Chapter Eight
A/N: Thank you all so much for reading and for the response to the last chapter. Don’t hate me for this one.
Summary: And yeah, Amy’s there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn’t. She’s whispering ‘sorrys’ and things like ‘we’ll do this together’ and although Karma knows they can’t possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.
a.k.a. the one where Liam knocks Karma up and bails.
Previous Chapters
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
Amy’s gone.
Really, she’s been in San Antonio for a little over a month, but things still feel just as fresh as they did that first morning Karma woke up alone and realized this would be her life from now on. When Evan cries at three in the morning there’s no one getting him with a whispered, ’go back to sleep,' there’s no one helping with the mounds of laundry after her little twelve pound monster spits up all over everything, there’s no one making her laugh at night before bed, reminding her that adult conversations do exist, and that really she’s just as much a nineteen year old girl as she is someone’s mother.
Amy’s gone. And, it fucking sucks.
It took a while after their night of 'we almost had sex’ to get back to normal. It took a few weeks of them both acting like complete idiots, pulling away at rapid speed at every tiny bit of contact, until Amy cracked, laughing hysterically, barely getting out, “we’re being so fucking stupid.” Karma had laughed too, and when they finally settled she yanked Amy into a hug that almost suffocated them both.
Sure, it was weird, to act like that night just didn’t happen, to act like there wasn’t some sort of mutual feeling between them. There were nights she’d be on the floor with Evan and she’d look up to catch Amy staring a little too long. There were nights she couldn’t ignore her heart beating out of her chest when Amy cuddled up close in her sleep. But, they both needed normal, and so their routine had returned full force for the few months before Amy left, despite Karma knowing it’d just make their goodbye hurt worse.
She and Evan cheered the loudest at Amy’s graduation in June, Karma held him up high so he could see, and Amy lit up like a fucking Christmas tree when she spotted him in the crowd, waving enthusiastically, diploma in hand. Karma was so fucking proud and crushed her into a little group hug, Evan between them, after they finally got down to the football field when the ceremony was done. Amy took Evan immediately, whirling him around with excitement, refusing to let him go for even just one picture, ignoring all of Farrah’s requests. A picture of the three of them is framed on Karma’s dresser, Amy in her blue gown and cap, Evan on her hip, her other arm wrapped tightly around Karma’s waist. For just a minute, she let herself believe none of it was happening, and maybe graduation could be the first of many steps toward them becoming a family.
It was around that time that Karma realized she was just completely fucked.
In early July, Amy broke the news that she was leaving early for San Antonio to get started on her portfolio, and to get a job to be able to save up for camera parts and trips home. It shattered the illusion that they still had so much time left, because time was just running out so much faster than either of them had planned. She still remembers the morning Amy left, air thick with humidity, her heart heavy with everything she was about to lose. Their parents had not-so-subtly stepped out to give them a moment, but really, the 'moment,’ or whatever it was, just felt like it was making things worse. Amy looked awkward and unsure, unshed tears lingering in her eyes when she held Evan tightly against her chest as he wiggled around in her arms. He couldn’t understand the gravity, didn’t get that Amy wouldn’t be there for his middle of the night bottles, and Karma wished she had that sort of innocent naivety of a five-month-old - to think that tomorrow might be the same as all that came before it, when really nothing was going to be the same again.
Then she found herself in Amy’s arms, secure and steady, wondering when she’d feel this safe again because everything after that morning would be uncharted territory. When Amy finally let go there was no helping the goodbye kiss that lingered too long, far longer than they’d planned, and Karma shivered when shaky hands grabbed at the material of her shirt at the small of her back. Amy hesitantly responded before pulling back with a heavy sigh. She rested her forehead against Karma’s, breathing out, “we’re gonna be okay,” and Karma wondered if Amy even realized just what would be in store for them; just what’s going to test them before they’ll even get to being 'okay.’
San Antonio College is only about an hour and half from Austin, but it was still loss, it was still the lack of Amy every night for bedtime songs and stories. It’s still the lack of Amy for bath time and all the wondrous awe when Evan learns something new. It can be twisted around like a fucking rubik’s cube, looked at from all angles and directions, but it’s still fucking loss.
