All eras end. That is the nature of the beast. Time marches onward, fortunes change, and the world we knew gives way to the world that is and that will be. September the 6th has seen its share of endings. For example, on this date in 1847 Thoreau left his beloved Walden Pond and moved in with Mr. and Mrs. Ralph Waldo Emerson, thus ending the first cataloged attempt by a privileged white guy to “find himself” by getting back to nature. Incidentally, Thoreau also inadvertently ushered in the era of educated white men mooching off their buddies’ domestic situations. Henry D. was a trendsetter. For those with more contemporary tastes, the affable dame formerly known as “Princess” Diana was laid to rest in London on September 6, 1997, effectively ending the era of likable things about Prince Charles.
The point is that all good things must come to an end. Some good things end well. Take King Cones (Drumsticks to you philistine brand-whores) for example. One time, I ate six of those delicious conical masterpieces in a sitting just to get to the solidified puddle of fudge at bottom of each delectable waffle cone. By “one time” I obviously mean “several times for lunch this week.” Hey, it’s not my fault that they were on sale. I didn’t invent capitalism, I just live under its strictures. Of course in other cases, good things end poorly. Examples include teen pregnancy, Old Yeller dying, and nearly every bowl game the Big Ten plays.
To that end, this September 6th is an occasion of great sadness. This saturday marks the last meeting—for the foreseeable future—of Michigan and Notre Dame. Make you no mistake: my thoughts on these two has-beens are known to you all. I’ve declared my distaste for the phony self-righteousness of UM and Notre Dame in no uncertain terms. Cue the tired sports trope of “can’t they both lose?” or of a sinkhole swallowing the stadium, or some similar schtick. Setting disdain aside for a moment, I must recognize that this game is a classic. In the same vein as the flathead V8, Arthur Fonzerelli, the Space Shuttle, and countless other bits of barrel-chested Americana the rest of the world wishes they’d thought up, this matchup is an icon on the cultural landscape. Though this year is an exception, the annual slugfest between these two hobbled giants is often the only true treat of the early season. But no more.
Suspicions abound as to why Notre Dame is dropping Michigan from the annual rubric. In the end, those reasons don’t matter. The fact remains that when the clock strikes zero in South Bend it will signal the end of an era. That era might never be reclaimed. With each passing year, the ghosts of college football’s past become harder to summon forth. The days of Bo and Woody, Bear Bryant, and Army-Navy games of consequence are dim memories. Bobby Bowden has gone from watching game film to watching Murder She Wrote. Shug Jordan has been dead so long, most folks think his name is pronounced like that famous basketball player. This is the way of things. Eras end, after all. Notre Dame’s halting move away from independence, as unwanted as it may be, is inevitable. The football landscape is changing. The sport will continue to move inexorably toward conference alignments and Big 5 autonomy. ESPN owns the bully pulpit and you’ll know who’s supposed to be champion by week 3. The ACC controls much of Notre Dame’s scheduling destiny now. In the end, I think ND will regret it. As a fan, I already do.
So for one last time, I bring to you a prediction for the Michigan/Notre Dame showdown—and many others—for the second week of God’s sport in this, the year of our Lord, 2014…
1. Michigan at Notre Dame. Hail to the Victors and Shake Down the Thunder one last time. I wish I could bring the athletic directors of these fine schools together, so that I might impartially deliver swift croquet mallet strikes to their gentleman parts. Ending this series is selfish, short-sighted, and bad for ‘Merica. It would be like ending the Space Shuttle program. Which we would totally never, ever, ever do, amiright? While we know very little about these teams, I’ll honestly say I’m higher on Notre Dame after their win over Rice—last year’s Conference USA champ—than I am on Michigan. Congrats are in order to the Wolverines, who improved to .500 lifetime against their former FCS nemesis. Appalachian State won three whole games last year, and after watching them play last week, I see three wins as the ceiling for that team. Michigan has yet to prove they can run on any team with conscious defensive linemen. Expect whoever Hokelberry is paying to coach the team this year to rely on Funchess, Funchess, and more Funchess. Notre Dame’s defense essentially has to counter one threat. They’re used to battling three: scissor lifts, essays, and imaginary women. This should feel like a break. Speaking of defense, Michigan will have its hands full with Everett Golson, who had no trouble passing against Rice. Too bad that wasn’t the case for him in the classroom. Because the universe is a cruel and merciless bitch, Notre Dame will be rewarded with a win as they tear apart the fabric of our national football identity. Lou Holtz will mix two Viagra into his Seagram’s VO so he can have a celebratory boner. ND wins by 5 at home.
