Empty nest is a term all parents face with mixed feelings. On one hand, the term itself makes a laughable mental image. There is dread, worry, fear, excitement, anxiety, accomplishment, and a whole grab bag of terrifying and intermixed feelings swirling around and combining into a confusing jumble. I spent years both before and after dealing with my feelings on being an empty nester. Here are my thoughts on the matter, and a few tips with how to cope.
Early on, as my kids began to grow up, I would at times think longingly of being an empty nester. This sounds terrible, but I believe it is very natural. I love my kids to death, but it is completely normal to look forward to a day when they are their own adults, self-reliant, and can be treated as an equal. That is the whole goal we aim toward as parents; to make a smart, functioning, happy individual out of our children. So it is only natural that we at times think longingly of our children becoming full adults and ourselves as empty nesters.
Of course, there is a mildly selfish twinge to those feelings as well. It is a simple fact that our children take up much of our time, thoughts, and vital energy. They are, quite often, the center of our lives. And sometimes it is great to fantasize about a time when we can devote some of that energy back to ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with that. Despite these feelings however, dependence cuts both ways.
As a mother, it is hard to let our children grow up. This is conflicting with what I said before, but of course that’s what emotions are all about. They aren’t rational, by very definition. Because our children depend so very much on us, the nurturing becomes ingrained. As they get older it is hard to adjust with them. And this is, in my opinion, a good thing. Because, as I always tell my children, they’re better off having a mother that coddles them than an uncaring mother.
Whether you adjust to it or not, though, the simple fact is that they will, in time, grow up and move out. Leaving you a surprised and ill-prepared empty nester. No matter what kind of mother/parent you are, having your children leave home is hard to deal with. Here are some methods that helped me cope with the sudden whirlwind of feelings.
First, I had to relearn how to spend time with my significant other. Even though we were always amazingly close, the kids still often acted as a buffer between us. We didn’t realize how much until suddenly they were no longer there. This is a great diversion from dwelling on the suddenly quiet home. Devote time to your spouse and your time spent together. You both knew this day would come, and probably even talked about how it would be nice to have time to spend together. Well, now is that time!
Second, I poured my energy into hobbies. I’ve always been an avid Halloween fan, and love reading spooky stories and anything with any correlation to Halloween. So, I started reading and rereading all sorts of books. Then, when I found I still had more energy than I knew what to do with, I started a blog. That’s not to say that everyone should go out and start a blog, but it has been an amazing way to help with those pangs of sadness and loneliness when I think about my kids being gone and away. Find something you’re passionate about, and allow yourself to explore it.
Third, I stayed in close contact with my children. Although most people say to give their children space when they first leave home, this just didn’t work for me. I found that by staying regularly updated (which isn’t to say I’m intruding in their lives), and having them share what they felt comfortable with, I wasn’t nearly as driven to distraction with anxiety and worry. When I knew what was going on in their lives, that they were still happy, and they were adjusting well I felt comfortable enough to adjust as well. Of course, worry is a part of motherhood, so I couldn’t avoid it altogether. But talking consistently with my children certainly helped.
Finally, allow yourself time and patience to make the adjustment. The more you think and worry about everything, the harder it will be. They say time heals all wounds, and while that may not be entirely true, it does hold some wisdom. There will be times when you’re frustrated with yourself, the situation, and almost certainly your children. But be patient. It’s not an easy transition time for anyone, and you don’t do anyone any favors by working yourself up. Again, take this with a grain of salt as it is a mother’s job to worry about her children.
Having your children grow up and leave home is hard. Facing an empty nest and adjusting to the transition and new stage in both your lives will take time, commitment, and energy. There will be days of frustration, anxiety, worry, remorse, and loneliness. But there will also be days of satisfaction, accomplishment, pride, and happiness. It is a mixed bag, and requires change on both sides. It will, unavoidably, leave a bit of a void in your life. But this is a time to celebrate as well. A time to spend selfishly on yourself, your hobbies and your husband/significant other. I hope hearing my thoughts and experiences helped, and that you adjust as smoothly as you can.
This article was written by Emma Rae Curtis. Emma loves to research and write about all things Halloween, including funny costumes, makeup, parties, and parenting.
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Recommended Reading
For more information and advice, take a look at the following books:
Empty Nest: 31 Parents Tell the Truth About Relationships, Love, and Freedom
Empty Nesters: 101 Stories about Surviving and Thriving When the Kids Leave Home
A Guide to the Empty Nest: Discovering New Purpose, Passion & Your Next Great Adventure
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