Chapter Nine
A/N: I was away on vacation most of the last few weeks, so the though the delay wasn’t intentional, I do apologize. Here’s a long one to make up for it though.
Summary: And yeah, Amy’s there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn’t. She’s whispering ‘sorrys’ and things like ‘we’ll do this together’ and although Karma knows they can’t possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.
Previous Chapters
Who’ll get hurt
But who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised
Amy’s finally coming home for fall break, and Karma’s heart has been fluttering for days anticipating their reunion. She’s ready to show Evan off like he’s some sort of new toy, he’s changed so much since Amy was home in July, and he’s getting into everything. It’s how Karma finds herself sitting across from him in the bathtub, aggressively driving a little plastic duck with sunglasses around in the water that earns her full belly laughs.
“He’s coming for you, Ev!” she shouts dramatically, making the little duck dive underwater and then into his belly, he cackles like Karma’s the funniest person that ever walked the earth, and she briefly considers a career in comedy.
“Ma!” Karma’s eyes go wide at his exclamation. He’s looking right at her, smiling like he just knows he made her entire life with one word. “Ma-ma!” he yells again, still staring at her and the duck, a clear indication he’s not just saying arbitrary things just to make noise.
“You’re so smart, buddy,” she’s got tears in her eyes, holds them so Evan doesn’t think she’s sad, and leans over to kiss his cheek a few times. And then, just for entertainment, she kisses it more, makes the cookie monster sounds that always make him laugh, chuckling when he does what she expects. “You’re the smartest boy in the whole world!” Karma says, leaning back to hand him the duck, which he just slams in the water a few times, splashing them both with all the droplets.
He’s a really happy baby, that in and of itself calms a lot of Karma’s fears from that very first night home from the hospital when she thought she was doomed to a life of misery. Now that he’s eight-months-old he’s got a little personality, and he pretty much charms the pants off anyone that comes to see him. He loves to share, the first thing he does when someone visits is try to hand them a nearby toy (after it’s already been in his mouth - but it’s the thought that counts). Lauren always just grimaces at the toys full of drool and Shane just sort of reaches for the corner of the toy that might be untainted, thanking Evan for his contribution to society. And Liam - well, Karma still hasn’t seen much of him, but the lack of drama is always welcome.
The benefit of Evan now being more active is that some of that stubborn baby weight is finally starting to take a leave of absence. Since Amy’s been gone it’s been easier to eat the healthy crap that they both used to refuse to acknowledge, it turns out all that superfood shit works some magic and she’s had a lot more energy since switching to salads over frozen pizza (Amy). But, the best work out of all is running around after an eight-month-old that barely stays in one place for more than five minutes at a time. He’s constantly crawling all over the living room, everything is carefully taste-tested for approval, and Karma’s been scared out of her mind that he’s going to choke on something, so there’s no time for sitting around anymore. She never actually thought she’d miss him being an infant, but sometimes when she’s too exhausted to physically follow him anymore she swears those days were easier.
“You want some more toys?” she asks, getting a smile in return even though she knows he has no fucking clue what she just asked. So she takes his smile as a yes and grabs a few more floaty toys from the bin next to the tub and some of the foam pieces that stick to the walls - he never can seem to get them off of there despite several extreme attempts. “Here’s your little whale,” she says as she floats over his second favorite toy that he reaches for with enthusiasm, over the duck like it’s yesterday’s news.
“Karma! I’m finally home!” Amy calls out, slamming the door loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.
“We’re in the bath,” she replies, without thinking, almost yelling so Amy can hear.
“Where’s my little dude? He’s probably, like, so much bigger than the last time I saw him,” Amy declares in a rush, thundering up the steps. Evan recognizes her voice immediately, bouncing excitedly in the water.
“Oh,” Amy busts into the bathroom like a bull in a fucking china shop, leaving Karma no time to react, or cover herself, or really do much of anything but sit there in muted shock.
“Whoa!” Karma makes a grab for Evan, attempting to use him as a tiny human shield to cover something. “Hey, I um,” she finally says, making a face. “Welcome back, I guess?!”
She’s sure Amy’s never turned that shade of red before. Karma’s certain her own color is something like a stoplight.
Amy whirls around quickly, like she hasn’t seen her naked before. Ever. “When you said 'we’ I didn’t think you meant like, we,” she stutters flustered. “I’m - sorry, yeah, sorry,” she manages. “I was just so excited to see him and I didn’t know-”
“Could you grab him?” Karma finally asks, holding a very wriggly, wet Evan up like some weird offering, feeling exposed as soon as she does.
But then that feeling dissipates and there’s some validation, because Amy’s gaze is nothing short of appreciative when she finally turns back. If there’s anyone that’s ever made her feel better about her body before and after Evan, it’s Amy. She’s given Karma confidence about her body when there’s been no real reason for her to have any at all. For months during the pregnancy she felt like that stupid fucking whale that’s floating in the water between her and Evan, but she was always reminded of all the positives that came with her ever-growing figure, like her boobs basically doubling in size (and really, there was never any more proof needed that Amy’s a boob girl).
“Oh, yeah, totally,” Amy finally answers, quickly reaching for the little hooded towel hanging off the sink. “It has a lion on it,” she notes lamely, grabbing for Evan, smiling once she actually focuses on his little face. “Holy shit! You like doubled in size, E!”
