This article first appeared on Havok Journal on 07JAN15.
If you’ve been married for a while, odds are that your wife already knows most of your tricks. You pulled out you’re A game to get her attention early, but you’ve run out of aces somewhere along the way. One of the keys to a good marriage is to continue the dating ritual long after the rings are firmly adhered to their respective owner’s fingers. Let’s say for the sake of argument that you’ve committed yourself thusly, but your well of ideas is running a little dry as of late. Not to worry, because I have benevolently decided to share with you one of my most masterful moments of machismo, broken down into seven steps that’s sure to drop her jaw (among other things)
Although you certainly don’t have to be married to use this guide, I highly suggest that you at least save it for a serious, long term relationship. Otherwise you could set a precedent and standard that you can’t hope to maintain in the long run, or it could backfire and she could think that you’re trying too hard and/or coming on a little too strong.
Step 1: Get your wife’s measurements
This is going to require no small measure of cunning on your part and could be the trickiest part of the entire process. Somehow, you need to figure out how to get your wife’s exact measurements without tipping her off that you’re up to something. The measurements that you will need are going to be bust, hips, and waist in inches and/or centimeters. You can’t simply go off of dress or pant sizes because women’s clothing is sized in a completely ridiculous and illogical manner, and it varies widely by manufacturer. Because my wife and I were actively competing in Ballroom dance competitions at the time I pulled off my romantic pièce de résistance I was able to collect her measurements under the false pretense of having her measurements on hand in case I came across a good deal on a dance dress.
I recognize however, that this is an uncommon circumstance so I enlisted the help of our female Havok Journal writers to come up with other suggestions for how this could be accomplished. For the bust size, you need to get your hands on one of her bras. If you’re really smooth you could deftly check the size as you’re taking it off of her, but you risk screwing it up and tipping her off, not to mention spoiling the mood. It’s also pretty risky to go rifling through her underwear drawer, which could raise some very awkward questions if you were to get caught. Instead, try surprising her by doing the laundry. Not only will you be able to get her bra size, but you’ll earn bonus points for helping out with the laundry. I know…you’re welcome. If you already do the laundry regularly, good for you, this part will be easy, but it won’t earn you bonus points. Once you have her bra size, here’s how you interpret it. The number would be the inches around her ribcage and each letter adds about an inch (A=1 inch, B=2 inches added on, etc.), so a 34C would be a 37 inch bust.
While you’re already doing the laundry, check her dress or pants size and the manufacturer that makes those items. Just to be safe, you might want to collect this information from a few different articles of clothing. Once you’ve got that collected, go to the manufacturer’s website and find a sizing chart. This should tell you everything that you need to know about the hip and waist measurements. Keep in mind that a waist measurement is taken approximately at the level of the belly button, so you’ll need to use an article of clothing that actually covers this part of her body. Likewise, to get a hips measurement, the article of clothing you use needs to fit closely to her hips. Here’s a link that explains how measurements are taken for your reference. http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/how-to-get-your-body-measurements.html
Step 2: Go to ebay and do some dress shopping.
Don’t worry, you can do it by yourself when no one else is around. It’ll be a secret that only you and the NSA know about. This can prove to be somewhat tricky and requires that you actually pay attention to your wife and what she says. My wife likes to watch red carpet events and Dancing With The Stars. Every now and then she’d remark on how gorgeous a particular dress was. If this ever happens in your house, make a mental note every time she says something like that. Over time, you should have a pretty good mental catalog built up of what she likes.
Ebay provides a fantastic marketplace for this venture. Very elegant ball gowns that are handmade to your specifications are very inexpensive and in abundant supply. This is the one that I got for my wife.
Step 3: Buy tickets to the opera.
It doesn’t have to be an opera, but make it something classy that you can actually dress up for. The entire essence of the romantic gesture will be completely lost if you take her to a tractor pull. Many cities have symphony orchestras that have performances throughout the year. I took my wife to see a show called “A Night of Great Opera.” It was basically a greatest hits of opera show where a few opera singers, backed by the local philharmonic orchestra, performed some of the most famous songs from some of the most famous operas of all time. It was nice because I know very little when it comes to opera, and I at least recognized a lot of the songs from Bugs Bunny.
If you’re fortunate enough to live next to a big city, you might also see if there’s a Broadway show coming to a venue near you. For example, I just recently took my wife to see The Phantom of the Opera, which was one of the most awe-inspiring performances I’ve ever seen. It gave my wife the opportunity to wear the dress a second time and it also served as a reminder to her of how amazing I am. If none of these are options in your area, you might want to scale everything down a notch and opt for buying her a cocktail dress and just taking her out for dinner and dancing.
Step 4: Present the dress to your wife as a random gift.
It is very important that you follow steps 4 and 5 in order. Messing up the order will lose you style points. You also need to give the dress to your wife as a random gift. You’ll definitely lose style points if it’s for a birthday or anniversary when she’s already expecting something. Present the dress to her first, let her ooh and ah over it, and then proceed to step 5 after a minute or two.
Step 5: Present opera tickets to your wife.
After giving her a little bit of time to marvel in amazement at this gorgeous dress you bought her, follow it up with something like “Oh, and by the way, I’d like you to wear that to this”, and then present her with the tickets. I placed the tickets in the same box as the dress making sure that they were hidden underneath it.
Don’t wait too long however, because then the gesture will lose some of its effectiveness and may seem like you’re dragging it out. If she wants to immediately try it on, you could set your backstop at the point that she’s got the dress on and is marveling at it in the mirror. Otherwise, I’d shoot for 1-5 minutes after you present the dress.
Step 6: Enjoy the opera.
This part may be a bit of a struggle for many of you men out there. Just remember that the Spartans, who created one of the greatest warrior societies that the world has ever known, greatly valued music and art. In fact, some historians believe that proficiency in the arts was valued second only to proficiency in combat in Spartan society.
Step 7: Enjoy the perks of being a legendary romantic.
Your efforts will not go unrewarded.