Now that we're 3 or 4 sessions into campaign 3...
The epic conclusion to Goon Dungeon: A Tale of Two Stations.
Space is Boring
Oh wow just skip this nothing happened.
The team finds themselves in the cold abyss of space, aimlessly searching for shit to kill/steal/eat.
Steve becomes to suffer from terrible hunger pains.
The team meets and abducts a friendly robot and welds them to the front of one of their pods, making them a glorified hood ornament.
The team aimlessly putts around, and eventually gets lost and separated.
Most of the team makes it to a giant bee hive ship thing, and decide to bunk there for the night/day/whateverthefuckconsitutessleeptimeinspace.
The residents of the ship were friendly enough, all of them being genetically engineered super bees that are incredibly adorable.
They had no issue with the crew making themselves at home and eating their honey and stealing their unborn god-children.
However, in the process of trying to steal said god-child, Steve nearly cuts Elder in half! Oh no!
Blood is everywhere!
A little got in Steve's mouth!
It wasn't half bad, especially compared to the weird hamburger and couch honey that he had eaten earlier.
As everybody went to sleep, Steve found himself obsessed with that taste.
He made is way to where Elder lay and knocked him out with spooky powers!
He made quick work turning Elder's circulatory system into a really big crazy straw.
However, there was a witness: A talking toolbox with an attitude and a dumb name.
Threats were made, bribes exchanged, and in the end the secret was safe.
In the morning the team reunited and got the fuck out of boring ass space!
What a fantastic way to spend $28,000.
Red Slacktion: Gorilla
Somewhere during all that terribly boring space bullshit a magic macguffin was found, revealing the whereabouts of the team's good friend F15K.
The coordinates took them to a prison facility somewhere on Mars.
For a NanoTrasen facility it looked to be in EXTREME disrepair, with ripped up floors, broken walls, and non-functional robots littering the facility.
The team eventually stumbled into a set of very small but incredibly high-security prison cells.
Mysterious voices came from behind the doors, claiming that the doors could only be unlocked with a code that was only known by the warden.
The voices also explained that the team would have to cross through open terrain to get to the warden, and the terrain was incredibly dangerous, with high speed winds whipping heavy debris around the air.
F15K was starting to seem not worth it.
However, the team continued on, the selfless philanthropists that they were.
Blood on the Dance Floor
The team knew that they'd be ripped to shreds if they tried to venture through the winds, so they headed towards what appears to be some sort of vehicle bay.
However, once inside, they were greeted by a peculiar looking couple.
They twirled and spun and leapt and dances around, throwing caution to the deathly winds, and performing amazing feats of beauty and courage.
Their dance moves were marvelous to say the least.
The man spun the woman like she was a top, and she just kept spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning...
... right into Steve! Oh shit it's on! It's on!
The dancers showed grace in flight but not so much in combat.
They're dance moves fell flat against the brute force of a sharp blade or buckshot.
The dancers were cut down, no mercy was shown.
But they looked damn good dying.
Insane in the Dim Brain
After crossing through the winds in a very cramped rover and felling more footloose foes, they discovered a rather glum looking dancer.
The team inquired as to what their issue was.
Well, for about three seconds.
The team inquired as to what their issue was and then immediately carved her skull open.
Upon doing so, Elder took a particular liking to her brain.
It was small and grey, and coated in some sort of drug. The perfect treat for a HoP on the go.
However, this was a grave mistake. A very grave mistake.
Elder immediately started showing signs of kuru. His speech became slurred, his thoughts were incomprehensible, and he kept laughing.
In fact, something about Elder amplified the kuru. After being exposed to Elder's raw kuru stupidity, David became infected with a lesser form of kuru.
Meanwhile, Steve pilfered the busted up medbay only to discover a container of cyan liquid.
Knowing that David was the master of chemistry, he took it to him to find out what it was.
After sampling it, David had discovered the liquid was in fact LSD.
Elder snagged the rest and chugged it.
With half the team blathering idiotically, they pressed on towards the Warden's office, certain only that bad things were about to happen.
