Jack
“Joe Swagman is dead,” the old man peered over the top of his newspaper at his granddaughter Linda. It startled her. His voice was a shrill cackle and, as if to emphasize his words, a bolt of lightning took that opportunity to flash outside. She took a breath and held her chest. After a couple more inhales, she regained her composure. She returned to staring out the alcove window. More distant lighting silhouetted her against the rain splattered window.
“I said, Joe Swagman is d…”
“I heard you… I suppose you're thrilled.” She responded flatly.
The withered figure pointed to the article and tapped the page several times. He then raised an arm and gestured to a wall covered with pictures and more obituaries.
“I've outlived them all. Janet Gilmore died last week. Now it's just Tony and me. When that bastard dies, I win.” Old man Jack giggled briefly, then broke into a coughing fit. Linda moved in closer to comfort him.
“Grandpa, you wasted your life on this delusion. I'm not going to play anymore.”
“Play! ... Have you stopped believing?” He sputtered as his voice dropped off.
“I never believed. I just didn't argue with you. I can't be happy for you. “
“This is important!” Jack squealed, half talking and half coughing the words out. “I am going to win. It's just Tony and me now. I will get immortality... and Tony will go to hell where he belongs.”
Linda rolled her eyes. “Grandpa, Uncle Tony is like family. He's the only person who ever visits you. I think you two fight so much because you really need each other. Why do you hate him so much?”
She got two of his pills out of a container next to Jack's chair and gave them to him with a glass of water.
“He's not your Uncle." Jack popped a pill in his mouth and held it on his tongue while he talked. "Tony got me into this. Everything is his fault.”
“I never asked him to come here. He does it to aggravate me. We were close once, but the pact changed everything. Since then, the only thing we have had in common is we both want the other to die. He wants to win, but only over my dead body.” He gave a weak crazy giggle.
Linda knew what was coming next. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth... The Pact story.
The old man turned to her with wide jaundice eyes and spoke barely above a whisper. “We made a deal with evil forces... dark powers that could grant life everlasting...”
Linda sighed, “Please, I have heard this a thousand times, Grandpa.
“I've never told anyone the whole story. Not your Grandmother, not your mother... no one." He looked around nervously even though he knew they were alone. "The moment is almost here. I can't keep quiet about it any longer."
“You've never been quiet about it. I know it by heart “
Undeterred, the old man continued. “It happened more than 70 years ago, back in High School. Tony found a book at a yard sale. It was filled with ancient spells and evocations."
"The book was full of words and rituals to call forth angels and demons. I don't think either of us believed it. It was just fun. We started a secret club. Lot's of our friends joined, too. We were told we could conjure up demon lovers who would grant wishes in exchange for sex. Seemed like a pretty good deal to us at that age. Unfortunately, it never worked. In fact, not much ever happened until Tony got this idea of trying to conjure up the Mephistopheles instead.”
“Mephistopheles, really!” Linda laughed, “How Faustian, Grandpa! We did dumb stuff like that when I was in High School. Dark rooms. Lots of candles and chanting. Now and then a candle would flicker or go out and everyone got the creeps... it's just imagination."
“Oh, is it?” Jack's eyes went more vacant than usual. “Did you ever do this?” His voice was thin, but it cut though the air and set a chill in Linda's soul. With each horrific word, the fireplace flared.
Merchants of Darkness,
A deal we plead, a plead for all,
We wager our bodies, our blood and soul.
The storm outside seemed to grow in intensity.
Neither rest, nor peace, nor contentment
Till we are granted our request,
What we do most desire.
Life everlasting!
The room grew cold and darkened. Although closed to the elements, a wind whipped Linda's hair and blew loose items around the room. Jack's voice was still clear above the din.
Only the last will be victorious,
One will feast and drain the goblet deep.
The others shall bear the price and forfeit.
We will dance and wildly leap,
And if thou grant'st the grace which I requir...
A vortex began to form in front of them. On the floor a fiery pentangle started to appear.
