What God is teaching me through this journey is “Hope” and “Peace”
I will start out and say this has been one of the hardest post to actually write, but I know God wants me to be completely transparent and so I will be obedient.
About a month ago Jamie and I knew God was telling us we needed to make some changes in our life including the blog. We began spending more time in prayer asking God to reveal his vision for us. When we started I told Jamie, Satan is not going to be happy and will start attacking us in every avenue. Well, that has proven to be true and we thought we were ready for the battle.
Last Monday started out to be a stressful day, no school AGAIN, I needed to get my 365 Days of Kindness video completed, the City of Toledo’s Mayor had a cardiac arrest, our driveway had close to a foot of snow and Jamie had pulled his back out, and I found myself completely overwhelmed. As the day progressed we got things done and then sat down for dinner like usual. After dinner, I found myself becoming increasingly agitated. My heart started racing, I had a lump in my throat, I was having a hard time swallowing. I have had panic attacks in the past and I told Jamie I was having one. I tried to talk myself out of it and tell myself it was a panic attack, but my mind took over and it became full blown. I was convinced I was dying. I was convinced Jamie was going to have to call 911. Jamie and the kids watched me in complete and utter panic mode. I paced, I tried to lie down, but I could not calm myself down. Finally after 2 ½ hours I was able to fall asleep, but quickly awokened again, anxious. Anxious that it was going to happen again. I got about 2 hours of sleep that night and tried my best to look somewhat put together for the kids on Tuesday before they headed out to school. My stomach was sick. I made a doctor’s appointment and went in to see my doctor. I had not eaten the entire day as my anxiety level was so elevated. My doctor prescribed me a med for the anxiety, ordered blood work, and said to monitor my BP. I am also in the beginning of menopause so my cycles are not regular and my hormones are completely messed up, so just a number of things. This anxiety was completely debilitating; nothing I had ever experienced before. I have worked in the medical field my entire life and seen others have panic attacks, but I was convinced it wasn’t just a panic attack. This continued the entire week with the pacing and anxiety, and many trips to Speedway for a Gatorade. I was trying not to take the antianxiety medication so suffering BIG time. As it became dark each night the anxiety got worse as I knew everyone else was sleeping and I would be wide awake and alone again without Jamie or the kids, BUT that is where Proclaim FM came in. I had the radio on every night and listened to Charles Stanley and Tony Evans and one night in particular they kept saying “Be Still and Know that I am God”. I knew that was God speaking to my spirit and telling me to listen to him. So many things were starting to come to light, i.e. my work schedule, forgiveness, outreach, etc. When you are debilitated all you can do is listen.
By Saturday morning my anxiety was the worst EVER and I told Jamie we needed to go to the church to see our pastor. Upon arrival he was teaching a class (that we did not want to disturb) so we went in the sanctuary and I cried and cried and prayed and prayed. I told God “Please just reveal to me what you what me to see in this storm. Please help me to listen”. Our pastor came in and talked to us and prayed over us. When he began the prayer he was silent (he always prays silently to see what God would have him pray) and he said God is showing me “Be Still and Know that I am God” It again brought me to tears because that is exactly what God had been speaking to me. When we left I knew one thing was sure, God wanted me to show some forgiveness. Often as I put up the daily devotion about forgiveness my mother-in-law and one of my good friends who I was holding a grudge against would enter my mind briefly, but I would shake it off. God finally shouted and said “You hypocrite, you tell everyone else to forgive, but you, yourself have an unforgiving heart”. I remember laying there and bawling because it was true.
Saturday afternoon I called my friend and was crying and asked her to forgive me for holding a grudge against her. I think she felt just as relieved as I did. She had been a part of my life for over 30 years. The instant relief I had for forgiving and being forgiven was amazing. BUT God said, you still have a mother-in-law that you need to forgive. Saturday night again was a restless night, tossing, turning, pacing, and God still speaking through Proclaim FMs Ministry via the radio.
