thelureoffantasies:
thelureoffantasies:
thelureoffantasies:
thelureoffantasies:
So… These are my boobs. Over the years I’ve been on Tumblr I, like most other women, have received what I will generously call ‘requests’ to see them. I don’t share them (or any part of myself) easily, and don’t generally post photos of myself on here. But life has happened, and I decided it’s time to flash my girls to the world. Or at least to those who follow me. Not because I’ve suddenly decided to embrace my inner exhibitionist, but for another reason. An important one that supersedes my modesty and preference for privacy.
I posted yesterday about facing something big and terrifying, and being scared, but I didn’t elaborate. I was in a rather ugly headspace, and was feeling incredibly fatalistic. And while I absolutely do believe that everything happens for a reason, yesterday was not one of my better days.
See, I got a call from the imaging center where I had my mammogram performed last week. And the incredibly polite woman on the other end of the line told me that the doctor had seen something in my images that they didn’t like. She very calmly told me they had found masses in both breasts, and that they wanted me back for further testing – a more in depth type of mammogram, for ultrasound, and for biopsies. She explained that they had slots for these type of follow ups, urgent appointments, and gave me the next available one.
She told me all of this, explained all of this calmly and politely – and I couldn’t breathe. I scribbled down the appointment info with a hand shaking so badly I can barely read my writing. That’s okay; this is one appointment I won’t forget about.
The last 24 hours have really sucked. I mean, really really. I totally lost my ish immediately after hanging up with her. Like, seriously had just enough time to turn to the trashcan before I threw up. Apparently my tear ducts are linked to my lungs, because once I started breathing again the tears started falling. I wasn’t making a sound, wasn’t sobbing, I was just crying and shaking. I left work, because I was completely useless, and went home where I could snot sob in private. I walked the gamut of my office with my red, swollen eyes, blotchy face, and utterly destroyed makeup, answering or dodging questions along the way. I had another meltdown once I finally made it to my truck.
But by the time I drove the whole 3.5 mile / 10 minute commute home, I’d started thinking again. I remembered that there are people who love me, people who need me. There is one who is utterly dependent on me and me alone. So that fatalistic BS? I can’t do that. First, I don’t know there is anything wrong, and it’s stupid to start planning my exit strategy when I intend to be around, singing into spoons and dancing down grocery store aisles, for at least another 30 years. Preferably more. Second, I won’t scare my loved ones needlessly. And until I’m told different, I am fine.
However, it would be a lie to say I’m not scared. I am. Even having looked up the stats on false positives and fibrosis and cysts and benign vs. malignant tumors - thank you, interwebz - I’m still scared. And I will be for at least the next ten days or so. Until the results are back, that terrifying ‘What if?’ is hanging over my head. I’m trying not to let it rule my every thought, but I’m not doing so good at that yet. Well, it’s only day one; I haven’t had nearly enough time to think of every dire possibility. (Sarcasm is my life’s blood, yo!)
And I’m kicking myself in the bum for waiting so long to go in. That ‘What if?’ is frakking brutal. What if there really is something wrong? And what if it was there last year? What if it was there the year before? What if I had pushed for an earlier appointment than my annual when I noticed the lumps a few months ago? What if I was too stupid and scared for too long?
I have a serious hate on for ‘What if?’ Because IF the worst were to happen, it would be my own fault. Because I waited, I didn’t go in, I was scared. And none of those are legitimate excuses for what my friends and family would go through if the results are less than optimal.
So… Yesterday I asked for good vibes. Today I’m explaining why. I strongly believe in the power of positive thinking – just as much as I believe in karma, kismet, the butterfly effect, and faith. I will take positive doses of any and all of the above anyone has to offer. And I solemnly swear if good juju is needed by anyone, I’ll return it tenfold.
Also and for serious… Have you checked your breasts lately, ladies? If not, please do so. Now. Right now. I’ll wait.
To any willing, please pass along this message. The crazy scared I’m feeling should have some purpose, and I’m good with it being a cautionary tale if it makes someone else think twice about waiting.
