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Unrealistic Expectations
Steven Lake Explores the Influences That Challenge Men to Remain Faithful
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There are many challenges, both from within and from without, that threaten the health of a long-term monogamous relationship. Here are the top seven that I hear on a regular basis from friends and from clients:
1) Boredom
2) Growing apart
3) Biology
4) Unrealistic expectations
5) Media messages and pornography
6) Balancing work and the relationship
7) Finances
Let’s examine each of these in turn.
1) Boredom
How long does it take before you and your partner have told each other your life histories, your hopes and dreams, and the daily issues of work? One month, six, one year, three, maybe a bit more, but before long you have pretty much run through all the topics. Sure there are always some major items to discuss like whether or not to have kids and when, should we buy a new car or not, and where are we going to vacation this year and can we afford it? But these blips on the radar screen of life are exciting for just a few moments and then you are dragged back into the day-to-day grind of stifling sameness. An unchanging horizon of dull flatness.
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And after a number of years you look over at your partner and wonder, who is that person? He or she may even look radically different – they’ve gained weight or lost it, stopped wearing the clothes they used to wear (in the bedroom and out of the bedroom), they have a different job, or no job. There you are, sitting on your recliner contemplating what happened. You yawn, scratch your butt, and think, “What happened, I am so bored . . . with her, with life. I need a change.”
And this is when DRAMA enters your life. It can be an affair, a massive change in career, or a favorite of Boomers, a Harley. Something, anything that will put excitement back into life. The mind loves novelty. When I first got together with my partner, she said to me, “Don’t ever bore me.” Whoa! That was a challenge. Not something I ever heard from a young woman. My partner was forty-five at the time and, I guess, knew the importance of novelty, excitement and the dangers of boredom.
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I love excitement too.
And like the frog, when you finally notice that you and your partner share nothing in common, you’re done.
I ski, play tennis, hike in the mountains, attend cultural events and have an active social life. I also work a lot on my businesses and this has led to a certain predictability in my behaviour, like working long hours on the computer, worrying, and not paying as much attention to my partner as she would like. Fortunately, she is vocal about her needs and I get to self-correct which not only keeps her happy, but brings balance back into my life.
If life becomes boring, look first to yourself. Are you, or have you become boring? You have control over yourself not others. If you are bored with your partner, you need to talk and make some changes to bring life back into the relationship. Because, if you don’t, this leads to . . .
2) Growing apart
This is usually a longer process. It is often a consequence of being bored in the relationship and disengaging from your partner. The sad thing is, like the frog in the boiling water story, the heat keeps increasing but at such a low and slow rate that the frog never notices until it is too late. And like the frog, when you finally notice that you and your partner share nothing in common, you’re done.
Sometimes this process is not an issue of neglect, but of two people who are highly engaged in life, just in opposite directions. One partner may be highly involved in social causes, the environment, and the community. The other person may be a hard charging business person travelling the globe putting together business deals and focusing on climbing the corporate ladder (notice which gender you attach to which person/work). After a number of years, this couple looks at each other and realize that they have little in common. They may still like one another, but there is not enough commonality to keep the relationship together.
3) Biology
Are we Bonobos wanting sex with anyone of our species or are we inclined to monogamy, or something in-between? I have been a serial monogamist with bouts of wildness between major relationships. All the guys I know, as much as they love their partners, would be fine with having lovers on the side if there were no consequences and the marriage/relationship would not suffer. Unfortunately, that is not life for most heterosexual men live with the pressure of testosterone making us keenly aware of other women. That is not to say that some men only desire their partners – I have heard such stories . . . in academic journals and romance novels.
Gottman also stated that respect for the other person is critical in being able to work through conflict and have a successful relationship.
This issue is a topic of conversation whenever a group of my buddies get together. How to manage our desires is no easy feat. In my practice of late, I have many men who are having affairs. This is extremely stressful and most of them are somewhere in the divorce process now that the affair has been found out. These are not uncouth louts either. They are educated, successful (financially) family men who say they care deeply for their partners but . . . fill in the blank. They drifted apart, sex became sporadic or boring, the kids left, and when they looked at each other there was an emptiness. For the younger men, they work in a culture of entitlement where they have a trophy wife and sex on the side is considered no big deal.
