INTRODUCTION
"Dialogues with strangers can have a lasting, thought-provoking impression on your soul. They have the potential to change you as a person." From a paragraph cited in a brochure in our story
"Relationships on Facebook don't naturally expire as they do in the real world. To unfriend is drastic, used only in the direst of circumstances—like a bad breakup."
Liz Gannes, All Things D-An Internet blog
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Ever have a friend suddenly cut off the relationship?
Consider the year 2011. Think Facebook.
You may well learn some lessons from the characters in this tale set in the virtual environment of this "laugh out loud" online playground.
Discover within what could happen when a nine month Facebook correspondence between a 58 year old man and a 39 year old woman completely complicates their once peaceful lives.
This romantic adventure involves mischievous explorations and risks.
In this I will try to demonstrate how the overwhelming power of an obsession can make a person ignore reason to the point of personal harm. In some respects this may be true for many of us. In a flash our lives could be thrown wildly off kilter because of a relentless obsession. Unfortunately, for my characters, here within, their choices cascade into dilemmas and events both wild and unimaginable to them.
De-friending or "blocking" as it is called on FB, accounts for 2,400 victims a day. Don't believe me? Well you shouldn't. I made that up. However, how many times have you heard about, performed yourself, or been the subject of a blocking? Right? Countless stories are out there. This is one of them. A little tale about the real-life psychological ramifications and impact of such an act.
Steve Evans, married thirty five years, was an unsuspecting FB target of an old acquaintance he hardly could remember. Peggy Irish contacts him and very soon keeps Steve so beguiled, via their FB exchanges using comments, pictures, live chat and eventually even personal e-mailing, that he contemplates purchasing a second cellphone to initiate secret conversations because he desperately wanted to hear her voice. Throughout 2011 and 2012, Steve's reserved nature and Peggy's idealism are severely tested.
His adolescent-like infatuation and numerous flirtations brings him into contact more and more with Peggy's life and her circle of friends.
One day he has to come to grips with the undeniable need to resolve his nagging moral dilemma about his desires and obsession with Peggy because a new and unwanted development occurs.
BLOCKED was inspired by my desire to write about imaginary characters using a contemporary setting and topic that readers could relate to. As I began exploring the many opportunities this combination world of reality and virtual reality offered, I experimented with stretching and sometimes merging the unexpected bizarre fine line I could not ignore that existed between fantasy and fiction. It is my hope to challenge the reader to make their own decisions about the many controversial subjects I've included.
The concept of a Facebook "blocking" became merely a launchpad, or vehicle of sorts, to allow me to expose various other desires in life that can become blocked.
And besides...this tale CONTAINS NUTRIENTS THAT HELP NOURISH THE BRAIN! Enjoy!
Note: I would love feedback. Writing in a vacuum is not the best way. Let me know if the first couple of chapters swept you away or are a struggle to get through. Are they believable? As a total amateur at this I need the input of others to help awaken all the latent elements waiting to be discovered. As I delve into the characters and they tell me what course they want to take, I am along with them on a tale of a much wider scope. Please keep in mind, dear reader, the "total effect principle". Judge this story not for its isolated parts, but by the final effect of the whole piece.
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Chapter One - Contact
Author's Note-
Since writers typically don't just magically come up with ideas from nothing and rather get their ideas from things they see, hear, read about and experience in the real world, I present to you a story inspired by and based loosely on several experiences discovered by this author in his travels.
I guess you could say every story is inspired by a true story. Characters, events, and dialogues herein are products of the author's imagination. It's not what's actually real that ends up on the pages, it's the writer's perception of reality. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental and does not change the purely fictitious nature of this work.
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I go to Facebook every day. I had heard of how some people became blocked by others and wondered about the psychological fallout from such an action.
It all started out innocently enough until…
“You made me love you, I didn't want to do it,I didn't want to do it”
Joseph McCarthy
“How did it come to this? I think about you all the time”
Hodges, McEwan, Underwood
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Adele
“And now I miss a person I never really met”
Steve Evans
THE END OF THE STORY AS OUR BEGINNING
Facebook Entry, May 14, 2012 Today-
Steve Evans MESSAGE:
I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I had no idea. I have only ever wished the best for you. Even though we never got to reunite, I have felt a friendship I will always cherish. Again, I am very sorry if I have hurt you in any way. I will miss your remarkable intelligence, beautiful images and your kindness. I will stop all communications.
Okay, that was supposed to be the end of our story,
but things became a little complicated...
