Whether it’s him or her or the wee ones you’re shopping for, our expert artisanal gift consultants have you covered this holiday season with their carefully curated selection of tasteful presents for the home, the hearth, the field, the stream—and more intimate settings. Experience luxury, experience taste, experience the rule of law, stable institutions, true freedom—experience the 2015 Washington Free Beacon Holiday Gift Guide.
Main Collections
For Him
Suave, mysterious, barrel-chested, fun-loving, steeped in Straussian theory, and skilled in a variety of esoteric fighting styles, “He” is the man you have always wanted or wanted to be.
Bullet Cuff Links, $40
These striking cuff links are made from the finest repurposed bullet casings. For the man of action in the evening. Land and Lady Co., via Etsy.
Hands-Free Neck Cooler, $5
The sportsman and the spectator alike will delight in this hands-saving beverage-cooling trinket made from the finest polymerized chloroprene. Bass Pro Shops.
Handheld Flamethrower, $1000
This elegantly styled handheld flamethrower is the first commercially available item of its kind. Manufactured proudly in the United States of America. Custom finish and paint options, for right or left hand. XM42.
Crush the Rebellion Poster, $10
This vector illustration is the best way to commemorate the memories of those who continue the fight against the perpetrators of the greatest massacre in recent galactic memory. Available in 8.5″ by 11″ and 18″ by 24″ on card stock or glossy photo paper. Jonny Ray Gun Designs via Etsy.
Military-Grade Baby Carrier, $190
With tactical stylings, full-mobility design, and other service-ready features, this front-loading harness supports infants weighing up to 35 pounds—ideal for the mission-oriented family man on the go. Gray, black, or coyote. Mission Critical.
For Her
Strong, fearless, independent, ruthlessly intelligent, staggeringly sexy, and an excellent gourmet cook, “She” is the object of your desire and the reason you continue to fight.
America-Shaped Cutting Board, $19
Made from the highest quality bamboo, this cutting board reminds us why some of us enjoy Grade-A, top-choice meat every night of the week. Walmart.
Camouflage Chemise Set, $40
One-hundred percent polyester sateen with lace trim and rhinestone accent, plus side slit and fully adjustable straps. Includes matching thong. Bass Pro Shops.
Freedom Workout Tank, $29
This tank top is expertly woven from a unique fiber blend of rayon, cotton, and polyester and printed in the United States with a defiant yet inspirational message. Activate Apparel.
Plush Cleaning Cloths, $18
These ultra-soft cloths are made up of over 100,000 microfibers per square. Perfect for wiping anything, including servers. Assorted colors, package of 36. Zwipes, via Amazon.
Diamond Tennis Necklace, $22,200
Seventeen inches of stunning 14 karat gold set with a row of shimmering diamonds. From America’s jeweler. Zale’s.
For the Young (and Young at Heart)
“They” skip, dance, sing, coo and gurgle and whistle and spit and make mistakes on their spelling tests. For their sake we guard the homeland.
USA Puzzle, $69
A beautiful and highly educational children’s toy in birch veneer over classic plywood. Land of Nod.
‘America: A Patriotic Primer’, $12
Everything boys and girls need to know about their country from a bestselling author and wife of our leading statesman. This short history is a modern classic. 40 pages, hardback. Simon and Schuster, via Amazon.
Kylo Ren Action Figure, $30
This 14.5″ talking figurine is chest activated and plays 15 unique sounds from the hero of the recent Disney feature Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Three AAA batteries included. Disney.
RC Abrams Tank, $260
This highly realistic scale replica of one of America’s finest fighting machines can be controlled from a distance of up to 60 feet and features authentic sound effects and 360-degree turns. Batteries rechargeable. Hammacher Schlemmer.
Rubber Band Machine Gun, $108
This solid maple assault weapon features no plastic parts and fires 24 rubber bands semiautomatically. Ships with 100 bands. Elastic Precision, via Etsy.
The Great Outdoors
From the Redwood forests to the Gulfstream waters, from sea to shining sea, to your big back yard: every man feels “It.” The Call of the Wild.
Driveable Beer Cooler, $1000
This fully mobile refrigerator holds 24 12 oz. cans of beer and reaches a top speed of 12 miles per hour. Hammacher Schlemmer.
Wild Boar Decoy, $50
This highly realistic foam boar, complete with authentic taxidermied eyes, is both portable and fits easily into a standard backpack. Equally suited for target practice and deception of the species it mimics. Lockdown Outdoors.
Dodge Ram 3500 Pickup, from $32,000
With a towing capacity of 30,660 pounds, a maximum payload of 3.5 tons, and a 6.4 liter Hemi V-8, the 2016 Ram is the truck you ought to have been tailgating with this football season. Available with Laramie, Longhorn, Tradesman, and Special Limited trims in Flame Red, Blue Streak Pearl, Brilliant Black, and assorted other colors. Local dealers or dodgetrucks.com.
Tool and Beverage-Holding Camouflage Grilling Apron, $20
Ten slots on the bottom of the apron for grilling accessories and condiments plus a shoulder holster for extra condiments, beer, or ammunition. EZ Drinker, via Sears.
