Mr. Met wouldn’t hurt a fly … wait a minute, what’s he doing with that gun? (via Eric Kilby)
Disturbing news is never in short supply, but one story in a recent baseball book was particularly unnerving.
It is no surprise that a Presidential visit to a baseball game necessitates the usual Secret Service preparations. And so it went in New York when the President attended a Mets game. A.J. Mass, who used to portray Mr. Met, is the author of Yes, It’s Hot in Here, in which he relates that at a pre-game briefing, he (in the guise of Mr. Met) was informed – in no uncertain terms – that he was not to approach the President. If he were to attempt to do so, a sniper would be ordered to deliver a “kill shot.” A kill shot? To Mr. Met? Who’d never been shot by anything more lethal than a camera?
Now this scenario might sound like a skit on Saturday Night Live, but it did not spring from the imagination of a gag writer. It really happened! A good thing Mr. Met didn’t get too frisky; otherwise, a sniper would have blown the macrocephalic seamhead away in front of all those people and all that media. Just imagine Mr. Met – the team’s beloved mascot since 1964 and the first mascot in major league baseball – with entrance and exit wounds in his beach ball-sized noggin and his limp body sprawled across the playing field. Dying on third base is one thing – but this?
How to explain the violent demise of Mr. Met to a six-year-old clutching a souvenir simulacrum of the departed? Initially, it might look like part of a comedy routine. Oh, those wacky mascots! Look at Mr. Met hamming it up for the POTUS! Then out comes the body bag and reality sinks in. What a field of nightmares! Even for a generation reared on zombie movies and video games, it would be a shock to the system.
Now you might feel anger or dismay at what appears to be yet another example of the creeping police statism that dates back to 9/11 and the Patriot Act. This incident, however, occurred in 1997 – more than four years before 9/11. The President was William Jefferson Clinton. You might think he would have had little to fear from the likes of Mr. Met, but apparently the Secret Service felt otherwise. Some New York Post stories relayed rumors about the Prez dallying with Mrs. Met, who allegedly worked as a White House intern before she married Mr. Met. So perhaps the Secret Service felt that a cuckolded Mr. Met was going to confront President Clinton and embarrass him, if not attack him, in public.
Well, as you can imagine, if Mr. Met was suspect, he wasn’t alone. All the other major league mascots were thoroughly vetted. (This is not to say that minor league baseball doesn’t have its share of potentially dangerous mascots, but Presidents generally do not stoop to attending minor league games, so the Secret Service did not concern themselves with them.)
In the 17 years since reading the riot act to Mr. Met, the Secret Service has been diligently amassing information on those other mascots to assess potential threats during Presidential visits. Despite the fact that the mascots’ muteness ruled out wiretapping or cell phone surveillance, the investigation turned up reams of information. In fact, it’s surprising the Secret Service hasn’t haven’t rounded up the whole bunch of them and sent them to Guantanamo.
Thanks to a personal communique from an old friend of mine, who is now an associate of Julian Assange at Wikileaks, an abstract of the intelligence files on major league mascots came to my attention. I realize I risk ostracism, prosecution or worse by playing the part of the whistle-blower in this affair. Yet I feel duty bound to share this with the baseball fans of America. Like me, perhaps you too will be shocked – shocked! – to discover the truth about those creatures we thought were as warm and fuzzy figuratively as they are literally.
The suspects are:
Ace – Toronto, Ont.
A known flasher (email address is nakedjaybird@yahoo.com) who goes streaking through Rogers Centre wearing only the head of his blue jay costume. mailto:nakedjaybird@yahoo.com. Operates out of the reach of American authorities but Interpol has been informed and he is now in its sex offender database. Considered low-risk to American security, since the chances of a presidential visit to Rogers Centre during a baseball game are slim. If necessary, an American asset in Canada can be called upon for termination.
Baxter – Phoenix, Ariz.
Baxter Bobcat (f/k/a Baxter Robert Katt) first ran afoul of the law when he was arrested for sharpening his claws on a palo verde tree at a Scottsdale country club; since he was a kitten at the time, the case was referred to juvenile court. Since then has been repeatedly charged with stalking and consuming the Hulapai Mexican Vole, an endangered rodent species. Repeatedly arrested for public urination on sidewalks surrounding Chase Field. He insisted he was only “marking his territory.”
