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A man’s guide for developing self love, consent, and respect to take sex to the divine level.
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Why Get Off When You Can Stay On and Get High?
Everyday we wake up with a renewed sexual spark, and we’re driven by the need to do something. What does this spark want to do? It wants to connect with other consenting age-appropriate human beings in a free, open, loving, and wild way. An aware mutually consenting sexual connection gets us high, heals our bodies, and blasts us into hyperspace. We become more peaceful, careful, loving, and kind. Emotional balance binds couples and communities together, drives procreation, and so much more.
Unfortunately, the dominant culture has exploited this spark and damned its spirit to hell. The resulting sexual dysfunctional manifests subtly and overtly in all domains of society. From objectification and commodification all the way through to gender motivated abuse and murder. In order to rewire this circuitry, men are encouraged to consider a deeper level of love and sexuality.
Here are some practical steps for men:
Self Love First
Without self love, most people are love deficient. They have a hole that they’re trying to fill, rather than an overflowing abundance that they’re eager to share.
For most of my life I lived without self love. I didn’t think it could be cultivated from within, I thought I needed it to be imported from the outside. Through serious pain, heart-break, and study I learned how and why to self-love. Compliments to the mirror, medi-bation (masturbation + meditation), getting fit, eating right, and educating myself, these were the ways I learned to take an active interest in me. When I hear the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, I sing “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” to myself, “here in my arms”…me! You can’t attract what you really want without that glowing self love, where you stand tall, happy for no reason, content, calm, peaceful, and energetic.
Attraction is a personal factor. You can be ‘unattractive’ if your spirit is faded and you don’t love yourself. Conversely, you can also be as attractive as an electro-magnet when you love yourself. Attraction harnessed from self love excites and turns people on. It’s not a matter of how tight the skin is to the bones, it’s a matter of how tight the spirit is to the flesh. The spirit’s food is love, feed it everyday with a life-long romance with yourself, your body, and your mind. Your spirit will stay with you and turn heads for you. You will not attract anyone crouched like a pretzel in the corner. Don’t let your spirit fade and dwell in the shadow of negative self talk or self-conceived ugliness. Whoever you attract will be of like-mind, you’ll attract another pain-bodied self-hating emotional vampire, and you’ll perpetually make life hell for each other.
The simplest explanation of self love is to use the cultural construct of the “dream man” or “dream woman.” At one point I said to myself,
“Wait a minute. If I’m this toxic mess of deprivation and clingy, needy desire, and I want some angelic princess to come along and rescue me and make me happy, and be perfect, and never upset me, or change… well, only change to be exactly the way I want her of course, isn’t something missing from the picture? That’s an ugly picture, beauty and the beast! “
I realized the dream love I wanted was a two way street. I had to love myself just as much. I had to be my dream self, or at least know what that was and be working towards that goal. So, I built the vision of my dream self without waiting for someone to rescue me. I went to work, broke out of my shell of self-pity, and started to build the dream me. I’ll never be done, because as I grow I want to grow more. As long as I’m growing, I’m not dying and the mirror gets more and more forgiving and loving. Not just because of physical work, but because of spiritual, intellectual, and emotional work.
A tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship.
In this heart-broken and self-esteem broken society, the mirror is your worst enemy but it can become your best friend no matter what anyone else says about your appearance. The mirror can be a tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship. You can go through a million partners, but you’ll always have to face yourself, sleep with yourself, argue with yourself, put up with yourself. The mirror can be a tool for building that abundance of love, from the inside out that you can share with the world.
The Love of a Lover
You can have great sex with strangers. That said, most people find anonymous sex isn’t as safe, fulfilling, or sustainable, and it can’t get you as high as with a true lover. Developing love first is always a better way to go because there can be trust, comfort, relaxation, safety and other ingredients listed below.
If resentment isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the sexual environment.
How do you love a lover? It’s actually easier to love oneself because you’re in total control of your decisions (unless you’re dominated by addictive behavior, then you’re basically in a toxic relationship with yourself). In relationships, a tension builds over time around the resentment over little things: the disagreements, power struggles, compromises, annoyances, etc. If resentment isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the sexual environment. Even worse, sex can be manipulated as a weapon to seek justice or revenge for problems in other domains of the relationship. It can be withheld, or faked, or just done without passion or spirit and be lame. Either partner can find ways to poison the sacred union both intentionally and unintentionally.
There are a few key patterns in relationships that have to be carefully guarded against, and there are a few practices that have to be religiously maintained in order for healthy, ecstatic sex to be shared.