“Language,” Karma reminds, realizing that all of those little habits they had before are gone now that Amy’s in college with people their own age that drink, and curse, and smoke. She’s with all the normal eighteen and nineteen-year-olds, not spending her days monitoring every move she makes because a baby might pick something up.
“Ah, yeah, sorry, but oh my god, he got so big. Hey, little man, I missed you so much,” she hugs him close, laughing when he grunts out noises of protest. “FaceTime does you no justice. You’re so much cuter than I remember.”
“Ma-ma,” Evan blurts out, face full of concern when Karma’s out of his line of vision.
Amy startles, head whipping to Karma who’s still attempting to modestly exit the tub, but failing spectacularly. “Did he just say -”
“He just started that today.”
“You’re like this little person now,” Amy notes with a small frown. Evan whimpers at not being able to see Karma and her frown grows further. “He doesn’t like me anymore.”
“It’s not you, Ames, he does it with everyone now. He’ll warm up,” she says, carefully. “Can you just hand me a towel?”
Amy nods, hands over the towel from the hook it’s hanging on, and then turns back to the little boy in her arms. “I can’t believe you talk now.”
“Crawls too,” Karma adds, wrapping the towel around herself, finally feeling able to talk without stumbling. “He’s got some teeth coming in,” she points out on the way out of the bathroom, watching as Amy peeks in his mouth to see his top and bottom teeth peeking through the gums. He fusses and she snorts at his sounds of complaint.
There’s a comfort that forms quickly between Evan and Amy again, he seems to settle easily enough while she fastens his diaper and picks between outfits, 'oohing’ and 'awwing’ at his wardrobe now that he’s gotten bigger. His face contorts a few times while he lays in his crib watching Amy flit around the room for socks and pants. Karma smirks when he’s dressed in little khakis and a t-shirt with a guitar on it. He’s dressed better than she is now, her hair in a messy bun piled on top of her head with sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt - this is the extent of her fashion sense with a baby claiming all of her attention.
“He’s pretty dressed up for just hanging in the house with us, don’t you think?” Karma finally asks, crossing the room to him. Evan brightens when he sees her, pulling himself up to stand with the help of the bars on his crib.
“They were his choice,” Amy says lightly, shrugging. “I was thinking maybe we could take him for a walk or something. I wanna hear about what’s up with you guys. I missed you both.”
“We missed you too,” Karma admits after a beat, and it sounds defeated, like her suddenly realizing how much she missed Amy is some sort of failing. “A lot,” she finally adds as Amy steps in to hug her properly. She’s come to pride herself on being able to do this on her own in the last few months, it feels like giving away a part of herself to concede that it’d be nicer withAmy than without. For a second, Karma just lets herself sink into the hug, losing herself in everything Amy. The warmth of her, the feel of her, the smell of her perfume.
“God, how do you always smell so good?” Karma murmurs, face buried in the crook of Amy’s neck.
“Soap?” she mumbles back, and it’s so oblivious, and so Amy, that Karma never wants to let go.
In just one word, Karma realizes just how much she’s missed her.
It’s October now, and she’s pretty accustomed to being alone, Evan’s her only real company most of the time. She’s almost forgotten what life is like with someone who cares about her enough to hug her tightly, and she only just barely swallows back all the emotion at it. Her gratefulness for this is beyond any words anyway.
“You’re doing so amazing with him, Karm,” Amy tells her softly. “I mean, look at him, you just - I’m so proud of you.”
“He’s a handful,” Karma says with a sigh, pulling back to glance in Evan’s direction. “You love to run mommy ragged, don’t you, Ev?”
His little hands are tightly wrapped around the slats of the crib as he bounces up and down a few times in response. Sometimes, he looks so mischievous that Karma swears he understands every word she’s saying.
“I - Jesus,” Amy breathes out from her spot next to Karma.
“What?”
“His face. He looked just like Liam there.”
She doesn’t respond, just closes her eyes and shakes her head a few times. It’s been becoming glaringly more obvious since Robin stopped by a few months ago. When they were trying new jars of food his face was so entirely his father that Karma almost threw up on the spot over it. Nothing about that is really getting any easier, people just haven’t been pointing it out. Leave it to Amy to state the obvious and shatter the fragile acceptance that’s been forming.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Amy finally says, looking entirely disappointed with herself. “I never really thought he did when he was younger so it’s just weird, after all those months when it was just us, to like, remember he’s not -”
“Yeah, I know,” Karma interjects, already fully aware that Amy just shouldn't finish that thought. Things have changed, and words like that can’t just be thrown around anymore.
The silence that follows is awkward and full of everything they can’t comment on. It’s easy to remember why being alone is sometimes just easier. Evan uses that moment to throwsa stuffed elephant out of the crib, breaks the tension, and Amy grins, handing it back to him only to watch it hit the floor again. The pattern repeats another three or four times before Amy just looks to Karma, completely exasperated.
“Welcome to his new favorite activity,” Karma tells her with a laugh. “He’ll do it for hours.”
“Dude, I love you, but what fun is it for me to play fetch for you?” Amy asks him seriously. He makes a face, throws the elephant once more, and giggles at her reaction. “I feel like you’re taking advantage of me, Evan.”
“If you wanna take that walk we should go now, he goes down for a nap in like an hour,” Karma offers.
Amy raises her eyebrows, elephant in hand. “He has like a legit naptime now?”
“Oh, yeah, we’re very scheduled,” she replies, kneeling in front of the crib. “Someone gets very cranky when naptime is interrupted.”
