Continued from here. Finally, I shall get more than one episode seen because it's a weekend! I'm sooooooo behind.
Season six:
The Biggest Douche in the Universe
My Future Self 'n' Me
Red Sleigh Down
Season seven:
Cancelled
Krazy Kripples
The Biggest Douche in the Universe:
SO MANY POTENTIALS FOR THAT TITLE on this show.
Cartman's in the hospital. His problem? He's running out of time. No, this doesn't make sense.
Cartman's "friends" don't know whether or not they should care if he dies. That's an understatement.
"Cartman's your friend whether you like him or not."
Chef suggests seeing John Edward to help with this Kenny possession problem.
Airplane movie: Rob Schneider is The Stapler.
Let's start out with the most generic names. Mike? Mary?
Shockingly, a death made people sad.
Wow, how did he get Kyle?
Kyle has to look for four white doves.
You used to do things that involved stuff?
Yes, they do edit it for television, Chef.
Stan and Kyle are sent home, everyone else flies to Scotland for some reason?
Kyle sees a poster with four white birds on a poster for "Jewleeard" and decides not to come home.
Stan goes to John Edward's mansion. He has an opening played for him when he walks out.
Stan asks him to tell Kyle it was all a lie. J-E won't.
"What if I really believe dead people talk to me?" "Then you're a stupid douche."
Oh hey, Stan is nine now.
"I'm nominating you for biggest douche in the world, you douche!"
Stan checks out J-E's library of books on cold reading and picking up chicks and 69-ing yourself.
New Rob Schneider movie: he turns into a carrot. 24-carrot comedy and he gets chased by a bunny.
No, Kenny, it's not funny!
Where did Kyle get that fake beard?
Random people start arguing in favor of J-E. Stan decides to demonstrate cold reading.
Everyone thinks Stan is actually talking to the dead now. So that went well.
Cool castle, bro. Why do Chef's parents live in a castle in Scotland?
Is Chef's dad still telling that terrible story?
Cartman's mom's first name is Lianne. Or Lee Ann. Oh, who knows.
Nice outfit, Chef's mom.
Stan just got his own TV show. What? He still can't prove he's making it up.
Anyway, Chef's parents are doing some kind of weird exorcism on Cartman.
"The spirit is coming out now." Ding! "That's the potatoes."
There's supposed to be a victim child? That we sacrifice so we put Kenny into him? Oops, we didn't bring one.
Cartman farts out Kenny's spirit. "Don't let it get on the curtains.
Rob Schneider, derply derp, they've lost all English for his movies.
Jewleeard School:
J-E has his studio wired and pays people to be ringers n the audience.
J-E is mad at Stan. Stan says he's slowing down the progress of all mankind. J-E wants a showdown.
Kenny flies into the living room light. Chef's mom offers him 3.50. Again.
"Don't let it get in the roast!" It just did. "I guess the child's a pot roast now." They wrap it up to take it home. Cartman is fine.
Stan says it's all magic tricks. Slow clapping occurs. Kyle takes off his beard.
J-E says he is special, dammit.
Suddenly a spaceship breaks into the studio and aliens arrive and nominate J-E as the best douche in the universe. They take him away.
Nobody believes Stan still.
What happened to the pot roast?
Rob Schneider comes across the pot roast. He puts on the hoodie and becomes Kenny.
Meanwhile, at the Biggest Douche in the Universe award ceremony.... stiff competition! Literally ,there's a Giant Douche. J-E wins!
Wow, Trey and Matt are even more riled at J-E than they are at Streisand. That takes some doing.
My Future Self 'n' Me:
Some kids find some marijuana in the woods. They're afraid to touch it for fear they'll shoot each other or something. Or so commercials tell them, anyway.
Jimmy took E with his girlfriend and they had sex in her vagina.
"It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you." "Then you throw it away, smartass."
"There, see, I touched marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't shoot anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal."
Lightning storm is on. Stan is watching The Osbournes. "It's going to make you retarded." "It's just a show. It doesn't have any (bleep) effect on me, for (bleep)'s sake."
A crazy man is terrorizing the town. He's naked and from the future. And ringing your doorbell. It's Stan! He's got long hair and Stan's hat.
He talks like a stoner.
Old Stan does heroin in alleys and went on a trip and now he's here. "Dude, I should have never touched that marijuana!"
My Future Self 'n'' Me: the TV Show!
Old Stan is 32. Whoa. He spent his teen years wasted. Cartman is delighted. Stan lost touch with them after going to juvie in 2006.