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~
Too important not to share…
Breast cancer runs in my family. I know this and understand that it puts me at greater risk. Yet I’ve put off getting a mammogram. When I say I’ve ‘put it off,’ I mean I should have gone in for my first one 13 years ago. I accept all shaming for my stupidity without argument. I can only say that, having fought and beaten cervical cancer twice before I was 30, the very idea of another kind of cancer terrified me. It’s no excuse, it’s simply the fecked up logic I used to justify not going in for testing.
But my 13 year run of cowardice ended today. I went in for my mammogram an hour ago. And while I obviously don’t have the results yet, the technician said she saw nothing in the images. And I was a good girl and held very still, so the radiologist will have crisp and clear images to review.
I know breast cancer is real; my aunt lost both of her breasts to it. We’re fortunate she didn’t lose her life, as she waited and waited to receive any treatment. And I have always actively supported breast cancer awareness. But today I stepped up, pulled my head out of the sand, slipped on my big girl panties, and went in for the test that will help ensure my health.
Because it matters.
Because I matter to those who love me, and they need me to take the steps to ensure I’m healthy.
So, while I know it’s not October… Ladies? Have you checked your breasts lately? (It’s kind of nice to ask that question without feeling like a hypocritical chicken.) If not, please do so. For you and for those who love you. Save the ta-tas!
Spread the word, Tumblrees…
~ TLoF
(photo source)
~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~
FIRST PHOTO / POST ABOVE
~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~
I’m thoroughly wiped out from today. So much so that I lost it all over the unsuspecting (yet rude) guy who cussed me out in line at CVS. (FYI, snot sobbing shuts down some types of jerks.)
I’m really happy with the signal boost this post has received, even if it’s not viral by social media standards. But at least 30 people have read it and taken a moment to think about themselves or someone they care about. Maybe they scheduled their appointment, or checked with their wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter, best friend… well, you get the idea… to be sure they were taking care of themselves.
That thought means even more today. Now I’m going to take Mr. Teddy, Bob the minion, and Vader to bed and force them to snuggle with me all night. (Use… force… *waits* See what I did there?)
Good night, Tumblrees. And thank you all for the messages and good vibes. They are appreciated.
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 4
~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse me while I have a moment…
You could have asked me anytime before noon on Tuesday, and I would have told you that I hate my breasts. I’m female, so the list of reasons is longer than Santa’s naughty list, and not a darn one of them has to make sense to anyone other than me.
I’m still not in love with my breasts. But I am in love with the idea of not having something harmful growing inside them. They’re mine, and they’ve mostly behaved, so I want to keep them. And I want to keep me. I like me - flaws, goofiness, temper, loyalty, emotional messiness, happy dances, unconditional love of those that I consider mine, insecurities, shoe addiction, and all - and that love of self was a hard won battle.
I’ve received several messages from people who have seen my original post, and that is good. It’s what I was hoping for. Most messages were supportive and offered that good juju I asked for. Some were supportive while rapping my knuckles - which is completely deserved. (The very few others don’t count because everyone has an a-hole, some just choose to let theirs be their personality.)
I’m likely to blog more than usual over the next few days, as I’m all about distractions right now. I’ll try not to flood my posts with emo rants, because no one likes a whiner. Heck, I’m not overly fond of the emotional monster I am currently. But this is my blog and I need an outlet. I was reminded by someone I think I might really like to call a friend that support can be found on here, and I should not deny myself that in the next couple of weeks. Since I know I couldn’t think straight with a ruler right now, I’m going to take her advice and dump my fears out here. Hopefully you will all bear with me.
Hopefully I’m scared shaky, unable to choke down more than a bite or two at a time, and barely sleeping for nothing. Hopefully I’ll be back to my normal nerd girl infused brand of smut posting very soon.
Hopefully you will all pass my complete stupidity in waiting to go in for testing along as a cautionary tale; that’s the reason I made the post. So someone else can read about my fear and decide that feeling just isn’t for them, and exercise more sense than I have to date.
To each of you who has loved, reblogged, or commented on my post, or who has taken the time to send me a message, or who have sent good thoughts, vibes, juju, energy, prayers, and anything else my way… Thank you. Sincerely.