There’s this look on Amy’s face when Karma turns around that says more than any words really could. The regret and pain at not knowing them just radiates off Amy until the room feels fucking suffocating. And really, this has to stop because it’s not fair that Karma feels guilty somehow, like she pushed Amy away. It’s so not what happened, but the looks make it feel that way anyway.
“Okay, dude, let’s pick a jacket. It’s kind of cold today,” Amy tells him a few minutes later, moving to his closet again to flip through the selection of clothes provided by a multitude of people. “Which one you want?”
“Amy, he can’t -” she starts saying, but gets cut off.
“Blink twice for the blue coat, once for the red one.”
It’s so stupid, watching Amy pull tiny coats out of his little closet awaiting a baby’s reaction, but Karma’s heart warms at the sight anyway. Evan stares curiously, almost anxiously awaiting when he’s going to be needed for input.
She proceeds to hold out the red coat for an answer, watching his face carefully. “You blinked three times, three is not an option, dude. Do we need to go over the numbers thing?”
Karma snorts. “Just get the red one, matches his outfit better. His shoes are downstairs.”
They walk together with Evan in his stroller, Amy constantly glancing for his reactions to the outside world. Karma just soaks it all in, this time with them both, since it’s not something that’s a luxury to her anymore. Whatever happened with them wasn’t a breakup, not in the traditional sense, but it doesn’t feel all that different. The way they’re tiptoeing around all the things they can’t say is putting them both on edge. The question remains: if Amy had stayed, would they be together now? Would it have even worked?
Did she push her right into the arms of someone else? The thought’s been eating at her since Nic became this thing sitting in the air between them - it’s like the elephant in the room - she smiles at the idea of Evan just throwing a stuffed elephant at Amy repeatedly, like he knew she needed to be beat over the head with it.
“Any more Liam sightings?” Amy asks, casually, like she’s not internally raging at the idea.
Karma sighs. “No, thank god. The last few months have basically just been me and Ev. My parents have pretty much been MIA to keep the house running, Zen’s been a complete no show, and I mean… Lauren and Shane pop in and out sometimes. It’s - well, it’s nice to have you here, to talk to like an adult instead of him all the time. It’s not like he cares if they picked the wrong house on House Hunters.”
“What use are you then, E?” Amy scoffs. “We need to train him better, obviously.”
“Clearly,” Karma agrees with a wry smile, navigating the stroller around a few cracks in the sidewalk before she says, “You look good - sort of, grown up almost. I mean I know it’s only been a few months but -”
“You do too,” Amy answers quickly, shoving her hands in her jacket pockets. “And I mean, that’s coming from someone that got the whole show earlier.”
“Amy!” Karma yells with a half-smile, clearly appreciating the compliment for what it was meant to be.
“Just saying,” she shrugs.
“Do you think I look better than, um, when we…” she starts, but trails off when there’s no good way to phrase the question without basically saying 'remember that time we almost slept together?’
Amy clears her throat, glances around awkwardly like someone’s going to overhear them, and finally says, “Karma, you always look good to me. I don’t know why you even need to ask.”
“I - sorry. I just feel like I’ve been carrying baby weight,” she explains, suddenly self conscious.
“Yeah, because you had a baby,” Amy says with a smile as she glances over. “And you’re not a fucking celebrity with a personal trainer and chef. You’re a single mom, raising my favorite little person, so fuck it if you’re don’t magically look like some fucking … Kardashian or whatever. You looked good before, you looked good when you were pregnant, you look good now.”
“You’re biased,” Karma teases.
“Sure, but I mean it.”
They don’t talk much for most of the rest of the walk, Evan falls asleep after the first twenty minutes, but the weather’s so nice that they mostly just keep rounding the neighborhood in long, extended circles. It’s not like there aren’t a million things to say, but it’s a comfort to Karma, to know they still have the kind of relationship that allows for moments of comfortable silence too. Everyone else just fills the space with meaningless words, but that’s never been her and Amy, and sure, for all the times it’s easier to just be alone, there’s just as many times that having her here means everything.
“Karma,” she starts, but then pauses and rubs at her forehead. Karma glances over, gesturing for Amy to continue, so she does. “Nic’s coming up for the weekend, she’ll be here tomorrow,” she finally says, all in one breath, looking relieved as soon as the words are out.
“Oh, so this is - are you guys serious?” Karma finally asks.
“No - yes - maybe, I don’t know, okay?” she answers after a moment. “I don’t know, like, how to explain it. When I’m there, it’s.. but when I’m here, it's…” Amy stops, frustrated that she can’t get the words out.
“It’s what?” Karma prods, gently.
“They feel like two different worlds,” she admits, quietly, staring straight ahead. “It’s so easy to get caught up in things.”
“You mean caught up in her,” Karma finally says, a little sadly, looking over.
Amy says nothing for a long time, but then heaves a breath. “I didn’t plan for her, I didn’t go looking for her, it just-”
“Yeah.”
“I wouldn’t have - it wasn’t easy leaving you. I was so homesick. She was just a friend-” Karma winces visibly, and her face must do something because Amy just stops all together, looks flustered and apologetic all at once.
Karma takes a hit where she knows it’ll hurt, says, “of course she was a friend,” regrets it immediately as Amy’s defenses fly up.
“You told me to go meet people, okay? You sent me off to college when all I wanted to do was stay here with you and Evan. I didn’t want any of this, Karma. All I wanted was you.”