Bernie Brewer – Milwaukee, Wis.
Positive ID difficult, since mascots have no fingerprints, but face recognition software has revealed a strong resemblance to a former Waffen-SS officer named Bernhard Brauer who supposedly eluded capture before the Nuremberg trials and made his way to a safe house in Wisconsin. He appeared suddenly at Milwaukee County Stadium during the 1973 season. Hides in plain sight by wearing traditional Bavarian garb. When interrogated as to why he immersed himself in a giant beer stein after Brewer home runs, he replied he was just rehearsing for Oktoberfest. When pressed further, he insisted he “was only following orders.”
Billy the Marlin – Miami, Fla.
Often videotaped while consorting with assorted South Florida smugglers. Known for a flat, emotionless, cold-fish demeanor but considered dangerous – has a long history of wet work. Has avoided capture many times with an almost uncanny ability to wriggle off the hook. Expert in camouflage – often avoids detection by displaying himself on a wall as a trophy.
Clark – Chicago, Ill.
Newest mascot in the major leagues is suspected of being a Soviet agent – a mini-me version of the Russian bear. Born in the friendly confines of Irkutsk, rode an iceberg to Alaska, where he alternately disguised himself as a grizzly cub or polar bear cub before making his way down to the lower 48. Surveillance photos show him making occasional visits to Soldier Field, and intelligence insiders speculate that when he grows up, he may transfer his base of operations from the Chicago Cubs to the Chicago Bears.
Dinger – Denver, Colo.
When not working at baseball games, purple triceratops moonlights as a volunteer for a radical animal rights group known as PETEA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Extinct Animals) who have held frequent demonstrations in favor of rebranding Coors Field as Jurassic Park. Suspected of using his mascot job as an aid in grooming children for abuse. During an offseason promotional visit to Leadville, was arrested for corrupting the morals of a miner.
Fredbird – St. Louis, Mo.
Communist agent (Code Name: Feathered Fellow Traveler) is a longtime operative in St. Louis area. Added an “F” to Redbird to deflect attention from his political leanings. Founder of a Memphis communist cell known as Redbirds, but masquerading as a minor league baseball team. Redbirds regularly observed migrating back and forth from St. Louis to Memphis, supposedly as ballplayers but suspected to be couriers.
Homer the Brave – Atlanta, Ga.
Radical American Indian activist who has supplanted the more moderate Chief Noc-a-Homa, whom he once denounced as an Uncle Tom-Tom. Longtime militant advocate of Indian irredentism, so when two tomahawk missiles went missing from a nuclear submarine berthed at Kings Bay, Ga., Homer was a leading suspect. Currently being investigated for tax evasion, as regular scalping of his allotment of Braves tickets has provided him with a considerable amount of unreported income.
Lou Seal – San Francisco, Calif.
Originally suffered brain damage when clubbed as a baby and has exhibited poor impulse control ever since. Often exhibits erratic, volatile behavior – notably assaulting tourists on Fisherman’s Wharf – but most observers think his bark is worse than his bite. When not on duty at Giants games, blends into the sea lion colony at Pier 39 but is sometimes spotted dumpster-diving behind DiMaggio’s Restaurant.
Mariner Moose – Seattle, Wash.
Positively identified as the moose f/k/a Bullwinkle, co-star of subversive 1960s TV show masquerading as children’s entertainment. Formerly under surveillance in Frostbite Falls, Minn. until he emigrated to Canada, where he worked briefly as a spokesman for Moosehead Beer, according to a report filed by one Constable Do-Right of the RCMP. Superbly adapted to northern climes, he became a key figure in the Cold War, and was often observed interacting with Soviet spies who operated under the names Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale. Maintains regular contact with someone named Rocky, apparently a player on the roster of the Richmond Flying Squirrels of the Eastern League.
Mr. Red/Rosie Red/Mr. Redlegs – Cincinnati, Ohio
Cell of communist subversives. Rosie Red (code name believed to derive from Rosa Luxemburg). Repeated attempts to mobilize team’s fan base into a Red Army have not met with success. Nor have attempts to unionize major league mascots. Likewise, call for mascots to stage a general strike has also failed. Have vowed not to cross picket lines should the players ever walk out again.
