We routinely get the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog at our house, because apparently someone mistook us for people looking to waste money. I was thumbing through it the other day, and I realized there’s really only two categories of shoppers for Hammacher Schlemmer: recent lottery winners, and people reading the Hammacher Schlemmer section of “Skymall” while drunk on a plane.
Don’t believe me? Let’s look at some examples:
The Freestyle Slalom Skateboard
“This is the slalom skateboard propelled by side-to-side skiing-like movement that provides exhilarating rides. Riders simply push off the ground, place their feet on either side of the back wheel, and lean side-to-side to propel the scooter forward. To stop, riders hold on to the integrated handle and place a foot on the ground, similar to stopping a skateboard. The slalom skateboard has a lightweight ABS polymer frame aerodynamically shaped to reduce drag.”
“The 20″ diameter pneumatic back tire has steel spokes and high-grade bicycle tire treads for traversing streets and sidewalks while the PU skateboard-style front wheel swivels for optimal control while turning or racing forward in a serpentine motion. It’s lightweight 17-lb. design and integrated handle make it easy to transport. Supports riders up to 165 lbs. For ages 8 and up. 32 1/4″ L x 23 1/4″ W x 11″ D. (16 3/4 lbs.)”
Drunk on a plane or recent lotto winner?: Recent lotto winner, for sure. This is what you buy to ride around the halls of your enormous new mansion, because you haven’t bought furniture yet, and how sweet is this, you can totally ride this down the stairca-AAAAAAH.
The Thomas Kinkade Faux Fur Snowman
“This is the festive holiday snowman who wears a faux fur-trimmed overcoat decorated with artwork inspired by Painter of Light Thomas Kinkade. Hand-sculpted and hand-painted, the shimmering snowman proudly models his full-length overcoat—held fast by coal-shaped buttons—with 15 sculpted scenes that depict townsfolk reveling in the traditions of the season, from skating on a pond, to riding in a horse-drawn sleigh, to making a snowman. The snowman’s jauntily tipped black top hat is even accented with Kinkade-inspired artwork. With the flip of a switch, the snowman’s garments—as well as the wreath-festooned lamppost at his side—illuminate the scene in an enchanting glow. Hand numbered with a certificate of authenticity. Requires 3 AA batteries. 11 1/4″ H x 8″ W x 7 3/8″ D. (2 1/2 lbs.)”
Drunk on a plane or recent lotto winner?: Drunk on a plane. You’re heading away for your tropical vacation, far away from your family’s holiday getaway…you can finally avoid getting cornered by your drunk uncle and discussing politics! Oh no, you never bought Great Aunt Mildred a gift! Skymall, help!
The Lady’s Genuine Turkish Linen Pajamas
“Imported from Denizli, Turkey, the source of the world’s finest linen for hundreds of years, these 100% linen pajamas are luxuriously soft, light, and comfortable. Available exclusively from Hammacher Schlemmer, the pajamas are woven from the finest Turkish flax, renowned for it’s cooling breathability and supple hand that provides optimal comfort while you sleep or when lounging around the house. Machine washing the durable linen fibers only makes them softer and enhances their drape. The long-sleeved top has a button front, camp collar, and a chest pocket, and the pajama bottoms have an elastic waist for a comfortable fit. Natural. Women’s. S, M, L..”
Drunk on a plane or recent lotto winner?: Like you had to ask! And by the way, if you have to ask how much these cost, you can’t afford them, you plebian non-lotto winner. This comes in a men’s version as well, so you can both binge on Netflix in your new movie theater room, but in STYLE. Target PJs have nothing on these bad boys!
The Tabletop Fireplace
“This is the liquid fuel fireplace that rests on any stable surface and provides the color, crackle, and comfort of a wood-burning fire without smoke, smells, or sparks. Using recycled liquid ethanol fuel that gives off only water vapor and carbon dioxide, the clean-burning, portable fireplace yields a bright yellow, orange, and red 7″-high flame that flickers without fumes. Generating up to 8,500 BTUs per hour (depending upon damper setting), it heats a 325′ sq. area, making it ideal for intimate gatherings around an empty fireplace, coffee table, or stand.”
“The fireplace’s stainless steel burner unit sits between two panes of tempered glass and is raised off a surface by 2″ while it’s heat is generated upwards and laterally without marring fine wood finishes. One liter of liquid ethanol fuel (not included) provides up to 2 1/2 hours of cozy reposing. 11″ H x 14″ W x 5 1/2″ D. (8 1/2 lbs.)”
Drunk on a plane or recent lotto winner?: Possibly tempting if your flight attendants were generous with the Bloody Marys but not with the blankets, but more likely what the lotto winners sit in front of while wearing their Turkish Hammacher Schlemmer exclusive pajamas.
The Rechargeable Personal Air Purifier
“This is the rechargeable wearable air purifier that eliminates airborne germs from one’s personal space. The palm-sized device weighs less than 2 oz. and hangs comfortably around the neck with the adjustable lanyard, purifying the air within a 3′ sphere around your head. It emits over two million negative ions every second—9X more than any personal air purifier—that attach to viruses, bacteria, and mold and move them to positively charged surfaces like a floor and away from breathing passages.”
“The purifier also combats tobacco smoke, pollen, and dust particles. The unit is silent and does not rely on costly filters that have to be replaced. The rechargeable battery lasts up to 150 hours after a three-hour charge via the included USB cable. Includes a travel case. 3 1/4″ H x 1 1/2″ W x 2/3″ D. (1 3/4 oz.)”
Drunk on a plane or recent lotto winner?: The only time anyone would be tempted by this would be while on a plane. If you had this, you wouldn’t have to worry about getting EbolaFluSars from the gentleman coughing next to you, or the lady sneezing directly on top of your head.
The 15′ Inflatable Rudolph
“Standing nearly two stories tall, this is the inflatable Rudolph that welcomes holiday revelers. Exclusively from Hammacher Schlemmer, the inflatable’s underbelly is 9 1/3′ above ground at it’s highest point, inviting carolers and visitors to walk beneath. Rudolph stands 15′ tall and bears a familiar, friendly expression with his LED-illuminated bulbous red nose, large eyes, smiling mouth, and twin young antlers. Rudolph’s head is cocked slightly, implying his natural curiosity, while his pert tail and ears suggest an alertness and eagerness to entertain.”
“An integrated air pump inflates the display in four minutes (providing constant inflation) while lights in the neck, body, and tail evoke merriment. Made of durable tear-resistant polyester that withstands years of setup and storage, Rudolph remains in place with included stakes and 19 2/3′-long tethers. Folds to 18 1/4″ x 15″ for convenient storage. 15′ H x 6 3/4′ W x 13 1/3′ L. (13 lbs.)”
Drunk on a plane or recent lotto winner?: Neither. What’s wrong with you? Why would you think anyone would want to own a TWO STORY RUDOLPH? Unless, of course, you’re a sociopath who wants to scare the crap out of your neighbors when they look outside and find Rudolph peeking into their bathroom window.
And that, folks, is what you miss when you don’t get the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog like we do. You know you’re jealous!