First I want to describe the typical love curve. For most couples, high states of ecstasy are easily achieved early on because the love is fresh, exciting, and new. There is heightened curiosity, passion, romance, and both partners are on their best behavior. They haven’t fought yet, their lives aren’t entangled, and they haven’t had to work through issues or compromise on much. This “Cloud 9” high, is great, but it doesn’t last. It’s a true neuro-chemical drug-induced state that sooner or later you “come down” from and reality comes crashing back in.
True mastery of love is knowing how to re-access these chemical states and actually enhance them over time as the relationship grows. The difference after the initial love high wears off is that you have to give more energy and attention to sustain it, and consistently purify the relationship with fun, adventure, novelty, creativity, and most importantly, open hearted communication.
In our culture of instant gratification, cheap thrills, and low work ethic, most people stay perpetually stuck in the “thrill of the chase” stage where you play “the game” of building up a flirtatious and seductive fling. You’re getting high on the excitement of pursuit. There’s uncertainty, and the possibility for failure keeps you on your toes. You play the game and once you win – that is, once you actually hook up, have sex, and start hanging out – the excitement disappears. It becomes easy, mundane, expected. The chase is over, the thrill is gone. So what do you do, you trail off in communications, you stop being responsive, you fade away and begin again with another prey. Men and women do this all the time, usually leaving a broken-hearted victim.
It makes sense because once that 2 week to 2 month easy high wears off, building a lasting love requires disciplined effort. All of the ugliness of each person starts to creep out. It makes perfect sense, but it also keeps people in perpetual immaturity. Why do people get stuck in the addictive “chase” cycle? Because they haven’t applied themselves to build real love. The lack of true love, the shallowness of constant flings means the ultimate lack of fulfilment and unhappiness. This how we are shut off from experiencing the highest states of ecstasy.
Love is like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with T.L.C.
We’re all some where along this phenomenon of the love curve. The goal I think is to understand it and find healthy ways to work through the challenges, so it’s more evenly spaced. For example, in a long term relationship, when the initial spike drops, expect it and be aware of it. Be careful not to think the love is dead. Love is like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with T.L.C. So many couples are sexless for decades, then shell out thousands of dollars to therapists just so they can re-ignite that initial romantic passion. The next time you fall in love, keep a shared diary and take good notes on what felt the best, so you’ll have a bread crumb trail to follow when times get tough.
Every person has certain stimuli that make them feel loved the most. It could be a word, a tone of voice, a touch, or a place to visit. Whatever it may be, we need to know things like this about ourselves and our lovers. We need to upkeep the practice of making one another feel loved. We need to learn how to clear emotional space so that passion can be kept alive.
Going back to the self love component, the more inner prep work you’ve done while alone, the less weeds will sprout in the garden of your love with a partner.
Again, like a garden, if you don’t properly bury the weeds and their seeds in sheet mulch, all the nutrients will be robbed, and your crops will be grown over and buried alive. It’s easy to get lazy and let the weeds grow in relationships, so that you can’t even see what you originally planted. If you’re lucky it’s still there, but it’s going to be a hard job to clear it up and bring it into full production. That’s why simple, steady, low-level maintenance is so important in love. Going back to the self love component, the more inner prep work you’ve done while alone, the less weeds will sprout in the garden of your love with a partner. With the right amount of preparation and maintenance you’ll be spending more time smelling each others flowers and tasting each others fruits than pulling each others weeds.
Set the intention with yourself and your lover to keep a burning desire for each other alive, and make sure to have combustible chemistry always. It’s not easy, don’t blame yourself or your partner if it fades. The dropping off of the curve is natural, accept it and put effort into pushing it up to ever-higher levels! A great formula for sustaining healthy long-term relationships is to practice daily affection, weekly date-nights, and monthly romantic adventures. I’ve added a couple bonuses: on demand 5-10 minute cuddle breaks and on demand spontaneous dance breaks to keep things lively!
Selectivity
Your sex partner should be someone who shares similar life goals with you. The more aligned your ambitions are, the more stable and fruitful the relationship will be. Falling in lust and building a relationship without a foundation of purpose can often be a recipe for disaster. Co-creative synergy should be as important in selecting a mate as sexual chemistry and physical attractiveness.
