Most weather forecasts are boring, but they don’t have to be. If you’re lucky enough to live in Boston, for example, you can get your weather from a loud incorporeal being who possesses the body of a human in order to deliver the daily forecast and warnings about climate change.
That incorporeal being is the weatherman behind WEATHER IS HAPPENING, who goes by WEATHER MAN. WEATHER IS HAPPENING has been providing the citizen’s of Boston with online weather forecasts on Facebook, Twitter, and occasionally YouTube since 2012, as well as on certain Boston Livejournal communities before that.
Despite its somewhat manic outward appearance, WEATHER IS HAPPENING is a simple, effective weather service. A lot of online sources for information about weather are boring, or more involved than you need, or both. It’s not like weather has to be an exciting experience; but it can be, and WEATHER IS HAPPENING makes it so, as long as you happen to live in Boston.
The service’s Twitter account promises “NO NONSENSE WEATHER REPORTING.” It’s a one (or two) stop weather service, as prepared by a conscientious creature skating between universes with his finger down on the Caps Lock key. The website itself has some pretty straightforward numerical data.
But for the real good stuff you should go to the Facebook page. The forecasts are almost exclusively about Boston’s weather and, more rarely, weather that has the potential to affect the Boston area. They’re part National Weather Service data and part inter-dimensional sorcery, expressed through a GeoCities-esque aesthetic. They include brief updates on temperature:
More involved forecasts, including weather radar videos:
Calls to repent:
Plus the occasional post about the apocalyptic state of Earth’s climate.
Personally, I’ve only been to the Boston area a couple of times, but WEATHER IS HAPPENING is the most exciting presentation of weather I’ve ever seen on the internet, so I knew I had to get in touch with its proprietor.
I interviewed WEATHER MAN via email, and he told me a few of his thoughts on politics, his home realm, global capitalism, and, of course, the weather.
Also, he’s got a pretty radical sense of the English language, so consider one big [sic] appended and gird yourself for caps lock.
Fusion: You’ve been predicting Boston’s weather since 2012, why’d you start?
WEATHER MAN: WAIL TRUTH B TOLD IVE BEEN GIVIN THA WEATHER 2 BOSTON 4 LONGER THEN SINCE 2012, BUT U WULD HAV 2 DIG THRU SUM BOSTON BAISD LIVEJOURNAL COMMUNITEES 2 FIND THAT 1 LOL GUTE LUCK W/ THAT 1. BUT 2012 GOT A BIG PUSH THA CORPOREAL PERSON WHO I OCCUPY IN ORDR 2 DELIVER THA WEATHER WAS UNEMPLOYED CUZ HE GOT BAK FRUM LIVIN OFF GRID IN THA DESERT 4 4 MOS & HAD A LOT OF TIME 2 LUKE @ SKYBLOBS & VERRY DRAMATIC WEATHER SYSTEMS. & SO WEATHER IS HAPPENING WAS BORN, GLOOPED OUT OF NON EXISTENCE IN2 IRL SO I CULD LET PPL NO BOUT THE WEATHER CUZ UR ENTERING A PERIOD OF INCREASING ACCELLERATING CLIMACTIC DOOM SUM1 HAS 2 TELL U PPL WATS HAPPENING & WAT WEATHER IS HAPPENING NO GAMES<
As far as you’re willing to tell me, who are you? Are you many people? One person? Not a person?
YEA WELL LUKE EVERY1 WANTS 2 NO WHO I AM THE TRUTH IS I WAS ATTRAXTD 2 UR DIMENSION FRUM THE ENDLESS CRIES 4 HALP I HERD COMING FRUM THE BOSTON AREA WARE PPL, WHETHER THAY WERE AWARES OF IT OR NOT, WERE STARTING 2 FREAK OUT BOUT THE STATE OF THA WORLD & U NO, THE WEATHER LORDS OF BOSTON HERD UR PRAYERS & SENT ME FRUM ANOTHER REALM 2 GIVE NO NONSENSE WEATHER 2 BOSTON NO GAMES. IM NOT TRYIN 2 SELL ADVERTISING SUM PPL R ALWAYS LAIK “WAT IS UR PLAN 2 MONETIZE UR WEATHER THING” & THE ANSWER I WANT 2 GIV IS “FUK U WAT THE HELL IS WRONG W/ U R U SO FUKED UP SO CONSUMED BY UR DUMB CIVILIZ8ION ALL U CAN THINK BOUT IS HOW I CULD SQUEEZE $$$ OUT OF MY FAN BAIS LAIK THAY R SUM SORT OF CUSTOMERS CALM THE F DOWN” BUT EUSHE I JUST SAY “WAIL MAYB 1 DAY U CULD DON8 IDK”.