The obnoxious FaceTime ringtone interrupts her thoughts, and Karma’s quick to grab Evan from his swing for the call. He sits calmly on her lap, looking at the phone in confusion when Karma swipes to the right to accept. Amy’s fuzzy face finally registers as the delay clears up.
“Hey, E! There’s my little man! How are you?” Amy asks like he’s going to answer (like she always does), and he just mumbles back a bunch of noises, little hands reaching out for the iPhone because it looks like a few of his toys.
Karma smiles and holds it just out of his reach. “He’s been sleeping like a champ lately, haven’t you, Ev?”
“Oh, that’s awesome, Karm,” she pauses and glances around, the beanie on her head sliding a little to the left when she focuses back on the camera. “Gimme a sec, it’s too loud in here,” and then her face disappears off screen.
“We can’t eat phones, buddy. Too many germs,” Karma tells him when he continues to stretch out of her arms for it.
He’s antsy now at six months, and he’s learning so many things, and she yearns to have someone to really share them with. Her parents are around, but they’re busy, doing everything they can to help her provide for him financially because she hates taking money from Liam. Zen is still off traveling the world so he really hasn’t been much help to his nephew, Karma wills herself to forget what a fucking prick her brother is before it ruins the entire day. Lauren and Shane check in occasionally, but it’s not like having someone - it’s not like having Amy. She couldn’t just call Lauren when he rolled over all by himself, it was already done and over by the time she would’ve even been able to get her on the phone, and it hurts when she thinks that Amy would’ve just been there.
“Hey, I’m back, sorry,” Amy’s face reappears as she adjusts her hat and smirks. It looks like she’s in some alleyway and Karma wonders if she’s somewhere safe, taking care of herself, because she doesn’t know how she’d explain homicide to a six-month-old. She’s worried about Amy now, when she knows this is probably the first time in their entire lives that Amy’s not really worrying about herself - she’s finally taking the time to be a teenager and lose some of that sensibility that Karma’s relied on her entire life. It just serves to show the ways in which they’re growing and changing, and the insurmountable ways their paths are veering further apart, rather than closer together.
“Ames, if you’re busy we could’ve rescheduled.”
“What? No. I just forgot I agreed to this stupid party when I was at a meeting the other day with some of the girls from my dorm. Nic was begging me to go, and I told her I’d think about it, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Karma, my RA is such a dick, Nic told me I should think about applying next year for the job because she thinks I’d make a good leader - plus free room and board just to basically walk around and make sure people aren’t drinking and smoking in their rooms. It’s not a bad gig… Karma?”
Karma’s pretty sure she missed about ninety five percent of what Amy was babbling about because one: she didn’t understand half of it, it’s like some foreign language with RAs, and dorms, and meetings; two: Nic. She’s the first person Amy’s really given a name to, and something about it is setting off red flags in Karma’s mind because Amy doesn’t really make friends easily. It isn’t like her to be getting dragged to parties, and applying for 'leadership positions,’ and going to meetings. There are things Evan’s learning that Amy’s missing here, but for the first time Karma sees there’s a lot she’s missing there too, and there’s never really been a time in their lives that Karma can remember not knowing everything about Amy.
“Uh, yeah, what?” Karma shakes her head to clear away the thoughts and focuses on the call. “What’s up?”
“You okay?” Amy’s concerned, still adjusting that fucking hat on her head. Karma knows she’s never seen that thing before, and then she just knows.
She clears her throat, ignores the question entirely, and pokes Evan in the belly a few times - it earns her a full laugh and Amy smiles brightly at it, but it’s replaced by a frown seconds later. “When did he start doing that?”
“About a week or two ago. It’s really cute. He thinks Lauren’s hilarious - which, no one in the world thinks Lauren is hilarious, so I think she stops over just for the ego boost now,” Karma explains it off, watching as Amy’s frown grows more pronounced.
“He laughs for Lauren?”
Karma nods. “Lauren and my dad mostly. But I can get a good giggle out of him when he feels like being nice to mommy, huh?” She nuzzles the back of his head a few times and Evan smiles into the phone, his hands reaching up behind for Karma’s cheeks. “I think he’s gonna be on the move soon, he’s rocking a lot on his hands and knees, then I’m really gonna be in trouble.”