“I didn’t expect you to find someone after three fucking days,” she bites back, appreciating the fact that Evan fell asleep right on schedule because she felt guilty about fighting with Liam in front of him for weeks. “I guess I thought we - I don’t know what I thought.”
“No, finish your sentence,” Amy says, quickly, jumping at her opportunity. “And three days? Really?”
Karma shakes her head, frowning darkly, gripping the handles of Evan’s stroller tighter, because it’s the only thing stopping her from flying into some weird jealous rage she has no real business feeling. “I was stupid enough to think that what happened before you left meant something. But, this is just you, Amy. I turn you down and you’re off onto the next one.”
It’s fucking low, Amy deflates noticeably, and Karma finds she doesn’t really care because it feels just as shitty as it did when they were fifteen - Amy was off to Liam, and then Reagan, and then Madison, all the while proclaiming her undying love. It sort of takes the sincerity right out of all the declarations when there’s always someone right behind as soon as Karma doesn’t immediately respond in kind. This time seemed different - but, it’s clearly not, and somehow, it hurts worse because she’d let herself hope for the future.
She’s still gripping the stroller, tighter and tighter, moving faster and faster, anywhere away from where they are now.
“Karma,” Amy calls out, and she finally stops walking. She doesn’t know how it happened, but Amy is at least ten paces behind and has to jog to catch up.
“What?” she spits out with surprising anger, starting to walk again.
“Karma!” she says, louder, putting her hand over Karma’s on the stroller handle. “You can’t just say all that.. shit and expect me to take it!”
“No, dropping bombs would be your thing,” she replies, looking away sharply.
“And what was that?” Amy asks, with an almost spiteful expression. “Is it Let’s Slut-shame Amy Day?”
“No, it’s Tell Amy The Fucking Truth Day!” she has no idea why she’s yelling, and in public no less.
“Oh, so I have to travel hundreds of miles and bang a girl to get that? Why can you never just say it?”
“What?” Karma asks quickly, turning to face her again, stamping on the brake on Evan’s stroller to keep it from rolling.
“Say. It.” Amy’s in her face now. “Say you’re jealous. Say you wish you hadn’t pushed me away because you’ve got some weird Saint Karma complex. Say you wish Nic wasn’t coming. Just say something, because it’d be better than all this grade school bullshit!”
“Fuck you.”
It’s not the greatest response, it doesn’t really deny or confirm a fucking thing, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Well, that’s not true, three other words did, but neither of them would be able to actually handle that.
“Apparently I do that with everyone but you now,” Amy laughs, bitterly. “Contrary to popular belief, Karma, I didn’t roll up at San Antonio prowling lesbian bars for girls to fuck.” Karma flinches at the word choice. “When I first got there I spent the every night crying because I missed you, I missed him,” she pauses to look at Evan in the stroller for the first time and sighs. “I missed us.”
Karma looks up at that, not expecting such an admission, or for all of the anger in her to suddenly dissipate. “Us?”
Amy’s hand slides over hers again on the stroller handle. “There’s always been an us, Karma. I think denying it is getting a little old,” she nods because she can’t really argue with that. “If I could pull a Tatiana Maslany and clone myself, I would. One of me would stay in San Antonio, the other would be here with you,” she continues, smiling sadly.
“Who gets the real you?”
“I think you know the answer,” she replies, in the soft, quiet voice reserved for these moments.
“I do,” Karma finally manages, eyes never leaving Amy’s when she adds. “I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t really know what she’s apologizing for. All she does know is that she’s responsible for fucking up Amy’s life. Again. And now they’ve pulled Nic into this mess. Perfect, kind, intelligent, sexy, very into Amy Nic - she’s done nothing to deserve having to put up with all their shit, but she’ll be here tomorrow, and Karma needs to stop taking and learn to start giving.
Now feels as good a time as any.
“Karm, she doesn’t have to -”
Karma shakes her head, says, “I was thinking maybe we could get dinner one night this weekend.. The three of us. I wanna know this girl that has you wanting to clone yourself.”
“Dinner. Right. Sure,” Amy concedes, face hardening to mask any lingering sadness.
For as much as they both admitted, it’s still not enough, and Karma’s not going to be the one that lays claim on Amy like she did with Reagan. There’s too much to lose - and even just having Amy back for a day she’s faced with the idea that if things didn’t work, Evan would be losing a sort of second parent in the separation. Amy’s happy, her photo albums on Facebook and her pictures on Instagram - no, Karma’s not stalking, she can’t help what comes up on her feed - say that Amy is off being a college kid. She’s going to concerts, posting pictures of Nic with the cutest puppy Karma’s ever fucking seen, Nic’s even made her dinner a few times if the food posts are anything to go by. Nic can offer Amy something Karma can’t. Freedom. The ability to live life as it comes, while Karma is physically restrained by the little boy asleep in his stroller. Amy loves him, but it doesn’t really feel like it's enough.
They go home after the walk, Karma says it’s because they both need space, but honestly staying in the same bed with Amy again after fighting like that would lead them nowhere good. Nic gets in early the next morning judging by the text from Amy asking when she wants to get together for dinner. But, well, if she’s going to push Amy back to another girl then she’s going to actually learn to be Amy’s best friend in a real way.
