Once upon a time, mail-order ruled the commercial world. In those days, mothers across the land thumbed through glossy tomes with gleeful abandon. A stroke of the matriarchal pen outfitted growing families, box by swollen box, with the finest trappings. Footed pyjamas, rubber moccasins, and Silvertone guitars bent the backs of mail carriers as the postal service speeded such desirable goods to American mailboxes. Sears & Roebuck stood proud as the king of the catalogs, while lesser dukes like JCPenney and L.L. Bean vied for their piece of a good mother’s checkbook.
But what of the man of the family, and his particular needs? Surely the suburban warrior of Levittown desired more than the various and sundry monogrammed wares that L.L. Bean could provide. Where might he find the perfect fly reel, or a decanter of fresh deer urine? What enterprising merchant could offer the perfect binoculars for watching his neighbors’ wives swim at the YMCA? Enter Richard Cabela. With $45 worth of fishing lures, the young Mr. Cabela launched his eponymous outdoor goods catalog in 1961. From those humble newsprint pages, an empire emerged.
I went to Cabela’s for the first time in my life yesterday. One can scarcely believe that such a monstrosity was once just a guy in his underwear mailing off fishing lures from his living room in Nebraska. Today’s Cabela’s is a grotesque, bloated caricature of its svelte beginnings. Picture a diabetic Elvis in his twilight years, clutching a deer head and wearing a “Keep the Change, Obummer” t-shirt. He’d also be shopping on a scooter on account of the diabeetus (thanks, Obama). I’m tempted to describe the milieu of man-made ponds and racks of paintball guns as “Disneyland for Idiots,” but I think that’s the niche Walmart is trying to fill. My terrified patronage of Cabela’s was a necessary evil, owing to my attendance at a meeting. Said meeting took place in a Cabela’s conference room, the decor of which can best be summed up as “dead stuff.” If you’ve never heard a retired Texan describe the nuances of petroleum, oil, and lubricant logistics while a stuffed Lichtenstein Hartebeest stares you in the face, you’re missing out on an enriching experience.
Thus, it is with a newfound fear for the power of American commerce, a new paintball gun, that I bring you the surefire prognostications for Week 5 in this, the year of Lord, 2014…
Tennessee at Georgia. Speaking of your local Cabela’s, it’s time for the annual showdown between Georgia and whatever Tennessee puts on the field this week. The Dawgs get home field advantage for this one. Like a 1970s porn star, Mark Richt excels when he’s surrounded by bushes. Georgia’s a 17-point favorite? They can piss that away easily, as history has shown. For grins, let’s pretend Richt has learned his lesson about using a guy who averages 7.4 ypc on first down as a blocker inside the 10-yard line. I love toying with the idea that he’s a sentient being capable of internalizing his own failures. Don’t expect any hobnail boot moments. The noses will be broken long before the final drive. Georgia by 16.
Cincinnati at Ohio State. I’d call Cincinnati “Ohio’s asshole” but it lacks the depth and warmth one might associate with that particular crevasse. That may seem harsh, but my enduring memory of the Queen City of the West is a group of rioters setting all the trash cans and dumpsters ablaze outside my girlfriend’s dorm. Charming. The Buckeyes have lost twice to Cincinnati, the latter coming as recently as 1897. It was one of Lou Holtz’s favorite games as a boy. I’d call for a Buckeye statement win (what with having had two weeks to prepare and all) but the Buckeyes have a history of tin-man performances following bye weeks. Instead I’ll defer to the forces of history and a Cincinnati team that has averaged 300 yards passing in two games. Granted, it was against cupcakes, but Virginia Tech now appears to be chocolate-frosted disaster with a marshmallow center. Let’s not pretend the Bucks have dispatched their own cupcakes with similar ease—especially ones who throw the ball with even mild competence. OSU is favored by 17.5, but I’ll don my Chapeau of Lowered Expectations and call for an 8-point Buckeye win.
Army at Yale. Rome wasn’t built in a day, people. I wouldn’t think I’d need to remind an alumni base that struggled to pull Iraq out of drain for the better part of a decade that rebuilding this mess might take more than one summer, but here we are. The cupboard is bare, and that is gonna take a hot minute to fix. While we’re on the subject of Rome and ruins: the Yale Bowl. Woof. A world-beating university with an $11 Billion dollar endowment could probably afford to spruce the ol’ Colosseum up a bit. One glimpse of the Yale Bowl brings the expectation that at any moment lions will be mauling Christians at midfield. It’s an impressive homage to urban decay. Yale’s football fortunes have crumbled right alongside their stadium, becoming a sad sideshow. The Yale-Harvard game is now Army-Navy for wimps, right down to the lopsided results. I don’t know whether or not to have any faith in the Rabble this week. This game is such a lump most bookmakers aren’t giving odds. I’ll keep up the fire, though. Army by 12, provided they don’t try to play soccer with handoffs.
Minnesota at Michigan (The Brown Jug Trophy). You may not get this game on TV where you are, so I feel obliged to offer you an alternative. Pop on down to your local Whole Foods. Watch two average-looking wives in yoga garb swing their Kate Spade bags at one another over the last jug of organic pomegranate juice. Assign the bout a meaningless score. Enjoy the 2 hours and 54 minutes you saved. Meeechigan in a 6-point squeaker, because Hoke is fighting for his egregious paycheck.