4) Unrealistic expectations
People live longer than ever before and thus relationships, even with the high divorce rate, last longer. The psychological demand to maintain a healthy and happy relationship in our stressed-out world is large. When I read accounts of happy long-term relationships, one of the attributes identified for success is acceptance of the other person. Acceptance of who they are as a person, warts and all. Acceptance of their strengths and weaknesses.
Another factor is the ability to work through conflict. Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marriage, talks about the importance of realizing that some differences can be resolved, and others cannot. Sort of an agreement to disagree. This implies the ability to accept, not having to win, not getting your way all the time, and knowing that another person can have a different point of view than you and that does not mean your point is invalid or that the other person is wrong. Gottman also stated that respect for the other person is critical in being able to work through conflict and have a successful relationship.
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I know I entered adulthood thinking that once I was in a relationship it would magically get better with time. The part I was not aware of was that in order for this to happen, I would have to be proactive in contributing to this concept – it would not happen on its own. Who knew – not me!
Unrealistic and opposing expectations were fed to me by my family, church, and media. Trying to discover what forces were driving my beliefs and behaviours took many years. Furthermore, to actively engage in challenging those beliefs and develop a new way of seeing and engaging the world took even more awareness and effort.
5) Media messages and pornography
It is one thing to know I have strong sexual urges, on a daily basis, and it is another to be bombarded with sexual images literally thousands of times by TV, magazines, and billboards. It is endemic, even Facebook has scantily clad women in enticing poses beckoning us to “click here” for more appetite whetting visuals. It is amazing that men can think at all. But we do, and I think that says something in our favor.
However, many men get caught in pornography and this becomes a wedge that creates not only a distance between men and women, but an unreality of the virtual and real, with the virtual in its perfection, trumping the real. This has become such a problem that there are now groups of men who are pledging themselves to sobriety from porn, because they want to re-connect with real live women.
6) Balancing work and the relationship
Fifty years ago, a person could work, be married with a non-working spouse, have kids and a mortgage and pay for it all. Not anymore. For the average family, it takes two people working full time to manage all the expenses.
Not only are both adults working, they are often working longer hours. On top of this there is the rush to take the children to all their activities both during the week and throughout the weekend. It is a never ending dash from one engagement to the next. Somewhere in there, we are supposed to maintain relationships with our extended family, relatives and friends. A time management guru once said, there is no such thing as work/life balance – there are only choices as to what we are going to be busy with.
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The first casualty in this time strapped world is often our primary relationship. We assume because we have made a commitment to be together, that somehow that commitment will carry us through the tough times. It may indeed carry us through the tough times, but it will be slowly eroded through lack of attention.
Like the newly planted tree, without constant watering and attention, the tree will get sickly and bear no fruit. Likewise, your relationship will die on the vine without nurturing. And who has time for that? Yet, we must somehow carve out time for the relationship and this is accomplished by making the relationship a priority. By giving it time. The most precious gift we have. If you don’t, life will get very expensive. Speaking of expenses . . .
7) Finances
Finances are listed as one of the top issues for couples going through marital difficulties. I think the financial troubles are a consequence of deeper issues. Whether it be a lack of communication between couples, or a trade-off, where one spouse is getting back at the other for not getting what they really need, which is usually time and attention.
It is easy for finances to become the flash point for difficulty in a relationship. People are more willing to talk about sexual issues than about their finances. Imagine a young couple getting together and making the decision to rent or buy an apartment. How do they feel about money? Are they savers, spendthrifts, and do they manage money or are they managed by money? I know very few couples that have identical relationships with their money.
Over time, a détente is reached on how money is managed with flare-ups occurring every now and then. I have talked to men and women who really hate the way their spouses deal with money. This, of course, adds stress to the relationship. And, as money comes into and leaves the house on a regular basis, it is a chronic issue.
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These are the top 7 challenges I have identified that get in the way of men having a successful monogamous relationship. Each one on its own can kill a marriage. Together, they are like the seven deadly sins that conspire to pull us down into a well of despair, anger and hopelessness. But don’t let these words make you lose hope. I am an optimist and there are many happy relationships out there.
Next week I will look at some of the factors that contribute to staying together and having a rich and satisfying relationship. Until then, add your comments below and any challenges that you would like to add to the list.
Photo: Flickr/Christina Saint Marche
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