Farrah answers the door with a “Karma, so nice to see you and this handsome boy” as she ruffles Evan’s hair a few times. He smiles at her, trying to hand his teething ring full of drool over. “You keep that, honey,” Farrah tells him, then turns to Karma again and gestures to the steps. “Amy and Nicole are upstairs.”
“Oh, I - um, I can -”
“Open door policy, Karma. They’re just watching TV,” she explains with a polite smile. “I’ll bring his stroller inside, you two go on up.” Karma blushes, unbuckles Evan from his confines, and heads for Amy’s room with a small wave.
The door is open when they get there, Amy perks up at the sight of them, Nic sits up on her elbows, eyebrows raised in curiosity. It feels more like being examined, and less like judgment, but Karma’s on high alert to be on her best behavior, regardless.
“Hey, you didn’t mention coming over this early,” Amy mentions, hands out for Evan instantly. “What’s up, little man? It’s been like less than twenty-four hours and I missed you already.”
He smiles at Amy like he remembers her from yesterday, offering up his teething ring to her the same as he did for Farrah, but Amy makes chewing noises and pretends to munch on it, amusing him greatly. He lets out a loud belly laugh when she munches on his hand 'accidentally’ and her eyes light up at the sound, like she accomplished her life’s mission.
“Nic, this is Evan, my favorite kid in the entire world,” Amy says, turning to introduce him fully.
“I gathered since he has an entire photo album to himself on your phone, Amy,” she responds with a light smile, clearly teasing.
“Well, look how cute he is, it’s totally justified,” she defends, then turns to face Karma, adding, “and this is Karma, in the flesh, since you guys already met via FaceTime.”
“Of course, it’s nice to actually meet you, Karma,” Nic says, standing to offer a hug and kiss on the cheek easily enough. Karma stiffens instantly, then wills herself to relax and respond so she doesn’t look like some socially inept weirdo.
She clears her throat, says, “You too, I’ve been looking forward to it since Amy mentioned you coming,” and then backs away to really get a good look at the girl that’s stolen her best friend’s attention. Nic is effortlessly chic, not in that free-spirit way that was Madison, but she oozes the kind of confidence and nonchalance that says she’s just comfortable in her own skin. It’s not a feeling Karma’s familiar with, but it’s so easy to see on other people. Somehow, with her loose wavy hair and her dark gray capris, a loose fit t-shirt, and a maroon leather jacket she manages a look that’d take Karma two days to perfect - instead it looks like she offhandedly picked the items out of a pile of clothes on a bedroom floor. She’s pretty fucking sure if she was off at San Antonio College she would’ve been fucking attracted to this girl too. The light accent in her voice is the just the fucking cherry on top, really.
“I hope I’m not intruding, just thought since Ev won’t be joining us for dinner you could squeeze in some time with him, and I - well, I thought Nic could meet him too,” Karma offers, gently, meeting Amy’s eyes in something of a concession.
Amy’s smiles this weird mix of 'thank you’ and 'I hate you for this’ and neither really feels better than the other. Nic looks back and forth a few times, assessing the situation, face neutral as she observes their interactions.
“Not intruding,” Amy finally agrees easily enough. “I was actually hoping I could show him off so this works out perfectly.”
This works out perfectly. It’s not exactly the words Karma would use to describe the situation she’s finding herself in, but honestly, she knows it’s of her own doing. Nic is nice, she’s actually everything Karma isn’t, and is the perfect counterpoint to everything Amy has waiting at home. In some ways it’s nice that Amy isn’t off finding these creepy rip-off versions of her anymore, but then it feels like Amy’s somehow put her down by finding someone who’s so completely opposite.
It’s not really something that’s easy to come to terms with, though with the way it looks, she’s going to have plenty of time to do it.
“Can I hold him?” Nic asks after a moment, question aimed at Amy, but Karma’s throat closes up all the same.
“Sure,” Amy holds him out like a little lion cub and his face shifts to one of unease, but he seems willing to trust that he’s not being handed off to some serial killer.
“Hey, Evan, it’s very nice to meet you. Your aunt Amy has told me such nice things about you,” Nic talks to him like he’s a little adult once he’s in her arms and he seems to settle at that, teething ring held out again like a peace offering. Karma feels mildly betrayed by the way he takes to her. “I have a niece and nephew,” she explains, pulling her phone from her back pocket to pull up a few pictures of some very cute looking children and a vaguely hipster looking guy with a beard and sunglasses holding them both. “They’re my brother’s. I miss them terribly, but they’re such great kids.”
Amy takes the phone, eyeing the pictures in interest, and Karma moves to look over her shoulder. Of course, they’re fucking adorable, and Amy tells her as much. Nic smiles at that, explaining that they’re four and two, that her brother lives in Madrid with them, but that they have plans to meet for Christmas in Amsterdam. And what? Karma reins in her envy because who the fuck is this girl?!
She’s everything Karma’s not - but she can’t say she isn’t everything Karma wants to be.
“I’ve got a lot of cousins as well. I’ve always really enjoyed children,” Nic says as she smiles at Evan a few times, tickling his feet to get a few laughs. Amy’s clearly smitten at the sight, and her eyes only grow softer when Nic sits on the edge of the bed, baby in hand, and continues with, “I can see why your aunt Amy takes so many pictures of you, Evan. You’re quite the little charmer.”
