The 7-Year Itch
One of the new relationship myths is the belief that there’s a tipping point after seven years of tying the knot that the heat of romance between couples may start to cool off. Is this just fiction or fact, given that marriages these days seem to be losing their sacredness as one or both of the two ex-lovebirds are quick to walk out of the union once a problem rears its heads; instead of sticking through it as they vowed at the alter. And for the exceptional couples, how do they keep the fizz going while others steam off?
In spite of the marriage oaths that newlyweds rehash at the alter, some people still believe that when hardship comes through the front door, love walks out through the back door. So where has all the pre-wedding counselling about love, tolerance, patience, forgiveness and understanding to get through inevitable stresses and strains all gone?
It seems gone are the days when married couples still hold their wedding day wows for what they are: WOWS! The new trend is that couples begin to grow bored with each other after a few years, concludes marriage counselor, Dr. Robert Lefever and researcher, Dr. Helen Fisher, a professor of Anthropology at Rutgers University.
The ‘7-year itch’ theory suggests that after about seven years of marriage, the initial romance often die and partners become fed up with their daily routine because they no longer bother going out together or make romantic gestures. Or it could be that their sex life has become uninteresting or they could not remember the last time their partner complimented them or they even need to be reminded why they married their partner in the first place.
Until recent history, this theory had been faintly acknowledged or accepted. But it was first really sown into our consciousness in a 1955 America film titled, The 7-Year Itch. The movie reveals how some men go out to have extra marital affairs about seven year after their wedding day.
A survey by Netmums, a parenting site, suggests that couples are now four times as likely to split up after three years than after seven. The survey found that having children put the greatest strain on relationships.
According to Dr. Helen Fisher, “the 7-year theory has lowered to anywhere from a month to two years, but the seven year period is an original time when one or both of the couple begin to emotionally check out of the marriage or seek divorce entirely.” It explains why the average marriage now only lasts for seven years!
There have even been extreme cases where the ‘itch’ to leave a marriage lasted for just a few days or even hours after the wedding! Celebrities like Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander (55 hours), Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds (2 weeks), Sinead O’ Connor and Barry Herridge (18 days) are examples of the few-days itches in marriage.
Back home in Nigeria, there have also been a few examples of the ‘7-year itch’ theory in the celebrity circle; as the couples allegedly got fed up soon after a lavish and publicized wedding; as was the case of famous Lagos pastor, Chris Okotie and Stephanie (4 years); Chikezie (son of Pascal Dozie, chairman of Diamond Bank) and Uche (4 months); and music artist Soul E and Queen Ure (2 years).
Robert Lefever, in his book, From The Seven Year Itch To The Three Year Ditch: Why Couples Are Breaking Up Earlier Than Ever (April, 2012), blames the high and quick rate of divorce and separations on “little red flags that were ignored at the onset of the marriage because both partners were too ‘busy’ to act on them.”
Robert Lefever and Helen Fisher offer married couples a few tips to prevent the itch from needing a scratch:
1. Break free of relationship patterns that don’t work.
2. Carve out time for each other, no matter how busy you seem to be.
3. Maintain a life of your own throughout your relationship with your partner. This way, you retain a sense of individuality, have more to share with your partner, and avoid any yearly itch by staying connected to your own ever-changing wants, needs and desires.
4. Rebuild intimacy as needed the minute you sense that it is faltering. You owe it to yourself and your partner to repair it.
5. Keep the lines of communication open because it is always a basis pill for every marriage.
6. Express your needs to your partner. Not only can that rebuild any shaky marriage bridges, asking your partner about their wants and needs also goes a long way in reconnecting any emotional gap that’s been standing between you.
7. Choose happiness over your need to be right.