Setting Intention
Before love making verbalize a shared intention, it could be to honor each other as divine beings, to deepen the love, or to achieve a specific outcome such as visualising a promotion at work. Sex can be sacred if it involves intention and focus. The concentration of the mind during sexual intercourse can be focused on awareness and growth. Many people exclaim “Oh My God” unconsciously throughout the sex act. In my experience, sex is an amplifier of your intentions. If you want your intentions to become reality, state them clearly and believe fully that whatever request you make will be best received when packaged in a container of pure loving grace.
Time, it’s on Your Side
This is very subjective and variable. But to be safe, my experience and study tells me that for intercourse itself, 30 minutes or more is the optimal range for the magic to really happen. There are so many emotions and sensations. Some are raging, some are very subtle, but they’re all epic in their development. The more time they have to flow, the more merging of consciousness can occur so you become one unified vessel of blissful consciousness able to soar through higher dimensions.
Sacred Set and Setting
Lighting candles, burning incense, playing music, wearing sensual clothing, etc. These actions can anchor a sacred mindset for sexual expression and respect. The build up to union creates an atmosphere where consciousness is focused, and attention is undivided. The body has the cues it needs for juices to flow and for arousal to occur gradually from a deeper level of being. You may choose to call in a clear intention and command yourself to banish all thoughts that don’t serve the highest good, whether they are negative emotions, energies, or entities. Simply verbalize that you intend to create a field of pure love where nothing but the truth of bliss is welcome.
Bathing
Bathing is one of the most sensual activities you can share together. It’s always recommended from a sexual health and hygiene perspective. Beyond that, it effectively sets up the “take turns” approach to giving and receiving pleasure.
Physical Energy
Energy comes from proper eating habits, hydration, regular exercise, rest, and the right attitude. Poor diet, dehydration, lack of movement, sleep deprivation and a negative attitude will rob you of physical energy. Huge meals before love making can obviously create inactivity. Light meals at least a couple of hours before love making are recommended. Also, trays of fresh fruit, berries, nuts, chocolate, and other healthy sensual foods to snack on throughout a love making session are quite nice and help sustain energy levels.
Dance
Dancing is the art of making love before or without having sex. If you haven’t danced with someone, how can you trust them with your heart and your sexual health? Dancing is an essential part of maximizing the potential of foreplay. It’s what starts all of the sub-routines in the sexual system. It gets the blood flowing, detoxifies the lymph system, and gets you prepared for long lasting, full bodied, transcendent orgasms. It also creates an environment in which only blissful emotion can survive. Dance makes the past dissolve, and allows smiles to bubble to the surface uncontrollably.
You can always roll on top of each other at midnight after you click off the T.V., knowing you have to get up at 6:00 a.m., but the love making will likely leave much to be desired. A better approach would be to shut off the TV a couple hours earlier and pretend you and your lover are the TV stars. Act out and role play your own script, be your own entertainment, and make it a dancing musical while you’re at it!
Relaxation with Massage
When people rush to sex, they’re not taking the time to shed the tension of the day. Massage is an exquisite means to bring the body to a state of complete and total relaxation. Give your lover a five minute coconut oil massage before intercourse and they will experience exponentially more pleasure and satisfaction.
Full Attention and Presence
Meditation is the key to focusing your full attention into the body and the present moment. It can be as simple as closing your eyes and focusing your attention on deep breaths. There are infinite ancient and modern techniques from all over the world. It’s best to try a variety and decide what works best for you and your partner. Whether you’re sitting still, stretching, or dancing, the goal should be to quiet the mind with awareness of breath.
Breathing and Consciousness
Breathing techniques are extremely important. Controlled breathing assists the high voltage sexual current to draw up from the genitals and circulate throughout the body, and externally when with a partner. When a shared sexual spark is built in a couple, it has to go somewhere. This could explain why premature ejaculation is a lifelong curse for many men who aren’t consciously aware of the circulation of breathing, meditation, and visualization. If awareness is not consciously cycled within the individual or couple, it will get jammed in the genital area and eventually explode in the form of a fleeting orgasm. However, when circulated, the spark can generate into waves of multiple orgasm for both partners. The mutually generated pleasure helps push the couple’s unified consciousness into ever higher and deeper altered states of ecstasy.
Eye Gazing
Without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared.
Eye gazing, or sustained eye contact is one of the most intense forms of intimacy. It comes easily in the early stages of love. When practiced regularly during sex, eye contact can play an important role in sustaining true love. Having sex in the dark, or with eyes closed or astray, allows the mind to wander. Consciousness can leave the moment, whether it’s to fantasize about someone else, or to go over the shopping list. Without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared. It doesn’t have to be constant, but it should be regular, and eye contact should start the sexual session.