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 5 ~~~~~~~~~
I posted this picture Wednesday because I’m scared. Actually, I’m terrified. I felt like my “I’ll get to it eventually” mindset was one shared by many; I’m in no way unique. But now I am waiting to find out if that school of thought may have consequences much more severe than being terrified for a couple of weeks. However, I’m an obnoxiously positive person by nature, (obnoxious being the key word there) and I’m struggling to find a way to deal for the next couple of weeks. So I decided looking at this as an opportunity was a better way to go. After all, on the badass scale, spreading the word about early and routine testing HAS to beat out hiding in my blanket fort. Right? *nods* That’s what I thought.
Thank you to every one who has liked and / or reblogged this picture. I logged in this morning to over 50 new notes on this post, which is 50+ opportunities the message has hit others feeds. I can’t even begin to express my appreciation for that. I immediately started crying when I saw the number. Good tears. Grateful tears. Total strangers are sending good vibes my way, while taking the opportunity to remind their friends and loved ones to take care of themselves. Really, does a message get any better?
I can’t possibly thank each one of you individually, despite the manners that were instilled in me insisting that is what I’m supposed to do. But if I could hug each and every one of you (or fist bump those who don’t do the hugging thing) through this screen, I would. Since I can’t, this will have to do. *virtual hugs and fist bumps*
Thank you all for your positive thoughts, supportive notes, and help spreading this message through reblogs. Truly, thank you.
xox
~TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 6 ~~~~~~~~~
zuzusumisita
TLoF,
1. It’s OK to be scared. I’d be worried if you weren’t. In fact, it’s ok to be really frakking scared, bordering on terrified, until you get retested. It’s normal and natural and completely understandable. Just ask for a helluva lot more hugs from those around you than you normally do.
2. It’s not your fault, if anything comes back positive. It’s just not. We all do what we can, and you don’t know that getting tested earlier or performing self-tests more often would change anything. You’ll feel guilty, again, totally natural, but you’ll need to let that go as soon as possible.
3). Look up some stats on women who SURVIVE breast cancer. There are SO MANY. My mother did, my step mother did. If I am ever diagnosed, I will fight like holy hell to survive it.
4). This won’t matter much right now, but I have had 3 mammograms come back as inconclusive or indicative of masses and have had additional imaging every time. And always it’s negative. So here’s a live person who’s lived what you’re going through, not a stat. I’m telling you, it will be OK whatever happens.
A huge hug for you! ~zuzu
itsmykink
I need to show my own mother this. She keeps putting off her mammogram despite our prodding…despite the (albeit small) family history….despite being a damn nurse herself. But how do I show my mother something I found while running a porn blog? Still….personal shit aside….very good read that all the ladies following me should read!
thelureoffantasies
@itsmykink:
This is the post I’ve been hoping to see. This is the biggest reason I put my personal fears and emotions and..and…and SELF out there. Thank you. It took a few moments for me to be able to post after reading this because I had to cry some happy tears.
I suggest telling your mom that a friend sent you the link. Cuz we’re officially friends *performs secret handshake* and I’ll totally link you. Or maybe cropped screenshots; you can tell her you found it on iNotFunny.
Thank you, so much and for reals, for this.
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 7 ~~~~~~~~~
I woke up this morning to over 100 new notes on this post. There were several responses and comments with reblogs. There were new messages in my inbox from those offering positive thoughts and support, and some sharing their stories.
But there was one person who said they were going to show their mom this post. Because she has been putting off her mammogram, just like me. So they’re going to figure out a way to share this with her, because they love her. Because she matters to them, and they want her around.
Yeah. That is so amazing that I can’t even…
See, here’s the thing. I didn’t set out to be stupid (which I fully and completely own), I just was. But that’s kind of the point. Things get put off because, life. We get busy, and we’ll get to it later, and we’re in the middle of XYandZ right now and just can’t afford the time. And then maybe things can’t be put off anymore. Maybe they jump up and bite us in the bum. So that in between? That’s where we wanna be.
Thank you to every single person who has liked, replied to this post, or messaged me. Each message is appreciated, and every good vibe held on to tightly. And a super special thank you to each person who has helped spread the message of early and regular testing by reblogging it.
xox
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 8 ~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday was such a good day… I got about six hours straight of sleep. I was able to snack a couple of times throughout the day. I read, watched some TV, played on Tumblr, chatted with peeps on Tumblr, did some chores… Got mad warm fuzzies from some of the messages I received and comments on my post. And I didn’t have to take anything for anxiety the entire day! I fell asleep a bit after 11, a little later than I’d like for the 5:15 alarm, but still not too bad. I was thinking I’d finally wrapped my head around what is going on and gotten myself under control.
