we share the money. Technically, it is “our money.” But Vanessa no longer needs me to make money. Without her financial need, I cannot fulfill a purpose in bringing home the (chocolate covered) bacon.
Vanessa and I are not unique. It is more common than ever for the wife's income to be the main income in the family.
Some men find purpose in raising their kids. Others find purpose in service organizations. Still other find meaning in hobbies or other interests.
I had to reflect on where else I could focus my skills, talents and passions. Like writing for Healthy Living How To.
I also put a lot of effort into improving my part in our marriage. I poured into relationship books and sought counseling.
Two book recommendations: If you're willing to read as a couple, I recommend Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich to start with. Guys, if you're on your own with the reading, I recommend The Secrets of Happily Married Men by Scott Haltzman.
I also focused on how I could best support Vanessa. And found some stuff interests of my own to pursue, such as consulting with some fitness companies.
A Man Needs Your Respect
Respect Synonyms: Appreciation • Consideration • Honor • Admiration • Praise
Women have a strong need to feel loved. Men have a strong need to feel respect.
Respect doesn't mean that a man is the “ruler” of the family, although some guys do twist things up that way.
Respect comes through appreciation for what he does right. Every guy does something right, at least some of the time.
If you want him to do more right than wrong, show him appreciation for what he does right, and let go of the stuff he does wrong (I'm not talking about cases of major abuse here).
Respect also comes through consideration of his point of view. When a guy feels like his opinions don't matter, he stops sharing them. He may even begin to doubt whether they have any value.
If you believe your man knows you respect him, and that you don't need to tell him so, you are mistaken. He needs to hear it. He needs to feel it regularly. Just as you need to hear and feel he loves you.
On my birthday, Vanessa posted a really nice message on my wall. It was a sincere message of respect and appreciation. She didn't just say “I respect you.”
It was very personal and meaningful. Of course, if she only shared those thoughts once a year, I would doubt whether she believed them. Fortunately, she reminds me often.
A man can easily roll with the punches from other people, as long as he knows his wife respects him. In fact, a supportive wife is often one of the most important factors in a guy maintaining sanity, working at a job that causes immense frustration.
On the flipside, no matter how much respect he gets from other people, if he doesn't feel respected from her, he will not feel fulfilled.
When a man doesn't feel respect from his wife, he looks for respect elsewhere, just as she looks to feel love elsewhere, if she doesn't feel love from her husband.
A Man Needs Your Companionship
Companionship Synonyms: Friendship • Union • Togetherness • Camaraderie • Partnership
A man can survive alone, but he needs companionship to thrive. When his wife walks side-by-side with him, he feels truly alive.
Just as togetherness fills his soul, strife in the relationship leaves him feeling empty. Though he cannot control how his wife feels, when she isn't happy, he feels a sense of responsibility.
When there is strife, he takes ownership of it, though you may not see it.
As Stormie put it in The Power of a Praying Husband,
It's horrible to have strife in a marriage. It makes us miserable. It affects every area of our lives. And it's probably the closest thing to hell we'll ever know on earth.
– Stormie Omartian
Companionship doesn't mean you have to do everything together. But when you are together on life's adventures, he wants to know you're with him shoulder-to-shoulder – not walking in front, lagging behind, or choosing your own path.
Friendship and togetherness come from really enjoying one another's company. If you don't like being in the same room together, it will be difficult to create a feeling of companionship.
It's during life's most challenging and tragic times that your companionship gets the two of you through.
A Man Needs Your Desire
Desire Synonyms: Attraction • Passion • Lust • Yearning
I've never read a marriage book that suggested the key to a successful marriage is to just become best friends. A rock-solid marriage includes another level of emotional and physical intimacy that two friends would never experience.
Emotional and physical intimacy is a glue that helps keep the two together even in the midst of difficult times.
A man needs to know his significant other desires him. That she's physically attracted to him, and wants to be physically intimate.
Sex is how guys feel the most close and connected. The desire of a woman toward her man suggests she desires the closeness with him.
It isn't necessarily the act of sex that puts fire in a man's soul, it's the fact that his significant other desires him enough to take part in it.
As Tim Keller says in The Meaning of Marriage,
When you get married, you make a solemn covenant with your spouse — the Bible calls your spouse your “covenant partner.” That day is a great day, and your hearts are full. But as time goes on, there is a need to rekindle the heart and renew the commitment. There must be an opportunity to recall all the other person means to you and give yourself anew. Sex between a husband and a wife is the unique way to do that.
– Tim Kellar
Schedules may not allow you two to come together as often as one or the other might prefer, but for a guy, just knowing that his wife desires him can fill is heart with enough to allow him to be patient.
Historically, the hours before bed were a time when couples emotionally and physically re-connected.
It was a time to talk eye-to-eye, soul-to-soul. To look each other in the eyes, and have deep and meaningful conversations. Today's technology has take the place of much of this one-on-one time.
Television, computers and tablets make for more exciting, but far less meaningful entertainment.
Vanessa and I are not immune to the effects of work and technology. We bring iPads to bed and watch our own shows on many nights, rather than doing something together. We allow work, or even other entertainment, to creep into our private time.
Sometimes, in order to feel intimate, you have to act intimately. To feel passion and desire, you have to act in ways you would with passion and desire.
I often try to find moments to watch Vanessa, when she doesn't know I'm watching her. In those moments, I just observe her, and think about how grateful I am to have her as my wife. It doesn't take long, and I feel the fire of my desire toward her burn even hotter.
I took this photo during one of those moments. It makes me smile, and fills my heart every time I look at it.
Act with passion, and the feelings of passion will come. Remind yourself why you're attracted to spouse or significant other, and you'll feel attraction.
A Final Word
Everything mentioned above is simple, but it isn't always easy. Everyone has highs and everyone has lows in relationships. Often, you can get out of the lows faster if one of the two people in the relationship takes the lead.
You might not agree with everything above. That's okay. If you read something that sounded like it was worth a try, give it a good effort.
As a guy, knowing there are a lot of women reading this, I want to leave you with one final thought about the man in your life, from the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her — he lives to please her.
– Patricia Love & Steven Stonsy
If you feel like he's putting in the effort, try refilling his confidence tank with some of the points from above. When he knows you please him, and you're attracted to him, it moves him much closer to becoming his best.
The post What a Man Needs from a Woman to Be His Best appeared first on Healthy Living How To.