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by Christine Amour-Levar
Waiting to meet a friend, I sat on the terrace of a New York Upper East Side café. As I peered over the rim of my cup, I enjoyed watching people as they strolled up and down the chic avenue, rushing to their various appointments, during this busy New York Fashion Week. It was a typically beautiful and crisp autumn day, cool enough to break out the boots, but warm enough to wear a light blazer, instead of a heavy coat. This particular morning however, I remember being struck by the fact there were so many women in their fifties and sixties, with very obviously “pulled,” cosmetically altered faces, wearing flashy outfits from the latest designers. It conjured for me the comical expression “mutton dressed as lamb,” which I had heard used by a friend of mine, just a few weeks before.
For those of you not familiar with this idiom, it refers to older women who try to appear younger by dressing in fashion really suited for women twenty, thirty, or even forty years younger. When pushed to the extreme, it makes such women look desperate to appear youthful, and robs them of the dignity and sophistication that normally come with the privilege of advanced age. Seeing so many drastically altered and Botoxed faces made me feel empathy for my own gender. I once heard someone say: “Men get character lines, while women get wrinkles.” It’s no surprise so many women feel this intense pressure to remain young, as the years go by. I secretly vowed, there and then, that I would never become a parody of myself, trying desperately to be a spring chicken when I, too, would one day surely become a wizened old crow.
This got me reflecting upon beauty, and what happens to us women, as we get older. The pressure to stay young is excruciatingly high in our culture obsessed with beauty, success, and perfection. It is propelled by the illusion that you can look twenty at forty, thirty at fifty, fifty at eighty, though it does happen by genetic lottery—or often through cosmetic surgery.
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I do not condemn the use of plastic surgery. It’s a very personal choice and I do believe it’s only natural to want to slow down the aging process, to want to hang on to one’s youthful looks, or to try to “conserve” or preserve one’s face and body for as long as possible. I am, however, against extreme cases of plastic surgery, where everyone seems to end up looking the same, with cat-like eyes, over-inflated lips and cheeks, and skin so taut that you start to wonder what happens to the other parts of the body when the person lets out a big yawn. To me, nothing is more beautiful than a woman who manages to age gracefully—and elegantly despite the lines appearing and marking the passage of time on her face. I love a mature woman who’s still got “it,” that sparkle in her eye, that love of life, that glow of confidence, that desire to still be fashionable, while remaining practical and young at heart. She’s not lost herself to age. She cares about looking attractive and stylish, while also making it a priority to find other outlets and more fulfilment in her life. She develops her mind and tries to become a wiser, better person as the years go by and finds no need to obsess over maintaining her looks.
On the flip side, I also believe that nothing is less beautiful than a woman who simply cannot accept the signs of aging and who becomes increasingly insecure and depressed as she gets older… well, maybe except for a woman who has just completely given up, leaving her hair, skin, weight, charm to flail away with time. But what is the right median? “The imitation of youth,” said Diana Vreeland, “is the most vulgar thing on earth.”
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As you get older, you can look with appreciation—and without envy (one would hope)! —at the younger generation’s youth and beauty. And sometimes those two attributes, from where you are standing, can seem almost synonymous. When I observe a very young woman, like my own teenaged daughter, I can admire the transparency of her perfect complexion, and see the freshness and beauty in her face. Even if everyone knows that youth inevitably fades, many women worry that, as they grow older, their beauty, too, will disappear. But this is where we are completely misled, by the media, by the advertisers, by the glossy magazines that we read, by the countless products and companies that try to package and sell to us the secrets of everlasting youth. This brainwashing simply has got to stop. We must recalibrate our thinking and believe with conviction that a woman’s beauty can actually grow and blossom with every year that passes, as she gets to know herself better, even in her sixties, eighties, and nineties. My own grandmother at 100 is still a beauty to me. But this reality will only change in society, once we alter our own mind-set and shift our perception of what beauty means. The truth is that we absolutely need to stop equating beauty with youth.
Yes, it’s true that your skin won’t be as taut, and some sagging in certain areas of your body will inevitably occur, but nothing is more charming and beautiful than the wisdom and experience that you can read on the face of someone who’s led a rich, colourful life, unfettered by needless worry, unhampered by the obsessive desire to control what cannot be controlled. A woman who is bien dans sa peau, happy in her own skin, as the French say, emits a certain kind of radiance no matter how old she is. You can see that in people who possess true inner beauty. Their eyes are a little brighter, their skin a little more dewy. They operate at a different frequency of wellbeing and wholeheartedness.