They look like a family sitting there on Amy’s bed and Karma almost flinches at the sight. Instead, she forces herself to keep looking at the three of them because this is the path she chose. It’s no secret that she wanted Evan to have another parent - and from the day he was born that person has always been Amy - but, she never thought about what it would be if she wasn’t actually with Amy. The fact that they’d date other people eventually hadn’t really entered her mind, and now that it’s in her face it’s a lot more painful than she could’ve imagined. She’s going to have to learn to share him with a woman that’s, for all intents and purposes, taking her place. Not only is Nic taking her place in Amy’s life, she might have to accept the fact that she’s going to be sort of taking her place in Evan’s as well, at least some of the time.
Her parents take Evan for the night, shooing her out to take a night for herself, but they don’t realize that an ideal night for Karma is owning the couch with ice cream, sweatpants, trash TV, and Amy. Unfortunately, with Nic in town, all of that’s out of the question and it’s how she finds herself sitting in a booth across from the new couple, sipping on a glass of wine she really doesn’t want. After a lengthy dinner that involved Karma eating about three leaves of lettuce and half a dinner roll, Nic got them into a bar in downtown Austin, somewhere small that doesn’t card so they can drink and relax since it’s a night without a baby to take care of. Dinner was spent watching this new dynamic unfold, watching Amy actually be with someone in a real way. Karma watched as they discussed the menu like they’d done it hundreds of times before, watched as they traded off on who got what so they could try each other’s, watched as Nic tapped Amy’s thigh and Amy just knew what it meant, slid out of the booth automatically at the gesture.
It’s all making Karma remember that this isn’t a life she can give to Amy - going out for dinners alone, nights to themselves at bars with whiskey sours. All she’d be able to promise Amy at this point would be Friendly’s with chicken nuggets, waters with lemon they barely get to touch, a diaper bag crowding up half the seat while the waitresses take far too long to hunt down the one dilapidated high chair in the entire establishment that some other bratty kid is probably already using anyway.
Who would ever even consider that as a viable option?
What’s been offered tonight is so much more than she can offer Amy - and that’s really it right there, isn’t it? All Karma knows is: Nic is not me, and I am not Nic, and Amy deserves the best. There’s no use pretending that anything with her and Evan isn’t settling for a life that’s so much less than what Nic can give her now.
Amy gets up to return to the bar for the second round, Nic turns to face Karma a little more fully, and says, “It’s nice to get to meet you and Evan, you’re both all Amy really speaks of from home. I was beginning to think you both were the sole inhabitants of Austin.”
Karma smiles politely. “I’m sure you’ve met Lauren.. And where there’s Lauren there’s Shane. My um - Evan’s father isn’t really involved,” she pauses to gauge Nic’s reaction and plunders forward at her small nod. “He left when I found out. Liam used to be - well, he was part of our crowd in high school. Amy was never really looking for a group of friends though, she’s always been more into quality over quantity I guess.”
“So I’ve noticed. She’s much the same at school,” Nic explains, glancing over to the bar where Amy’s still waiting in the line that’s forming. “She's… well, she’s not anything I ever expected to find at a college in Texas.”
“She’s different,” Karma confirms, a genuine smile forming involuntarily. “The best kind of different.”
“You know, Karma, I’ve always thought being monogamous was something of a social construct,” Nic says, abruptly, and Karma almost spits her wine across the table. She restrains herself in time to raise an eyebrow, steadying her hands on the stem of the wine glass. “But, I like Amy very much. She’s sweet. I don’t usually date freshmen, but.. Some rules need exceptions I guess,” she notes with a wry smile and sip of her dirty martini (of course).
Before Karma can answer Amy’s sitting back down handing out another glass of wine, and another martini, keeping the rum and coke for herself. “What’d I miss?” she asks with a smile, and Karma knows it means a lot to her that this night goes well.
“Just getting to know each other,” she explains as Amy scoots in closer to Nic than she’d been before and Karma wills herself not to feel the pain it causes. Amy’s doing what I asked she reminds herself four more times in quick succession. Repeats it like a mantra in her head instead of biting out all the bitter remarks crawling up her throat.
It’s become clear as the next hour and a half crawls by that Nic isn’t using Amy - her affection is completely genuine - and Karma wishes this was a case of some evil bitch out to wreak havoc. But, Amy’s some fucking exception to all the rules (isn’t she always), and there’s no ruining Amy’s happiness this time. So, she just watches the happy couple goof off on the dance floor that’s forming as it gets later and more people pour into the alley bar that’s one of the few not carding or charging covers. Moping really isn’t the way to get through the night, but it feels weirdly satisfying to sit in the corner of a darkened booth hating the world. Most nights it’s bottling up emotions for Evan, lullabies, and hot chocolate while catching up on all her recorded TV from the week.
Tonight, Karma’s content to just feel it, take in the misery as the alcohol courses through.
“Karm, come dance with me?” Amy’s all glassy eyed smiles and offered invitations and Karma’s never really been able to say no to that face. She nods and follows her best friend to the floor, weaving between people to the empty space.
“Where’s Nic?” she shouts over the music, unaware of when this place decided to become a fucking club.
“Bathroom, smoke break, then more drinks.”
“She smokes?” Karma asks as Amy pulls her a little bit closer, hands lingering on hips, sending shivers up her spine that become hard to conceal.
Amy just hums out 'mmhmm’ in response, swaying a little as some fucking awful club beat thrums along. “Loosen up a little. Your parents have Evan - have a little fun with me. Relax.”
