I have not seen American Sniper. And yet I feel like I’ve seen American Sniper. Since the movie came out there has been constant chatter about it on social media. This is partially because it’s popular, but mostly because it’s polarizing. And the polarization is drawn pretty clearly along political lines. The conservative and liberal reactions to American Sniper are so different it seems like these groups are viewing different films. To show you what I mean, I’ve written two sample scenes. One is based on Conservative testimonial on the film and the other is the version seen by Liberals. And remember – neither of these is accurate because I’ve never seen the film. ** Conservative Point-of-view American Sniper Pan up the long barrel of a sniper rifle, the most deadly gun ever created. It can kill a target a mile away – how cool is that!? The triggerman is none other than Chris Kyle himself, a.k.a. the deadliest sniper in American history a.k.a. American Sniper. His chiseled, all-American good looks are evident even underneath his manly beard. He spots something in his scope and gets on the radio. AMERICAN SNIPER I’ve got a military aged man on a cell phone. It looks like he’s planning to murder several brave American soldiers. COMMANDING OFFICER You’re American Sniper, the most deadly sniper in American history. You’re a hero. If you think it’s a bad guy, there’s no doubt you’re right. Take the shot. AMERICAN SNIPER He’s stepped away. I’ll stand down. COMMANDING OFFICER You’re the best, American Sniper. AMERICAN SNIPER No, it’s this country that’s the best. I’m just doing my job. A woman and a child emerge from a building. American Sniper gets back on the radio. AMERICAN SNIPER I’ve got a woman and a child. She’s not swinging her hands. She’s carrying something. COMMANDING OFFICER What is it? Can you identify? AMERICAN SNIPER She’s handing the kid a rocket. And a burning America flag. And a bible, which I can tell she peed on. And there’s another grenade. And there’s the detonator to a nuclear bomb. Can you confirm? COMMANDING OFFICER We can’t confirm. It’s your call, American Sniper. Those pussy democrat bureau—FATS in Washington don’t know what it’s like here in a warzone. You’ll make the right call. You’ve never killed someone that didn’t deserve it. American Sniper puts his finger on the trigger and he takes aim. Suddenly an entire PLATOON of Islamic extremists emerges! They’ve all got guns and bombs and Korans. They’re about to jihad America. But there’s one thing they didn’t count on – AMERICAN SNIPER. He’s going to take them all out with ONE SHOT. As he lines up his shot he thinks about his wife and kid back home. Next time he goes home for leave he’s definitely going to face his demons and become a better family man. American Sniper pulls the trigger. 100 Islamic Extremists fall dead. COMMANDING OFFICER You’re a hero, American Sniper. People and wars are not complicated things with grey areas. No, this is a black and white issue and you are a hero. The only person that would say something disparaging about you doesn’t support the troops or America. A single tear rolls down American Sniper’s cheek. AMERICAN SNIPER I just wish I could have done more. CUT TO: Montage of American Sniper getting thanked by the soldiers he saved. MUSIC: Sung to the tune of “American Woman” by Kid Rock: American Sniper, protecting you and me American Sniper, keeping America Free—ee—ee—ee FADE TO A WAVING AMERICAN FLAG. Liberal Point-of-view American Sniper Pan up the long barrel of a sniper rifle, the most deadly gun ever invented. It allows a man to kill an enemy from a mile out. It is a weapon for cowards. The triggerman is Chris Kyle a.k.a. the deadliest sniper in American history a.k.a. American Murderer. Even underneath his beard you can see his smile. This sicko loves killing. He spots something in his scope and gets on the radio. AMERICAN MURDERER I’ve got a dirty Arab in my sites. He’s on a cell phone. I don’t know if he deserves to die, but I’m an adrenaline junkie, so I’d love to take the shot. COMMANDING OFFICER If he looks like he’s keeping America from getting oil then you are free to take the shot. We’ve got to make sure George Bush’s friends can get rich off of oil. AMERICAN MURDERER He’s stepped away. I’ll stand down. COMMANDING OFFICER Do you do this job because you’re a blind patriot who will always think America is great regardless of the geo-political damage we do with our policies? Or is it just for the joy of killing? AMERICAN MURDERER Both. And to protect our second amendment rights from the A-rabs. A woman and a child emerge from a building. American Murderer gets back on the radio. AMERICAN MURDERER I’ve got a woman and a child. She’s not swinging her hands. She’s carrying something. COMMANDING OFFICER What is it? Can you identify? AMERICAN MURDERER No. It could be anything. But it doesn’t matter. They are brown-skinned, so they deserve to die. Can you confirm that they’re brown-skinned? COMMANDING OFFICER We can’t confirm. It’s your call American Sniper. But, worst case scenario, you kill a couple of innocent civilians, which we don’t care about in the United States Army. A drone would probably kill them soon anyway. American Murderer puts his finger on the trigger and takes aim. Suddenly, he realizes it’s not a rocket, but a newborn baby. (PRODUCTION NOTE: Use an obviously fake baby doll for this scene.) You’d think this would make American Murderer flinch, but the military-industrial complex has turned him into a consciousless murder machine. As he lines up the shot he thinks about the lies he’ll tell people when he gets back to the states. Maybe something about beating up a well-known celebrity politician. American Murderer takes the shot. The woman, the kid, and the baby are […]