HOW IT ALL STARTED
(14 months earlier)
Facebook Entry, March 31, 2011-
Peggy Irish MESSAGE :
I kept thinking there was something familiar about you, and now I remember. We met a few years back. I was at a dinner at the Double Stonewall in Tuscon, Arizona. It was to honor Franz Scholner of Cactus Nursery/Landscape. We sat at the same table. We went through the standard courteous table intros. You were distracted due to your task to have to introduce the honoree and his family. So we really didn't chat. While you weren't looking, I secretly snapped a couple of pictures of your large turquois and metal bracelet so I could study the image later. I was intrigued by the unusual way it was made and too embarrased to inquire as I felt it was too personal after only just meeting. Incidentally, I was totally, silently, annoyed that all they could provide for you was a plate of steamed vegetables. Not very imaginative. It's possible that that was what you wanted, but to me, it seemed they should have offered you more. I don't remember what anyone else had... not even myself. But I remember THAT. I'm thinking this was fall of 2007. Anyway... hello, again!
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This is the story about how Steve, age 58, a good and faithful husband, married to Sarah, age 56, a good and faithful wife, gradually discovered his mind had become intoxicated by a fever of an overwhelming second adolescence. His passions only increased his ignorance of the fact that he must come to grips with his ridiculous depth of imagined romance and psychological distress. He became obsessed, depressed and miserable, because he never knew he was looking for love…until it found him. Only thing is though, is that it brought about a side of himself that he never dreamed was possible. Frustrated by this rejection from a female "friend" on an internet social network, Steve gets involved in her real life in hopes of winning her affections.
The beautiful mountainous Ponderosa Pine forests and sky islands of Arizona provide the setting for a myriad of dangerous and complicated ethical decisions played out by odd characters encountering surprising plot twists. The story is rife with wonderful messages reminding us to pay attention to the visible and invisible mysteries of how our hearts and our natural environment need respect in order to thrive.
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Peggy Irish March 31, 2011
Okay, it was bothering me, so I went through some disks, looking for pics I took that day. I actually do have those two images of you at the table before you went up. I'll attach them. Not that they're good pics, but I figure you may want to see them.
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And so began a 14 month long Facebook dialogue.
As we pick up the conversations in November 2011, Steve and Peggy continue their dalliance and share more and more of their interests, thoughts and intimate feelings:
Steve Evans November 7
Just wanted to say two things that have been on my mind. Firstly, ever since you reached out and contacted me, my ensuing online experience has been much more fun and interesting. And educational! You've given me a renewed interest and appreciation for all things nature related due to your wildlife photography and getting to know the organizations you help to support. You have a very kind soul.
Second thing...shouldn't we be live chatting right here, right now? 8-) After all it has been 8 months!
Peggy Irish November 7
I can't live chat, as I'm playing Castle Age and trying to hold a phone convo..while reading the news, lol.
Peggy Irish (seconds later)-
Pssst....taptaptap... Is this thing on?
Steve Evans November 7
This is wonderful! I'm extremely honored to live chat with you! I just hope I can type fast and clear enough to keep up the conversations. I know you like your privacy. But I have to confess, I've been hoping to see that green dot every time I log on.
Peggy Irish November 7
I'll only come on when asked.. like I said, I'm usually just popping on for a few minutes.
Steve Evans November 7
Now that I have you live, I wanted to say that I love your red door mirror self-portrait series, and, of course that spectacular close-up of your face wrapped by that cobalt blue knit hat. I think you should go a step further and flop the mirror shots to reveal your true face.
Peggy Irish November 7
I don't really like my face.
Steve Evans November 7
WHAT! I do!!
Peggy Irish November 7
People try to get me to use it for my Profile picture (duh) but I feel it is too narcissistic.
Steve Evans November 7
Oh well, now that can always be debated about all of us on here.
Me, I'm the king of narcissism. I have a new face out there practically everyday. But I don't care. I find it fun; after all, it IS called Facebook, no? Should I go grab a beer? Are we here for awhile?
Peggy Irish November 7
Actually, I'm about to get ready for bed. I have to work in the morning.
Steve Evans
Okay, this has been a real pleasure. I'd love to hear your voice sometime. I can't believe we go back to that event and sat at the same table and you had taken my picture! Thanx for your patience tonight. I won't ask for live chatting all the time. It's really up to you.
Before you go, I'm dying to know more about the circumstances surrounding my favorite image of you, the blue hat portrait. Am I right in thinking it is another self-portrait?
Peggy Irish
Yes. I shot that a couple Februarys ago, as I sat in my Jeep, looking out over the canyon. I just held the camera out and snapped a few shots.You might be able to see some of it reflected in my eyes. Barely.