Butters is tutoring Stan. He has a future self around too. What? "All he ever wants to do is watch Becker, and that show is so stupid." It's been going on for four months!
Future Butters is a drunk with a bad kidney.
Stan thinks it's a hell of a coincidence...he checks Old Stan's wallet and finds some clues. "Are we off on an adventure?"
MotivationCorp. Stan swipes the card he found in Old Stan's wallet. They see the computers. Parents are hiring actors to pretend to be fake versions of their older selves so they don't have to talk to their kids about drugs. "Nice to meet you, Mom and Dad." Follow these scripts.
Butters doesn't get it. I notice a theme in these episodes here. "It is lying, Butters." Butters wants Professor Chaos. Stan has no idea who that is.
It's time Butters let Stan in on a horrible secret....
Butters emerges in the outfit. "Now you know my terrible secret!" "That you're gay? It's ok, Butters, I don't care."
"Maybe I used a little too much silver." Stan doesn't get it.
Stan and Butters want to run away. There's a Parental Revenge Center! Sounds fun!
"Look, you can make your weiner bigger in three weeks." Butters also looks into weiner massage. Sounds like a pretty good deal.
At the Parental Revenge Center...it looks kinda low-rent. Cartman is running it. "Goddamnit, I knew this was too good to be true." He's been running a legitimate business for 3 months and done 3 kids, one of them was a freebie for Kyle. A FREEBIE?!
"Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences."
He charges $18,000. How about five bucks?
MotivationCorp loves lying. It's okay to tell them that one pill of E will kill you or marijuana will turn you into a terrorist as long as it works.
Cartman's plan involves smearing poop on the walls. There's....poop swatches.
"I think the classic brown would go nicely with your house." Butters is down with this.
Stan's plan... yeah, also involves poop smearing. This is not unique and customized revenge!
Cartman offers the Tenorman plan. That's too extreme. Stan leaves.
Stan starts asking Future Stan about the thing...you know, the thing.... and Future Stan leaves to have diarrhea.
Stan says it's a hoax and a lie. His parents keep on lying.
Here comes the poop smearing. Cartman hired workers who only speak Spanish? Cartman knows any Spanish?
Future Stan has a hard time getting commercial jobs.
Stan threatens to cut off his hand and see if other Stan loses one too. Hah, I loved that movie! (Frequency.)
STAN DOES IT. HOLY SHIT! FUTURE STAN LOSES HIS HAND FOR REAL!
Stan faked it. OMFG, RANDY CUT OFF A GUY'S HAND FOR REAL.
How do we get poop off the walls? That's a different company...
"300 gallons of poop isn't going to smell like a garden."
Stan realizes that their parents will never change and they should run away.
Meanwhile, Butters' parents get a clue, tell the truth to their son, and apologize. "Get the fuck out of here," Stan says.
The Marsh's keep on lying. Stan outs them. All the lying is confusing Stan.
Weed won't kill you or fund terrorism. Mostly it just makes you lazy. "I really, really wish you'd just told me that from the beginning."
Crap is smeared all over MotivationCorp's walls. Mrs. Marsh gives Cartman cookies.
Oh look, it's future Cartman and he's normally sized. Yeah, right. Oh, HE RUNS MOTIVATION CORP. "Go have sex with yourself asshole, I'm not that stupid!" "I do what I want!"
Future Cartman morphs into a fat slob. Goddammit!
I enjoyed this episode.
Red Sleigh Down:
I've been looking forward to this one, I read spoilers :)
Oh no, Cousin Kyle is back and he's calculating whether or not Cartman will get presents. Cartman has been nice three times and is gonna owe Santa over 300 presents.
"I'm just your naughty and nice accountant, don't blame me for the numbers."
"If you cure cancer and AIDS next week, you'd still owe two presents."
Nice Christmas sweater, Cartman. Also, nice Scrooge imitation (at the end of the movie/book)
The mayor talks about the poor children of Iraq. They don't have Christmas there. I think there's some kind of shitty song about that? Except it's Africa?
Guess who gets to light the Christmas tree: Jimmy. Where's Timmy to be pissed about this?
Jimmy is not so good of a singer when he doesn't finish the song lyrics.
"Oh, this will be the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen!"
It's Mr. Hankey. "I hate this stupid Christmas poo."
Oh gross, a poo-choo express. Next stop, North Pole! "I don't really want to get on that." "Me either."
There is a poo-choo song. Of course. I want this on an album for my horrible Christmas music collection.
The audience has fallen asleep by the time Jimmy finishes the second lyric of the 12 Days of Christmas.