Until I woke up at 2:10 a.m. in a full scale panic attack. I’m talking tears running, hyperventilating, soaked in sweat, but so cold my teeth were chattering. It took almost three hours to bring myself out of it. Just in time to start my day, and I’ve been a hot mess ever since. My hands won’t stop shaking, my stomach won’t unknot, and my breath keeps catching randomly. Hot. Mess. I guess the real scared needed a break to regain momentum.
I go in for the additional tests tomorrow morning. After which I will retire to my blanket fort for the remainder of the day. I plan to OD on Scooby Doo (the real one, not the new, fake one. *sniffs disdainfully*), while cuddling with ALL the stuffies.
I really hope today is the last ‘bad’ day until I get the results back. Because today is totally kicking my bum. I am well and truly exhausted, and not at all thrilled with the level of down that I’m feeling. It’s just not my thing. So it needs to go, NAO.
I have been receiving messages today, and I have been reading them. I promise you they are not being ignored, and they are appreciated. Today especially, the good vibes are so welcome. I just need to get my head in a better place before I try to respond.
I don’t know how much I’ll be on today and tomorrow, but any posting I do will likely be things to make me happy. That usually means puppies, beaches, and nerdy stuff. So… please consider this your content advisory.
xox
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 9 ~~~~~~~~~
TLoF’s FYI…
Some have messaged asking when I go in for more testing or if I have results yet. I go in tomorrow morning for the additional mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsies. I am not sure how long the results will take, but hopefully they’ll be as quick as my first were.
If I am given ANY info tomorrow, I’ll be sure to post an update.
Thank you all for the positive thoughts and well wishes.
xox
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 10 ~~~~~~~~~
Follow-up testing day is finally here. I seriously never thought it would get here; that was the longest week in the history of ever. I’ve been up and freaking since around 4am. My appointment isn’t until 9:30. My stomach is in knots so tight I think I’m going to be sick, and my hands are shaking so bad I look like I’m going through DTs. I’m going with the no makeup look today because it works best with the random bouts of tears. I’m Xanaxed up like whoa, and I’ll be singing the Pitch Perfect soundtracks at the top of my lungs for the next couple hours. Then tests. Finally.
Thank you all for the support you’ve given me this past week, and for helping to spread the message about testing.
xox
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 11 ~~~~~~~~~
I just wanted to post a short update. After further mammogram and ultrasound, the mass in my right breast was determined to be a cyst, which is fantastic news. The one in my left was still questionable, so they performed a biopsy on that side. I’ll be sure to post again once I have the results. For now I’m going back to my blanket fort and Scooby Doo marathon, with an ice pack to numb the owie from the biopsy. I’m well and truly wiped, drained, and exhausted, all of which have made me far too emo for public consumption.
xox
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 12 ~~~~~~~~~
The aftermath of the biopsy on my left breast. For any curious, two things I’m not a fan of: needles and adhesives. The red marks from the tape are all actually raw spots where it took my skin off. So… Double owie.
Today’s wardrobe will consist of whatever can be worn into the office over a sports bra. A underwire isn’t getting anywhere near me.
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 13 ~~~~~~~~~
Today was a better day than I expected. I actually managed to sleep last night, was able to concentrate today at work, and only became emotional once. I was mostly productive today. Other than the physical discomfort, it seems that I was in a much better place mentally. Who saw that coming?!? #TeamNotMe
I think that finally getting in and having the testing done flipped some switch in my head. I’ve done all I can and it’s out of my hands for now. Instead of the cold, stark terror of the past week, today I felt something more like acceptance. It is what it is, and all I can do is wait and see. If it’s good news, freaking fantastic. I will party like it’s 1999. If it’s not so good news, I’ll deal with it.
But I’ve spent the last 8 days barely eating or sleeping. I’ve dropped 15 pounds in just over a week, which is not a good thing. Should the results come back less than optimal, I’ll need to be in fighting form. That means I need to take better care of myself NOW. I managed a ‘meal’ (half a ham and cheese sandwich) and a ‘snack’ (half a cup of yogurt and granola) today. Trust me when I say that’s a major improvement. It’s 11:02 and I’m already in bed, and will hopefully be falling asleep roughly 42 seconds after I post this update.