Steve Evans
I LOVE that image! You have hypnotized me with that one! You also have me looking at Burgundy Jeeps whenever I'm on the road, hoping that you may have been passing thru the area.
Peggy Irish
It's not a "Jeep Jeep", like a Wrangler... it's Grand Cherokee Laredo.
Steve Evans
Hey, I just noticed you have a heart on your finger in one of the red door shots.
Peggy Irish
Yeah. :-)
I did that.
Steve Evans
That is another shot you took that I admire and it showcases your graceful hands
Peggy Irish
I wanted a tattoo that was visible every day, but easily overlooked. I never really liked tattoos. And I knew that would be easily removed, if I ever wanted.
Thank you!
Steve Evans
What did you use?
Peggy Irish
For the heart? I don't think you want to know.. lol
I did that when I was 17. A sewing needle, some thread, a pencil, and India ink.
Steve Evans
Ouch!!!
Thread?
Peggy Irish
No ouch. I didn't feel much when I was that age..hmmm, nowadays I suppose I might've done it with Henna paint.
Okay, yeah so the thread was tightly and neatly wrapped down the needle and back up again..
Then the eye of the sewing needle was pushed into the eraser of a pencil, so the pencil was like a handle..
Dip the needle into the ink, and the thread held it.
I don't recommend this.
Steve Evans
And...then...?
Peggy Irish
And then, stab yourself deep enough for the ink to go under your skin.
Up close anyone would realize it is a self-done tattoo.
It's as imperfect and flawed as the rest of me.
Dumb teenage-ness.
Steve Evans
Don't knock yourself while I'm putting you up on pedestals!
Peggy Irish
I appreciate it, lol.. but I don't belong anywhere near a pedestal.
Thanks so much for the chat! .. and for the very kind words, you're fun. ♥
I do have to go. :)
Steve Evans
(I like the heart...I don't know how to add one, but if I could I'd add two! As I've said, you have a kind soul)
Peggy Irish
To make a heart, use the < character immediately before the number 3. ♥
Steve Evans
♥ ♥
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CHAPTER TWO - Family
Steve Dec. 24: What's up for Christmas day tomorrow? Any plans?
Peggy: Nothing. I will probably sleep late.
Friends are all busy with their families.
And I don't really have family.
I may go take a walk.
Steve:I will be thinking of you as I have been. Is every Christmas similar to tomorrow for you?
Peggy: Pretty much. Sometimes I see friends.. not this time.
I'm sorry.. I'm a little depressed.
Steve: Wanna talk about it?
Peggy: I would like to, but I think it would be selfish. I never like to bring others down when they're happy. It will pass.
Steve: We CAN talk alot if you wish. I'm usually up late anyway.
Peggy: Ok.. give me a minute? I'm going to go grab a beer... against my better judgement. lol
Steve: Yes! I'm working on one now.
Peggy: Ok, back..
I really shouldn't be drinking, because it makes me more emotional.
But whatever.
I'll just get right to it..
I am sad because I have no family. I have people who are related to me, but they are not my FAMILY. I'm so insignificant to them.
This is the time when everyone gathers with those they're close to, and even those they are only mildly friendly with... and I'm not even invited to be with my relatives. I don't get cards from them, no phone calls, emails, nothing. This stupid Facebook allows me to see them all cozy with each other, but not me. Eh, whatever. I should just go to bed.
Steve: Please don't go to bed, I'm "buffering" as the computer says...
Peggy: I'll be more candid..My bro, who has been competing in martial arts for 20 or so years.. always beating everyone, becoming world champion, etc..
Then moving on to something else..
Shmoozing with ladies.. putting on airs..
Putting on a facade, really.
Doing favors for people, giving extravagant gifts, being everyone's best friend..
He treats my mother and me like shit. Excuse my language.
He hasn't sent me a birthday card, Xmas card, whatever, for 20 or so years.
Never answers or returns my calls.
Deletes my emails.
I hide most of my posts from him, because he only comments with negativity, or mocks me in some way. I occasionally let a photo or something slip by my settings.
I have him hidden, because he is always posting things that he knows I'll find offensive or insulting.
He follows my comments on public pages, and comments in an antagonizing way.
I could go on.
I really shouldn't.
My cousin wrote on his wall, something like... "Merry Christmas, dear cousin! I hope to someday enjoy spending Christmas with you!" but no similar remark to me.
My brother has a house full of friends from across the country come and spend the holidays with him each year.
I never get invited. To even suggest that he come here and say hello to his own mother is laughable.
