Serial sexual object David Beckham just gave a wonderful, intimate interview with the Independent‘s Barry Egan. Seated across from one another under the watchful and loving eye of a Beckham public relations agent, the pair covered a range of topics, including Beckham’s new fragrance, style, style regrets, Kanye shoes, and preferred soccer-playing Keane. (SPOILER: He doesn’t answer the question.)
But woven in between Goldenballs’ answers was some information that probably escaped the highly-paid public relations goons directing the encounter. While discussing smells and nostalgia, Beckham effectively presented a guide to seducing David Beckham. Whether that was on purpose or a high-level marketing tactic, who knows. But the notes he struck didn’t escape my trained ears. I’m observant.
So thanks to me, here’s a guide to seducing David Beckham. He’s a married man, so please use this responsibly.
1. Them smell goods
Egan asks Beckham what he thinks is the best scent on a woman. Goldenballs responds:
“I don’t think there is anything sexier than when a woman has just got out of the shower and has that fresh kind of smell. Without going into too much detail, I just think that can be something that is very special on a woman.”
Nothing sexier, ladies and gentleman. Nothing. There’s no real need for additional detail.
So let’s set up the scenario.
In order to maximize your odds of theoretically bagging Lord Beckham, you need to make it from the shower to Beckham while maintaining that fresh-out-the-shower odor. Preserving that scent is vital, yet geographic and temporal limitations mean you won’t have an unlimited operational radius. You’ll have to pull off this stunt at a gym, hotel or bath house, or by breaking into the Beckham compound, unless you’ve somehow figured out how to replicate the fresh-out-the-shower scent without showering.
And that’s the hack you’ll probably need: Make your own shower scent solution. Maybe that involves filling a bottle with bath water and rose petals. Maybe it’s a toothpaste and salt water solution. I don’t know. There’s probably some flexibility here, but whatever fresh smell you create, carry it in a spray bottle everywhere. You never know when you’ll need to execute this plan.
2. Lay on some of that smooth Michael McDonald.
If you’re unfamiliar with the soothing sounds of R&B savant Michael McDonald, you probably never had a chance. Not just at Beckham, but at life.
I bet you feel smoother after watching that. In fact, I know you do.
Here’s the nugget Beckham dropped:
“My dad used to listen to Michael McDonald when I was, like, eight or nine, and every time I hear one of the songs, it takes me back to happy memories of when I was a child.”
Quite simply — and this applies to all humans — tap into someone’s childhood good-feels safe space and you’re basically already married. You might as well start working on who gets what during the divorce. (NOTE: Take the Michael McDonald records; you’ll need them for your next relationship.)
So here’s what you do: Take it back to 1985 and carry around an oversized boombox. Everywhere you go. Without fail. Obviously, since you’re trying to bag Lord Beckham, most of the places you go will be near Beckham. When you have him in your crosshairs, press play and spray yourself down with that fresh shower scent. You’ll be having conversations about hyphenating your name in no time.
Sorry, I had to drop in one more Michael McDonald song.
3. No chubby jokes
Yes, he’s David Beckham, but David Beckham has feelings, too.
Egan shares an anecdote from a Beckham interview in January with Jimmy Kimmel regarding his young daughter’s unabating cruelty:
“My little girl turned around to me the other day – I had just bathed her and I was toweling her down, and she said, ‘Daddy, I love you so much. But I don’t like you, you’re so chubby’. I mean, I didn’t think I was!”
This one’s easy. Don’t tell Goldenballs he’s chubby unless you’re related to him. If you’re related to him and trying to seduce him, you need to see a professional.
Otherwise, say things like “Oh-ma-gaaad, do you, like, work out or something, like?”
4. Be materialistic
Look, David Beckham likes nice things. Here’s a short list of specific, nice things (by nice, I mean expensive) he mentions to Egan:
Gucci leather outfits
Brooklyn (his son’s name, but still)
Kanye shoes
Saint Laurent leather trousers
David isn’t just noticing how you smell; he’s also noticing what you’re wearing, even though he’s probably wise enough to stay silent on the issue. Know this. You’ll have to dress well. Actually, that probably isn’t true. I’ll refine the statement: If you want to stick around, you should probably know a thing or two about high-end shopping and matching outfits. You should also not be afraid of leather pants, because all of the Beckhams seem to adore leather pants.
Materialism wrapped in humility — that, in a nutshell, is what you’ll need to present.
Now you’re all set with everything you need to make David Beckham fall head-over-heels in love with you. Please invite me to your wedding. I mean your fake wedding, since he’s already married.