At the North Pole, they're at Santa's Fortress of Solitude. The Underpants Gnomes have winter jobs.
Howdy-ho, Santa!
"Some kids try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end." Cartman is all, that's so lame.
Jimmy is still singing.
Santa gets shot down over Iraq!!!!!!!! RED SLEIGH DOWN!!!!!! The reindeer are all dead and Santa's legs are broken.
Oh no, I think they got or killed Santa.
The underpants gnomes are too short to do anything. Cartman's ruined Christmas forever and he won't get that toy.
Jesus can save anybody! (Then why didn't they call him about Kenny?) Let's take the backup sleigh!
Steven, Fluffy, Horace, Chantal, Skippy, Rainbow, Patches, and Montel: the new Christmas reindeer.
Jimmy's audience has passed out.
Santa has been captured by the Iraqis. They are all being very naughty.
"This is what you think brings happy?" Materialism!
"Oh, no, not Santa's balls!"
Jesus is blessing people in Mexico or something. The kids crash on through the church. Howdy ho! Everyone runs.
Jesus got a gun.
Jesus is packing and totally kills Iraqis.
"This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys." Damn right!
Jimmy is on to verse eleven. You have long since stopped caring.
Santa is being fed motor oil when....Jesus comes in and shoots! And heals Santa's legs (if nothing else, hmm). Santa does some shooting of his own.
"I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!"
OH NO,THEY SHOT JESUS!!!!!
"The Iraqis killed Jesus. You bastards!"
Santa goes on a shooting rampage.
They escape. Cartman sings happily. Oh, shut up Cartman!
By god, Santa's gonna bring Christmas to Iraq! And he sets off some kind of Christmas missile that blows up and brings decorations.
Finally, South Park can light the tree. The lights don't work. Christmas is ruined again.
Santa blows in and fixes the lights.
We'll always remember Jesus at Christmas.
Santa's left the boys a present under the tree... those dolls Cartman wanted. Cartman throws a fit because the other two got a doll as well.
"Oh, hi Kenny." KENNY!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU, YOU LITTLE FOUL-MOUTHED IMMORTAL BASTARD!
"Dude, where have you been?" *mumblemumblemumble*
Things are finally back to normal.
On to season seven!
Cancelled:
New bits in the credits. Kenny is back! I still don't know what he said! No Butters and Tweek in the main four.
"Go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead."
"Don't kick the goddamned baby," Ike says. Good for you, Ike.
Hey, this looks suspiciously like a rerun. With new special effects. Also, Cartman got another anal probe....
"What the funk and wagnalls are you talking about?" Cartman doesn't remember that episode because his memory was erased.
It's Groundhog Day, or a rerun, or a new-run (TM For Better Or For Worse), or George Lucas remade it....
At the proctologist's office. Yup, there's that anal probe.
Chef takes everyone to some alien space center.
Cartman will only let Kyle put his finger up his ass. "Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake." Farting ensues, a lot.
Screw the fate of the world! This is so Lucy and the football.
The aliens break in. Cartman sics them on the scientist and they run away. The aliens can drive and shoot at them.
End of the road! Now it turns into a Dukes of Hazzard episode. No, seriously, it's doing that.
The kids get abducted while Chef is cussing the aliens out.
The kids wake up in some kind of pods. "It's not Helen Hunt's ass, it's an alien spaceship." "Thank god."
"This is the second time we've been in outer space." Cartman: "This is my fifth time."
It's....Fake Randy Marsh! CONTACT! "Don't do that, that's gay. That's like that stupid movie Contact."
No, we'd rather you look like something else. The alien tries out different people. I am not gonna recap 'em all.
"How about a taco that craps ice cream?" "I like it."
Cartman's anal probe has been malfunctioning. (It's one out of 50,000.) The aliens are an intergalactic TV programming company that focuses on reality TV.
The best show ever is....Earth. Their version of Survivor. Where ALL species live. Every other planet only has ONE species.
"Our planet is just a reality TV show?" You just like watching us kill each other? That's messed up.
"You're turning people's problems into entertainment." "We'd never do that on Earth."
That scientist tunes into the Earth TV Show.
Species from 17 different planets all live on one!
"I'm afraid all of Earth is nothing but an intergalactic reality show."
"We're famous! Woo hoo! I'm on TV!"
So that went well.
This show is GREAT.
After explaining the whole thing to the kids, the taco wants to wipe their memories? What?
Oh no, Earth is getting canceled! Now that we're aware of the show, it won't be funny any more. Let's call in the demolition crew.