My mother worships the ground he walks on. She went to visit him for the first time, a year ago..
She was SO excited.
He kept calling me (the only time he ever did), just to complain about her.
He put her on a train two days early, and sent her home.
She was heartbroken. And all my brothers "groupies" think he's such a great guy.
I'm going to be totally honest with you..
I may be a lousy person for saying this, but... it makes me sick to my stomach that my brother has so many friends over, having a great time, when he is a complete phoney.
Phony? I don't know how to spell that.
And for the icing on the cake.. he has posted pics of all the food he serves everyone..
Beef this, chicken that, bacon wrapped shrimp, bacon wrapped hot dogs, and an array of dead animals..
Do you regret asking me to talk about this? LOL
Steve: Okay, where does he live so I can beat the living shit outta him? Only kidding
Peggy: I really could go on, but I've said enough. Steve, I think I am a good person.
I try to take care of my mother because it is the right thing to do. I don't kiss anyone's ass or put on a fake mask to appear anyway other than I am.
But my cousins all worship my bro.
They think he's great.
I'm the weirdo.
Steve: Listen...he's out of the equation as far as I can tell...you're doing the work of compassionate care and he is just a player.
Peggy: I realize I've been imbibing, but let me just say here that I feel that at least I have honor and some integrity. You know, a sense of loyalty.
He is my only sibling. When I was a kid, he was my best friend. My world.
Steve: Peggy, life is REALLY just TOO SHORT, this is YOUR life. You have to move on. There is something better for you.
Peggy: He really couldn't care less if I dropped dead.
Well, I usually don't think about it. But today, it was right there. In my face.
It's Christmas, you know? If you don't have family, what do you have?
Steve: I want to put my arms around you
Peggy: Thanks.And thanks for listening (reading, lol).It really has helped, just to get it out.
Steve: You have to move on.
Peggy: Please, enjoy your Christmas. I hope it's with family. It's late. I should probably get going so I could get some sleep. I'm getting a headache.
Steve: Remember the Beatles song, I Want to Hold Your Hand?....I want to...♥ good night hon
Peggy: Goodnight, Steve.Have a great Christmas!
Steve: You too...I can't wait to meet you.We can talk more.
Peggy: Yeah. Goodnight...
I hope you and your family have a very merry Christmas! 
hugs
>><<
Steve was becoming something new...flattered by his own flirtations. So much so that he hadn't noticed they were never returned in any of the exchanges. This increasing admiration he felt for Peggy, blinded him from the reality of the situation. The thought of sharing emotions with a stranger, late into the night, using text as if it were whispers, and he shrouded in the glow of a monitor's light, started to make him feel like on some level he was betraying Sarah. He liked to remind himself that technically it was not cheating.
His outpourings of affection were spurned on by Peggy's sadness and what definitely seemed like genuine loneliness, her Mona Lisa non-smile in every image she posted. Hell, she listed herself as "in a relationship". Shouldn't she be happy about that?
She once confessed to him that she suffers from Panic Disorders and sent him a link to read up on it. But it was her amazing eyes, soft-jaw, sultry looks, reminding him of that talented singer from Texas, Carolyn Wonderland, which made it extremely difficult to give up on her no matter what disorder she may have.
He pondered often the consequences of actually one day professing his growing fondness, admiration, love for Peggy to her. He wasn't sure, but above all, never would he want it to back-fire and lose her friendship. Instead he used frequent flirtations as a way to avoid his passionate feelings for her. Or did he, he mused? He knew her responses were always well thought out and calculated and articulated extremely wisely. He began to explore their past chats on Facebook. He also perused old e-mails. Surprisingly, her responses usually were sober and almost robotic. However, once she did say, "You're fun!"
>><<
Steve Dec. 25: Merry Christmas Peggy! I hope your day will be filled with everything you wish for to make you happy! BTW-I may have been a bit under the influence of the alcohol last nite. Don't mean to be so annoying. Hope you can free your mind enough to think of all the gifts and talents you have in your life.
Steve was afraid she might harm herself. He read somewhere that people with her condition became so terrified that they sought to end the panic themselves.
Peggy December 25, 2011:
We both had drinks, last night. No biggie. I do apologize for dumping on you. Things that I usually shrug off become important this time of year. It's the typical scenario... it's why people get "the holiday blues".
Thanks for the kind words. And just the kindness, in general. Merry Christmas, Steve
Steve Dec. 25 e-mail 3:42 a.m.: Peggy, Sleep is dying-to-the-the-day...so I'm up. No, really, I wish you weren't sleeping...I really miss you. I want to make it all right for you. Do you want to share more?