Hostile Negotiators
The Warden sat atop a golden throne, surrounded by the most splendid dancers, adorned in the most beautiful attire one could imagine.
How strange to find such people in a busted up prison.
The warden spoke quickly in a sharp tone, explaining to the team that their presence their was unacceptable.
However, the warden was an eccentric man. He challenged the team to a dance off.
Steve found himself busy holding back his two mentally incapacitated friends, so it was up to Valterak to serve this fool.
Valterak was to go first. He had to represent his team with some sick moves.
And sick moves they were. Valterak flawlessly cabbage patched into a duggy, which transitioned well into the charleston, which he used to lead into the splits, followed by the worm, ending it all with a 1440 degree headspin and pose.
That was all well and good, but it was the Warden's turn now.
The Warden stood up, dusted himself off, and then shuffled his feet around for a while and swung his arms.
The dancers around him all applauded like mad.
The Warden, however, still acknowledged his defeat, and gave the code up willing.
However, there was another matter on the team's mind.
The Warden was surrounded by secure vaults that were more than likely filled with valuables.
Valterak and Steve took the Warden into a side room to discuss politics, while the kuru infected David and Elder were left unattended with the dancers.
From inside the room, the only thing that could be heard was screaming, smashing, and the sound of heavy objects being dragged. However, the contents of the vaults were secure.
Not only that, but the team had convinced the Warden to come work for them, thus gaining an influential crew member.
The Start of Something Terrible
After freeing F15K and returning home, the team began to squabble.
David had gotten over his minor kuru sickness, but Elder was still infected.
However, this didn't slow him down. Despite appearances, Elder was an incredibly durable and resilient human being, and would not be put down by kuru, though his thoughts were still addled.
Steve had continued his feedings in secret, however David had begun to suspect something, and took the incredibly powerful Royal Wendigoose Blade from Steve as a precaution against some sort of backstabbing.
The station, now under the team's control, ran fairly smoothly. They got active with the crew, checking up on them, organizing them, making sure things went smoothly.
However, the team knew that they were on NanoTrasen's radar. They had escaped them once and had meddled with their plans twice now. Commander BlackHawk was sure to take notice.
War was inevitable, but the team knew they would be ready when the time came.
How the Bastards Stole Spacemas
However, fuck all that war shit, it's Spacemas!
Wooooooo!
The team upgraded the station in celebration, even got an anti-pod defence system up and running.
Just as it went up, though, it spotted an unregistered stealth pod that wouldn't respond to communications and immediately shot it down.
The team took it upon themselves to investigate, though tensions between them were growing to a boil as they soon realized Steve was using them as his personal juice pouch.
The pod had apparently crash landed on the Ice Moon, the same one they visited when they worked for NanoTrasen.
Knowing what to expect this time, the team properly prepared before making their way to the cold satellite.
After arriving it was very apparent something had crashed here.
As they made their way towards a fire in the distance, the team spotted what appeared to be presents on the ground.
The team knew what was up. They fucked up.
As they reached the wreckage, they knew all too well who they had shot down.
Santa Claus! Saint Nick! Fat Guy! Wonk in a red suit with and fake beard!
He was fukken dead.
Welp.
The team examined his cargo, and it seemed that he was getting ready to deliver presents to their station, and all the presents were for the people on their station.
They knew what they had to do. The team would set things right by cloning Santa and delivering the presents themselves.
However, even through their space suits it was cold as fuck, so they gathered the presents around them and and headed towards the research outpost nearby.
Some Things Never Changeling
The doors were no longer ripped off and torn from the frame from their first visit, how odd.
There was also a peculiar warmth to the building as they entered.
Something was strange.
It might've been the giant pulsing mound of flesh in the corner, but it also could've been the doors. Definitely the doors.
Oh shit it's Harold!
Harold was there!
The team immediately gave Harold a big conjoined hug, and exchanged pleasantries.
The team told them all about everything that happened after their mission, about avoiding termination, taking over a station, and even about killing Santa.
Harold told them all about how the caves had repopulated with horrible things, and even something that liked to steal presents.