Orbit – Houston, Texas
Little green man believed to be the lone survivor of the alien spacecraft that crashed in Roswell, N.M. in 1947. Transported in a comatose condition to Area 51 in Nevada where he was kept on a life-support system for years. Eventually awakened from his coma, whereupon he escaped and stowed away on a flight from Las Vegas to Houston, where he found work as a mascot at the Astrodome. Was outed as an extraterrestrial late in the 1999 season and was held under armed guard in the Astrodome for the next 12 years (reportedly the real reason why the dome was not torn down after the Astros moved out). Recently resurfaced as the team’s mascot at Minute Maid Park, but even though subject appears benign, should be approached with caution, as the threat of exobiological contamination may still exist.
Oriole Bird – Baltimore, Md.
According to knowledgeable local sports fans, the original Oriole Bird was the victim of a bizarre plot hatched by Poe, the mascot of the Baltimore Ravens, who was jealous of his rival’s popularity. One informant, albeit a self-acknowledged cuckoo, asserted that Poe killed the actor playing the Oriole Bird mascot and walled up the corpse inside Memorial Stadium after the Ravens’ last game there in 1997. Indeed, after Memorial Stadium was demolished in March 2001, a decomposed body was discovered in the rubble, and the Baltimore County medical examiner estimated that the victim had likely been murdered three to four years before! Local sports fans insist that the actor portraying Poe took over the Oriole Bird’s identity and has performed both roles ever since. As a result, Poe has received numerous death threats from vengeful old-school Oriole fans, who have expressed the desire to kill two birds with one stone.
Paws – Detroit, Mich.
Former Soviet agent was stranded in New Jersey after the dissolution of the USSR. Secured a position at Princeton University, where he was often spotted snooping around the Institute for Advanced Studies, though he was officially employed as a mascot for university sporting events. Represented himself as a Bengal tiger but was fired after DNA tests revealed he was really a Siberian Tiger. After being blacklisted by American universities, notably LSU and Missouri, he eventually turned up in Detroit, where the Tigers hired him. Suspected of being a cats-paw for Vladimir Putin.
Philly Phanatic – Philadelphia, Pa.
Known to exhibit bizarre, unpredictable, and often aggressive, behavior in public, possibly the result of side effects of antidepressant medication. Depression believed to derive from having to live and work in Philadelphia, as well as his poor body image (his obesity is believed to be the result of addiction to cheese steaks and hoagies). In fact, some locals who dabble with the occult have insisted he regularly attends seances where he seeks advice from the spirit of W.C. Fields. Known to be particularly dangerous when behind the wheel, but the Phillies front office quietly pays the fines for his moving violations and declines comment.
Pittsburgh Parrot – Pittsburgh, Pa.
Believed to have entered the USA illegally after South American rain forest habitat was destroyed. Since then has been using the mascot job as cover while he profits from the illegal pet trade, smuggling his fellow tropical birds into the country during the offseason. Uncanny resemblance to Walt Disney’s Jose Carioca character has led to speculation they are one and the same.
Rangers Captain – Arlington, Texas
Horse costume is believed to signify his role in the heroin (horse is a slang word for heroin) supply pipeline from Mexico to the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Started out as a locoweed courier (code name: Pony Express) for the Sinaloa drug cartel. Mentored by a retired mule mascot (Charlie-O of the Kansas City Athletics). Occasional reports of North Texas drug dealers waking up in the middle of the night to find Captain’s mascot head placed in their bed.
Screech – Washington, D.C.
Uses protected status as national symbol and member of endangered species to engage in clandestine activities at various federal agencies. Thought to smuggle sensitive information inside his mascot costume. Frequent visits to Ford’s Theater have engendered suspicions that he is planning an assassination attempt on the racing President Lincoln. See Youppi below.
Sluggerrrr – Kansas City, Mo.
Radical homosexual activist with a long history in the pride movement. Arrested for lionizing another male lion at the Kansas City Zoological Gardens . Known to associate with rough trade, as indicated by his nickname, the King of Beasts. A longtime switch-hitter, he shares an apartment with a popular local drag queen, who performs under the name “Nice Kitty.”