Listen, you are a gorgeous, hard-working gal, and should be proud of your accomplishments. The move you made to veganism is monumental, as I know first hand very closely. That move was a sacrifice, such as the many you make for all the assistance you give your mom.
Don't give your brother so much importance... he has obviously slacked in sharing duties with mom, and it is the way it will be. So that isn't going to change. Focus on your life. What you do and share with her will be a part of your soul forever. He can never match it. She will always know that. Be at peace with your relationship with her...forget him.
OMG-tell me if I'm rambling...
Where in the hell is there a middle ground place in the 40 miles where we can meet over coffee/tea?
You know, "You had me from hello!" So... Okay, I know I get inappropriate at times...but we're in an e-mail here.
Should we share cell #'s to continue? (Wait, did I just ask that after 3 bottles of beer?) Yes, I did, but that is because I'd love to hear your voice, as I have already said.
Merry Everyday,
Love- Steve
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CHAPTER THREE - Pain
Steve e-mail Dec. 26 2:53 p.m.: I just read the last e-mail I sent you. I'm sorry, but asking for a cell# was inappropriate on my part (the alcohol influences again). Strike that request. Invasion of privacy I'm sure. Missing your texts, me
Peggy e-mail Dec 26 8:51 p.m. Again, I apologize for getting so heavy the night before last. I'm prone to let things get to me, sometimes. Forget I said any of it.
I'm not really in the mood to socialize with anyone.. just want to do some reading and have a bit of quiet time. Hope you had a great Christmas!
>><<
Peggy Irish, e-mail Dec. 27 10:19 p.m.: Would you still like to exchange cell numbers?
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Steve, e-mail Dec. 28 7:40 a.m.: (Sipping his first cup of coffee and suddenly thrown into deep introspection!)
Wow, I didn't expect that invitation! The idea of it really pleases me. I'm very grateful for your offer to reach out more personally.
Bottom line though-I don't know...I worry things can become complicated. Of course I'd love to hear your voice in a spontaneous exchange as I've mentioned before. I think now, though, that I should save that treat for when we find ourselves at someevent we both can plan to attend. Too bad we live 40 miles apart. I can't believe I'm saying all this because I know deep inside I want to say yes. The truth is...and I've thought this through seriously-
certain circumstances factor-in to a new phase, such as this, and would be for me...for us, well, certainly a kind of awkwardness, for one. I leave my phone in all sorts of places here at home and......well....I don't know. Do you get what I mean?me
P.S. I want you to know, I have enjoyed every single one of our exchanges. All of them. Perhaps e-mails get close to a phone call and would be best.
Your thoughts?... <3
>><<
Peggy, e-mail Dec. 28 2:15 p.m.: I'm sorry. I thought we were friends now, and thought it would be nice to talk on the phone instead of typing all the time. It didn't occur to me that anything about that would cause awkwardness in your home. I certainly don't want that. I understand.
Steve, e-mail Dec. 28 2:37 p.m.: I love...that you wrote "I understand" at the end, cause I needed that. Of course we are friends and I apologize if I have created a rollercoaster ride of mixed emotional messages. I definitely want to talk live and I know it would be very nice. I know it would perhaps even be often. However, because it just might be often, I don't know how well received it might be with Sarah being aware of frequent exchanges occurring (the awkwardness factor). Even though they would be innocent enough, just talking about our shared interests. Oh God...I'm such a jerk. sighing heavily
Ever since you contacted me in March, I have felt a real fondness for you. There's something about you. Something wonderful. Meeting as friends would be terrific and just what I originally had hoped for. Of course, this is all coming out of MY head.
I really need a super quick response from you on this, as all of this is totally out of character for me, driving me nuts and I certainly don't want to hurt or spoil this growing relationship as I am now quite anxious to keep it alive.Teach me how to photograph birds!...and I'll share my secret and awesome vegan recipes with you!
TTYS I hope!
me
All emails:
Peggy e-mail Wed. Dec. 28: I don't know how to photograph birds more than any other person with a camera... except that I have a deep interest in them. I feel more connected to wildlife than to humans, so staying focused (with both my brain and my camera) just happens for me. :-) I count birds in my yard for Project FeederWatch. I think Sweetbriar Nature Center in Smithville has butterflies, as well. You could try birding there and possibly get some opportunities to capture great shots. BTW, FYI - As a child I walked with my grandparents over much of Normandie and some of Bretagne. Truly beautiful places with awesome birds and butterflies as well. Possibly how I developed an interest in them.