Chaos theory!!!!!!!!! Shoutout!
The scientist figured out that we've been canceled.
The Jewsians control all media in the universe. OH MY, THIS IS WORSE THAN STAR WARS EPISODE 1.
"You made it to 100 episodes, you should be proud." "A show should never go past 100 episodes, or else it gets stale." Gee, I wonder what the number of this one is. (I looked it up: it was intended to be episode 100...)
Alien strip club! Kenny, don't snort the alien cocaine.
Oh, the scientist's Jeff Goldblum and he wants to send a computer virus. "That doesn't make any goddamned sense."
Alien threesome with a hooker and cocaine!
"Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong." Kenny whips out a camera.
Flashback to Randy and Gerald's gay episode!
Just erase everyone's memories so we don't remember there's a show! There's WWIII to look forward to! And also, Kenny's blackmail photo!
Memories are wiped, everyone's home, Kenny still has the photo.
"Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders." Save that picture, Kenny.
Krazy Kripples:
Oh goody, I love kr8tiv spelling with unnecessary K's.
Jimmy's doing another show. His standup acts have really gone downhill.
What a great audience = Butters. Where is everybody? Christopher Reeve's in town. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
"I'm a dork, huh?" --Butters
Oh no, Reeve does the same kind of act as Jimmy.
"This is starting to look like something we shouldn't have any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something."
It's always fun trying to have a conversation with Timmy.
Jimmy starts a "Born This Way Cripples Club." Cartman takes the bait. Lovely jokes there, Jimmy.
Uh-oh, the club name Jimmy came up with is "The Crips." The T-shirt salesman advises them that this isn't a good idea, but..."I am staying out of this one."
Jimmy wants to look for other club members. RUH-ROH.
Oh, nice, he pulls out a dead fetus and....consumes it on television.With slurpy sounds. HOLY SHIT.
"Excuse me, sir, we're looking for a group of people called the Crips."
"We would love to join your Denver chapter." "Are you for real, man?"
Jimmy has no idea what popping bloods is.
BWAHAHAHAHA TIMMY IN A GANGSTA OUTFIT.
It's an amazing coincidence that all of the cripples here are African Americans.
Yes, excellent idea to tell the cops you're gonna pop some bloods. They drive off.
Jimmy thinks it means "get snacks." OH NOOOOOOO.
They accidentally cause an oil truck to drive into all of the Bloods.
They just smoked 13 Bloods in one night! And they got us marshmallows and gingerbread!
The kids are not so good at gang signs, but I guess the Crips don't care.
"This may look like an ordinary fetus, but to people like me, it's hope." If I hadn't already done the quote at the top, this might win.
"Stay clear, guys, stay clear." "Yeah, I'm not saying anything."
City Wok guy doesn't want any trouble in my place. He hands over all of his money.
"We must be the one hundredth customer or something."
City Wok guy calls the cops to say he's been robbed.
Jimmy is still super bitter about Reeve getting more people than he did.
"You were sent through the vengeful hand of God to teach your mother and I responsibility." HOOOOO BOY.
NOM NOM BABIES!
Gene Hackman arrives. And asks Reeve to stop eating the babies.
Christopher has now changed his name to Chris. Mmmkay?
Here come the Bloods. Jimmy moves quite fast as they shoot up his house.
Jimmy assumes the cop who was a former Crip used stem cells too. I guess that explains something. Like their total ignorance of how their "crippled from birth" friends dance.
How can we get the Crips and Bloods to stop fighting? Let's lock them in the rec center all night so they can play in the pool!
OH, JIMMY.
Superman is off lifting a truck over his head.
Now he's throwing cars around and jumping like a monkey. So that's going well.
Oh no, Jimmy is locking everyone in for the night while wearing Groucho faces. AND THEY GET GET THEMSELVES LOCKED IN TOO.
It's a trap!
All the guns and knives come out. "There's pizza...."
Chris has now built a legion of doom and gone full supervillain. Look, there's Saddam and Professor Chaos and General Disarray! Their goal is to get rid of Hack Man.
Uh....what about domination of the world?
"We just passed a ban on stem cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over."
Timmy's wearing a red shirt. I just noticed that.
I can't believe saying "come on" just won them all over. HOLY SHIT. THAT TOTALLY JUST WORKED.
"I was player hating Christopher Butthole Reeve because he was getting more attention than me."
Oh goody, Timmy just got high.
Aw, now there's a band! And hand holding! And friendly thugs!
Reeve is.... in outer space?
"Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one." "Me too."
Okay, that was fucked up awesome.