Wyoming at MSU. I believe the unwritten rules about football writing demand that I implore you not to underestimate Wyoming. I’m supposed to offer sage advice about the quiet dynamo of a program that two-time FCS champion Craig Bohl is building in Laramie (aside: he actually is). This ain’t that kind of game, though. MSU lost at Oregon because Oregon is likely the second-best team in the country, if not the best. At least Wyoming will get paid. You’d still be nuts to take the -28 line, you crazy diamond. Sparty by 26.
Tarpwestern at Penn State. Northwestern is in the midst of the longest slow-play in history, lulling opponents into a false sense of security with run plays on 3-and-9. Northwestern is actually a supremely talented team with a lot of poten-HAHAHA. Wow, that’s hard. Couldn’t keep a straight face. PSU has this one in the bag, provided they don’t Richt on their own cranks and Clemson it away. Then again…it’s PSU, and 13 points against Rutgers does not great confidence inspire. Nittany Lions by 24 on the backs of endless passing by Hackenberg, with just enough work out of Bill Belton to let the receivers catch their breath.
Florida State at NC State. Consider a world in which both Duke and the Wolfpack are 4-0, the Seminoles had to beat Clemson’s freshman QB in overtime, and the team with the most wins over ACC foes is East Carolina. Say what you will about the Big Ten (and you should), but the ACC so far looks like nothing more than a way to keep Jameis Winston occupied until December. On that front, Jimbo Fischer seems bent on exploring new frontiers in PR gaffes. This week’s panacea for the embattled Winston Show comes in the form of an NC State. This is a State team that has beaten Bible State Jesus College, Directional Florida, Jeff Monken’s Ex, and somebody-or-other to claim an unblemished record. What that tells us is that stats are largely meaningless when comparing the Wolfpack to FSU. If last week’s Clemsoning showed us anything, it’s that without Jameis, FSU is a decent defense backing an offense consisting of 10 hobos and a donkey with pots clanging off its sides. That may be an exaggeration, but only slightly. As a fan of Braxton Miller, I know a one-man show when I see it. But the show is back on—for the moment—and FSU beats the line and wins by 21.
Stanford at Washington. Can a Steve Sarkisian product beat Stanford twice in one season? Does the Cardinal have an over-inflated sense of their own place in the universe? Would you like to earn money in your spare time? If you answered yes to all three of these questions, you’re a keen student of Pac-12 football and the perfect mark for a pyramid scheme. An Advocare associate will contact you shortly. Stanford is not the Stanford of yesteryear. Their best offensive performance came at the expense of Army, which…you know…happens to pretty much everyone Army plays. Otherwise their offense vacillates between “Indiana” and “Vanderbilt.” Washington is no slouch, but the Stanford defense isn’t going to let them score 44 points this week. I’ve got a feeling that Chris Petersen has some of that old Boise State magic up his sleeve. Stanford should win by 3, but I’m gonna risk backing the Huskies even though they’re missing two key offensive players. Washington wins by 4 with a late strike.
Vanderbilt at Kan’tucky. Ha. This is like choosing how you’d like to lose your home. Kentucky wins by 10, insofar as either of these two can lay claim to the title of “winner.”
Arkansas at TAMU. Bert and the Hogs invade Kyle Field. No, this isn’t a flyer for a bluegrass concert at the fairgrounds. Arkansas is coming to College Station in what might be the biggest mismatch of offensive styles this week. Arkansas runs the ball incessantly, which is a testament to Bert’s mental acuity and reflexes. Rapid movements startle him, so he likes to avoid passing when possible. That, and Arkansas QB Brandon Allen is essentially a life support system for a handoff when facing a quality pass defense. Against Auburn (not exactly a quality defense, I admit), he averaged a whopping 5.6 yards per completion, compared to 5.3 yards per carry by the backs. Let’s consider his passes to just be forward handoffs. TAMU’s spread offense does nothing but throw, and with Kenny Hill at QB it’s hard to fault them. The difference in this game will be whether A&M can stop the run. The Aggies will likely score every time they have the ball, but Arkansas’ plodding run game will chew time off the clock. On the upside, Bert proved time and again at Wisconsin that linear time confounds him. Aggies beat the line and win by 15.
Mizzou at Sakerlina. I don’t know how one recovers from losing to Indiana. I can’t recall any respectable program that’s had to unravel that Gordian knot. That’s on the order of having to rebuild after losing a war to Italy. Does anyone know how if South Carolina is any good? I don’t, and neither does Spurrier by his own admission. After watching Sakerlina’s secondary get picked apart like the carcass of Brady Hoke’s career, I think Maty Mauk has a bang-up day. The Tigers win by 9, further confounding the Old Ball Coach.
Maryland at Indiana. While the Hoosiers are on my mind, let’s consider this little gem. If these two teams run at one another full tilt, the impact might fuse them into one program with half a tradition. This game’s a toss-up, so I’ll go for the home team. Hoosiers by 1. Or some similarly minuscule number. Either way, you’re only gonna watch it on ESPNU tomorrow morning.