However, that was not going to stop the team. They would persevere and defeat the beast and reclaim Spacemas as their own, because god damn they were amazing.
They asked Harold to take Santa's corpse back to their station and have it cloned.
And to not eat Santa.
Naughty and Ice
The team descended into the icy caverns as they had once before.
Ahh, memories. A cold steel Steve, a detective David, a boxing Valterak, and a radioactive Elder.
Who knows what changes they'll go through next?
Anyways, the team investigated the icy caverns. It appeared that all the Ice Spiders were gone, until they reached the Northern end of the cave.
A little nIce spider cood at them in the cave.
The team pet it, and it took a liking to them, but Steve warned it not to follow. Bad things would inevitably befall those who followed them.
However, the nIce spider didn't understand human speech, and followed anyways.
Elder saw this as an opportunity to collect a new pet, and attempted to battle it like one would a pokemon.
However, this caused issue with Steve, who, to defend the spider, summoned a bat, but that's okay because everybody glossed over that part.
While Steve and Elder were distracted, David threw his roach's physics ball at the spider because apparently the kuru was still in him a little bit.
This of course did not behave like a pokeball. It crushed the fragile spider as anyone would expect.
Steve was sad.
WHO Could've Guessed?
The team shuffled their way through the narrow caves, trouncing a few wendigos on the way.
They passed by the magic stocking that they had gotten gifts from on their prior trip, however it was not showing sign of Spacemas cheer and gave them nothing this time.
The team reached the smooth, metallic area they had been to once before.
They walked the corridor, expecting to hear the growl of the Wendigo King once more.
And to their surprise they did.
A mighty roar came from the chamber at the end of the hall. They didn't know exactly what to expect.
Oh wait except they knew EXACTLY what to expect.
Before rounding the corner Steve muttered something about a strange green creature, and low and behold that's what they found.
It was the Grumpch, and he was surrounded with stolen presents!
Steve then muttered something about the creature attacking whoever had the most presents, and, shocker, that's EXACTLY what it did!
The Grumpch let out a mighty roar and lunged at Valterak!
The Fight Before Spacemas
Combat ensued!
The combatants were crude!
There was maiming and mauling and ripping and tearing!
However Valterak knew that the Grumpch is what he'd be wearing!
The team attacked with abandon, took damage without care!
A fight this good was rare!
Vicious slashes and gashes were made!
David decided to use a grenade!
There was a flash and a bang, everything was white!
IT's a fucking miracle everybody was alright!
Before them lay the Grumpch, bloody and dead.
The fight was so bloody the ice was stained red.
They gathered the presents, there were so many.
If they sold them all they could make a pretty penny...
jk
But then, Steve found himself anger struck!
There was no present for him, what the fuck?
It was at this point that Elder revealed
Santa's list, which he had concealed.
There were 29 nice, but only 1 naughty.
It was Steve, and this made him feel haughty!
He ranted and raved, "I'm good I'm good!"
He made the best case for himself he could.
However, in the end the case was clear, Steve was bad.
But why the fuck was everyone else nice, that's just mad!
Secret (Agent) Santa
When the team returned to the station, they immediately set out to get all the presents to their rightful owners.
They even made sure to leave the dead their presents in memoriam.
It was tireless, thankless work, but they did it nonetheless.
Steve had the most presents, mostly because he wanted to prove that he was in fact good, and not just a blood sucking leech.
He puts 150% effort into it, even going as far as to buy limbs for Limbless Larry so he could enjoy his Spacetendo Power Glove.
Finally, the team made their way to the bridge to have a big Spacemas feast, though Steve could enjoy none of it.
They asked Harold if Santa had been cloned yet, but apparently his body disappeared.
Mysterious!
As Steve went to ask Jim the doorbot if he saw anybody leave with a Santa corpse, he spotted a present lying in front of the Spacemas tree on the bridge.
He picked it up and examined the tag.
IT was his!
Wooo!
He opened it up and inside was...
... the nice spider!
IT cood at Steve and followed him back into the main room.
It was a very merry Spacemas.
But things were about to get considerably worse for Steve.