It’s not desirable to be fettered with all kinds of formal procedures, or to keep count of this or that. The point is to train in these things so they become effortless and automatic. It’s just like martial arts. You train to learn the skill and eventually, like magic, the skill performs for you without arduous effort. Your consciousness is free to just be fully present in the experience as your body and mind dance using the tools and techniques you taught it.
Verbalization and Vocalization
The status quo of hypermasculinity (a fancy way of saying “macho man”) silently dictates that for a man to express his vulnerability to pleasure is a form of weakness. In truth, moaning sweetly in harmony with your lover is an extremely powerful strength. When you tell her how good she makes you feel, and when you exhale with pleasurable vowel sounds, you will virtually guarantee her authentic orgasmic arousal. Stoic grunts don’t count. Join the opera, and you’ll be astonished by the results. Don’t worry, she’ll never worry that you “faked it”. Put effort into it, it’s like laughter, if it starts out nervous and restrained, give it time and it will be an uproar.
Basic Anatomy and Stimulation
Developing an understanding of female anatomy is so important. The dominant culture has trained men to believe that 100% of a woman’s pleasure is a direct result of his size.
The key is to balance the stimulation, so excitement builds steadily for both partners.
Not only is this not true, but, sadly, porn cinematography favors the visually dramatic deep thrusting pattern which is typically the least pleasurable for the woman, and the most overstimulating for the man. The key is to balance the stimulation, so excitement builds steadily for both partners. Keep the thrusting pattern at a ratio that favors shallow over deep. This will protect you from overstimulation and keep her in a positive feedback loop of building anticipation and reward.
Another vital strategy to prevent premature ejaculation is to do what boxers do when they get exhausted. You know how they burrrow themselves into each other as though to hide from their opponents punches by limiting their range and velocity? Well you can achieve the same effect by thrusting all the way in and holding on tight with a bear hug so that the range of thrusting motion is limited and your stimulation is decreased. You’ll discover that being in deep for longer periods of time actually benefits your partner because she’ll be happy to grind on your pubic bone while you whimper and pant and regain your strength for continued action.
Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.
Study, experiment, and keep in mind the principles of spontaneity and diversity. Consider how you put your clothes on. Your body registers the sensation, but once it’s registered the tactile sense the body doesn’t keep sending you the same signals. There’s a trailing off of sensation once your body gets used to something. The changing of position, rate, depth, patterns, etc. often keeps the body guessing and the signals are more intense.
There is also the G-Spot, which is just behind the pubic bone in the inner vaginal wall. Insert one or two fingers and do the “come hither” motion to put pressure on the dense sponge-like tissue. Once you and your partner have located it with fingers and she can identify the sensation, experiment with various positions of intercourse and become more conscious of how to stimulate it with the penis.
It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside.
The male anatomy is pretty self-explanatory, however most cis-men are unaware of the male G-Spot, which is the prostate. It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside by applying pressure between the testicles and the anus, or for the slightly more adventurous, from within via insertion of body parts, or safe objects of your choice, into the anus.
Everyone is wired differently. That is what’s fun about getting to know someone sexually. A true joy exists when someone shares with you what makes them unique and trains you to play them like a musical instrument.
Climactic Equality
So how does the average U.S. male understand his sexual activity, and its application with a sex partner? Generally, like most things in patriarchal culture, it’s understood within a construct of goal oriented sports. Hence the metaphors, “Did you score?, “No, I only got to third base.” Guys are culturally taught that the objective is to score. First by getting a woman in bed, second by performing athletically so that she reaches climax during or before his climax. No surprise that the locker-room wisdom for guys to keep from ejaculating prematurely is to “think of a sport where you haven’t shot the ball yet.”
The primary goal of simply having sex is far more rewarded and tallied in the locker room than the secondary goal which is to perform in a way that satisfies your partner. So although men know they’re supposed to be able to “go all night long,” many don’t bother to learn how. The average American married couple’s sex lasts for 3-5 minutes.This tragedy is one of the main reasons why countless U.S. women have never had an orgasm during intercourse, and if shamed away from masturbation, have never had an orgasm at all.
So what’s really going on here? There’s an orgasmic economy that’s very unequal. The untrained man is quickly overwhelmed by stimulation while his female partner is consistently underwhelmed. The man gets off and passes out leaving the woman teased and dissatisfied. This cycle repeats again and again until they cheat, divorce, or die.
