BEATING A DEAD HORSE
UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR
I'm going to put last weekend aside now, like we all should, and try to focus on the fact that we're playing old SWC rivals on Saturday. That's right, Aggies. It's time to Pony Up and get get get down - SMU is coming to our town. The selfish "I want to walk 20 minutes to an Aggie game" fan in me is wishing this game were being played in Dallas this weekend so I could saunter over to my second alma mater to watch my primary alma mater wreck shop. Sadly, I will have to settle for a TV broadcast, a Coke and a smile while I watch the Aggie defense enjoy a much needed slump buster.
BUT HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT INTERCEPTION GET RETURNED FOR A TOUCHDOWN? ARE YOU SERIOUS? WE WERE THIS CLOSE AND I JUST...
*takes several deep breaths*
*goes for a walk*
No, we're playing SMU this weekend. And I have to care about SMU. If we're not careful, June will cometh to College Station and Run and Shoot all over Kyle Field. I mean, they played Kliff's Red Raiders close for three quarters. That's Big 12 football, kids. We would know nothing of it.
YOU'RE GONNA KICK THE BALL OUT OF BOUNDS? NO! YOU DO NOT DO THAT, YOU KICK IT OUT OF THE ENDZONE OR TO THE 1 YARD LINE AND FORCE ALABAMA TO...
*takes deep breath*
*dunks head in bucket of ice water*
*makes cup of chamomile tea*
*plays "STAGES OF GRIEF" Spotify list*
*puts on Aggie snuggie*
*remembers phantom PI call on Evans*
*back to the ice bucket*
*sips tea*
*throws teacup against wall*
*sheds single tear*
*sobs/hums Aggie War Hymn*
*looks at remains of shattered teacup*
*remembers Austin dumpster fire*
*laughs*
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Kevin Sumlin walks into his office and shuts his new door.
"Coach Sumlin?" says his receptionist. "There's a 'Craig James' here to see you. He wants to interview Johnny for some web site."
"Send him in." Sumlin responds calmly. He immediately queues up "Pony Exce$$" on Netflix. Sumlin is hilarious.
"Kevin! Hey man! Just wanted to see...oh f*** you," James says, noticing the 60' image of himself on Sumlin's wall.
In walks Johnny. He smiles at Craig James and makes a pinching motion with his fingers, aimed toward the former Mustang's progeny-makers. Johnny has dropped the coach-killer to his knees using the force. With James denying improper benefits on a screen behind him, Johnny pulls out a Sharpie and autographs Craig's face. Sumlin clutches his totem.
Ags 56 Ponies 14
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Ben Malena
RB #1: Ben was relatively quiet against Alabama, but SMU politely allowed Montana State to have a 100+ yard rusher. Would some #cashinout be appropriate? Only if Craig James is watching.
DeVante Harris
Unsuspended CB #1: Harris struggled a bit in his season debut against Alabama, but --what's that? SMU's top 2 receivers both average over 100 receiving yards per game? I'll settle for nothing less than a pick-six.
Mike Matthews
C #56: SMU's defense was all up in Texas Tech's backfield, making 11 stops behind the line and forcing 3 fumbles. It'll be up to little bro to make the calls at the line to give Johnny enough time to lob a few 90-yarders and build up a decent lead.
Garrett Gilbert
QB #11: This will be our last time to face the journeyman QB. It's been a fun ride, double-G, and this is probably your best chance to ever not be sacked by an Aggie.
Prescott Line
RB #29: I know his brother Zach was a legendary SMU running back but it's difficult to imagine a more SMU name than "Prescott." Unless...
Jack Neuheisel
WR #48: Yes, that Neuheisel. Where else would the coach who overlooked massive scandal at Washington send his son? The only school to ever get the death penalty, that's where.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY J.P. 03
Revenge. Sweet Revenge.
Forgotten amongst the pile of mind-blowing stats and all the record books that had to be rewritten is the fact that A&M marched down the field and scored a TD on the opening drive of each and every game last year. Except one. Care to guess which one (hint: it rhymes with “Less Fem Blue”) ? Can’t you just picture Johnny staying awake each night, tossing and turning next to some anonymous coed whilst burning with rage about failing to score on that first possession against SMU? Me neither, but come on, it’s SMU the week after one of the most emotionally draining games in school history. YOU try scouring for storylines.
