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A Man's View of a Relationship
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it, because it'll never be quite the same.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of the month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!!!!!!!!!
Men & Women
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place? "
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name. "
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9.) Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
10.) Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
11.Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
12.) After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
13.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
14.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
15.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
16.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?"
The Males Wee Superiority
All right, even if you accept that women are better than men at making decisions, running families, looking good, showing emotions, driving, managing employees, coping with stress, sex, shopping, arguing, being prime minister, map reading, shouting and identifying little things which are wrong about the house... even if you accept all this, you can't deny the fact that women are hopeless at urinating. Urinating is where men come into their own. It is one of the intrinsic male talents, up there with unscrewing the lids of pickle jars, putting bumblebees out of the window and hand-to-hand fighting.
If you had to write a testimonial to manhood, however short the list of virtues, it would have to include "good urinator". For a start, men have the best equipment. Aim is not a problem for the conscientious male lavatory user. His ergonomic "hose" type arrangement gives better directional control, longer range, faster in-and-out operation and finger-tip control of a variety of effects, from jet to mist.
In most other areas women's bodies are often of a more practical and versatile design than men's, able to adapt impressively to the exacting demands of babies, lovers and fashion designers. Women have an in-built stock of extra subcutaneous fat to keep them warm, a cleavage in which to conceal their Derringer and to cap it all, hair. But in the female urinary department all is confusion and fog. It is as though God lost interest in women at this point and concentrated all his attention on the men instead, working late at the celestial assembly line, supervising trolley-loads of prototype penises, giving the young men pep talks about good deeds and grass fires and sending them behind the garages to practice.
Envy us though they will, women will never catch up, however hard they practice. They are simply not physiologically cut out for the job. From any discreet distance it's difficult to see what's going on at all, and anyone who has watched the process at close quarters (and most men have at some point in their lives paid good money to do just that) agree that it is a most unsatisfactory affair, more like watching a lemon being squeezed. Flow control is all gang awry. If you had a tap that did that, you'd sack the plumber.
The moment of truth when a girl becomes aware of this inherent shortcoming can be heart-breaking. I watched my three year-old daughter follow a trio of little boys to a hedge at a picnic. She positioned herself at the end of their line, copying everything they did: she faced the fence, legs slightly apart, eyes rigidly ahead, and with her little fist gripped an air willy just below her belly. Then she weed down the side of her leg into her shoe. It was a hard lesson. As I wiped away her tears I had to explain that life had a different role for her--a sort of squatting one. And that one day she would receive breasts as compensation.
This lack of directional control, which is a critical factor in the male point-and-go technique, makes women very dependent on seat-type lavatories. Women who are caught short outdoors are obliged to adopt that undignified squat, feet splayed at obtuse angles, a position reminiscent of an elephant trying to sit on a very small, invisible chair. The vexed question of tights doesn't bear thinking about. On a windy motorway verge it makes a maladroit and forlorn spectacle. This posture makes women vulnerable to brambles, spiders, weekend photographers and practical jokers poking brooms out of the bushes with cushions tied to the ends, trying to push them over. They are sitting targets. Yet because of their vulnerability women have evolved the extraordinary ability to stop mid-wee and then carry on at a later date.
This is the only defense mechanism available to them when surprised by Sunday school parties or wolves. They are very cautious too about where they do it, especially outdoors. They spend a long time casing potential al fresco sites before committing themselves, relying on instinct to tell them when it is "right". Nothing, not even a bladder heavier than a Jilly Cooper novel can persuade them to relieve themselves if they (for instance) take against the color of a bush. Husbands, who down the ages have been forced to adopt the role of valet/lookout on these occasions, standing knee-deep in undergrowth improvising elaborate screens with coats and straining to hold aloft hemlines, handbags, gloves, half-nibbled sandwiches and glasses of Pimms while shooing hedgehogs away with their foot, have not always construed the statement "I'm stopping now: I don't like it here," as the sixth-sense early warning system it surely is. Had the husbands bothered to look, they would often enough have found a man crouched in a nearby bush trying to conceal a broom with a pillow tied to the end.
As it was they would uncharitably dismiss their wives' behavior as a feminine wile designed to make them feel imminent for the rest of the afternoon. Men don't beat about the bush. Thirty seconds and we're back in the car. It makes a blithe contrast and women, who like to pretend indifference, are secretly fascinated by the whole process, in particular the ritual of the gents' urinal--the architecture of the point-and-go system. It is a world barred to women, and so redolent of masculine mystique that any allusion to it in female company will usually command instant, if veiled attention. For this reason the urinal is a useful conversational tactic for moments with women of recent acquaintance, when conversation dries up. Women will often ask quite blatant questions after a few sherries. "How can you do it standing next to someone? Do you look at each other's genitals? What do you say to each other?" These are questions to which even men do not always have easy answers. What do we say to each other? It is a problem which recurs endlessly in every man's life, especially if the person standing next to him at the urinal is (as so often happens) his boss, a Chief Constable or a violent crack dealer. Does he look at their genitals? Not likely! It is strictly against the gents' etiquette and nobody succumbs, however strong the urge. He doesn't even look at his neighbor's face. He looks ahead only, eyes glassily fixed on the wall at a point unequivocally upwards. Few people realize that this is the origin of military bearing, for if it is incumbent on a man not to look at his neighbor's penis in a civilian toilet, then it is especially important in a military one. Where virility is so highly prized, foolish is the soldier who tries to take a peep at his sergeant-major's little man. And he has to beware unconsidered remarks, however urgent the desire to drown out the sound of ambient dripping. The man who blurts out: "That's a tiny penis you've got there Sergeant-Major!" is likely to forfeit his own, for you can be sure that any sergeant-major worth his salt will be carrying a larger weapon somewhere about his person. Urinal conversation is never profound--there's no time for that.