There’s a sigh as Amy moves a little further from her party until she’s under a streetlight and they can see each other more clearly. “I wish I was home,” she admits with sad eyes.
“Amy, you’re only saying that because you’re the phone with us now-” and then the screen goes black, Evan’s little finger on it, clearly having hit the END button accidentally. “Really, Ev? I think it’s nap time, back in your swing you go.”
He whimpers a little when Karma buckles him in, but settles quickly as the swing starts moving, and really whoever invented those things is a god among men. Amy’s phone rings twice before she answers, the tears on her cheeks are easy to see even though her face is partially covered again with the streetlight gone from view.
“Sorry, he hit the end button when I wasn’t paying attention.”
Amy snorts, wiping at her eyes furiously. “He’s getting so big,” she says after a minute, shifting from foot to foot in uncertainty.
“It’s only been a month,” Karma reassures her softly. There’s no reason to rub it in. Amy can see him sitting up on his own when she comes home for fall break, it’s just going to add salt to the wound to go on about it now. “It’s because you’re on the phone with us. But, I can tell you’re content there. I can hear it in your voice when you tell me about what’s going on at school. He just reminds you of home - and it’s normal to be homesick,” Amy grapples for words to respond, but Karma continues. “You didn’t make a mistake. You did what was best for you. He- we will be here no matter what.”
“He’s not even gonna know me, Karma,” Amy shakes her head, clearly angry at herself, and this really isn’t what Karma wanted when she pushed her off to college. At the time, it felt like she was doing the right thing - and somewhere in there she still knows it’s what Amy needs - but right now, it feels like Amy’s going to resent herself. It’s turned into a lose-lose situation for them both, and yet it seems like where they find themselves now has been inevitable. “This was so stupid. I never should’ve left.”
“We’ll FaceTime more,” Karma tries, but Amy’s so far past reasoning with. “I can bring him to visit sometimes, I can…” she trails off, frustrated. This isn’t what was supposed to happen, FaceTime was supposed to be a fun way for Amy to see Evan grow, not for her to lose it when she sees him changing. He’s going to change, he’s been growing so fast that there’s no way Karma can just hit pause until Amy can be here to see all of his accomplishments. “I don’t know what you want here. I just - Amy, I talk about you all the time to him. He has pictures in his room. I’m doing everything I can to keep you in his life, okay? This is hard on us too.”
The picture freezes briefly, flickers back into view, and then the background noises get louder and fade back out like something big just happened. Amy pinches the bridge of her nose, eyes on the ground. “I’m sorry. I - you’re right,” Amy says, slowly, like she’s trying to convince herself of that fact. Karma’s temper almost flares because all she wants to say is, 'You’re at college at some fucking party with some fucking girl that you’re not telling me about. I’m here alone raising a kid while you and his deadbeat father are off being normal nineteen year olds so don’t tell me what’s hard.' But, she doesn’t, because really Amy has no actual obligation to them.
Karma chose to keep Amy as her best friend - she’s forcing herself to deal with the consequences of that decision.
“You’re right,” Amy repeats, like some sort of mantra. “Hey, Karma, I should go-”
“Who’s Nic?” the words fall out, and Karma almost slaps herself, but instead sits in mute shock as Amy stutters over a few syllables, eyes wide.
Instead of moving towards the party Amy paces farther away. “She’s uh - she’s a friend. Did I mention her?”
“A few times,” Karma says with a slight shrug, trying for neutral and casual. She’s failing spectacularly.
Amy licks her lips, touches the hat subconsciously. “I - we - she got me involved in a few of the committees here. I met her at this early admission thing because I was trying to find something for lunch and she just kind of bombarded me with flyers and stuff.” There’s a lot of pacing and hand gestures, it’s clear Amy can’t seem to stand still, it’s always been something of a nervous tic, she’s been doing it since they were like, ten-years-old, and Karma recognizes it immediately.
“That’s her hat, right?”
Karma’s terrified of the answer, even though she already knows.