New Army Doing Something Right?
Admit it, youngins: You’ve done plenty to draw the ire of Former Students over the years. Tra-la-la. Anything pertaining to neon. Mardi Gras-out (the color scheme, NOT the decision to raise money for Katrina relief. Please delete that angry email you already started writing). But on Saturday, you finally did something right. The 12th Man singing along to “Power” as the team took the field and a national TV audience looked on was pretty freaking cool. So keep up the good work this weekend, and while you’re at it…GET OFF MY LAWN!
42 Points. Minimum.
“That’s certainly a confident prediction,” you might be thinking to yourself. “Where did you come up with a number like that?” Easy. Did you see what a certain other team from Lubbock scored on the Mustangs in Week 1? I bet that KDS did. When Kliff Kingsbury spurned his mentor to go try to one-up him as head coach at Texas Tech, don’t think that Sumlin didn’t immediately start preparing for a chance to teach his former protégé that he will NOT be one-upped. Do you know what happens when protégés get cocky and try to one-up their mentors, Kliff? They end up getting their pants pulled down during a bareknuckle brawl with a unitard-wearing Brian Dennehy. Consider the 42+ points our offense will put up on Saturday a subtle reminder of this fact. Tread lightly, Kliffy.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY J.P. 03
Auburn at #6 LSU
Hmm…let’s see. An SEC West team with a terrible rushing defense that runs a spread offense featuring a mobile quarterback is going on the road to Death Valley on Saturday? Sign Kevin Sumlin up for a double dose of that game film, please! Auburn has no chance in this one, in case you were wondering, but what KDS learns by looking at the tape may have a profound impact on the Aggies’ chances in Baton Rouge come November 23. Go Tigers (the orange and blue kind)!
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY STEWADE
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
WEAR YOUR HEISMAN ON YOUR SLEEVE
BY CUPPYCUP
Let the 2013 Heisman Trophy campaign for Johnny Manziel Mike Evans Johnny Manziel begin! This smart polo from Aggieland Outfitters will let everyone know you don't work for The Oklahoman. Haters are already out in full force, strongly indicating that Manziel is the current favorite. For example, "Heisman Pundit" Chris Huston's straw poll of voters has Manziel in the #1 position. Despite this actual information, Huston omitted JFF from his Heisman Watch article, putting him behind household names like Chuckie Keeton, Bryce Petty Jr., and Kevin Hogan.
BOLD-FONT PREDICTION: Johnny repeats as Heisman winner and, in lieu of an acceptance speech, battle raps with Paul Finebaum.
Text GOODBULL to 99000 on 9/18 for a chance to win an Adidas Heisman polo from AO.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY THACKTOR
BEST CASE
Manziel puts up 300 yards of total offense in 2 quarters and we get the Joeckel/Hill show for the rest of the game. The defense pitches a shutout. Craig James does not cross paths with any ladies of the evening. There is peace on Earth.
WORST CASE
There is no defense, only Zuul. Craig the Ripper rediscovers Harry Hines.
#GBHTAILGATE
BY STEWADE
@BareFootHixson
I WASN"T QUOTED IN THE #GBHTailgate LAST WEEK AND WE LOST
@stringsays
karma dictates that manziel will save 5 hookers this weekend #GBHTailgate
@JimmyGards
"FOUR. MORE. YEARS!" the Aggie faithful shouted to a dazed Garrett Gilbert who was now wearing his helmet backwards. #GBHTailgate
@FletcherMassie
Coach Sumlin mixes up his months and is disappointed to see June Jones instead of January. #GBHTailgate
@HollyAnderson
no matter your allegiance can we please express gratitude to A&M for making an Alabama football game fun to watch
@JasonKirkSBN
Manny Diaz has given up no yards all week
@edsbs
[opens grain alcohol] [pours in mouth] [pours in eyes] [pours in pants] [pours on computer] [turns on Mississippi State/Auburn]
@ChipBrownOB
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.
More: The Tailgate Complete Archive Finebaum Twerking Saban Johnny Madness