Those who try ambitious conversational gambits about the Big Bang or balsamic vinegar will find themselves alone at the trough. They should follow the rules, talking hollowly and with artificial bonhomie to the wall about last night's football match (taking care never to mention Arsenal) The gentlemen's urinal is a great leveler. In here, size doesn't matter, because though everything is theoretically on display, no merit is attached to having a large penis, as nobody ever sees it. In here men of all races and ages, from all walks of life, stand shoulder to shoulder at the porcelain face. In other circumstances they might not deign to talk to each other, but here they are simply men, equal in the sight of God, standing in line, talking about football, even though they may enjoy huge differences of wealth, privilege, power, intellect and of course, penis size. Men get little credit for their achievements in this area, yet they pay a high price for their own efficiency, waiting long hours outside ladies' lavatories with arms full of shopping, children, dogs and coats. And never a word of thanks. Most toilets are designed for women. Men tolerate them, yet they prefer to stand. Men don't crow, yet they have much to crow about. Nobody would try to claim that Margaret Thatcher (to take just one example), didn't have achievements, but the fact remains, if she were caught short on a dark landing after a late House of Commons sitting, would she be able to pee in the yucca pot? Unlikely. Yet this is something even the most inept male politician can do with his eyes shut, and many have. At one of those big Men Ape People Too rallies in the American wilderness, where males gather in primitive conditions to confront sophisticated modern inferiority anxieties; where accountants, stevedores and bakers bond in moonlight, invoke ghost fathers, hug bears and ritually torment trees; one man, suddenly inspired, stood up at the communal campfire and made a speech. "If women are so clever," he said, "why can't they pee straight?" There was a hush, a first stirring of awakening consciousness. "Say it loud and say it proud," he said, "men are better urinators!" It was a stunning: a truth that was startlingly obvious, yet inhibited by old fashioned notions of chivalry. But now that it had been spoken, there was a clap, a cheer, a mighty roar, sense of liberation. Men sprang to their feet and lifted the speaker shoulder high. "Ask not why we leave the seat up!" he shouted. "Ask rather why women leave the seat down!" Then in a unanimous gesture of solidarity, every man peed on the fire. Because they could.
Men Seeking Women Classified
"MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds CODE WORD (MEANING)
40-ish (52 and looking for 25-yr-old)
Affectionate (Needy and looking for mother-figure)
Artist (Delicate ego badly in need of massage)
Athletic (Sits on the couch and watches ESPN)
Average looking (Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back)
Distinguished-looking (Fat, grey, and bald)
Educated (Will always treat you like an idiot)
Employed (On management track at Radio Shack)
Financially Secure (I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life)
Free Spirit (Sleeps with your sister)
Friendship first (As long as friendship involves nudity)
Fun (Good with a remote and a six pack)
Good looking (Arrogant bastard)
Honest (Pathological Liar)
Huggable (Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben)
ISO Slim, attractive female (Would be better off with a labrador retriever)
Light drinker (Headed for AA)
Like to cuddle (Insecure, overly dependent)
Like romantic walks on the beach (I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear)
Mature (Until you get to know him)
Open-minded (Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested)
Physically fit (I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself)
Poet (Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated)
Professional (Owns a white button down)
Reliable (Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours)
Self-employed (Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend)
Sensitive (Needy)
Smart (Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV")
Spiritual (Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter)
Stable (Occasional stalker, but never arrested)
Thoughtful (Says "Please" when demanding a beer)
Virile (Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out)
100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You never have to read the instruction manual.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Planning an Out
Some things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:
I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her
I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case
Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)
Men - Politically Correct
He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.
How to Drive Women Crazy
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear."
(Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
You Women Have it so Easy
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.
1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, were only going to sleep in them again tonight. forget that
Scratch one.
2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ?
Scratch two.
3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
Scratch three.
This is easy, whats the fuss. Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.
4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh thats a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
Scratch four.
5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
Scratch five.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
Scratch six.
This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for AOL.
7). Vacuum the carpets...... Thats a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
Scratch seven.
8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!!
9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.
Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs !!!
10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on AOL.
Scratch ten.
11). Fold laundry..... dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna has to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a casmir barbie sweater, cool.
Scratch eleven.
12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me.
Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work ???
13). Water the Christmas tree... Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.
14). Grocery shopping, Buy toliet paper....... These old news paper will do, besides thats recycling & thats good for the earth....
Scratch fourteen.
15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; were talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back.
Scratch fifteen.
Wonder who's on AOL, Awww I have plenty of time.
16). Make dinner..... Easy, Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow.
Scratch sixteen.
17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.
Guide to the Male Vocabulary
1. "Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass."
2. "I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor."
3. "I need you" "My hand is oh so tired."
4. "I am different from all the other guys" "I am not circumcised."
5. "I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation."
6. "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
7. "I really want to get to know you better." "So I can tell my friends about it."
8. "It's just orange juice, try it." "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
9. "She's kinda cute." "I want to shag her till my dick drops off."
10. "I don't know if I like her" "She won't let me shag her "
11. "I miss you so much" "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."
12. "Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood."
13. "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" "Is my penis really that small?"
14. "I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"
15. "Do you love me?" "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
16. "Do you 'really' love me?" "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
17. "How much do you love me?" "I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you about it now."
18. "I have something to tell you." "Get tested."
19. "I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
20. "I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
21. "I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly."
22. "I've learned a lot from you." "Next!!!!"
Things Women Will Simply Never Understand
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre quality air". I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.
7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.
8. Our sense of humor.
When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his nose.
9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.
10. The male menopause.
Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it - women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.
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