“How-”
“Amy, I know you,” she says after a beat. The girl on the screen looks panicky, ready to bolt at any given moment. Karma hates that they’ve been reduced to these moments of discomfort after just a month.
“It isn’t what…” Amy tries again, but can’t seem to get her words together, instead she stops and slides down against a nearby wall. She has makeup on so she pauses when she goes to rub at her eyes, smiling sadly when she realizes there’s no talking their way out of this. It’s a conversation they have to have.
Karma settles further back into the couch, trying her hardest to fake a smile too. “It’s exactly what I think it is,” she stops, stares at Amy’s face looking for the truth, and finally asks, “Isn’t it?”
Amy blinks a few times and breathes. “Yeah.”
It’s not that she didn’t expect Amy to move on, for fucks sake, Karma fucking asked Amy to go meet people and see the world. The whole point was that she didn’t want to tie Amy down. She told herself she could handle Amy with other girls (or guys, or who the fuck ever) if they kept their status at friendship. If they did texts, and phone calls, and FaceTime it’d all be fine. But honestly, it still hurts to think of Amy with anyone else, it still hurts to think that one day, Amy will be someone that stops over to see Evan while her own family tags along, instead of Amy being part of their family.
No, Amy didn’t make a mistake by going, but Karma wonders if she made a mistake in letting her go.
“So, tell me about her,” Karma makes a pathetic attempt at lightening up, trying to wipe away the heavy undercurrent that’s been in their conversation ever since this girl even came up. “Does she like Netflix documentaries?” She wiggles her eyebrows a few times and the corner of Amy’s mouth quirks up.
“She does. She’s really into politics and all the LGBT stuff on campus. Majoring in women’s studies. She’s a year ahead of me so she’s been showing me around,” Amy answers, reluctantly, like someone’s dragging the words out of her. “Karma, it’s not serious. We went on like two dates-”
“Two dates, huh? Is she at least better in bed than Reagan or Madison?” Karma knows the whole question is probably wildly inappropriate, and Amy’s face says as much. It’s not anything they ever really talked about before, so it really doesn’t belong in their conversations now, but it’s like she’s fucking possessed and can’t stop. Now that she knows what Amy’s hands feel like on her skin she doesn’t want to think about them anywhere else. Ever.
Amy blushes, eyebrows furrowed in something that’s not quite anger. “Karma.”
“What? I just know how you are. You move fast-”
“Don’t make me out to be like that,” Amy’s quick to cut her off before things get anymore out of hand. “And for the record - I haven’t even slept with her yet.”
They both freeze at her words, both silently aware that somehow, that was actually the shittier answer.
“I - oh,” Karma manages, sitting straight up. “I have to go, Evan’s crying.”
“No, hey, it’s not -”
“Amy, it’s fine,” she snaps. “I asked for it, right? I just didn’t know - I didn’t expect it to be someone that you actually… I have to go.”
Karma waves in some sort of ass backwards maybe-apology and fumbles for the END button that Evan got his hands on earlier. It’s suddenly much harder to find than it was for a six-month-old.
The phone rings five more times that night, texts flooding in, but Karma just can’t. It hurt when it was some girl that Amy was probably screwing, but Amy’s had flings. Most of the girls Amy’s ever been with have been flings for the casual sex, dinner dates, and the like. But this - Karma knows this is bigger than Amy’s willing to admit.
Amy actually likes this girl - the only other person Amy’s ever cared enough to not just sleep with is - well, that thought process won’t get her anywhere, so she stops it there and heads for the kitchen to warm up a bottle before Evan’s bath. It’s not like she really expected the four years to fly by and for Amy to come crawling back for their life together, it was just something to say to placate her that night, right? (even her subconscious knows that’s complete bullshit.)
Evan hits his tray on the swing in excitement when he sees Karma with his bottle and it cheers her up immensely - he’s starting to really recognize her now in a way he didn’t just a month ago. His whole face lights up when she pulls him from his swing and he starts making noises in excitement, he says something that sounds suspiciously like 'mama’ but she waves it off because she really can’t be sure, and all the books say he probably isn’t there yet.