Steve e-mail Wed. Dec. 28: Wow, you do get around! You are a nice, compassionate person and I admire you for that. Wanna chat?
From FB: "Peggy has not received your last poke yet, because Peggy has not logged in since the poke."
>><<
Steve e-mail - Tue, 17 Jan 2012 7:28 p.m. Peggy, I just realized in one of my e-mails to you I listed all but my home phone. Call us at anytime. 608-354-3720. I'd love to discuss your struggle with vegetarianism, and other areas e.g. photography, cats, birds, music, books, movies, beer, ...anything!
Steve
Peggy e-mail 17 Jan 2012 9:00 p.m.
Thank you, Steve. :-)
Maybe I'll give you a ring sometime this weekend?
>><<
Peggy never does and so two days later, by e-mail-
>><<
Steve e-mail 18 Jan 2012 10:16 a.m.: Peggy, do you play an instrument?
>><<
Peggy e-mail Jan. 27 2012 10:35 a.m.: I play guitar. Not well, as I am self taught, and have only been playing for a few years. I also play recorder. Go ahead and laugh, most people do! It really is a beautiful instrument, and not just for children. I play it rather well, but only by ear. I can't read music. Do you play an instrument?
Steve e-mail Jan. 27 11:10 a.m.: When I was in high school I went for lessons for classical guitar. You know, Segovia, and such. This old guy taught me to read sheet music. Okay, I got the sheet music part down, but instead just found my own rhythm and bought my own, Dylan and Eagles sheet music, and jammed with my friends. I also have bongos, tambourines, and harmonicas that help to lift my spirits. Are you Twittering alot? I sent you a "tweet" awhile ago. And where is your bird blog? I'd love to see it. I hope you are adding all your wonderful images to it. Hey, do you like perfume?
Peggy e-mail Jan. 27 11:17 a.m.: I don't wear perfume or cologne, because I find them too strong and often get headaches as a result. But I do wear an eau de toilette, which is much lighter and less offensive.I tend to like simple fragrances that don't have too many different "layers". I'm more into a basic tea rose scent, for instance. The brand, Tea Rose label says it contains bergamot, rose, and lily. The middle notes are listed as tuberose, jasmine, and cedar while the base of the fragrance is amber, rosewood, and sandalwood. Did I say “simple and basic” and not too many layers? Wow! Yes, I love my Tea Rose! :-) Bottom line- it smells like vintage roses. I've read that it is also considered unisex!
Steve e-mail Jan. 27 11:29 a.m.: Hey, you know, you're cute! You are becoming a precious friend who is dear to me.
Peggy e-mail Jan. 27 11:31 a.m.: Merci beaucoup, mon ami! - the feeling is mutual. :-)
>><<
Steve Evans e-mail February 10, 2012
I have not really corresponded with you since Jan. 27 and am concerned I might have offended you in some way. ..so I'm sending meaculpas with this note if they will help.
Peggy Irish e-mail February 10, 2012
You haven't offended me. All is well.
Steve e-mail February 10, 2012
Phew, that's good! I'd be lying if I said your absence wasn't noticed. Since you reached out to me in March 2011 I have come to enjoy our friendship, conversations and pictures of you and by you. I'd very much like to continue exploring that enchanted country of your mind. From an essay by Robert Louis Stevenson, "Talk is an instrument of friendship; it brings about a sense of joint discovery...I am I and You are You." Wonderful thoughts don't you think?
>><<
Steve e-mail February 14
Happy Valentine's Day Peggy (from your (non-secret) secret admirer who thinks about you alot,… me...oops!) ♥ ;-)
Just wanted to mention that your tenderness and charm shows greatly in your images…your enchanting portraits with their economy of content cropped just so…and stardust in your beautiful long, wavy brown hair mezmerizes me. ;-)
Steve researched Tea Rose online and considered purchasing and sending directly to Peggy the largest he could find. Then he said to himself, "Isn't that going a bit too far?" The e-mail message would have to suffice. "I'm going nuts," he thought.
Peggy e-mail: I drive a burgundy Jeep with a Sea Shepard sticker on the back window, just so you can be on the lookout, next time we are in each other's neighborhoods.
Steve e-mail: Not only are you a magical photographer, but a really cool person too!
>><<
Steve e-mail February 23
But will I ever, in my wildest dreams, get to meet you or even just talk live on the phone? I really don't bite humans. And I really have felt bad/rude/paranoid/dumb ever since I balked at exchanging cell #'s. So here is my work # instead, 608-421-1377.