“HOLY CRAP, GRANDPA... STOP!” Linda placed her hands over the old man's thin lips. This was new and it shook her to her very foundations of sanity. She had never believed in Magick or superstitions, but a change of underwear was going to be required after this.
The frenzy began to subside. Linda stood a moment trying to make sense of what she just saw. “You really did it. I can't believe it. My God, Grandpa, what did you do?”
“I asked for immortality deary... we all did. Old Mephistopheles just laughed and said there were too many of us to grant everyone. But he made this deal... whoever was the last to survive could live forever. All the others would realize their own worst fates in hell forever."
"And if you lose... what happens then?" Linda held the old mans hand.
"I won't. I've outlived everyone but Tony.” Jack wheezed like an old steam engine in bad need of repair.
"But suppose you die first. You aren't that healthy... what is your fate?"
"I will have a hell that is designed for just me. It will consist of something I find horrible and it will last FOREVER!"
“Is that why you never go out? You never did anything with you life so you would outlive Uncle Tony?”
“Death has stalked us both for years. I've seen his shadows a million times and always managed to stay one step ahead. As I got older and couldn't fend well, so this house became my fortress. Nothing is going to get me before Tony. Nothing... He he he... Any day now, I win.”
The excitement made Jack weak. He slumped in the chair and caught what little breath he could. The storm outside began to clear. The thunder grew more distant.
“Grandpa, I think I need to go”, Linda was shaken. “This is too much for me to handle.” She grabbed her raincoat and mucklucks and moved for the door. “You should see a doctor or a shrink or something... This is a terrible way to live.”
Linda opened the door. She turned to leave and was startled to find the way out blocked. A towering black figure stood just on the other side. He wore a dark robe with a deep hood. As her eyes searched for his face, she felt herself almost tumbling into an endless blackness. Linda gasped for air and looked away. When she gazed upon the apparition's bony hand holding a scythe, Linda knew who it was... Death.
The horrific angel was just as she had always imagined, tall, scary and sure... with two minor differences. Atop the hood he wore a paper hat with the words " Upchucky Cheesus " and carried a pizza box in his other hand.
Death too, was surprised. In a rumbling voice somewhere between a howl and a raging wind, he looked at her and said “Do you see me?”
She nodded feebly.
“Ah, a pure soul. I have not come for you.” The apparition turned away. “Anybody here order a double pepperoni with anchovies and eternal damnation?”
Linda gulped. Her mind retreated to the rear of her skull and cowered. A shiver ran through her. This guy was not going to be happy with just a dollar tip... she knew exactly what he was after.
“Please don't hurt my Grandpa.” Large tears rolled down her face.
“His fate is only what he expects.”
The black figure floated towards Jack. Flames from the fireplace flared outward, then went out. The room grew dark and cold. All Linda could see was the long shadow of a scythe raised high in the air. She turned her head away as it plunged into the chair.
Linda wanted to cry, but no sound would come. She closed the door and ran for her car. An instant later, she fell out of bed gasping. In confusion, she sat upright and took a moment to orient herself. Had it just been a dream?
Tony's Eternity
Tony had been lulled to sleep by the pitter-patter of rain. It was the first good night's sleep he had in ages. He was warm and comfortable. Outside the rain stopped and the sky cleared as if God had blown away the clouds in a single breath. Smiling for the first time in ages, he sat up and threw his legs over the side of the bed.
This morning was different somehow. As soon as his eyes opened, he felt an energy like none other. He wasn't tired anymore. He awoke with a vigor that had long escaped him. Tony sprang out of bed and instantly noticed that his aches and pains were gone. He was able to move freely without any distress. This was not normal.
Although he felt no urgency to pee this morning, out of habit and good measure he entered the bathroom. A glance at the mirror froze him in his tracks. The reflection revealed a stunning youth he hardly recognized. Gone was the old familiar wrinkled face. His thin gray hair was replaced with lush thick tresses. Stunned, he stared deep into his own, clear brown eyes and marveled.
