mcmansionhell:
Hello everyone. I am late, but I hope to make up with what may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s so great it’s going to give me nightmares for the next three weeks. I had a dream once in the 5th grade that I went swimming with Lemony Snicket in a black pond that led to a furnace instead of a waterfall. That is perhaps the only scary dream I can remember verbatim, until now.
Before I show you this house, I need to introduce with what the Realtor®™ has to say:
When a Realtor™® writes a description with not a single word in all caps, you know something is very, very wrong.
I want to put a disclaimer here: of all the houses I’ve ever done, this is the only one that’s had less than 10 days on Zillow. Since I am more terrified of realtors than Aunt Josephine, I would like to take the time to articulate my copyright disclaimer before anyone dare pull the trigger on this bad-boy.
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Now back to business.
Our charmer is a 5 bed, 4 bath stunner built in 1988.
wait we need to go deeper
We are literally looking at a trash house. The front door is a sickly coo-coo clock articulated in dung. Several of the windows are crooked. I don’t know if that can properly described as a frieze along the roofline, as I’m not an expert in trash classicism.
The Lawyer Foyer
Do you know how hard it is to refrain from just talking about adult entertainment with this house? This house has its own obscenity laws.
The Living Thing
Pretty sure the floor is actually lava in that next room.
Dining Room?
Yeah, this is about the level of discomfort I felt going to my first college party. Probably stickier though.
The Kitchen
Okay, I have lived in some grody apartments over the years, but nothing has had as much grode as this house costing around half a million dollars. I’m having some crippling self-doubt about my upward mobility these days.
Bathroom 1
Maybe it was summer camp when they talked about Athlete’s foot. Puberty has permanently blocked out my memory.
Bedroom 1
Am I too old to use smh?
Bathroom 2
What’s unsettling about the toilet? I can’t tell what that stain is under the lid nor can I assume what kind of people would purchase such a device.
Bedroom 2
God, you know someone died in there. Also, is it just me or could this image replaced with some other text totally be the cover of a really bad shoegaze album c.1996?
Bathroom 4
SHOUTOUT TO THE PINK BATHROOM PEOPLE
Bathroom 5
Things men could put in those drawers:
- half-used pomade tins
- assorted toothbrushes
- needlessly gendered jokes about men by women
Bar
***SCREEEE** “AGENT MILLER WE HAVE A ***SCREEEE*** 187 I REPEAT A 187 VICTIM IS 5′4″ AROUND 120 POUNDS NO SIGN OF STRUGGLE”
***SCREEEE*** “I HEAR YOU AGENT BRODEN I’M ON MY WAY WITH MY CONVENIENTLY MULTIRACIAL TEAM AND CANINE TEN-FOUR”
***gets to crime scene***
“INSTANT crime test is positive for roofies. Who would do such a thing to such a promising young girl?????stares at camera somberly”
“I don’t know sensitive but strong female agent but we’ll get to the bottom of it.” PULLS OUT HYPER-IPAD.
you know what? this joke is over, I’m done.
Finally, the rear elevation:
the poetic justice is oozing from the walls.
Well, that does it for California. I know I said I was going to do a double feature. I know I said it with my own keyboard. But here is the truth, friends: I got off the bus back from North Carolina at 5PM. I am exhausted, and honestly, a little :(. I’m excited to get to STRAYA tomorrow, despite the :(. I want to move there.
Sincerely,
MMH
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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.