Balancing sexual energy requires increasing duration and can be achieved with a variety of trained/practiced techniques and fundamental understandings.For sexual union to bring both male and female partners into altered states of ecstasy, this balance has to be achieved.
Because of the physiological differences between women and men, it’s easy for a man to simply get aroused physically, whereas a woman’s arousal originates from a deeper place physically and spiritually. It’s like building a camp fire, it has to be done according to certain principles. If you light a match and drop a log on it, it won’t burn. You have to take the time to make the perfect little nest of tinder, build a perfect cone of kindling, and in stages build up to a roaring fire.
The problem with many men is that we’re not aware of this because it’s not required for us to climax. A minimum 30 minutes of intercourse is a lot to ask as many men can’t survive the intensity of stimulation more than a few minutes. Or if they can last for 30 minutes or longer, but their heart isn’t present, they’re not going to bring their partner to climax. Hence, the faked female orgasm. Without becoming distracted or anxious by having a goal to perform perfectly, couples can work over time towards the ability to increase duration and heartfelt presence.
The real goal should be to focus full attention on your partner and the pleasure itself. By having full presence the doors to higher dimensions open. However, many men regularly project their attention elsewhere and never let their full spark, spirit, and consciousness fill up in the moment. That’s truly what builds female arousal, the physical aspect is secondary to this primary need.
Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark?
With the understanding that in order to “satisfy” a woman, a man must last longer, what can he do? One way to visualize male physiology is to imagine a circuit breaker. When the circuit is overloaded it breaks and the lights go out. Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark? Welcome to the bedrooms of millions of couples across the United States.
A man has to learn to distribute the high-voltage current throughout his whole body, this is the only way he can survive the intensity. First, he must know that it’s possible to withhold ejaculation, yet have multiple and continuous full body orgasms. Many men haven’t ever been introduced to this idea. In many cases, masturbation in adolescence was done quickly, secretly, and in a state of shallow rapid breathing under the stress and fear of being caught. That doesn’t set up a good neuro-physiological template for long, relaxed, sacred love making later in life.
Once the idea is learned, the art and science has to be studied, practiced, and mastered. There are many books, websites, videos, classes, etc. on ejaculation control, or as some people like to say ejaculation “choice”. Just Google multiple male orgasms, Taoist Sexual Kung Fu, and Tantric Cobra breath.
Another training technique that both men and women should do on a regular basis is Kegel exercises. On this exercise you repeatedly contract the P.C. (pubococcygeus) muscles on the pelvic floor in various intervals. They’re the same muscles used to stop the flow of urination. If you haven’t identified them, next time you urinate do what you normally would to stop the flow and you’ve found them. When men regularly contract these muscles, they condition the ability to withhold ejaculation by contracting them as the urge to ejaculate arises. For women, the main application of conditioned P.C. muscles is to create more tightness and muscle control during intercourse.
Sex, it isn’t a competition. You are not going to lose any points.
Going back to the sports analogy, if the man is distracted and caught up just trying to make the woman climax, he’s not fully present and not fully being in the experience. If a woman feels anxiety because she wants to force herself to climax, so she can make the man feel like he’s not a failure and protect his fragile ego, she’s not fully present and enjoying the experience. Yes, the climax of both partners is desirable. Though, as long as there’s mutual effort put in by both partners to develop the skills for general equality of climax over time, it won’t be the end of the world if the male either loses an erection, or prematurely ejaculates during one session. Just be sure to do your homework to make disappointment the exception not the rule.
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Much of what is toxic, unsustainable, and harmful in modern civilization can be thought of as the physical manifestation of misdirected sexual energy. When we train our minds and bodies to embrace and cultivate this energy we can build more ethical economic systems, more sustainable infrastructure, and have more compassionate public policy and diplomacy. Instead of trashing the finite planet to build empires of ego, we can build palaces of transcendent pleasure in infinite spiritual realms, right from the comfort of our own bedrooms. Frustrated, angry sublimation can be transmuted to blissful flowing superlimation.
The goal should be to eventually have no goal and feel freely. Have fun, be safe, be sacred. You are already a God, you just need to train and condition your sexual Godhood so that you can rise to the potential of your Goddess.
For more in depth information on any of the topics covered here please check out “Connect with Your Partner” and “Om My Goddess.”
Lead Photo: by Zawezome/Flickr
Other photos in order of appearance: unchose/Flickr, kainr/Flickr, WarmSleepy/Flickr, rolands.lakis/Flickr
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