This is fine, she thinks. This is fine, because she has her little boy that looks at her like she put the goddamn sun in the sky now, and her heart feels so full whenever she makes him smile. For as hard as it is being a single mom, it’s suddenly become so much more rewarding, so this is fine.
Days later, after she finally started answering some of Amy’s texts again, she finds Liam fucking Booker standing at her front door, some obnoxious box is on the ground next to him, and Karma can barely find it in her to roll her eyes. Because of course this is happening.
She swings the door open, unprepared for him flashing a smile like their entire history doesn’t exist (like they don’t have a kid between them now). “Hey, Karma, I -”
“Liam, no. I’m not doing this again, you can’t just show up every few months and expect another chance.”
He nods, gestures at the box, and says, “Look, I get that. I just… was hoping maybe to meet him and I wanted to drop this off. I’ve barely given you anything since Amy basically mugged me and I thought maybe he’d like something like this.”
Karma looks down, sees the picture of the toy on the box, knows Liam spent a fuckton of money on the Bounce Around thing, (she’d seen it in the store and pouted at the price tag) and wants to tell him to stop trying to fucking buy his son’s affection. “Just because you bought him an expensive toy doesn’t mean you’re, like, redeemed for bailing on us.”
“Can I just come in for a few minutes? I really wanna see him,” Liam explains, and while it sounds genuine, too many years of dealing with his bullshit says otherwise to Karma.
It’s against all of her instincts, but when he smiles again she relents. “Fine. Make it quick, he’s due for his nap in a half hour. We finally have a schedule figured out and he’s teething, so he’s been exhausted and miserable.”
It’s mostly bizarre to see Liam standing in her parents living room again, regardless of what he’s there for. He makes his way to the swing Evan’s sitting in and kneels down to grab a few toys scattered across the floor. “Hey… guess who I am?” Liam tries his best for baby talk, but it sounds fucking dumb.
Evan stares blankly, completely unimpressed by the stranger in his face. Karma wants to thank her kid for expressing what she’s feeling. He’s a baby, it’d be so easy for him to just let Liam do whatever, but he's her baby, and so when Liam lifts him from his swing he immediately starts to fuss, looking to Karma like she betrayed him.
Liam just looks uneasy. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m your daddy and I wanted to come over and meet you.”
Daddy. The word coming out of his mouth makes her want to vomit - the man standing in front of her has no right to even use that word around her son. Karma almost bites through her tongue trying not to say as much to him.
“It’s okay, kiddo,” he tries to soothe the baby in his arms, but Evan just keeps fussing until his whimpers turn into real cries and tears start to fall - and that’s all Karma can really handle. She snatches him back from Liam, and 4rocks him a few times until he settles, murmuring that 'everything’s okay’ to make him feel better. His hands find a few loose pieces of her hair, and for a second she winces waiting for him to yank at it like usual, but instead he just twirls it around his tiny, little fingers. “He seems… pleasant.”
“I told you he’s teething,” Karma bites out, barely stopping herself from hurling all her pent up anger in his direction.
“Ah, right,” Liam glances around before taking a seat on the couch. “I wanted to talk to you - about maybe me being in his life more.”
And, well, that's a bombshell she wasn’t expecting. There were a lot of ways this visit played out, but none of the expectations were ever this - and from the look on Liam’s face - it almost looks like he can’t believe they’re here either.
“All of a sudden?” she asks, knowing there has to be more to the story. He used to be Mr. Virtuous, but that was years ago, and it’s been a long time since the person in front of her has done anything that isn’t rooted in selfishness.
“Yeah,” he makes a face and then nods as he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Well, I - Robin and I talked a few weeks ago. And she basically implied that I haven’t been any better than my dad,” he stops to correct himself, “well, my real dad. I don’t want that to be how he thinks of me.”
“So, this isn’t really about him, is it?” Karma asks as she places Evan back in his swing for safekeeping with a teething ring on his tray for distraction. It’s not really the time to have a baby in her arms, not when she’s about to explode in fifty different directions about all of the things that are wrong with the moment she’s finding herself in.
“What do you mean? Of course it is.”