Blood In, Blood Out
Steve Dyssal was an ex-NanoTrasen termination operative who just happened to escape being terminated himself with a gang of misfits he was supposed to terminate after their mission together.
Recently he had come into partial ownership of a station, and also contracted sanguinis vampiris.
Being a vampire was something he wasn't comfortable admitting out loud, despite the fact that cannibalism was accepted and embraced by not only his team but society in general.
So for this reason he kept his affliction secret from his team. However, it was bound to be discovered eventually. When it was discovered, there was most definitely a feeling of unease in the air whenever the team found themselves around STeve.
One particular day, while setting up a number of special facilities on the station, this became a rather big issue.
Valterak, David, and Elder took it upon themselves to look for a cure to Steve's vampirism secretly.
To their luck, they were able to get a recipe from the chaplain on board their station. It was simple enough and they already had most of the ingredients.
It only took them a short time to synthesize the cure, and after that it was determined that Steve would either take the cure willingly or he'd be forced to take it.
They called him into the bridge, and immediately took their positions around the room.
They had made sure to arm themselves effectively for this encounter, as Steve was dangerous already, and even more so as a vampire.
The question was popped. Nobody was relaxed. There was a certain air about the room that set everybody on edge.
Steve refused.
BOOM!
Steve's right arm goes flying off, an explosive device by David having been planted on him during events prior.
*scream!
Steve lets out an ear bursting screech, knocking everybody in the room down.
Valterak crawled over and relieved Steve of his remaining arm.
Steve was cornered, unarmed (literally), and outnumbered. He turned to his Plan B.
After face rolling a few keys on the AI's built-in terminal, he was able to work in a law forcing the AI to exterminate everything on board the station.
It immediately began shocking the doors and venting the oxygen on the bridge.
David took a shot at Steve with a holy water .357 round, using the gun that Steve had gotten for him.
The round hit Steve square in the chest, causing grievous wounds.
Elder tried to performing a flaming spin kick with his rocket galoshes, but after protesting from both sides he settled for a standard spin kick, but only succeeded at making himself dizzy.
Steve bolted for the nearest shocked door, hoping to use his ability to conduct electricity to his advantage, however the air immediately became very thin.
The oxygen was being vented faster than he expected, and Valterak was trying to destroy the AI. Steve knew that if the AI died he wouldn't be able to undo the law quick enough to stop the venting in time.
Negotiations began. Steve would take the cure and reset the AI, however he had to have a special chainsaw arm made for him and Val had to give up the Royal Wendigoose Chainsword, which David had upgraded and given to Valterak for Spacemas.
The terms were agreeable, and so ended Steve's vampirism.
His stomach heavy with blood, he immediately regretted having Geoff Goldman for breakfast.
The Calm
With accounts settled and loose ends tied, the team was ready to actually start running the station for real.
They sent out a call to any spacemen that might want to join, and awaited a reply from the void.
They got one pretty fast.
It was from BlackHawk!
The team had alerted NanoTrasen to their presence with that message. They were going to come in and wreak havoc!
However, as quickly as BlackHawk had replied, so did three others.
One of them was from the Creatures of the Night, a group made of zombies, werewolves, vampires, and other ghouls.
They were also against NT, and were willing to provide supplies for us to fight them in exchange for cash.
They were also contacted by the Space Wizard Federation, who felt the same way!
And Discount Dan!
The team had to choose who they would support with their cash supplies.
In the end, it was clear. Wizards. Wizards4lyfe.
The team sent the cash to the wizards and received...
3 mystery crates!
The team immediately started snatching crates, with Elder being the odd man out.
Valterak got... a mini Zoldorf!
David got... Pandemonium!
Steve got... a wizard hat and a wizard staff!
However, Steve felt bad for Elder and gave him his wizard staff.
Then the team got to work upgrading the station's security measures.
Steve started breeding nice spiders, but they were too nice and wouldn't fight.
David got a Beepsky army around, but they weren't very good at taking orders, being loose cannons and all.
Valterak tried to make a cyborg army, but lacked the effort to do so.
Elder tried to get a loaf army started, but he put if off for too long.