Barbecue Dining Boat, $50,000
This expertly constructed trolling vessel comes equipped with a 25-inch stainless grill for the relaxed traveler cum gourmand. Bring the taste of Nashville and Kansas City to the high seas. Hammacher Schlemmer.
Home and Hearth
A man’s home is his castle, especially when that castle is already a fortress of freedom.
Freedom Throw Blanket, $149
This 84 percent wool, 16 percent nylon blended handicraft measures 62″ by 72″. Dry clean only. Nordstrom.
Hillary Clinton Toilet Paper, $7
Single roll emblazoned with an image of the Hard Choices-era former secretary of state. Big Mouth Inc.
Gun Safe Bed Frame, $5,470
This stainless steel bed frame houses up to 60 rifles while leaving room for pistols and ammunition galore. Bullet and tamperproof and fire-resistant up to temperatures of 1533 degrees. Heracles Research.
George W. Bush Christmas Ornament, $30
This metal holiday ornament features a reproduction of the classic religious painting “Lamb of God” by America’s greatest living president. George W. Bush Presidential Center.
Death Star Waffle Maker, $40
Honor the memories of the slain while serving up Belgians with this officially licensed, cast iron-plated tribute appliance. Pangea Brands, via ThinkGeek.
Special Collections
A Pivot to Asia: The Brent Scher Collection
Inspired by the Obama administration’s foreign policy, developed by one of our premier engineers of human desire.
Shot Glass Geisha Dress, $35
“Your eyes do not deceive you. This stunning geisha dress comes with a holster belt for shot glasses.” – BS Yandy.
Ninja Climbing Gear, $60
“This ninja climbing gift set comes with everything you may need to, likely for no reason, climb a wall when you could just as easily take the stairs. Included are both tekagi-shuko (tiger hook hands) and neko-te (cat hands).” – BS All Ninja Gear.
Kabuku Geisha Dancer Dress, $14
“This geisha dress is perfect for any dancers out there, and really is pulled together by the metallic gold belt.” – BS Yandy.
Shiba Inu Puppy, from $370
“A puppy is the ultimate last minute Christmas gift. You couldn’t even buy it early if you wanted, because it’s not exactly the thing you can stuff in a box and throw under the tree. If you want to nail Christmas, go pick up a Japanese Shiba Inu puppy.” – BS Private breeder, via Oodle.
Dragon Tattoo Geisha Dress, $37
“The beauty of this geisha dress is in the accessories. Not only is it adorned in red foil dragon print, but it comes with a red sequin obi belt, a Mandarin collar choker, a flower barrette, and chop sticks.” – BS Yandy.
Stephen Gutowski Select Collection
The very finest in not-yet-banned weapons and accessories, suggested with the care and skill of a master sommelier.
Freedom Sunrise Leather Holster, $160
“The most American holster money can buy. Available for a variety of carry styles with options for left and right-handed shooters.” – SG Savoy Leather.
AR-15 Toolkit, $85
“Every God-fearing, red-blooded American should be able to not only adequately fire the AR-15, America’s rifle, but also to repair one.” – SG Ultimate Arms Gear, via Amazon.
Tactical Dog Vest, $34-$48
“Versatility is important, and this will allow you to strap your newly holstered gun to your dog. Available in black, tan, ranger green, and multicam in a variety of sizes.” – SG One Tigris.
Browning .50 Caliber Machine Gun, $26,000
“For the loved one who has everything and, also, you’re really rich.” – SG Private dealer, via Guns America.
Chieftain MK 6 Tank, $250,000
“In case the Browning is a little bit too subtle for you, try this fully operational battle station.” – SG Complete with live 120 mm cannon. Private dealer, via Arms List.
Chez Walther
Indulge your senses as you enter a world of gin, tweed, stale tobacco, and obsolete print reference materials for a guided tour.
The Complete P.G. Wodehouse, $1400
“Most fans of the English novelist Hilaire Belloc called ‘the head of my profession’—and by Evelyn Waugh simply ‘the Master’—own his works piecemeal: tattered hardbacks, ancient Penguins, a few mass market paperbacks, and at best one or two volumes in the recently completed uniform edition from the Everyman Library and the Overlook Press. Why not go all the way this year and buy the whole 99-volume set? If laughter is the best medicine, Wodehouse is the only doctor worth visiting.” – MW Overlook Press, via special order only.
Times Literary Supplement Subscription, $230
“If you have strong opinions about the best translation of Proust and find cattiness among highly respected textual critics of 18th-century fiction simply irresistible, you probably already subscribe to this London weekly—if not, don’t put it off.” – MW the-tls.co.uk.
Hendrick’s Gin, varies
“The smoothest thing on the market. I am inclined to credit the rose petals.” – MW Various retailers.
‘Sunday at the Village Vanguard’ Vinyl Reissue, $27
“This is the best, most representative album from the greatest jazz trio of all time. My wife is very happy that I have decided to stick with this reissue instead of coughing up $200 for the original Japanese pressing I was eyeing a few months ago.” – MW Riverside, via Amazon.
Oxford English Dictionary Print Edition, $1040
“The Chambers and American Heritage dictionaries are good reference works for your desk at home, but neither contains the definition of ‘collequefaction.'” – MW Oxford University Press.
The post The Washington Free Beacon Holiday Gift Guide appeared first on Washington Free Beacon.