“This is about what he’ll think of you one day, sixteen years from now,” she pauses briefly, and looks at him directly, which is rare. He stiffens at it, like he wants to argue and defend himself, but there’s really just no point and they both know it. “I don’t want you in his life if it isn't for him. I don’t want you here to soothe your future self’s ego, Liam.”
“I’m his father,” he counters, like it means something now.
“Wrong,” she responds, reeling on him, clearly irritated. “Amy’s been more of a parent to him than you ever have. He has your DNA, no more, no less.”
“She never let me be a part of your lives,” he shoots back with a sigh, standing to pace the room a few times. “She shut me out and you let her. Like always, Karma. She always wins, even when it's my kid.”
There are words coming out of his mouth that are making her question what she ever even saw in him in the first place. Evan isn’t a possession for them to be fighting over, he’s not the trophy in the little competition Liam and Amy have been having since they were fifteen or sixteen. He’s a baby that got lost in the shuffle of the three of them, but he’s so much more than a consolation prize.
“If she shut you out, it was to protect me, and well, you never really tried very fucking hard to get back in, did you?!” Karma’s yelling now, stealing a glance to find Evan with wide eyes, and curses herself for letting this happen in front of him.
“I’m not doing this,” he snaps, as though he has any right to be the one that’s frustrated. “I came here to try to fix things and you’ve done nothing but rip my head off from the second I got here. I don’t need this.”
“Oh, fuck you, Liam. Leave then. You did it once and we got by.”
He doesn’t apologize, he’s not really that kind of person. Instead, all she gets in response is his back as he slams the door and Evan just sort of wails at all the noise. Karma deflates visibly as she pulls him back out of his swing and flops onto a couch cushion. Her head aches from the beginnings of an intense migraine making itself known, making it hard to try to bounce her legs a few times to get Evan to relax and focus on his little frozen teething ring that always makes his mouth feel better if he just takes the time to use it.
“I wish Amy was here,” she says heavily, getting a whiff of baby shampoo when she hugs Evan closer. He grunts at the movement, but finally holds the little ring himself for the first timeever, and well, even the small victories feel like something more now.
Hours later, when Evan’s milk drunk and passed out, Karma calls the only person that knows how to talk her down from a Liam encounter. She’s disappointed when it goes straight to voicemail, biting her tongue to hold back tears that she knows aren’t warranted enough for a missed call.
“Amy, hey, I…” she pauses, wondering if she should’ve just hung up, or maybe never called at all. “I just wanted to say I miss you. And I’m sorry our FaceTime date with Evan got messed up, maybe we can reschedule? When you’re not busy, of course. Okay, well, um - I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night.”
The overwhelming loneliness is the hardest part. And most days, it’s easy to focus on all the good things she has, but in the middle of the night, without Evan to occupy her every move, she remembers exactly what’s missing and how she’s the one that made it go.
The unexpected visits don’t stop with Liam.
Robin, Liam’s fucking sister/mom/whatever, is on Karma’s front step a week later, and it’s the most unexpected one yet. She reaches for her phone, remembers Amy’s in class and not at her disposal, and makes quick work of cleaning up the tornado her kid left before she heads to the door.
“Is there something I can do for you?” Karma asks, not trying to be rude, but she can’t even recall if she’s ever even formally met Robin so none of this really makes any sense.
Robin’s phone buzzes in her purse, but she ignores it. Somehow, that feels important.
“I think we need to have a conversation,” she begins, calm, measured and surprisingly earnest. “I should’ve approached you before, but I didn’t think it was right. You’ve had enough to deal with without my complicating things.”
Of all the things Karma thought she might say, that’s not one of them. The only things she knows about her are the catalog of lies she told Liam, that she walks around looking like a runway model, but has a business degree from the University of Pennsylvania, according to Lauren, and she was nice to Amy once when she gatecrashed the family party. Clearly, she fell for the wrong Booker.
“May I?” Robin asks, and Karma realizes she hasn’t actually moved to let her inside.
Karma shrugs, still flustered, and lets her in anyway. “Well, you’re here now.”