Sunday morning I woke up and knew I could not sit through a church service, but we have a prayer room and decided I wanted to go sit in there while Jamie and the kids were in church. I had on my sweatpants and my blanket and headed to church. When I arrived, one of our good friends of over 15+ years was sitting in the room and looked at me and I just started sobbing. I told him everything I was feeling and he prayed over me. The God thing in all this is he was not even supposed to be in there that Sunday, but had received a call to see if he could fill in. God already knew I needed him to be there for me and to pray with me. A few others came in and placed their hands on me and prayed for me and they all said the same thing, this is a spiritual battle. You are changing lives for Christ and Satan does not want that. Put on the full armor Ephesians 6:13-18 – Belt of truth, shield of faith, body armor of righteousness, shoes of peace, helmet of salvation, and sword of spirit (word of God) and get ready for the attack to rebuke Satan. When we arrived home, Jamie, myself, and the kids walked through every SINGLE room in our house and rebuked Satan. We said “We take authority over the demonic stronghold of anxiety and fear and command this stronghold and all associated demons to leave us NOW based on the finished work of Christ on the Cross and our authority as a believer. Then each of the kids would pull out a scripture and read it. We would proceed to the next room. I was finally ready for the battle of taking back my life, my health, and live the way God intended me to live ~ fearless. That afternoon Jadyn and I laid on the great room floor and highlighted scripture. We spoke life back into me. But by dinnertime, the anxiety of trying to eat again was beyond what I could handle and I succumbed to another full blown panic attack and unable to eat once again. Shortly after that my mother-in-law called to see how I was and talked to Jamie and I knew then that God was again saying “you hypocrite”. You need to forgive EVERYONE to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a hard thing when we have been hurt, but I kept hearing the pain you are feeling is far less than what Jesus felt on the Cross for all of our sins. I took the medicine and fell asleep but woke up shortly thereafter with no relief. Paced, tossed, turned, and walked the entire house all night long. I knew when morning came, that I needed to call my mother-in-law and ask for forgiveness for holding a grudge for all those years. We cried, she forgave me, I forgave her, and now we will start a new chapter in our life and I am excited to see what God has planned. You see when God tells us to be obedient we MUST. We cannot say in our timing we will forgive. God says to forgive at ALL times. Obedience is one of the hardest things in our Christian Walk.
With all this going on I had a friend talk to me about using essential oils and finally that Friday had ordered some. It was supposed to take 2-3 business days, but they arrived at 3 p.m. on Monday. God knew I needed them ASAP. We started diffusing the peace & calming oil and Jamie and the dogs slept great LOL and I slept so/so, but better than in the previous nights. Now this is one week of not being able to get fully cleaned up and/or leaving the house. I was finding myself being anxious to go anywhere, but Monday night I went over to my friends’ house at midnight just to sit and talk until 2:20 a.m. Still felt anxious, but it was good to be out of the house and talking to someone. Each night still listening to Proclaim FM and knowing God was continuing to speak to me.
Wednesday morning may have been my worst night. I was anxious because the Kroger Mega Event starting and needing to get pictures and post deals. Jamie got cleaned up and was heading out but I panicked and was afraid to be home alone. I came out in the office and found the email from Sara with Psalm 41:1-3 and knew I was supposed to ask you all to pray for me. When I got to the doctor’s I told her I was not able to eat. I was regurgitating everything etc. She explained that my anxiety was making acid and my stomach was closing when I would try to eat because of all the acid and that I needed to get my anxiety under control. She prescribed me a med for the acid reflux. When I got home I took one of the meds and tried to eat a little for lunch, but it was in fact just that a very, very little. I was starting to feel better, but the anxiety was still present.
Then Wednesday evening on our way home, we saw a rainbow in the sky and I just cried. I truly believed that was a sign from God saying “You are going to be okay, rest in my arms”. Trust me and me alone. But after a week of not working my anxiety was taking over, how were we going to pay our bills, etc. But again God said I will be faithful so TRUST me.
Thursday began like every other day and the anxiety was still there, but Thursday night I was very tired and didn’t want the TV on or the radio and just put on my music on my phone. I have like 7-8 songs on this playlist and they kept repeating. My favorite song is Jason Gray Laugh out Loud. In one part he says “Bring to me your heavy heart, take my hand, and we’ll go whistling in the dark”. I woke up about 8 times Thursday night and each time that was the exact part of the song that was playing. I even remember one time saying, but I don’t want to go whistling LOL Again, God showing me, Matthew 11:28 “”Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” He wants me to find rest in him and him alone.