She feels the 'relax’ reverberate all the way down to the tips of her toes and back up again. It was a different time, different feelings, different intentions. But, it shuts out the rest of the bar immediately and then all that really exists is Amy with that same look in her eyes, like she knows exactly what she just said, even if unintended.
“Relax, huh?” Karma asks, softly. There’s a nod somewhere in response, but she feels it more than sees it as she lets herself be taken into this moment. It’s all wrong, and really they both have to know they deserve more than this moment here, on a dance floor with Amy’s girlfriend somewhere in the crowd, but she doesn’t dare protest it either.
“Karma, I -”
“Amy, just shut up, okay? No talking,” she breathes out with a smirk, hands wrapping around the back of Amy’s neck, as if 'personal space’ is a foreign concept.
“No talking,” Amy echoes with a grin.
Talking has done nothing but ruin them since Evan was born. It’s been all the conversations that have just made things harder and more complicated, created barriers and built walls. It’s been the times they haven’t talked, the times they’ve just let themselves be, that things are just simple. If there hadn’t been all those fucking words, if Karma had just let them happen, she might be the one with Amy right now instead of this girl from San Antonio College that can offer so much more. Amy might have never known there was more to be had if they justdidn’t talk.
A few songs pulse through the room and it’s so easy to forget about the fact that Amy’s attached to someone when her hands keep lingering just below Karma’s waist. The bar is about as hot as the seventh circle of hell and Amy’s face is glistening with sweat from all the body heat.
“Outside?” Karma asks, gesturing to the door in case it’s still too loud. Amy gives her a goofy little thumbs up and follows close behind as they make a run for the door, laughing like fools when they finally breathe in the cool night air and the alcohol feels like it hits full force then.
“Fuck, it’s hot,” Amy manages, moving to lean against a wall on the side of the building. “I felt like I couldn’t breathe in there.”
“Because of the people or because of my stellar dance moves?” Karma asks, a silly grin forming.
Amy snorts. “Your dance moves are totally what made me fall for you.” They both freeze, Amy looks distraught with her word choice, reaching her hand out for Karma’s immediately. “I, Karma - it’s - I was trying to joke around.”
“No, I know. Really. It’s fine. We have to get there, right?” she shrugs with an air of nonchalance, letting her hand be taken somewhere in the process. Amy pulls her in until they’re centimeters apart, their bodies flush against the wall she’s been leaning on.
It’s hard not to close the gap there. It’d be so easy to give in when there’s tension like this. The air feels charged, and electric, and everything it was the last time they kissed. Except, tonight, there’s no angsty drama, no college decisions, there’s no pushing Amy away for the greater good. There’s just being nineteen, sneaking into a bar, a little too much alcohol, and the desire to make the mistakes Karma knows she shouldn’t.
“You look - ridiculously pretty tonight,” Amy whispers, eyes searching Karma’s face for any sort of sign.
Karma blushes in spite of herself, knows she made that effort possibly hoping this exact moment might take place, even if she knows it shouldn’t.
“Yeah?” she shakes her head at the fact that she’s been reduced to this fucking monosyllabic idiot right now.
“Mm,” Amy hums out, eyes pointedly focused on her lips. “We.. probably shouldn’t..”
“Yeah,” Karma breathes out a moment later, sighing when Amy brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. It’s so stupidly cliche but her heart jumps anyway. “We really shouldn’t,” she confirms, actions completely fucking killing her words when she doesn’t move back.
They’re so close it feels like they’re just breathing the same recycled air between them, it’s hard to be level headed when there’s such kissable lips right there, just millimeters away. Amy’s eyes are basically begging her to lean to forward, to take the choice out of her hands, to make her not be the bad guy in this one. But, Karma doesn’t wanna be the villain either, so instead she refocuses herself, says, “I’m not going to ruin this for you, Ames,” and pulls away with a sigh.
Before Amy can respond, Nic comes sauntering out, finds them both leaning against the wall in some sort of weird, almost awkward silence, and lights a cigarette rather than commenting on it. It’s a moment where Karma debates thanking her for the reprieve because it feels like the tension is evident, but all she can do is watch. Watch the long plume of smoke rise into the night air as Nic exhales. Watch her wordlessly place the cigarette between Amy’s lips and hold it while she takes a drag. Karma tries to look away, but she can’t. It’s all so familiar, sointimate, that she can’t stand it. She wants to scream, and yell, and lay claim, but she can’t. She has no right to. She gave those rights away in the name of being mature and selfless. Truthfully, she probably could scream, but no one would hear. Nic only has eyes for Amy at this point anyway, and Amy won’t acknowledge any of what just happened either. She just exhales, leans forward and kisses Nic in this light but passionate way that feels a lot like a dull knife to the chest.
Karma knows that kiss, because Amy kissed her like that once too. A long time ago.
There’s red flags setting off all the alarms, that kiss was meant for someone else, and maybe all three of them know it - but ignore it anyway. It’s not lost on any of them that if Nic wasn’t here - well, that’s a dangerous line of thought and Karma only just barely looks away to remind herself that she can’t really spend her life in the land of what-ifs.
All she can think as she takes in the stale air outside the bar is: that should’ve been me.
“Come on, you two. More dancing? It’s not time for you to turn into pumpkins just yet,” Nic’s voice is light and playful, accent just barely pulling at a few words. “Karma, I hear you’re a spectacular dancer, I expect to see some of this tonight.”
Amy smiles when Karma finally laughs and says, “I’ve been told my dance moves are part of my charm.”