Robin says nothing in reply, stepping over the threshold and into the house with a confidence Karma will never possess, in a wardrobe she’ll never be able to afford. She motions for Robin to sit on the couch, taking the nearest chair for herself. Suddenly she feels underdressed, and seeing Robin sitting there on her parents couch is fucking weird.
“Firstly,” she starts again, putting down her bag. “I want to apologize.”
“For what? You have nothing to apologize for.”
“For not helping you when I could’ve. I don’t condone how Liam’s treated you at all.”
“You don’t?” Karma splutters out, knee-jerk, and then hates herself immediately. “I’m sorry.”
Robin laughs a little, and it seems to break the tension. “It’s fine. I get it. I’m sure Liam’s painted me as the wicked abandoning sister-mom.”
This time, Karma has the good sense to stay silent.
“Thought so. Well, at least he’s consistent in something.”
“Consistently selfish,” slips out of Karma’s mouth before she realizes.
“Exactly,” she smirks. “He’s a Booker alright, my parents raised him well. Let’s just say, he hasn’t had the best example from any of us. I’m not making excuses, he made his own choices, but I haven’t been there for him.”
She looks sad all of a sudden, and Karma feels strangely sorry for her, because she hasn’t really had the opportunity to be anything to Liam. Not a sister, not a mother, not really anything at all. She used to feel sorry for Liam, but now she just feels sorry for the woman across from her. But, Karma feels simultaneously lucky too, because she gets to be a mother to Evan in a way Robin was never allowed to.
“I made a lot of mistakes where Liam is concerned. You’re dealing with it a lot better than I did. I admire that,” Robin says as Karma raises her eyebrows, something like shock covering her face. She’d expected money or the Liam-defense-squad, not this woman admitting her failings and giving her validation for all of her decisions.
“I - have no idea what I’m doing,” Karma finally admits, hands gripping the sides of the chair.
Robin smiles. “I remember feeling that way through my entire pregnancy with Liam. I was terrified. I can only imagine what I might’ve felt if I’d had to actually raise him. You don’t give yourself enough credit, Karma. Liam hasn’t said much about him, but just the fact that you’re so worried about being a good mother to him speaks volumes.”
“Well, he’s still alive, so I always try to look at that as my biggest accomplishment,” she notes with a shrug, trying to add some levity to their conversation. Robin chuckles before reaching for her bag again.
“I know he’s asleep, but I was hoping I could just take a peek before I go?”
Karma nods and leads them to his little bedroom at the back of the house. The door creaks open and she winces, hoping it doesn’t wake him, because this afternoon nap is all the time she really has to herself. Evan’s sleeping soundly on his belly, and Karma smiles because she knows she put him to bed on his back a half hour ago. His hands are sprawled out on the mattress and his hair is sticking up in ten different directions. Robin laughs quietly when she peers over the side of the crib.
“I’m sorry he’s not awake,” Karma says, softly, reaching in to adjust the blanket he’s tangled up in.
Robin sucks in a breath and finally says, “I remember being sixteen and coming to look at Liam when he was this little. Of course, then he’d cry and our nanny would whisk him away, but in those moments before he’d wake, I’d pretend I was a better mother to him - that I hadn’t let my parents make my decisions. I always wondered whether he would’ve turned out differently.”
Karma just stands quietly, imagining herself in a world like that. A world where she’s not the one that comforts Evan or worries about his wellbeing. There are always moments that make her wonder if she could’ve given him a better life, but all of Robin’s regrets prove that no matter what choice she made she’d always be haunted by all the paths she didn’t take.
“I guess this is answer enough,” Robin says as she runs a hand through Evan’s hair. “He looks a lot like Liam, you know.”
Karma blinks, recognizing little bits of Liam in him that she’d spent the better part of six months ignoring. “He does.”
“That must be hard,” Robin comments, looking to Karma for some sort of reaction.
“He has half of Liam’s genes, it was bound to happen,” she says instead. And then after a moment continues with, “I don’t regret him.”
“You shouldn’t.”