Essentially, it boiled down to the team versus all of NanoTrasen.
The Storm
When the fight began it wasn't as loud as the team had expected. In fact, the only sound was the screaming of the crew (for unrelated reasons) and the pump of the cannons shelling away at the NT warship.
After a few minutes of shelling the team shot a teleporter beacon into their ship and warped in to finish the job personally.
The vessel they found themselves on had been torn apart, stripped by their station's cannons. It was more breach than hull at this point.
They made their way through the ship, finding only a single team of NT operatives remaining, and they were dispatched with ease. Probably because they had guitars instead of guns.
The team wandered around for a while until they came to the small control room.
In it they were confronted by BlackHawk and his top commanders.
However, something was off.
One of the commanders was an operative that had been sent to kill them when they first arrived on the new station, which they easily wrestled into submission.
Another appeared to be another one of the ninjas they had encountered on the lava moon, which they had cut to shreds.
And the third commander... was just a cardboard cut out.
Something was wrong with BlackHawk too. He sounded different, and his legs looked funny.
However, that all ceased to matter when they revealed that their was a bomb on their station!
They could either stay and fight and lose their station, or leave and disarm the bomb.
However, BlackHawk made the fatal error of revealing that it was a time bomb. He couldn't remote detonate it.
While Steve distracted BlackHawk, Valterak snuck up on him.
After a bit of heckling, though, BlackHawk pouted.
It was then revealed that THIS BlackHawk was BlackHawk Jr., the son of the BlackHawk they had first encountered.
Apparently his inheritance was linked to the death of the team, and in order to get it he had to first eliminate them.
This was a saddening fact.
Elder, in a display of emotions, splashed liquid fire onto BlackHawk Jr.
At the same time, Valterak began hiding under a table.
David used all this commotion to teleport back to the station with a hand teleporter to see if he could get to that bomb.
All the while BlackHawk Jr. rolled around on the ground, burning to death the whole time.
Valterak remained hidden, though he creepily called out to BlackHawk Jr.
Elder took no time at all to begin blasting the NINJA and failed assassin with his shotgun.
However, Steve did nothing. He found this whole situation quite sad.
And, surprisingly enough, so did the rest of the group.
Valterak showed mercy and stuffed BlackHawk Jr. under the rug, snuffing the flames out.
The NINJA revealed his knife gun and shot at Elder... but of course his NINJA training kicked in and he missed every shot.
The failed assassin, Qu1ckSc0p3, also took a few shots... and missed them all.
As this was happening, David made his way to the AI core on the station where the bomb was and began hacking into it.
Steve continued contemplating the morality of the situation.
BlackHawk Jr. feebly tried to escape the rug, but to no avail. This is surprising to say the least, because Valterak wasn't even holding him down. He was just under a rug.
Elder continued blasting away, but something seemed off about him. He kept whispering to something in a broken, unheard language.
It didn't sound like a pleasant conversation.
Back on the station, David had discovered the password to the bomb and had to work on the second locking mechanism: A retinal scanner.
Well shit.
After relaying this info to the team back on the ship, it was clear what had to be done.
Somebody was gonna have to go get a melon baller.
However, before they resorted to that, the team decided to figure out who they would need to gouge.
Valterak took a seat on BlackHawk Jr., questioning him and threatening to take his eye out, but to no avail. BlackHawk Jr., despite being weak and having prosthetic legs, was a tough nut to crack. And it apparently wasn't his eye that was needed.
At this point in time the other two commanders had become non-entities, being little more than slight nuisances to the team, like mosquitoes nipping at lions.
Finally, after a good deal of technical fiddling, David was able to bypass the retinal scanner entirely, and was at the final locking mechanism, a 4 digit code.
However, whoever designed this locking mechanism was a nitwit and decided that the code should tell you when you got numbers wrong and right.
David easily brute forced it, and with that disabled and disarmed the bomb.
The team informed BlackHawk Jr. of his failure, and he promptly surrendered.
However, his comrades couldn't deal with the shame.
Qu1ckSc0p3 did a 360 into space, and the NINJA completed a number puzzle and died.
