Twitter would like to wish Tim Kaine a belated Father’s Day
Vice President Joe Biden may have electrified the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday with a well-placed cry of “malarkey,” but his potential successor sparked something else on Twitter.
Sen. Tim Kaine of Virginia, Hillary Clinton’s running mate, reminded America of someone during his address on the convention’s third night, and that someone was apparently the nation’s collective idea of a dad. Inspired by the senator’s corny-but-earnest delivery and a subpar Donald Trump impression that would kill on any family roadtrip, the dad jokes on Twitter flowed like the cheap beer that comes from the fridge in the garage.
Some of the best:
• @kevinpokeeffe: “Tim Kaine really wants you to have a good time at this party but would ask that you just remember to use a coaster!!!!!!”
• @PJVogt: “Tim Kaine is your friend’s dad who catches you smoking weed at a sleepover and doesn’t rat you out but talks to you about brain development.”
• @tastefactory: “Tim Kaine says it’s ok with him, but you should check with your mother.”
• @JHWeissmann: “Tim Kaine just wants one word alone with your prom date.”
• @ericschroeck: “I just want Tim Kaine to make me some scrambled eggs when I’m sad and ask me, ‘What’s wrong, scout?’”
On the off chance that Kaine takes affront to these social media comedians, he should remember that he only has himself to blame: He’s a harmonica enthusiast. In fact, the Atlantic’s Molly Ball tweeted that an ex-Kaine staffer told her the man carries four harmonicas with him.
The real ‘old Austin’
If you’ve been around long enough to remember when Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard was called 19th Street, and if your mouth still waters when you think of a flame-kissed Holiday House hamburger, the Austin of today might seem unfamiliar at times. But don’t worry — it’s still the place to be for the 65-and-over set, according to new rankings.
Senior care services website SeniorAdvice compiled a list of the top 10 large U.S. cities for seniors, and Austin is sitting pretty at No. 2. There’s more to the city than weirdness, according to the list: “The city scores higher than both the state and national averages when it comes to senior-friendliness. With perks such as mild winters, low rainfall, an active outdoor community, and excellent access to health care, Austin is a very livable place for Texas seniors to call home.”
Other perks of living out your golden years in the capital of Texas? Financial accommodation and natural beauty, like Lady Bird Lake and the greenbelt. However, SeniorAdvice’s suggestion that seniors can “enjoy the mild climate” is good for a knee-slap or 2,000.
Hiss-teria
A resident of the North Texas town Vernon did not invite the snake that joined her for breakfast in her kitchen early last week. So she kindly saw him out.
As the Wichita Falls Times-Record-News reports, Deborah Burdette woke up to a large snake on her kitchen counter. When she returned with her phone to take a picture, she found the reptile slithering its way into her dishwasher. Not wanting to lose track of the creature, she grabbed hold of it.
After realizing “it was very hard to hold onto,” as she told Times-Record-News, Burdette grabbed a nearby knife and tried to kill the animal. When that didn’t work, she grabbed a still-packaged meat cleaver, tore it open with her teeth and hit the snake on the head, “immobilizing it.”
While her conquest earned a picture of what turned out to be a 6-foot-long poisonous water moccasin, Burdette’s adventure wasn’t over yet.
Returning to the kitchen later that night, Burdette encountered yet another snake (later identified as a bull snake) on her kitchen counter, but didn’t see the creature before it bit her on the hand, according to the Wichita paper. Burdette has since been treated for her bite and sealed the hole that she believes the snakes were coming through by stuffing it with Brillo pads.
— Amanda O’Donnell, American-Statesman staff
Ol’ Scratch
A recent Austin Cragislist ad post reads: “Free cat to thick-skinned family or individual.” And as if that headline wasn’t already a bit strange, the rest of the ad hinted that the cat might possibly be a demon in disguise.
The cat named Ringo is up for grabs, though the ad says he doesn’t typically respond to that name. Whoever posted the ad even gives potential new owners some ideas on what to call him, including Lucifer and Diablo.
The ad also features a photo of the gray and white cat hissing at someone not pictured and another shot of him biting at a person’s hand. The ad says Ringo is the perfect cat for anyone who fits, among others, these descriptions:
• Looking for a pet that’s “a reflection of your cold dark heart”
• Wants to “experience what it is like living in a lion’s cage” without shelling out zoo admission
• Desire “a constant reminder of your ex-lover that broke up with you via text message and then ignored your calls for months”
Whoever owns this cat just really wants him gone. Good luck to you if you choose to take this vicious kitty home.
— Danielle Lopez, American-Statesman staff
That’s just your prime directive, man
Captain Kirk and the Dude ventured to Austin last week to have a little chat at Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar, according to social media posts from the theater.
Actors Chris Pine and Jeff Bridges were in town for a special screening of their film “Hell or High Water,” which is about a family who has to try and save their West Texas ranch. The two hosted a Q&A and were joined on stage by co-stars Ben Foster and Gil Birmingham, director David Mackenzie and few more from the crew.
And after the Drafthouse appearance, Bridges made his way onstage at the Continental Club to join country singer Dale Watson, according to the club’s Facebook page. Apparently, the actor is a big fan, and he also gave a shout out to the memory of his friend and musician Stephen Burton.
— Danielle Lopez, American-Statesman staff
ABOUT THE WEBB REPORT
Catch up on the week’s viral headlines and entertainment buzz, brought to you by social media editor and pop culture writer Eric Webb. Read more at mystatesman.com/webbreport.