But before I shut down for the night I wanted to let you all know where I was at today, physically and emotionally. Because so many of you have offered support, prayers, good vibes, positive juju, and possibly some ritual sacrifices of ugly shoes and outdated electronics, to help me through this. Because your support, prayers, good vibes, positive juju, and possible ritual sacrifices of ugly shoes and outdated electronics HAVE helped me immensely. For which I am and will be eternally grateful.
Nite nite, Tumblrees. May your dreams be as awesome as all of you.
xox
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~ Part 14 ~~~~~~~~~
So, I got my test results…
“Benign. Not cancer.” Those are such frakking beautiful words, and resulted in shaking and tears of relief. And the first deep breath taken in over two weeks.
Thank you more than I can possibly express to every single person who read this, reblogged this, commented on this, and offered support, good juju, and love. My personal hell has a good outcome and is at an end. I can honestly say that if I had to be scared spitless, I am glad that I shared it with people who would both support me and help spread the message of the importance of early, regular and routine testing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Now, if you’ll excuse me… I’ll just be over here happy dancing.
Infinite Xs and Os, Tumblrees…
~ TLoF
~~~~~~~~~
This post is ridiculously long now that I’ve put all the parts together. *shrugs* I’m a mouthy wench, for reals.
I don’t know if anyone will take the time to read the entire thing, and in the end that doesn’t really matter. What I hope happens is that someone somewhere reads the first post or two, that my fear (read: stark, raving terror) comes through, and they make the call and schedule their own tests. Or they badger their mother, sister, daughter, aunt, best friend… whoever it is that they love, to have their mammogram done. Or they pester their father, brother, son, uncle, or best friend to have a physical and routine tests performed. What I hope is that the normality of my ‘I’ll get to it’ mindset resonates with you… (*narrows eyes at you* Yes, you… You know who you are.) …and that you realize you’ve been saying the same thing for far too long. That you decide I was more than stupid enough for the both of us. And that you call and make that appointment, that you go and have that test.
Because along with your family, friends, and all who love you, I’d like you to be around in the days to come. If you’re not, my jackassery goes unappreciated. And I just can’t have that. ;)
xox
~ TLoF
Today is the last day that I will spam your dash with this post in my attempt to raise awareness. *waits until shower of confetti falls* What started as a desire to turn something scary and negative which was happening to me into something positive, and possibly help raise awareness of breast cancer during the month dedicated to same, morphed into something bigger than I could have imagined. It grew to encompass awareness for each of us personally, awareness for the necessity of routine and regular testing, awareness that we owe it not only to our loved ones to do what is necessary to take care of our health, but also and most importantly, to ourselves. After all, we’re the only us we have. ;)
The support I received truly blew me away. Some of my new followers came on board because of these posts, and are some of the most awesome peeps I’ve had the opportunity to talk and trade snark with. All of you who helped me through those weeks by sending positive thoughts, loving and reblogging this post, commenting on it, or sending me messages are truly amazeballs. They’re aren’t words to thank you for the strength you gave me when I most needed it. Please know it was sincerely appreciated.
I’m going to ask for one more favor, though. Since today is the last day I’m reblogging this, I’d like the message and this month to go out big. So I’m asking any of my followers who are willing to reblog this one more time. In the hope that the normalcy, the real person living a real life-ness of my “I’ll get to it” mindset - the mindset which started this whole nightmare - will resonate with someone else who’s been planning to get to it when life gives them a chance. In the hope that it gets through to them before life doesn’t have a chance left to give them.
To all of you who have been part of this ride with me… thank you, truly and sincerely, from the bottom of my completely dorky, awkward, no good at accepting kindness heart. You completely rock my adorkable socks.
xox times infinity…
~ TLoF (a/k/a She Who is Mouthy)
I held off on reblogging this all month because I honestly didn’t want to relive the emotions of last year. But the last day of breast cancer awareness month is almost over, and the message within this stupid long post is as relevant now as it was a year ago. So… Excuse my long winded ways while I reshare my story. And continue to be grateful for my incredible good fortune.
Ladies and gents, with much love I ask that you please check yourself regularly. Take care of yourselves.
~ TLoF