The team used their station's teleporter to get back, and took BlackHawk Jr. with them as a hostage.
Back on station, with BlackHawk Jr. brigged and demoralized, the crew gave him two choices.
He could either join their crew, or face the inky blackness of space naked.
However, before they could get an answer, screaming from the AI core alerted them.
They burst into the core only to find Elder furiously mashing at the nuke, trying to arm it.
Try as he may, though, it would not arm. David had taken out the payload and stuck it in his pocket.
The nuclear payload.
But this did not stop Elder. From his pocket he produced a roach, a roach that he had implanted with a macrobomb, a bug bomb.
He held it high above his head, blathering in some nonsensical language, all the while being egged on by his equally nonsensical loaf.
It was clear that Elder's kuru was flaring up.
The team had no choice but to remain calm and stay clear of Elder, who had essentially taken them all hostage.
He slowly backed out of the room, trying to escape deeper into the station, no doubt to create an even bigger bomb.
The team had no choice, they had to slow him down with something that Elder couldn't resist...
A Pokemon battle.
Valterak summoned his Borgmon, and Elder sent out Loafmon!
However, there was no chance for Borgmon. Loafmon was overleveled from previous battles.
But the slaughter of Borgmon gave Steve and David the chance to devise a plan. They were to tranq Elder and get him some mannitol.
Just as David was about to take a shot, though, Elder's brain damage gave him the ability to detect what was going on, and he bolted for the bridge!
A chase ensued!
Cornered on the bridge like a filthy, mentally damaged animal, Elder lashed out anyway he could, keeping the roach out as insurance.
However, David was able to get a shot off, hitting Elder right in the neck!
In a fit of adrenalin, rage, and confusion, Elder burst through the group and began sprinting down the hallway!
He didn't make it far though, and he passed out quickly, and the roach scurried away, to be stepped on by some poor staff assistant.
With Elder tranqed and restrained, the team went to find a chemist sketchy enough to sell them a cure for kuru.
However, all they could get their hands on was a suppressant, a drug that would keep Elder's symptoms under control but not cure him.
They immediately dosed him and his loaf with this drug and made sure their friend was back to normal and okay.
Well, "normal" isn't the best word to use, but he was okay.
With this problem dealt with, the team went back to BlackHawk Jr. to get his answer.
However, BlackHawk Jr. wanted neither of the choices, he just wanted to go home and become a karate master.
The team informed him that they couldn't risk him coming back again with more NanoTrasen forced, but then he told them a very shocking fact.
NanoTrasen was dead.
The team had inadvertently destroyed all remaining sects of NanoTrasen, with that ship being the only remaining asset NanoTrasen had left.
Shocked, and slightly disappointed, Steve escorted BlackHawk Jr. to his pod and sent him home.
They all gathered at the bridge and got really silent.
They had won.
The Horizon
Fast forward a few decades.
Technology has taken a huge step forward.
The galaxy and surrounding galaxies are now bustling with commerce and opportunity following the invention of the warp drive by one David Bailey.
The strange energies that the warp drive creates ripples throughout the whole universe, introducing strange mutations, such as psychic abilities and powerful third eyes.
The Founders are a name known far and wide throughout society, known for bringing down NanoTrasen and bring about an age of rebirth.
It is said that the group is ruled by warrior gods, 4 deities who were once human but surpassed all that was humanly possible, thus entering a state of godliness.
David Bailey had created a drug cocktail so potent that he himself had become a mist of drugs. He exists now in a gaseous state, an expanding conscious that is contained by another of his own inventions, the Physics Ball.
Valterak Balmue had his consciousness transferred into a station sized battle drone, outfitted with a biological replica of his head with a mouth that leads into an all-consuming stomach.
Steve Dyssal had merged with a changeling and became the dominant consciousness, making the body his own. From there he went on to absorb powerful humans, wizards, other changelings, werewolves, vampires, and even some cyborgs.
Elder Muffin... wait a second, where is Elder?
Statistics: Posted by DyssalC — Sun Feb 01, 2015 6:43 am