They return to club music, way too much sweat, and sweet cocktails - and they probably burn their entire dinner off in dance moves that are probably inappropriate for the situation they’ve found themselves in. Nic isn’t one to leave Karma out, pulling her in close, timed precisely to the pulse of the song, and it’s intoxicating, and honestly a huge turn on, to be so close to Amy and Nic at the same time. It’s kind of a what the fuck moment, but no one seems to really question it, attributing it to the alcohol and atmosphere, shrugging off the weirdness of this bizarre triangle that’s formed without any of their knowledge. There are hands that graze her ass a few times, but there’s no telling if they come from Amy or Nic, and that’s a weird thought in and of itself that she chooses not to fully focus on. It is what it is, and by one in the fucking morning, as they all laugh hysterically over a drunk frat boy stumbling into a cab at the curb, Karma knows she actually likes Nic, like as a human being, and then she hates herself for it.
The cab ride home takes ten years longer than usual and Karma’s itching to see her little boy. It’s the first night since he was born that she hasn’t been the one tucking him in, somehow that feels like a failure on her part. Amy’s left hand is intertwined in Nic’s right as the cab flies through the streets of Austin at some ridiculous speed for this time of night. Karma wants to hate Nic really, she wishes Nic was spiteful and petty, intent on staking her claim on Amy, but if anything Nic is the perfect example of someone that feels no threat from their friendship. She’s encouraged their time together, she’s acknowledged the years they’ve shared, never overstepping or acting like she has any ownership of Amy. Really, if Karma had to hand pick someone for her best friend, this girl is exemplary, and seems adamant about making sure that Amy’s still going to be around for Evan.
“It’s that house on the left,” Amy points out, leaning over to gesture more easily as Nic peers out the window, smiling softly when she watches Amy dorkily continue to point.
It’s hard not to wonder what they’re like together, if that kiss Karma witnessed earlier is a sign of what their relationship is like regularly. She’s not an idiot, it’s clear they’ve been sleeping together for a while at this point, they’re not fucking sixteen anymore, shuffling awkwardly around the idea of sex. Amy’s been a 'sex person’ for a while now too, sleeping with girls who catch her eye much more easily than Karma’s ever been able to give herself to any boy that’s come by. Hence all these fucking years in Liam Booker’s orbit - he was from before and she wonders if that’s why it’s always been so easy to just go back to him. But Amy’s been looking to move forward for a long time now, since they were kids really, and it feels like Nic is the first person to really be pushing her forward.
“Lovely place, Karma,” Nic comments, looking at Karma with kind eyes. “Tonight was a lot of fun, I’m so glad your parents could watch Evan for a few hours so we could go out.”
“It was a great time, I’m glad you could make it for the weekend,” she agrees, climbing out of the car to head for the house, alcohol still buzzing through her system. “Hopefully see you soon.”
The front door looks far away but she heads there anyway, waving slightly at the car that she’s perfectly fine to complete the journey alone. Amy’s footsteps on the pavement make it clear she’s not alone though, it’s probably weird she knows how Amy walks, but how could she not after all these years?
“You don’t need to follow me, Ames. I can get to the front door, it's right there.”
Amy laughs softly. “I just wanted to say goodnight, Karm. Not stalking you.”
“Stalk me anytime,” Karma bites back with a smirk, finally stopping and turning. “Amy, she’s - well, you already know…” she manages with sad smile, shrugging at the lack of words.
“I do. But it means a lot to me that you like her.”
“I wish I didn’t.”
“I know that too,” Amy finally replies, stepping in to kiss Karma’s cheek softly, eyes suspiciously glassy when she leans back and says, “You’re still my favorite.” She’s surprised when Amy goes for her other cheek whispers, “And that’s for my other favorite. Say goodnight to him for me?”
“Of course,” Karma breathes out after a moment.
Amy nods, hands buried deep in the pockets of the leather jacket she’s had for years. “Sleep well, Karm.”
Karma watches her get back in the cab, watches Nic kiss her hungrily like the night isn’t anywhere near over for them, watches the cab pull away for Amy’s house, a walk she’s taken countless times over the years. She swears if she'd actually gone blind sophomore year she’d still be able to find Amy’s house, and then belatedly understands that her chest hurts at the thought of Nic being the one in Amy’s bed while the left side of her own is a graveyard of pillows and discarded t-shirts.
Yeah, she should go inside and get some sleep, but instead she sits on the steps, watches as the brake lights fade into the distance four stop signs up, predictably making a right seconds later, and Karma knows it’ll make another left two blocks up to stop in front of the second two story house on the left hand side. She knows Amy and Nic will get out, tip the guy, and sneak in through the side door to the kitchen where the back staircase is. They’ll tiptoe up the left side of the steps, the floorboards don’t creak on that side, so they won’t wake Farrah. Amy will forget the water, because she always does, sneak back down, and step on the creaky board at the bottom anyway because they never could remember to avoid what they knew would get them into trouble.
Karma sits on the steps for twenty more minutes, wonders what it would be to be the one in Amy’s bed right now, to be the one underneath Amy, to be kissed the way she so badly wants to be because it feels like Amy’s the only one that knows how. She imagines what it would’ve been to be Amy’s first choice tonight. She wishes it was more than part of her imagination. Once, she got so close to being with Amy for real she could taste it, and then she walked away.
Life has no do overs, but she’s never wanted one more.