Head. Bang. On. Desk.
Thought I’d go ahead and get that out of the way before proceeding. You may want to do likewise. Go ahead and bang your head on your desk (or any nearby hard surface if you’re reading this on a tablet) while you’re calm and can control the momentum.
Okay, good.
Now, let me begin this post by quickly reviewing how The Anointed react when one of their Grand Plans fails: they never, ever blame the plan. The plan was, of course, brilliant and should have worked … after all, it was designed by The Anointed. So if the plan fails, it can only mean that:
People didn’t implement the plan correctly because they’re stupid
People undermined the plan because they’re evil
The plan didn’t go far enough
The USDA’s Grand Plan to improve the nation’s health by telling us what to eat began with the Food Pyramid – you know, base your diet on 6-11 servings per day of grains, cut way back on fats, switch to vegetable oils, etc. Strangely, the launching of the Grand Plan coincided with a decades-long rise in rates of obesity and diabetes. So the USDA reached the only logical conclusion: the Food Pyramid must be too complicated. In other words, people didn’t follow it correctly because they’re stupid.
So the USDA took pretty much exactly the same dietary advice and repackaged it as MyPlate. Much simpler, you see, because it’s shaped like a plate. All the stupid people have to do is put grains on the brown section of the plate marked “grains,” vegetables on the green section marked “vegetables,” etc.
The “protein” section of MyPlate is purple, which I admit might be a problem. Stupid people could end up wandering all over the store looking for purple foods, then end up eating unpeeled eggplants for protein. In fact, the USDA appears to have zeroed in on grocery-shopping as the weak link in the whole plan. After all, how are you supposed to properly fill all the sections of your MyPlate at home if you didn’t buy the correct foods in the first place?
Never fear … The Anointed at the USDA have a new plan to help the stupid people fill their shopping carts with MyPlate-approved foods. Here are some quotes from an article in the U.K. Daily Mail:
Talking shopping carts, free movie tickets and supermarket cooking classes are just a few of the latest recommendations the government is proposing to trim America’s waistband.
The new proposals were detailed in an 80-page report released this month by the U.S. Department of Agriculture and is focused on the 42 million Americans receiving food stamps.
The problem isn’t that 42 million Americans are receiving food stamps, you see. Nope, the problem is that they’re buying the wrong foods. So we need talking shopping carts to tell them what to buy while they’re buying. Can’t trust them to remember all that good USDA advice once they get past the greeter in the big-box store.
The new recommendations are designed to reward healthy eating and change supermarket layouts and programs to highlight more nutritional foods.
A shopping cart telling you what to buy and a reward if you comply … if you didn’t already believe The Anointed in government view people who don’t follow their advice as ignorant children, this should convince you.
‘Most Americans, including Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) participants, do not purchase enough whole grains, dark green and orange vegetables, and legumes, and purchase too many items with excess calories from fats and added sugars,’ the report said.
The USDA first recommends that SNAP shoppers be rewarded for their healthy food choices with movie tickets or discounts.
And if that doesn’t work, we’ll threaten them with a spanking.
So let’s see … first we have the taxpayers pony up for food stamps, then we have them pony up for movie tickets if the people on food stamps buy foods approved by The Anointed. Meanwhile, we’re $17 trillion in debt. Is this a great country or what?
At least by offering bribes, The Anointed have indicated that they don’t believe everyone buying the (ahem) wrong foods is stupid. Some of them are just mildly evil — gluttonous, undisciplined, whatever you want to call it — and are therefore willing to buy vegetables and whole grains if there’s a reward in it. So let’s give them free tickets to a movie theater. It’s not as if they’d buy a big tub of popcorn and a Coke or anything.
These so-called ‘MyCarts’ will be color-coded and physically divided by differently healthy food groups and notify when the shopper has enough to qualify for a reward.
‘You achieved a MyCart healthy shopping basket!’ it will say.
Well, that is inspiring. Perhaps the cart can also print out little smiley-face stickers for the shoppers to stick on their report cards.
Other recommendations detailed in the report cooking classes held in grocery stores and employees who would act as ‘ambassadors’ to explain the different rewards programs.
‘In this role, floor staff has the ability to re-direct consumer purchase towards more healthful choices by explaining the incentive or the nutrition labeling system,’ the report said.
I see. So if an electronic nanny doesn’t convince people to buy more whole grains, we’ll go with the human touch.
The USDA hopes to implement these programs in order to ‘change the choice architecture of the food retail environment’.
Allow me to interpret that: The Anointed don’t like the choices people are making, so now they’re considering a big, stupid, expensive program to change the “choice architecture.”
How expensive? Glad you asked. Here’s the headline for article:
Will grocery stores be forced to install $30,000 talking carts that help shoppers make better food choices?
Forced? Nawww, The Anointed would never use force to implement a new “choice architecture.” All those Americans over age 50 who are now buying expensive insurance policies that cover infertility and maternity really wanted that extra coverage.
The headline gives the impression that the MyCart carts would cost $30,000 each. That’s not true. The report estimates that as the average cost to each grocery store. (And we all know how accurate government cost estimates are.) I know that because I read some of the USDA report. I read some of the USDA report because this Grand Plan is so absurd – even for The Anointed – I thought the article must be a joke.
Nope. It’s real. Like I’ve said before, it’s difficult to separate comedy from reality when The Anointed in government start cooking up Grand Plans.
Now if you’ll excuse me, one head-bang on my desk wasn’t enough.