Words of Wisdom
Use them as
Needed . . .
1. I can please only one person per
day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially
love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How
would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your
brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on this
and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal
problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll
tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the
pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a
parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't
be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude
problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking
up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the
ceiling???"
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always
keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress - I'm
a carrier . . .
15. You're slower than a herd of
turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!
16. Don't meddle in the affairs of
dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's
weirdo...
18. Never argue with an idiot. They
drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served at Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest
communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low
pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because
you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what
they think, not what
management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in
the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because
if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because
people would rather come to
work.
11. It makes fellow employees look
better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food
taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand
out raises when they are
wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot
more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a
meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since
there's no longer a need to relax
at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with
their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is
better after they've had a
couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for
employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing
your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations
with the former Soviet
Union.
22. The janitor's closet will
finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee
to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will
no longer be seen as
"gross,"
25. Babbling and mumbling
incoherently will be common language.
Wisdom From The Seat of a
Tractor
AN OLD NEBRASKA
FARMER'S WORDS OF WISDOM:
“YOUR
FENCES NEED TO BE
HORSE-HIGH, PIG-TIGHT AND BULL-STRONG.”
“KEEP SKUNKS AND BANKERS AT A DISTANCE.”
“LIFE IS SIMPLER WHEN YOU PLOW AROUND THE STUMP.”
“A BUMBLE BEE IS CONSIDERABLY FASTER THAN A JOHN DEERE TRACTOR.”
**“WORDS THAT SOAK INTO YOUR EARS ARE WHISPERED NOT YELLED.”
“MEANNESS DON'T JUST HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.”
“FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; IT MESSES UP THEIR HEADS.”
“DO NOT CORNER SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW IS MEANER THAN YOU.”
“IT DON'T TAKE A VERY BIG PERSON TO CARRY A GRUDGE.”
**“YOU CANNOT UNSAY A CRUEL WORD.”
“EVERY PATH HAS A FEW PUDDLES.”
“WHEN YOU WALLOW WITH PIGS, EXPECT TO GET DIRTY.”
“THE BEST SERMONS ARE LIVED, NOT PREACHED.”
“MOST OF THE STUFF PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT, AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.”
“DON'T JUDGE FOLKS BY THEIR RELATIVES.
**“REMEMBER THAT SILENCE IS SOMETIMES THE BEST ANSWER.”
“LIVE A GOOD AND HONORABLE LIFE, THEN WHEN YOU GET OLDER AND THINK BACK,
YOU'LL ENJOY IT A SECOND TIME.
“DON'T INTERFERE WITH SOMETHIN' THAT AIN'T BOTHERING YOU NONE.”
“TIMIN' HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE OUTCOME OF A RAIN DANCE.”
“IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE, THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.”
“SOMETIMES YOU GET, AND SOMETIMES YOU GET GOT.
**“THE BIGGEST TROUBLEMAKER YOU'LL PROBABLY EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH,
WATCHES YOU FROM THE MIRROR EVERY MORNIN'.”
“ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.”
“GOOD JUDGMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOTTA THAT COMES FROM BAD
JUDGMENT.”
“LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER THAN PUTTIN' IT BACK
IN.”
“IF
YOU GET TO
THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDERIN' SOMEBODY ELSE'S
DOG AROUND.”
**“LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, AND LEAVE THE
REST TO GOD.”
“DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH AN OLD MAN. IF HE IS TOO OLD TO FIGHT, HE'LL JUST
KILL YOU.”
http://funnysideoftheworld.blogspot.com/2011/11/normal-0-21-microsoftinternetexplorer4.html