This being said women today have a real dilemma. Even if most people know that the secret to aging gracefully is inner beauty, the surgeons report a steady rise in the percentage of cosmetic procedures performed around the world, with women aged fifty-one to sixty-four accounting for most of them. To make matters worse, social media is leading consumers to have a more self-critical eye. According to a new survey by the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (AAFPRS), “there has been a thirty-one per cent increase in requests for surgery as a result of social media photo sharing.” Facebook, in particular, where people can zoom in close up to the picture of a person via their iPhones or SIIs has caused many women to be more self-conscious about their looks. What is happening to us? Are we simply becoming increasingly insecure about aging?
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If women are saying they believe in the notion of inner beauty, why are they opting in huge numbers for short-term exterior fixes? Clearly they’re responding to something outside their comfort zone. And while you can’t change the physical process of aging, you can do all you can to be as fit and as healthy as possible, and this in itself will change your experience of aging and increase the positivity of your attitude towards your evolving body. It’s also good to reflect and identify what you are truly feeling when it comes to aging. Why you are feeling this way? What can you do about it? It’s important, for instance, to begin to understand why the perception of the diminution of your beauty makes you feel limited in various ways. One of the difficulties some women experience is slowly morphing from the youthful minx to the wise old bird—the latter, unfortunately, is not as celebrated and admired in our culture, as the male version seems to be.
One plastic surgeon I interviewed for this article told me “when women feel that they are losing their looks, they are often stunned to find themselves re-experiencing the same insecurities as they did in adolescence. Yes, for many otherwise successful and evolved women, fifty is the new fifteen, with insecurities about their looks on the increase. This is probably why plastic surgery is so popular—it’s such a quick fix, to an annoying and irritating problem.” Nevertheless, I do believe in my heart that no amount of money, plastic surgery, jewellery, designer outfits, or make-up can make a woman beautiful as she ages, if she is not a good person on the inside. In fact, it is a person’s character—who she is when no one is watching—that ultimately becomes etched on her face as the years go by. And plastic surgery, in particular, cannot fix the internal problems or the inadequacies she may feel about herself in the long run. In fact, this inner turmoil, this interior struggle to accept the inevitable changes can make things even worse. In the end, a woman’s true spirit will always surface for the world to see, especially as she reaches her forties, fifties, and sixties. If she is ugly and selfish inside, then she will be ugly to the bone, so to speak, and this will be reflected in her eyes and in her very mannerisms and expressions.
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Perhaps, as we grow older, we simply become more like our true selves. Thus our faces tend to be the mirrors of our souls, and this quite literally becomes more obvious—and hard to hide—as we grow older. Conversely, if a woman is a beautiful person inside, if she is kind, and tender hearted, if she feels compassion for other people, if she is generous and thoughtful, her loveliness will only grow and increase with the passing of years. To me, this powerful fact is cause for great celebration. In our search for eternal beauty, some of us may be privileged to find that we have had the key within us all along. No wonder so many religions preach, “the kingdom of God is within.” In truth, if you are beautiful at sixty, it is your soul’s doing… not just because you have good genes. We all earn the way we end up looking as we age. Ultimately, time, it seems, gives us all a chance to be really beautiful.
According to renowned Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler Ross, “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” It’s so simple. The fountain of beauty is inside you. It is present in the creativity you bring to your life, and the way you touch the lives of people you love. Forget trying to stay young forever. It is an impossible dream. Let it go gracefully, while trying to be as healthy and fit as possible as you get older. All you have to do is believe, with absolute certainty, that the secret to everlasting beauty is in your heart and–I promise you—you will always be beautiful.
A Work in Progress
Christine Amour Levar, a self-described ‘Work-in-Progress’ mother, wife, writer, editor, and marketing consultant based in Singapore, where she lives with her husband and four children, is the author of The Smart Girl’s Handbook to Being Mummylicious: A Motivational and Practical Guide to Getting Your Body (and Your Groove) Back Post Pregnancy. Here she shares with us her beauty regimen, a two-pronged process she says she approaches “with the precision and focus of a seasoned army general.” With these practical tips, and more from her book, you are sure to grow old gracefully and more beautifully.
YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE – THE PHYSICAL
1. Strengthen Your Body and Keep Your Weight in Check. Exercise every day or every other day. Even twenty minutes of yoga or a short run will keep your body strong, flexible, and your weight in check. Maintaining a steady weight over the years will keep you looking younger as you get older. Yo-yoing with your weight is the worst thing you can do for your skin. Additionally, the best facial, in my opinion, is not found in a spa. A good sweat can do wonders for your skin in the long term.
2. Feed Your Body Properly And In Moderation. Overeating and under-eating both cause aging. If you starve your body of nutrients in an attempt to be thin, you will ultimately make yourself look older. If you overeat, it will also take a toll on your face and body. Refined sugars, processed foods, artificial sweeteners, sodas, and caffeine consumption should be limited. We know it’s hard to turn down that slice of cake, but the key here is moderation. Eat at least four or five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Packed with antioxidants and vitamins, fruit and vegetables help keep your skin glowing.