Raymond – St. Petersburg, Fla.
Originally a Satanist known as Devil Raymond, accused of abducting retirees for human sacrifice, which some conspiracy theorists asserted was part of a government program to prevent Social Security from going bankrupt. Now believed to be a contact for pro-Castro Cuban agents in the Tampa Bay area. Often spotted in Ybor City fencing contraband Cuban cigars. The object of derision from local anti-Castro Cubans, who assert that not everybody loves Raymond..
Slider – Cleveland, Ohio
Believed to be identical to Jimmy “Slider” Mondello, a torpedo for the Cleveland Mafia, whose members derive their nicknames from pitches, e.g., Sal“Fastball” Sulpizio, Vincenzo “Curveball” Baravelli, Bruno “Knuckleball” Ventamiglia, Guido “Two-Seamer” Fogliano, Butch “Four -Seamer” Pingitore, and Guido “Gopher Ball” Campisi . Underground rumors persist that a contract is about to be taken out on the controversial Chief Wahoo, and Slider will be the man assigned to whack him.
Southpaw – Chicago, Ill.
Known political agitator whose leftist orientation is implicit in his very name. Well-connected politically on the South Side with a number of Hyde Park “community organizers.” Often serves as a pamphleteer, passing out copies of Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals between innings. Appeared on short list of candidates for Secretary of Labor in the Obama administration.
Stomper – Oakland, Calif.
Elephant mascot long known to moonlight as a hired goon who stomps his victims to death. Honed his skills during summer jobs stomping grapes at wineries in the Napa Valley, which he jokingly refers to as his old stomping grounds. Also known to inflict punishment by wielding a baseball bat with his trunk.. Psychometric testing while he was incarcerated at San Quentin revealed a photographic memory. Reputedly a master of disguise, so adept that no one ever sees the elephant in the room.
The Swinging Friar – San Diego, Calif.
As the name denotes, this mascot makes no attempt to hide his addictions to sex and gambling. Spotted periodically in Tijuana at greyhound races and donkey shows. Had a running feud with the San Diego Chicken when the latter tried to bill himself as the Swinging Fryer. Arrested in 1998 for choking the chicken in public, but civil authorities handed him over to the Franciscans who tried him under canon law. Muteness preceded mascot status, as he had taken a vow of silence as a novitiate.
T.C. Bear – Minneapolis, Minn.
Widely believed to be the former star of Hamm’s Beer commercials who went into a federal witness protection program after he blew the whistle on his fellow bears who were fishing for trout without a license in national parks. FBI relocated him to Denver in 1985, supposedly arranging a job for him as a minor league mascot with the Denver Bears, but the team nickname was changed to Zephyrs before he could draw a paycheck. Discovered while hibernating in an air vent in the Metrodome during the offseason and was offered a new identity as the Twins’ mascot.
Wally the Green Monster – Boston, Mass.
Radical environmental activist who has been known to engage in terrorist activities to further the “green” agenda. Often photographed at demonstrations at the numerous colleges and universities in metro Boston. Leader in movement to prohibit leather, cowhide and horsehide from baseball equipment. When the Red Sox are on the road, occasionally chains himself to trees on Boston Common. Rumored to spend the offseason in a cabin at Walden Pond in nearby Concord.
Youppi – Montreal, Quebec
Longtime operative (code name: Frère Jacques) in the Quebec separatist movement. Used his major league mascot job as a front for subversive political activities. Went into hiding after 2004 season and has yet to resurface, though some sources assert that he illegally entered the U.S. by flying under the radar as Screech the Eagle and going to work for the Washington Nationals. Unique status among mascotsas a bilingual mute.
So there we have the complete rogues’ gallery. Only the Angels and the Yankees are not represented, as they have no mascots. Ironically, Mr. Met, the first mascot to be investigated, is no longer under suspicion.
It is high time Commissioner Selig investigated the mascots, but since he is a lame duck, it is unlikely he will do so. Of course, as owner of the Milwaukee Brewers, he was the longtime employer of the aforementioned Bernie Brewer/Bernhard Brauer.
So perhaps the Commish deserves a dossier of his own!