It meant only one thing... Jack was dead. The grand prize of eternity was his.
He was at once elated and dismayed. Although they had been rivals for many years, he would miss Jack. Their parries were the best part of his life. Chiding the old fart had become an obsession. Taunting Jack was Tony's single purpose in life. But then again, without Jack life might be fun... interesting... maybe even good. The thought gave him shivers.
He tried to wear some of his clothes, but his new muscular physique was too much for the gaunt rags he usually wore. In the basement he uncovered an old chest containing attire he had abandoned decades ago. They fit perfectly and the air of mothballs cleared his sinuses. He would pay one last visit to that sniveling old bastard rival of his to say goodbye.
Tony sprang up the basement stairs, leapt across the living room and swung open the front door. His haste was brought to an abrupt end by a towering dark figure blocking the doorway. Eyes like blazing coals peered out of a featureless plane inside a dark hood. Embroidered in red letters over a pocket on the left side of the shroud were the letters D-E-A-T-H (a product of Union Carbide).
"You are Tony I presume", a bony finger outstretched in his direction.
Tony's reaction was swift and succinct. "Holy Shit!" Apparently eternity wasn't what it used to be. He turned to flee only to find Death facing him in the new direction as well.
"Whoa, chill dude", Death chuckled, "I'm not here to claim you. You won! I just need for you to sign this contract. If I don't hand in the paper work they'll put me on plague duty again and believe me, that is one big bummer."
The Angel of Darkness held out a piece of 3-part parchment filled with undecipherable figures and illustrations. At the bottom of the sheet was a large red X and a line. In Death's other hand was a ballpoint pen stolen from 1st National Bank of Hades... it was still warm.
"I don't understand", Tony was correct... he didn't.
"This gives you title to your new body and grants you immunity from perilous events. The white and yellow copies are for the Continuum, the black copy on the bottom is yours... I'd keep it close. It could come in handy." Tony swore he saw a hint of a smile in Death's formless visage.
"That's it?" Tony could not believe it was this easy. "I get to live forever?"
"Oh sure, a deals a deal", Death watched Tony scrawl his name and tore off the copy. Tony took it and examined it closely. The writing was totally foreign and illegible.
"Wow, this is a lot of crap just to say I get to live forever."
"Yeah, it's the standard contract." Death turned to leave then suddenly pivoted to again face Tony. "Oh, forgot this..." He tossed a deck of cards to Tony.
"Cards? What do I need these for?"
"You're gonna be playing a lot of solitaire dude." Death waved his arm and Tony saw his new world for the first time, dark and barren, a flat featureless plane devoid of life and landscape. He spun around and saw his house was gone too. "You should always read the fine print."
Tony took hold of Death's shroud as he tried to leave. "You can't leave me like this!"
"Oh sure I can... paragraph 3, line 7, and I quote "Death gets to leave you like this"".
The horror of it sunk in all too quick. "Isn't there an alternative. Can't I die or something instead?"
"Nah, paragraph 1... you live forever." Death laughed evilly.
"Can I change my fate?" Tony pleaded.
Death thought for a moment and responded. The light tone of his voice changed to a rumble. "There is one possibility, but considering your history, it's probably beyond you."
"I'll try anything."
Death leaned over within an inch of Tony's face. “Really? Can you perform a noble act?”
“How noble?”
“You condemned Jack and the others... Save him and I can arrange a better fate for all of you.”
"Is that possible?" Tony was grasping as much of this as he could.
"Oh yeah, just not probable. You have heard of Orpheus I presume?"
Tony's face dropped. “He went to Hell to save his wife... uh... uh”
Death nodded. “Eurydice, sweet girl. She waits on tables in the Third Circle of Hell”
Tony winced. “Oh... Wow, then he failed”
“Yeah!” Death snorted loudly. "I love tragic endings."
“Do I even have a chance?”
The Reaper shrugged his bony shoulders. “Hell is what you make of it. It's either here, alone in desolation, or save your rival in the worst place of his imagination... Choose now.”