3. Limit Your Sun Exposure. If you want that golden glow, you are better off using a spray tan or a temporary bronzer. Whatever you do, protect your skin from the sun! If you do opt to lie out, always wear a wide-brim sunhat and at least a 50 SPF sunblock.
4. Don’t Smoke and Limit Alcohol Consumption. Smoking literally sucks the life out of your body. While you may get away with smoking like a chimney when you’re in your twenties, it will catch up with you in your thirties and forties, in the form of sallow skin and wrinkles. Heavy drinkers will not fare much better. Drinking alcohol dehydrates your skin and acts as a poison in your body. While a night out on occasion or a glass or two of red wine at dinner is usually fine, consuming more than four drinks at a time, several times a week, will take a toll on your skin and body.
5. Get Enough Sleep. They call it “Beauty Sleep” for a reason. Healthy amounts of sleep will keep your cells rejuvenated and your skin glowing. Without rest, your body does not have time to regenerate, and the result is baggy eyes and wrinkles. Without enough sleep you will age very quickly.
6. Wash Your Face Every Night Without Exception And Moisturize. Never go to sleep with makeup on, no matter how tired you are. Even if you haven’t worn makeup all day, you still need to cleanse before bed, as dirt and oil builds up throughout the day. Without proper cleansing, your pores will clog and dead skin cells will build up, leading to a bumpy and uneven complexion.
7. Take Care Of Your Pearly Whites And Don’t Forget To Smile. Nothing helps a face look more beautiful than a bright white smile. Brush your teeth at least twice a day. I recommend a high fluoride toothpaste such as Fluocaril, which helps your teeth stay strong and looking their best. Don’t forget to smile often. Smiling makes you feel a whole lot better and projects your positive energy onto others. It will also shape your face and lines in a pleasant way, as you get older.
8. Drink At Least Eight Glasses Of Water A Day. Drinking keeps both your skin and body clean, and helps keep you healthy. Try drinking eight glasses of water a day for the next two weeks, and you will see immediate results.
FEED YOUR INNER GODDESS – THE SPIRITUAL
1. See The Beauty Around You. Like a child, never lose your ability to see beauty around you, in people, in nature, in the little things we sometimes take for granted, and you will always be amazed by what surrounds you. As Franz Kafka once said, “Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”
2. Be Grateful. I keep a little book in my office drawer that I pull out at least once a week and re-read. In it, I have listed all the things/people/blessings I feel grateful for in my life. Never underestimate the power of being grateful. Having that state of mind will make you more beautiful inside and out.
3. Love Yourself. Believe in yourself with all your imperfections and all your qualities. Trust that you have an inner self, worthy of letting out, one that includes talents and gifts to be developed. Don’t try to fix yourself, instead, nurture yourself. The notion of “fixing yourself” works against your self-esteem, but nurturing expands it. If you don’t like how your skin looks, treat yourself to a moisturizer—or visit a dermatologist. Help yourself feel the way you would like to feel in a completely positive way. Instead of being self-critical, be self-interested and pamper yourself.
4. Enjoy Life. Make enjoying life a priority. Make sure you give yourself some “me” time to do the things that you love and really enjoy. You deserve it, and you will surely live longer and be healthier if you lead your life this way.
5. Banish Envy and Jealousy. The green-eyed monster must go! Envy makes us ugly, and we should really kick it out of our lives. Women in particular are prone to jealousy towards other women who they perceive as more beautiful, or happier. It will only bring you down, suck your energy, and make you feel miserable inside. Instead, admire and compliment other people on their achievements, and find inspiration in their success.
6. Do Good. Don’t waste your time on superficial things. Material happiness never lasts. After a while you feel lousy again and you have to buy the next item. Focus your attention instead on something constructive that helps others in need, and you will feel so much better about yourself in the long-term. Volunteering part of your time for a cause that you feel passionate about will give you so much in return, and make you a more beautiful person all round.
7. Pray and/or Meditate. Your inner Goddess is nourished by prayer; so you need to feed her by spending some time every day, even just a few minutes, in prayer or in mediation. Fill your mind with thoughts of kindness, compassion, and positivity and your beauty will shine through.
8. Dare to Follow Your Dreams. Expand your definition of yourself beyond what you see in the mirror. Don’t try to deny, avoid, or minimize the change in your looks as you age—acknowledge it—but recognize that you are the sum of your experiences. See all those qualities when you look at yourself, and exploit them. Instead of feeling like you are fading with age, make yourself more vibrant by setting a challenging goal or going after a dream. As the Colombian writer, Gabriel Garcia Marquez once said: “It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.”
*** This article was first published in Sense & Style Magazine Philippines – October Edition 2013 ***