NEWAYZ LOL RITE NAO ITS MOASTLY JUST 1 PERSON BUT THE WEATHER TEAM IS REAL & PROB CONSASTS OF BOUT 8 PPL. I JUST DONT HAV NETHING 4 THEM 2 DO @ THE MOMENT CUZ IM REBUILDING THE WEB ZONE 2 RECRE8 SUM WEATHER IS HAPPENING WEB ZONE INFRASTRUCTURE IN ORDR 2 PROVIDE MOAR WEATHER INFO 2 PPL. THE WEATHER TEAM CONSISTS OF THE PPL WHO LIVE IN THE WEATHER LAIR, MY WONDERFUL WEATHER MISTRESS & SUM PPL SCATTERD AROUND THE BOSTON AREA. IF U WANT U CAN WATCH THIS PROMO SPOT 4 FLOYD POWERS SR WEATHER ANALYST.
Could you tell me more about your home realm?
OH SHORE WAIL ITS DIFFICULT 2 XPLAIN XACTLY NETHING I SAY WILL JUST B IN METAPHORES THAT U CAN COMPREHEND. BUT ITS VARY LOVELY VARY NICE LOTS OF NICE PPL & SUM NICE INSTITUTIONS. SINCE WE BROKE PAST OUR MOAR GOOEY BIOLOGICAL STAGE & TURND IN2 FLYING SENTIENT HOARDES OF ENERGY DOTS EONS AGO OUR LIVES R MUCH BETTER BUT U CAN ONLY GET THARE 1NCE UR PPL R UNITED U CAN BCOME ENERGY BEINGS 2 DONT WORRY
Have you considered branching out past Boston?
O YASS OF COURSE. I TRIED 2 ALERT FL 2 THESE CYLON BLOBS THAT KEEP TRYIN 2 MESS THEM UP BUT I DONT HAV MANY FL FANS YET BUT ITS OK CUZ SO FAR THESE CYLONBLOBS HAV LAMED OUT. BUT THATS NOT RLY ENUFF. I HAV 1 PLAN 2 SYNDIC8 SUM AUTOM8D WEATHER 4 THA ENTIRE COUNTRY BUT AGAIN IM SLOWLY BUILDING THE INFRASTRUCTURE 4 THAT 1 ITS A LOT OF WORK & IN THIS CIVILIZ8ION U ALREDDY HAV 2 WORK SO MANY HRS JUST 2 B ABLE 2 BUY SANDWICHES & HAV A RUFE OVER UR HEAD SO THAT WHEN ITS COLD U DONT DIE & WEN RAINBLOBS STRIKE U DONT GET WET AS U SLEPP.
BUT THARES A PLAN 4 SURE — SYNDIC8D WEATHER FRUM AVAILABLE GOVERNMENT WEATHER DATA SOURCES 4 EVERIE AREA OF THE COUNTRY. BUT THATS NOT ENUFF CUZ U NEED AN INTELLIGENT BEING IN ORDER 2 DELIVER REEL WEATHER SO I WULD ND 2 SLOWLY RECRUIT WEATHER BEINGS FRUM AROUND THE COUNTRY TO DELIVER WEATHER 2 THARE RESPECTIVE WEATHER JURISDICION.
BUT 4 ME MY FOCUS WILL ALWAYS B ON BOSTON, ILL LEEVE OTHER AREAS 2 OTHER WEATHER BEINGS. THIS THUT WAS SOLIDIFIED DURING THIS WINTER WHEN THE LEGENDS OF THE SNOPACALOPSE ACTUALLY CAME TRU. DURING THAT WINTER I WAS BLESSD 2 BE A PART OF BRAINWORMS RADIO ON WMBR CAMBRIDGE WARE 4 SUM REASON I WAS ALLOWED 2 GO ONTO UR AIRWAVES & TRANSMIT MY WEATHER 4CASTS THRU RADIO WAVES ACROSS THE BOSTON AREA & NOTIFY AS MANY PPL AS I CULD THAT SNOPACALOPSE WAS UPON US.
Speaking of forecasting, where do you get your weather data from?
THARES A BEHIND THE SCENES LUKE @ HAO I DO MY 4CASTS, THE PROCESS ET CETERA. THATS HAO I DO MY 4CASTS BUT THARES NO DATA BEHIND IT SO I ALSO CHACK WAT UR GOVERNMENT IS SAYING & THE DATA THAT THARE COLLECTING, ALONG W/ A FEW LOCAL CORPOR8 SOURCES AS WELL 2 MAIK SURE IM NOT OFF BASE. ALSO I NO THAT PPL LAIK DATA & THAY SHULDNT JUST TRUST MY MOAR SUPERNATURAL APPROACH SO I HAV A WEATHER STATION IN THE BACK YARD OF THE WEATHER LAIR 2 PROVIDE SUM OF THAT BUT I HAD 2 BUY A CHEAP 1 SO IT SORT OF SUX & BRAKES EVEREE TIME IT RAINS LOL. THAT TRANSMITS DATA THRU UR AIR 2 MY WEATHER RECEIVING STATION, WHICH HUKES IN2 THE WEATHER SERVER IN MY BEDRUME WHICH THEN TRAVELS DOWN A SERIES OF TUBES 2 MY BAISMENT 2 THE WEB SERVER. EVEREE TIME U GO 2 MY WEBPAIGE UR SECRETLY TAIKING A DIGITAL VOYAGE THRU THE TUBES & NSA DATA COLLECION CENTERS & FINALLY IN2 THE WEATHER LAIR BASEMENT
Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself there, do you think of yourself as an internet weather forecaster?