2. Buffalo at Army. Speaking of eras, the thump of a foot striking pigskin will open a new chapter in the troubled history of Army football this Saturday. Shockingly, Army opens as 3.5 point favorites over the Bulls. What will we see out of the Black Knights? It’s hard to know for sure. Rumor has it that Angel Santiago will get the start. He should be familiar to every heart in gray, as he’s frequently the Army player nearest to a drive-destroying offensive fumble (draw your own linkages). Other rumblings indicate Monken is looking to introduce novel concepts to the Army playbook, such as throwing the football to a player downfield as a means of reaching the line-to-gain for a first down. Army has tried that in past, completing dozens of passes to cornerbacks, linebackers, and the occasional fan waiting for a hot dog. An attempt to reinstitute such a wrinkle in the playbook would suggest A.J. Schurr taking snaps. Anchoring the predictable mainstay of the traditional Army “run run run, lather, rinse, repeat” attack is a party of experienced running backs. Terry Baggett and Larry Dixon both return, as does Raymond Maples. Maples is back from a season-ending injury last year and could be the first Army back to register three 1000-yard seasons. Napkin math suggests that would give him a career wins-to-effort ratio so small it requires scientific notation. I don’t remember how to do scientific notation. Without All-American Khalil Mack at linebacker, the Bulls look like the stereotypical MAC punching bag. Look for them to throw nonstop to their 6’4” wideout Ron Willoughby and their equally impressive tight end. I’m taking the fact that this Buffalo team needed a 10-minute, 16-play drive to put away mighty Duquesne last week as a good omen. No rain on Monken’s Acceptance Day parade. Army wins and covers the spread. Black Knights eek out a 4-point win to start Monken off right.
3. MSU at Oregon. You are reading these picks in English, which tells me that you’re American and educated, and thus were forced to read The Outsiders at some point. Mark Helfrich and the Ducks are the Socs (that’s pronounced “Sosh-es” if’n you weren’t never told). They have the money, the prestige, the girls, and the fancy clothes. They’re the kids on the top of the social heap, and for good reason. The other Mark, Mr. Dantonio, is Sodapop. He’s older, wiser, and he’s not taking any shit. He and Pat “Ponyboy” Narduzzi are pretty tired of hearing that Marcus Mariota—a QB who has still never lived up to the frothy-mouthed hype ESPN has lathered upon him—can’t be stopped, slowed down, tackled, or even looked in the eye. Will that affect the outcome? I don’t know. Connor Cook is playing his best football ever. Is MSU the athletic equal, mano-a-mano, to Oregon? No. But this isn’t a wrestling meet. It’s a team fight, and greasers always have a knife in their pocket. Everybody expects Oregon’s frisbee-catching dogs act to trip up the stodgy Big Ten champs. Consider this, though: Sodapop Dantonio’s MSU teams have only ever lost once to a team that runs 75 plays or more per game. In the end, though, I think Oregon gets the better of them. It’ll get out of hand briefly in the 3rd and MSU will come charging back with too little, too late. Ducks win by 11 and we have to hear about them being a playoff lock for the rest of the season.
4. VT at Ohio State. Urban Meyer is 3-0 in night games. Ohio State has won 65 straight games against unranked out-of-conference opponents. These are the type of stats we hear during the week, which sound doubly annoying when repeated in the 4th quarter as the favored Buckeyes are shooting their own feet off. Folks got really high on J.T. Barrett last week. He went 12-15 in the second half! Two TDs! Folks, it was Navy. They wear white shoes and their defensive backs were closer to intercepting the placekicker’s warmup shots on the sideline than they were to Buckeye receivers. I could go 12-15, too, if my receivers had 5-yard bubbles around them. I’m not saying Navy’s bad, but they’re not good. Not in the secondary, anyhow. Let’s temper our enthusiasm. Add to that, the Buckeye line looked as porous as the Texas border. Line play like that won’t win the day this week. VT has a solid front four and two very stingy CBs. The running back stable will be hard pressed to get their act together. You know, the same three-headed beast that combined for a whopping 194 yards against the Midshipmen. It could be a very long, sad night in Columbus. Fire up the Papa John’s oven. VT wins by 6.