Without hesitation, Tony responded. "I'll do it!"
Death shook his head and grabbed Tony by the hand. "Ok... solitaire is way better."
More Pizza Sir?
Jack was not happy. Not that he had been happy when he was alive, but this place made his pathetic corporeal existence seem cheery by comparison. The afterlife for him was a pizza parlor filled with screaming hell-urchins and punctuated by a horrific robot band adding insipid music to the din.
For the 1750th time since he arrived, an obese demon covered with slime and flies appeared before him. "Would you care for another pizza sir?" A foul drool fell out of its mouth and onto the table before Jack.
"NO", Jack screamed for what seemed to be the millionth time.
"Good", the demon responded and laid a slice of anchovy pizza before him. The anchovies must have been 3 years old from the smell. Each piece was worse than the last. "Would you like more anchovy sauce with that?"
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Jack didn't care for any more.
"Good", the demon ladled a large gooey mass of it on the pizza. It made Jack's stomach turn. "Eat up... there's lots more."
A hell-child turned from the whack-a-sentient machine behind Jack and smacked him several times in the back of the head with the mallet. Jack flailed at the demon but it was always just out of reach. Before he could get up and reap revenge, a large clawed hand grabbed him firmly and held him fast. Another claw grasped the disgusting chunk of pizza before him and stuffed it into his mouth. It was most foul. Ever more so than the last piece.
The robot band stepped up its beat. The horrible cacophony raged, lulling only for an incredibly bad reality show on TV. The terrible premise and delivery made Jack long for the noise.
Damn Tony anyway. He could never be trusted. All his life Jack had only asked one small favor from Tony... for him to die horribly and allow Jack to obtain immortality.
But noooooooo....
Jack had rancid pizza in his nose, on his face and hair. His overstuffed stomach burned in an acidic roil. Great spasms of gas tore his intestines. What could be worse?
"More pizza sir?"
Jack belched.
Hell on less than $10 a day
Hell was not what Tony expected. Not much fire. The brimstone was second rate at best. The gates of Hell were pitiful. The neon sign that announced the neither region was missing several letters so they blinked a miserable "Ga es of ell". The place was in serious disrepair.
"What is this?" Tony was clearly confused.
"Budget cuts!" Exclaimed Death. "Once, this was truly frightening. Hell went into receivership in '01 and it's never been the same."
"So where do I go from here?"
"Beats me... I forgot to get my hand stamped and they won't let me back in." Death returned blandly. "The immigration policy is pretty liberal so you shouldn't have any problem getting inside."
"How do I get out?" It was an important question.
"Now THAT'S a problem." Death looked at his watch. "Gotta go dude. There's another war brewing and I'm the guest of honor, you're on your own."
Death disappeared in a flash of nothing.
Tony gulped. He was having second thoughts about his decision. If the gates were this tacky, the interior of Hell must be positively squalid. He didn't really have any options. With great reserve, Tony crept towards the opening. He looked both ways before entering the realm of the damned. It seemed clear. He crossed the threshold and the gates disappeared behind him. It was evident that his decision was permanent... At least for the moment.
His unannounced arrival did not go unnoticed. In the shadows, large glowing eyes followed his movements. Razor sharp teeth bared, revealing a cavernous maw. Rivers of saliva dripped freely from a gaping mouth. As Tony passed, the demon beast crept behind him.
Tony began to feel a deep dread overcome him. The hair on the back of his neck bristled and he swore he could hear the sound of breathing. He turned around suddenly and realized his worst nightmare -- a monster of frightening proportions. It growled menacingly and approached him breathing 6-foot walls of flame. It's horrible bellows echoed like thunder.
Tony froze. The beast was the most frightening thing he had ever seen. He thought about running, but then it struck him that he could not die. This behemoth, however frightening, could do him no harm... It was in his contract.