>><<
Steve e-mail Mar. 1: Was listening real close to the words of Train's song, "Drops of Jupiter" while watching their video on YouTube, and discovered these lines. Thought it kind of ironic since we had recently discussed the Starbuck's latte you had:
"Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?" Well, there must be a vegetarian in
that group!
>><<
Steve e-mail April 10
Are you getting all these messages? I feel like I'm invisible.
Peggy e-mail April 10
Yes, and thank you! I don't check my messages everyday.
>><<
Steve e-mail April 19
I'm at my work # for the next couple of hours to chat if you wish.… just would love to reconnect. FB isn't the same without you to talk to.
>><<
Steve e-mail April 20:
Hi Peggy,
I seem to think from your FB comments that perhaps lately things haven't been so good for my favorite super creative vegetarian wildlife photographer. It seems that you may have had surgery and are on meds that have changed your taste buds too!
I realize you don't check your FB messages that often (and, of course I always leave you thousands!), so perhaps when you get a chance, I'd love to hear from you by e-mail. Is there anything I can do?
Your friend ,
Steve
>><<
Steve e-mail April 21:
Just want to repeat the comment I left under your fabulous forest photo last December: "You have the courage to find the true and the beautiful and share it generously with the world. The marriage of your images and quotes is profound. Nice work!
>><<
Steve e-mail Apr 25:
Hello? Peggy?
Peggy, if I have said anything or done anything to hurt you, I sincerely apologize. I know I communicate too often, so perhaps I have become a pest. Please just let me know and I'll deal with it.
I just feel that ever since I balked at giving you my cell number a couple of months ago that you have been very brief with your comments. I think of you as a friend and have greatly appreciated our correspondence. Through you I have learned to appreciate and respect all of nature more than ever. Heck, I find myself staring at birds and their various activities, whereas in the recent past I wouldn't look at any of them for more than a few seconds. Now I try to understand them and admire the beauty in even the common sparrow.
And so, with this e-mail, I'm hoping to see if you will at least respond and let me know how I stand as a friend...or not. I've enjoyed all our "talks" and seeing your work on Facebook....and I have been totally happy that you found me. I would hope that we could continue as friends.
Steve e-mail April 25: “You never said good bye” - I just don't understand. Can you give me a clue? me
>><<
Steve e-mail April 26: I feel invisible again. How the heck ARE you!?
>><<
May 14, e-mail message from Peggy Irish:
Please stop emailing me. I blocked you on Facebook. I stopped all contact with you, yet you persist. It really ought to be clear by now that I do not want to be communicating with you. You have made me extremely uncomfortable.
Just stop.
>><<
Steve instantly began a sweat and found his fingers frozen hovering over the keyboard. He read it again, " I am blocking you on FB. I no longer want to communicate with you.You have made me extremely uncomfortable."
Steve stared in disbelief. No, this isn't possible. He quickly logged on to Facebook
Facebook Entry, May 14, 2012 Steve Evans to Peggy Irish PRIVATE MESSAGE:
Fearing he may have triggered another of her her panic disorders, and worried that somehow he might be responsible for any harm she might do to herself, his first response was to write:
"I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I had no idea. I have only ever wished the best for you. Even though we never got to reunite, I have felt a friendship I will always cherish. Again, I am very sorry if I have hurt you in any way. I will miss your remarkable intelligence, beautiful images and your kindness. I will stop all communications."
He clicked Enter to send it.
FACEBOOK: You can no longer message Peggy Irish. Learn more.
>><<
Facebook had no result for her name. She was gone. He was truly blocked.
Tossing in bed later that night he realized this person meant a lot to him. But what could he have said? Perhaps he became too nagging with all of his requests for a response. He only knew about her existence for a mere 14 months and yet he became fascinated with everything he learned about her. Those months felt like years of correspondence and shared feelings and thoughts. This action of hers was curiously disturbing to him. He got a quick tinge of excitement remembering he has her e-mail address, yet, just as quickly he felt he must respect her wishes and let her go.
He went over the things he knew. She is 39. Single. Living with her mom who relies on her for help. Works in Accounting somewhere. Never revealed her place of work. Has two cats and a rabbit. Plays guitar and recorder. Challenged him often in FB Scrabble and ALWAYS won. Describes herself as "a vegetarian, atheist, musician, birder, wildlife rehabber. Nice person. :-)" Loves photography and Tea Rose Eau de Toilette. Performs bird counts for a national organization. She created her own DIY Etsy-like, on-line custom jewelry business called "Beautiful Emma Stones", being a nod to Arizona native and actress, Emma Stone, as well as her Grandmother, Emma Longstreet Parker who inspired Peggy when she was small, watching her Grandmother create stunning handmade sequined gowns for high society folks. A large portion of Peggy's proceeds goes directly to organizations that help abused, neglected animals.