I woke up Friday feeling somewhat better, but still very anxious. I had my mammogram appointment. Jamie and I spent some time in prayer and headed out. As we left I felt a calmness about myself. I told him I finally felt like I was seeing things again, not like I was looking through a dirty window. If you have ever experienced anxiety or panic attacks, I am sure you know what I mean. It is like you are in a fog.
After my app’t we decided to go out for lunch. I have not been able to eat in ten days and have lost 10 pounds. I was sitting at the table feeling very anxious, but looked over at the ledge and there I saw those two signs “hope” and “peace” and just knew God once again showed up in a BIG way for me. He was saying, I am here with you, eat my child. The first time in ten days that I was able to eat without feeling like I was choking or felt the painful burning as it went down. I did well most of the day yesterday but then around 3:30 p.m. the anxiety came back. I tried my breathing techniques, but again couldn’t calm myself. I kept repeating 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of Fear, but of Power (Satan I rebuke you), love, and self-discipline. I went to bed at 8 p.m. and slept until 4 a.m. and woke up again extremely anxious.
I am not sure how long this will continue, but I know God is teaching me something daily from this and the main thing is TRUST in HIM and HIM alone. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. The things I am certain God is revealing to me are to slow down and take care of myself and my family. I have had to really pray about what direction God wants me to go and I know he wants me to continue blogging, but not the crazy hours I have been working. It is not possible to sustain that any longer. I cannot try to find EVERY deal out there, I have to trust that my followers are loyal and will continue to follow my page, because it is more than a couponing page, but we have all formed a friendship with one another. You don’t have to think like me or feel the same way as I do to be loved by me, my love is unconditional and extended to each and everyone of you. I appreciate all of you who print coupons from my page and use my referral links as per my disclosure policy I receive a very small amount of income when you use my affiliate links and this helps sustain our family during this difficult time. So all of you that use my page for these things, thank you so much and I hope you continue even with me posting fewer deals. I will not be teaching any coupon classes at this time. I believe God already knew this and that is why I was chosen to write the book for Discovery Communication as it has all the same information as my classes. I am still getting several requests a day to help with extracurricular things and unfortunately I have had to say no to everything. It is not because I don’t want to do these things, but God is telling me to slow down. As our pastor said, I would lay my life down for anyone, but the problem is I only have one life, so being here longer will make more of an impact. I wish I could help everyone, and solve everyone’s problems, because I honestly do love you all, but I know I can no longer do that, BUT I can do something better and that is to continue to pray for all of you daily. We were all created to serve so we all need to step up and help when a need is there, I cannot be the only one doing that. I have no problem with you guys posting on the FB page requests, etc. After much prayer, we have decided we will continue the monthly meals in March (God willing) and the FREE laundry days, but I will set a cutoff date for all needs being met and if they are not met, then I will believe God is telling us that is not what he wants us to do that month. I cannot have any added anxiety right now. I also need to know when people sign up to volunteer they are signing up to serve in any capacity and fulfill their commitment. I spend hours putting these meals together and it is disheartening when some arrive upset about where they are asked to serve. The end result is the same, changing lives for Christ and although these people are coming to fill their bellies, we are also filling them spiritually with love and compassion. We all (including myself) need to come to these events with the heart of True servanthood. I am believing in complete healing and restoration of my body and am asking you all to join me in this prayer too, but more importantly for God’s will to be done in my life. This is a very scary time for me and a debilitating time, but I know God is BIGGER than this or anything any of us will ever face and because of that, I will continue to Praise His name and listen more intently every day of what he is speaking to me. I have feared sharing would be like me speaking it into existence, but I am actually speaking healing over my body by the blood of Jesus and would ask you all to join me. If you are experiencing anything similar, please let s know your name so we can speak healing over you too:) I will be attending a healing service this Tuesday at 6 p.m. at St. Lucas Church and then another February 21st at McCord Road Christian Church at 9 a..m I just know God is going to deliver me from this completely:) Thanks for letting me share my heart. I truly love you guys!
GOD IS GOOD. . .ALL THE TIME yes even during the most debilitating panic attacks
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