With renewed audacity Tony confronted the creature. He picked up a discarded newspaper and rolled it up. He waited for the creature to take in its next breath, then leapt in and smacked it firmly across its jaw. The beast snapped at Tony's hand leaving a large wound that bled profusely. The gash healed in moments but even if Tony couldn't be killed, it sure hurt like the dickens. That really takes the fun out of things. He raised the paper again. This time the animal whimpered and backed off. Apparently, it could be hurt as well.
Tony cautiously approached the creature. It snarled and spewed wisps of fire. Tony was undeterred. He noticed a collar and grabbed it. The beast tried to shake him off, but he held fast. Finally, the monster relented. It licked Tony's face, scalding it with a huge dripping tongue. A large glowing tag hung from a ring on the collar. It read:
Hi My Name is Puddles
If Found, Please Return To
666 N. 6th St.
Inferno, Hell 66666
"Holy frijoles", Tony thought. "This is someone's pet!"
Robbie's Vacation
It had been a very rough day. Robbie had been assigned another war and he labored long and hard into the night to keep up with the task. Spirit upon spirit was escorted from the confines of some rather fragmented and scattered bodies and shown the path to the universe. It was tedious, unheralded work, but Robbie was paid by the soul, so business was good. As soon as the last of the deceased this day were shuffled off, Robbie was going to take a well earned vacation. Being Death was exhausting. He needed some time for himself.
On any given day Robbie handled a large number of whiners, pleaders, dealers and wailers. Why some spiritual beings would go to such levels just to keep some tattered flesh was a complete mystery to him. Some even fought him and tried to claw their way back. Robbie had to drag them aside so they could witness all they were before returning to the soil. For them, it was a most sobering realization. For Robbie... it was a real pain in the ass.
Although this glimpse of the future took but microseconds in Robbie's existence, it still ate into his day and caused him to work well into the night. His list of souls to claim this day was large. His time to claim them was short.
Finally, Robbie had caught up. His first vacation in centuries would start and he would be corporeal. He had plans to use his time as a Skinwalker to yield to sins of the flesh... eating, drinking and lusting. Robbie had read about it all in Life magazine. He thought it could be fun.
Since Death is a 24/7 job, Larry, Robbie's union boss at Death Worker's Local Number 13, was going to fill in for him. Larry was a pretty good Angel, but a bit past his prime. He was once a Knight Templar and was quite familiar with death, but the last war he had worked was in 1097 when the Crusaders took Antioch... a cake walk by comparison.
Robbie didn't dwell on the problem. In three more minutes he would be alive. He was excited about it. It would be his first vacation in the flesh of his prey. Mortals always seemed to have such a good time in it... when they weren't killing each other.
The moment arrived. Larry and Robbie exchanged last minute advice and shook hands. In a shimmer of radiance, Robbie crossed planes of existence. He appeared in a small wooded area, outside of prying eyes. It was amazing. His senses took in the smells, sounds and sights of it all. His skin tingled and the hairs on his arms and back stood up.
He looked down at his body. It was not what he expected. It was chunky with a good deal of flab. He had specifically ordered lean and muscular. The beings in supply screwed up again. Robbie decided not to stress over it. Although not ideal, this body was serviceable for investigating the corporeal realm.
The sensation of walking was most interesting. It took a long time. Robbie was used to thinking about where he should be and just being there. This form of locomotion required tenacity and motivation. He walked briskly out of the woods and found himself in a large graveyard. He smiled and shook his head. You just can't completely escape work, even when you're on vacation.
The cemetery was empty except for one young woman kneeling by a rather pathetic looking little gravestone at the edge of the yard. She seemed to be terribly sad. Robbie fixated on her for a moment. Maybe this was a good time to find out what the survivors of his quarry felt. It could be fun.
Robbie recognized the young lady as he got closer. She was in attendance to one of his recent consignees. It was Linda.
Jack is dead and Tony wins the "prize" of eternity... alone... unless he is able to save his rival from a hellish pizza parlor. Death is taking a long overdue vacation. Don't miss Pt 2.