Before I became a mom, I always knew I wanted to be a “working mom,” meaning I would have a full-time job outside the home. My mom was a work-from-home mom (she and my dad owned a business together), and my dad ingrained in me to “never rely on anyone to take care of you financially.” My mind was made up from a young age. I would have a career AND a family: I would “have it all.”
And then I had my son.
It all started after going back to work after my maternity leave. I really struggled when I went back because I returned way too early. Aidan was 6 weeks old when I went back to work and 8 weeks old when he started daycare. He was the youngest baby in the baby room, and seeing how small he was compared to the other babies broke my heart. I would cry in my car after dropping Aidan off at daycare and cry in the mother’s room during my pump breaks at work. I felt very alone because no one seemed to understand what I was going through, not even my handful of mom friends because they had all waited until their babies were at least 3 months old before they went back to work.
Things got a little better after my busy season at work. Since I went back to work so early, I still had some Paid Family Leave from the state that could be used during Aidan’s first year, so over the summer, I worked three days a week. Being able to spend four-day weekends with Aidan helped with the mom guilt. I also read the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg during this time which inspired me to keep pursuing a life with family and a career. Something Sheryl pointed out in her book is that returning to work after maternity leave is hard, so our jobs need to be worth it. If we as moms are going to be away from our babies to work, our jobs needs to interest and challenge us. After I read this, I realized my job as a legislative assistant was not worth being away from Aidan because I found the work boring, and I eventually wanted to find something more fulfilling.
Thanks to having more time to bond with Aidan over the summer, my working mom guilt was easing up. But after I returned to work full time at the end of the summer, I started struggling with another challenge: getting it all done. When you have a kid and a full time job, you have way more things on your to-do list, but way less time to do it because you’re trying to spend time with you kid after work and on the weekends. Because of my never ending to-do lists and lack of time, I couldn’t keep up, and it drove me crazy. I felt like I was constantly drowning.
After being back at work full time for a few months, I started thinking about being a stay-at-home mom. I thought that if I didn’t have to deal with a full-time job, I would have way more time to focus on Aidan and managing the household. Unfortunately, Chris wasn’t a big fan of the idea because we would not be able to live comfortably on his salary alone. I was pretty disappointed that being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t an option for me; I wanted to stay home with my baby, and I didn’t want to feel overwhelmed anymore.
Fast forward to the end of February shortly after Aidan turned one. I had my annual review at work and was told I’d be getting a promotion, then a few days later, I attended my first ever professional development conference. I was proud of my promotion and the conference was inspiring. My favorite part of the day was hearing from some of the speakers who also happened to be working moms: moms who had more kids and more demanding jobs than I did, but seemed to be making working mom life work for them. I was motivated after my promotion and inspired after seeing these women on stage at that conference, so I started to change my mind about becoming a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I could make balancing a family and a career work, because clearly other women were making it work for them.
Something else that helped my change of heart around this time was researching. I read books written by working moms, I Googled “tips for better time management,” and I went on coffee dates with other working moms and asked them for advice. This is what helped me the most. These women, who had more kids and more demanding jobs than I do, gave me the motivation and encouragement to keep going. One woman in particular shared with me that she tackled grad school while working a full time job and breastfeeding her baby. To this day, that mama is one of my heroes!
I learned a lot thanks to my research, but the lesson that stuck out the most was to make my partner a true partner. This meant I needed to stop being the Type A control freak that I am and start asking Chris for help more when it comes to childcare and household responsibilities. And not only ask for help, but trust him to get the job done in his own way, not mine. I could write an entire blog post on maternal gatekeeping, but for now, I’ll admit it was a problem for us the first year and a half of Aidan’s life, but when I started to back off and let Chris help out more, I started to feel a lot less overwhelmed.
In June I started searching for a new job. Part of my job search involved joining a young professionals group where I befriended more inspiring working moms who were rocking working mom life. I also worked on identifying what my skills and interests were so I could find a new career path. It took about a year, but I eventually landed a job in communications at an awesome company. I’m much happier now that I have a challenging job in communications because I love to write and be creative. I’m also working for a totally different industry, so I’m learning a lot!
I’ve been a working mom for 2.5 years, and things are so different now in the best way possible. Aidan is thriving in daycare three days a week; he’s learning so much and loves socializing with other kids there. Aidan has also developed a strong bond with my dad and Chris’ mom who watch him the other two days a week. I’ve gotten better at managing my time and asking for help from my husband and others instead of trying to do everything myself, which means less overwhelm. Finally, I have a challenging job that I LOVE and helps provide for our family. In the last 2.5 years, working mom life has gotten easier, and it’ll only continue to get easier as time goes on and I learn more about balancing family with career.
As for working mom guilt, I still have it occasionally, but the guilt I feel nowadays does not compare to the guilt I felt after I went back to work. Whenever I have bad days, I try to remind myself that I’m doing what’s best for my family and all the good that comes from me working, like financial security and opportunities for Aidan to socialize with other kids and family members. I also remind myself to be grateful that I have everything I’ve always wanted: a family, a great career, a house, friends, and hobbies. I may not be able to give 100% of myself to all of those things 100% of the time, but that’s okay. What matters is at the end of the day, I’m happy with my choices, and for the first time since I went back to work, I am.
The post How I Stopped Feeling Guilty and Started Embracing Working Motherhood appeared first on Gina Marie Rose.