5. USC at Stanford. I’d give my left plum to be in California this weekend. It just feels like a West Coast sorta day. Last week’s showdown between #13 and #14 ended in disaster for Wisconsin. This week’s might not be much different for #14 USC. The Trojans have had their share of off-the-field issues in the past, oh, 15 years or so. Some of their problems are so creative, they couldn’t even be dreamed up by the folks down the road in Hollywood. Perhaps that isn’t much of a criticism given that we’ve endured four Transformers movies now. Creativity is more likely living in an overpriced ranch house in Silicon Valley now. And it has Stanford season tickets. I like Stanford in this game because they’re blessedly light on bullshit. No off-the-field messes. No scandals. Just power football. I’ll like them less next week when they square off against Army. But until then, party in the backfield. Cardinal by 8.
6. Navy at Temple. Who thought this would be a game? Curse me for saying so, but I think Navy wins. Yes, I know Temple beat Vanderbilt. But that was due in large part to seven turnovers by the Commodores. Apparently they had their Anchor Down all game (see what I did there?). It’s hard to know if Temple has anything, since Vandy Vandy’d so hard. Navy ran for 370 yards against OSU. They also only passed for 20. The game plan isn’t a mystery, but it doesn’t have to be. Squiddies by 3.
7. Mizzou at Toledo. The SEC’s newest Tigers traveling to Suitcase U? How the hell’d that happen? Easy. Mizzou coach Gary Pinkel is the winningest coach at both Mizzou and Toledo. The old fella has a soft spot for urban blight, and decided a trip to the Glass City was in order. This is not the Mizzou of last year, though. Currently ranked at a generous 24th, they’re only 3.5 point favorites over the Rockets. It seems odd not to see Toledo playing on a Tuesday night. That alone should tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Toledo as a locale. They play college football on Tuesdays. The Tigers sharpened their claws against South Dakota State last week. The Rockets tuned up their engines against New Hampshire. Terrible mascot puns against aside, I don’t know who had the easier game. Whipped cream versus shaving cream in a battle of softness. Toledo’s QB Phillip Ely threw for 337 yards, which is impressive but not shocking. He’s an Alabama transfer, so the talent is there. That could spell trouble for a Mizzou team that went 3-for-11 on 3rd downs and allowed SD State almost 8 yards per pass. Still, Maty Mauk is a beast. You can take the points on this one. Mizzou by 10.
8. K-State at Iowa State. I don’t know how Iowa State continues to be this bad. Even the Hawkeyes achieve solid mediocrity in their worst years. Yes, North Dakota State is the best FCS program since Moses played Pop Warner, but still. They’re FCS. Have some dignity, man! Don’t lose by 20 points! Ideally, don’t lose at all, but I recognize that’s a tall order in Ames. Bill Snyder’s cats will make ISU fans wish an actual cyclone would wipe out their program so they can put the insurance money toward something they’re good at. As to what that might be, your guess is as good as mine.
9. Ole Miss at Vandy. Vandy gonna Vandy. Nashville is my adoptive hometown and there’s no shortage of amazing things to do on a Saturday. Commodores football isn’t one of them. That’s a local’s way of saying that you’d be a fool to go down to West End for a Vandy game when you could be enjoying literally any other aspect of Nashville. Go to Pancake Pantry. Scratch that. Go to Tavern and get sauced at brunch, nap at Centennial Park, and then drink the after noon away in a bar with a million TVs, most of which will show actual football. On second thought, the city will be full of people from Mississippi. Just cut your losses and stay in. Rebels by 20.
10. Air Force at Wyoming. Air Force travels back to Wyoming for the first time since daddy slapped mommy at the dinner table. After the last meeting in the Land of Ten Walmarts (really…ten in the whole state of Wyoming), the Wyoming coach accused Air Force of faking an injury to save a timeout. Given what we know of USAFA’s athletic department, he was probably right. He’s gone now, on account of not winning football games. Their new coach came from North Dakota State with the last three FCS trophies in his trunk. Air Force is favored by 2 points, but who knows if they’re worth a rip. They beat the tar out of Nicholls State, which I’m fairly certain is an online school. I’ll take Wyoming in this one. A touchdown, maybe more.