As the holidays continue, the Barclays Premier League festive fixture list is in full swing. Teams will have played four games between Dec. 21 and New Year’s Day. The matches come fast and managers across the land will be hoping for a Christmas miracle or three to steady the ship at their respective clubs.
With that in mind, here is a Christmas wish list for each team.
Arsenal: A babysitter
Jack Wilshere is a brilliant footballer and has been rightly hailed as the future creative hub for Arsenal and England. He does, however, struggle for maturity on occasion. He’s been pictured smoking, suspended for giving the middle finger to Manchester City fans and even found time to feud with national hero Kevin Pietersen. A babysitter could do a world of good for the midfielder.
Aston Villa: The best motivational speaker they can afford
Christian Benteke has been woefully out of form lately with his last goal coming in a 2-1 loss against Newcastle in September. Worryingly for Aston Villa fans, he looks more uninterested as the matches pass and is being outshone by another big, physically imposing Belgian striker in the league. A motivational speaker could do wonders for the former Genk poacher.
Cardiff City: Ritalin for Vincent Tan
Malky Mackay guided Cardiff to promotion and under his stewardship the Welsh club has looked solid this season in the Premier League. Tan emailed Mackay a list of grievances last week that included complaints about results, his playing style and signings. Mackay is rated highly by his players, peers, and pundits. Perhaps some Ritalin to distract Tan as his finger reaches for the trigger.
Chelsea: Didier Drogba
How fitting is it that Chelsea has drawn Galatasaray in the Champions League? Drogba plundered 157 goals for Chelsea after being bought by Jose Mourinho. In fact, wouldn’t he be the perfect addition to Mourinho’s band of young, beautiful eggs?
Crystal Palace: Wilfried Zaha
Marouane Chamakh and Barry Bannan have been reborn under Tony Pulis as Palace is beginning to pick up points and self-belief. The return of a certain prodigal son could take this group to the next level and Wilfried Zaha has seen little to no game time at Manchester United. If he isn’t going to play for the champions it surely makes sense to loan him out. It makes even more sense to pick a team that he’s going to be completely comfortable in as well. Now, Wilfried, hoof it up to Chamakh and let’s get on with it.
Everton: The best lawyer money can buy
Everton’s charge to the top of the table is being led by loanees. Romelu Lukaku, Gareth Barry and Gerard Deulofeu are all owned by other clubs. Everything is fine on Merseyside – for now – but it’s going to be sad to see these players all leave in the summer. Perhaps a really great lawyer – one adept at contract law – could solve this problem.
Fulham: A retreat
Fulham shouldn’t be in the drop zone. Their roster isn’t bereft of quality in most positions and they often play like a group of individuals rather than a team. What better way to enhance spirit and togetherness than a retreat? Just picture it; Dimitar Berbatov and Adel Taarabt exchanging stories by a campfire. Sign me up.
Hull City: Recognition for their on-field performances
The Hull City ‘whatevers’ were tipped for relegation but comfortably sit above the drop zone. Their owner has made headlines off the pitch for lobbying to have the team’s name changed. On the pitch, however, the team continues to win. Tactical revolutionary Steve Bruce made wing-backs cool again by implementing 3-5-2 formation. Let’s give them the recognition they deserve.
Liverpool: A cryogenic tank
With Steven Gerrard and Daniel Sturridge injured, Luis Suarez is singlehandedly (well, almost) leading Liverpool’s title challenge. No disrespect to Jordan Henderson, of course. Suarez’s weekly heroics are becoming the stuff of legend. Liverpool can ill afford to lose him for an extended period of time. A cryogenic tank to keep him fresh and healthy between matches should do the trick.
Manchester City: A bulk supply of Gravol
City has crushed every visitor to the Etihad stadium this year but has lost against Sunderland and Aston Villa away from home. The disparity between their home and away performances is astonishing; something has to give. Manuel Pellegrini’s team are, quite simply, horrible travelers. Perhaps some Gravol to ease the pre-bus ride tensions?
Manchester United: Roy Keane
Keane would improve the dressing room in many ways. First, he would probably scare the living daylight out of a group of players who won the title at a canter (11 points!) last season. Second, he could still probably lace up his cleats and provide the midfield presence that David Moyes’ group sorely lacks.
Newcastle United: Reverse media plan to include Joe Kinnear
Much has been made of Newcastle’s plan to charge national media outlets for access next year. Joe Kinnear continues to embarrass the club off the field with his ill-advised comments and mistaking his key players for Middle Eastern cuisine. What he needs is a reverse strategy that could put a stop to these comments. If he wishes to speak to the media, he must pay a fee. The fee he pays determines just how ridiculous the comments can be. The money can go to charity. We all win.
Norwich City: Portuguese food
Ricky von Wolfswinkel arrived for a club record fee and has only scored one goal this season, in the opening game against Everton. ‘The Wolf’ scored for fun at Sporting Lisbon, netting 45 goals in the two seasons he spent in Portugal. Maybe all he needs if a change in cuisine? Chris Hughton’s group are mirred in a relegation battle. Surely it’s worth a shot.
Southampton: Squad depth
Adam Lallana, Jay Rodriguez and the rest of the Saints high-octane offence were fast out of the gates this season and surprised many teams. The adherence to a taxing, high-pressing style is now being felt throughout the squad, and Southampton’s lack of depth is beginning to hurt them. The first eleven is one of the strongest in the league but they’re being run to the ground – literally.
Stoke City: A Rory Delap testimonial
False nines, inverted wingers, deep-lying playmakers and Rory Delap are just a few of the revolutions the game has seen in recent years. Yes, Delap and his trademark long throws revolutionized the game. Seriously, in an era where Stoke played the most direct game around, Delap was at the centre of it. Opponents had no idea what to do as he began to wipe down a ball with his jersey. His mere presence made the Britannia an unwelcoming place to play. He deserves a proper send off.
Sunderland: More Manchester United players
Wes Brown and John O’Shea look reborn under Gus Poyet, providing the defensive platform for many of Sunderland’s recent results. The former Manchester United stars are the latest members of a long line of players to have represented both clubs. Johnny Evans and Danny Welbeck found their feet on Wearside, and maybe another couple of loanees could do the trick. Fancy Anderson, Gus?
Swansea City: Handcuffs
Whenever a managerial vacancy arises, Michael Laudrup’s name unsurprisingly gets thrown into the mix. The Dane has enjoyed great success at Swansea, winning the League Cup in his first season and overseeing a Europa League campaign this year. It’s really only a matter of time before Laudrup leaves the Liberty Stadium. A pair of handcuffs should do the trick.
Tottenham Hotspur: Patience
It was always going to be tough to get a bunch of foreign players with no Premier League experience to gel into a cohesive unit right away. Erick Lamela, Roberto Soldado and Christian Eriksen aren’t bad players and their performances for their former clubs justified the fees doled out for their services. A bit of time and perspective could do a world of good in North London.
West Bromwich Albion: Martin Jol
After the controversial dismissal of Steve Clarke, West Brom is, once again, without a manager. Martin Jol is without a club. Could this marriage of convenience work? Roy Hodgson joined the Baggies under similar circumstances and his stock wasn’t too high when Liverpool let him go. Jol could be just what the doctor ordered. There’s also the matter of a February 22 game against Fulham. Get your popcorn ready.
West Ham: A striker
West Ham’s owners are reportedly disgruntled at the fact that Sam Allardyce spent most of their transfer budget on permanently unfit Andy Carroll. Allardyce experimented with a ‘striker-less’ 4-6-0 formation earlier this year; the cupboard is that bare. Carlton Cole is the current stopgap solution. Make of that what you will.