I THUT THATS WAT I WAS. I MEEN IM GIVIN 4CASTS ON THE INTERNET SO I THINK YES I AM A INTERNET 4CASTER THAT IS A GUTE DESCRIPTION I MITE ADD IT 2 MY BUSINESS CARD.
Can you explain your logo to me?
OH YA WAIL 1ST OF ALL U GOT A HURRICANE / CYLONBLOB SYMBOL. ITS A DANGER SYMBOL MEANING IT CAN EVOKE FEAR & WONDER @ THE SAME TIME, U LUKE AT IT & UR LIKE “OH NO THAT IS A SERIOUS BADDIE THAT WILL FUK ME UP”. AS WE SLIDE MOAR & MOAR IN2 UR INEVITABLE ENVIRONMENTAL APOCALYPSE U WILL HAV 2 DEAL W/ MOAR & MOAR ALARMING WEATHER BS. THE PYRAMID & EYE, IM NOT EVEN FRUM UR DIMENSION IM NOT GUNNA FALL FOR NE DUMB CONSPIRACY THEORIES BOUT THE ILLUMINATI OR WATEVS LOL BUT THATS THE SYMBOL ON THE BAK OF UR MOST BASIC $$$ & BASICAL REPRESENTS THE FREAKISH CAPITALIST ENTITIES WHICH R DESTROYING UR PLANET. SERIOUS U PPL HAV 2 WAKE UP & SMELL THE CO2 PPL R DYING STORMS R GETTIN WORSE DROUGHT IS GETTIN WORSE & UR GUNNA GET STRONG & STRONGER STORMBLOB BADDIES FUKIN U UP ALL THE TIME KILLING U MAIKING UR LIFE HARDER 2 DEAL W/ & HARDER 2 MAINTAIN. ITS ALREDDY FUELING CONFLICT & MOAR STARV8ION & UR NOT EVEN SLOWING DOWN THE MONSTER OF CAPITALISM UR STILL ACCELLERATIN 4WD IN2 THE ETHER OF NON-EXISTANCE. DAY 2 DAY THIS ISNT WAT MY 4CASTS R BUT I AM HEER REDDY TO 4CAST THESE STORMS 2 LET PPL NO WATS GOING ON & THAT WEATHER IS HAPPENING SO THAT MAYBE PPL CAN KEEP BETTER TRAK OF THE WEATHER IN A PERSONAL MANNER & IN A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP W/ THEIR WEATHER LORDS SO @ SUM POINT PPL WILL NO WEN ITS TIME 2 SAY THAT ITS TIME 2 FUKIN DO SUMTHIN JESUS.
What’s your favorite weather?
WAIL IN MY HOAM REALM U CAN TRAVEL 2 THA FIERY DANCE & WATCH PLUMES OF ROCK FLYIN OUT OF OUR LARGEST VOLCANO & START 2 SWIRL, PUMMELLING LAKES OF LAVA W/ BRIMSTONE ITS AN INCREDIBLE SITE. THE CLOSEST HEER’S EQUIVALENT IS PROB A MICRO BURST. MY CORPOREAL HOST WAS 1NCE OUT IN THA DESERT & SAW WAT LUKED 2 HIM AS A SCI-FI SHOCKWAVE AS IF A STAR EXPLODED HEDED RITE FOR HIM, BUT OF COURSE IT WAS A WALL OF DUST. IT BLEW THE ROOF RITE OFF A SHACK & PUMMLED EVER1 THARE W/ HAIL THA SIZE OF UR GOLFBALLS OR UR BASEBALLS IT WAS AMAZING.
DESPITE THE DESTRUCTIVE CAPASITY OF STORMS, I LAIK A STORM THAT RLY PUTS THE FEAR OF THE WEATHER LORDS IN ME, BUT PPL ND 2 NO THAT THAY SHULD MAIK SMART CHOICES IN THE WEATHER, CUZ IT WILL FUK U UP.
What’s up with your typing style?
ITS 2015 ON UR INTERTUBES ILL TYPE HAO I WANT WE DONT HAV 2 LIV BY THARE RULES NEMOAR.
If you’re in New York, WEATHER IS HAPPENING will be at the Internet Yami-Ichi (it’s an internet flea market) on September 12. This interview has been edited lightly for length, but not for grammar or spelling.