Even though her mom and dad are alive, as well as a brother; at Christmastime she is neglected. She has said, essentially, she has no family. Ironically, he read in a FB comment she made to someone, that she swore that she would never have children.
To Steve she appeared extremely talented and extremely sad. Her bouts of panic made her afraid of new people. They weren't to be trusted until a long, slow process of consideration and familiarization. She always had to give a tremendous amount of thought and analysis to the possibility of being somewhere where she could not control the outcome. Like a woodland bird, if you came too close, a startle response would be triggered. Once startled, the bird is unlikely to allow you within range again.
>>>>>><<<<<<
“Could you shut the window?” Sarah asked from the depths of her pillow. His wife's voice shattered his stream of thought so abruptly, he felt a sudden pang of childish guilt, like sneaking cookies from the jar of childhood. Sarah was totally unaware of his somewhat flirtatious correspondence with Peggy.He just felt it was better that way. Peggy was his FB "friend" just like any other. They were as physically close as a fingertip on a plastic keyboard. There was a kind of thrill in keeping it private. Besides, Sarah had her own friends as well. He never pried about them.
“No prob.” Steve mumbled as he got up to pull down the sash. As he reached he noticed his hands bathed in the soft blue moonlight permeating throughout the bedroom. This gave an eerie feeling while thinking about Peggy alone somewhere calling for wolves or birds in her neighboring fields. She often said she could communicate with them.
“Steve!” Sarah's voice cut a sharp slice into his thinking. “What's taking so long? Get back to bed already.” Before he could respond, he froze into a state of momentary paralysis. This is the pang of mental injury which also sends Peggy into non-action when faced with decisions. The kind of decisions that weigh the consequences of risk. With the birds, cats, foxes, wolves, she could move effortlessly among thousands of consequences which could suffer any or all of them together through a myriad of life or death trials.
“Steve!!”
“Okay, I'm coming.”
Sarah turned over, with a determined half-roll, snapping sheets up around her neck. Steve could only think about Peggy and his loss and what an amazing person she was. But he could not help inquiring of his own mind as to what kind of person he really was as well. Why should he miss her so much? He is completely happy with his life and loves his wife. But Peggy was a new, enchanting mystery, calling herself, The Dryad (forest nymph). His fascinations were endless, but he knew he must cut deeper into his own motives. After all, he is 19 years her senior. Okay, so her talents and kindnesses were remarkable. He couldn't really explain it to himself and so became more ashamed that he allowed himself to let admiration become a kind of love. He closed his eyes to try to sleep and heard himself saying, "I miss you...don't do this to me...don't reject me."
>>>>><<<<<
LIFE AFTER BEING BLOCKED
Typing her name still brought zero results. He will not be able to see her images or comments unless she un-blocks him. How likely that was he had no idea. Only a hope that she would miss his chat enough to realize she made a mistake. He could only hope, and type her name in everyday. Every hour, or more.
This situation almost seemed as though it was all a cruel joke. Maybe other “Steves” had been duped into admiring this talented nymph and dropped at the slightest whim.
Oddly enough, the hurt of this new darkness was slowly making things brighter now. He was gaining a new clarity about himself and all of his personal relationships. Who are the ones who care? Who are the ones that matter? Who are the ones that show compassion?
He didn't know why it happened, it just happened somehow. He couldn't understand what he was feeling. Couldn't grasp if this was a life-changer. He simply became obsessed and desperate to meet her. See her stand near him. Smell her tea rose scented skin.
"If I could pass this point and go beyond the pain;
If I could just pass this point
And do away with this pain,
I know I'll go forward smiling
Instead of going insane.” Steve Evans
>><<
Steve began to wonder what really did matter to him. This was a new kind of hurt. He had never been so bluntly discarded before. He couldn't help himself; he looked for her every time he logged on.
Every time. Every day
Although he barely remembered meeting her in 2007, after months of staring at her face on her FB Photos Gallery daily, he now felt her presence intimately. Her FB images, when they were not of flora, and dryad-related forest scenes, were always mysterious, almost sad, close-ups of her beautiful face. Self-portraits, mostly in mirrors. Many times in mirrors. With a soft, almost imperceptible smile and a stare as though looking way into the future. And looking with her one eye of green and the other iris blue. Now, whenever he caught a glimpse of a female with beautiful long and wavy chestnut colored hair, he hoped it would be her. If it wasn't, he found that he could transfo