No matter how much Karma’s been pushing away the fact that Liam is part of Evan - Robin is the first to really acknowledge the other side of his family. Maybe everyone else has just been being nice, not mentioning the fact that Evan does look a lot like his father, but Karma’s been thinking it for the last few weeks as Evan’s turned into more of a real person. It’s not easy to come to terms with the fact that no matter what, Liam is forever a part of her life, even if he’s a fucking deadbeat, the face of the little boy in the crib is going to be a constant reminder of the fact that he’s one half of the person she hates most in the world right now.
“I’m glad that Evan won’t end up like Liam, not with a mother like you,” Robin concludes, sighing deeply immediately after. “If you need anything, call me, please. Regardless of your situation with Liam, I’d like to think I’m someone you can come to for help - financially, or otherwise.”
Karma’s handed a small business card and she laughs lightly at how formal it all is coming from her kid’s grandmother. It feels like they’re on common ground when Robin hugs her goodbye, and then it feels like she was never there at all, but Karma feels all the ways in which Robin’s words have changed her already.
The rest of the night passes quietly with Evan, he’s as entertaining as he’s ever been at this age, and Karma laughs when his face contorts epically at the mushed peas she offers him on a miniature spoon. He reaches out, hits the spoon, and most of it ends up on the floor, but she really can’t do anything other than laugh and kiss his cheek.
She thinks of Amy, and how much she would’ve enjoyed watching him try vegetables, how she’d lament the fact that he couldn’t try any of the 'good snacks.’ Karma could just picture her empathizing with his case, probably conspiring to get rid of all the jars of baby food she stocked up on last week. When she lays him back in his crib for the night she promises they’ll try mushed bananas tomorrow, that no one really likes peas, and she can’t blame him for his personal preferences.
It goes without saying that she could use company, but her parents are on another juice truck trip, and she never expected to be on her own this much. Lauren and Shane have extended extra invites, aside from their random visits, but it seems weird to think of spending a lot of time with them without Amy there too.
And that’s the crux of it, most of her everyday life feels weird without Amy.
So, Karma gathers some courage, flicks through her contacts, and sends another FaceTime request. Her mind races as it rings, wondering if Amy will be disappointed that Evan’s already asleep since their last try at this was a total fail.
Amy smiles when the reception clears. “Hey, you,” she says, softly, and Karma can’t help the smile that graces her face either. “I’m sorry I missed your call the other night, we went to this comedy show off campus, I think you woulda really liked it.”
“I’m sure,” Karma nods, noticing the added pictures and posters on the dorm walls. “Did you have fun?”
“I did. But what about you? What’s been going on… your texts haven’t said much.”
It’s no secret that their texts have been short and uninformative, just enough to keep Amy placated. “I’ve just - there’s been a lot. Liam stopped by, and then Robin made an appearance today.”
Amy urges her on as Karma relays the last few weeks, feeling the weight finally settle on her shoulders. The story is long, and Amy just looks at her, says all the right things, but it doesn’t ease the burden Karma’s carrying. It’s all her own, and she’s starting to just accustom herself to this being her new normal.
“I wish you could be here, Karm. It just doesn’t - I wish we were doing college together, like we planned,” Amy says, genuinely, in lieu of saying none of this is fair because it’s all been said before.
“You can do it for both of us,” she replies with a sad smile. “How’s-”
“Is this the famous Karma?” a voice sounds from off screen and then there’s a whole lot of brown hair, brown eyes, and a kind smile taking up half the screen. “Amy’s said so much about you that I feel like we’ve met.”
“Um, ditto,” Karma’s quick to answer, covering the fact that she’s heard all of two fucking words about this girl because she never let the conversation happen. “Nic, right?”
“For short. It’s Nicole, actually, but it seems rather formal. Your little one is so cute, Amy actually never stops showing us all pictures of him.”
Karma grins, looking to Amy as she blushes. “Ah, thank you. I wish he was still awake so I could show him off, but you know, bedtimes and all,” she reminds with a shrug, Amy frowns at the lack of her favorite little person.
“I was hoping he might still be up.”
“Sorry, Ames, we had a long day. We tried peas for dinner, he wasn’t a fan,” she tells them with a laugh.
Amy snorts at the image. “Because who likes peas? That’s an evil food to start with.”
Nic just smirks at their exchange before standing, leaning down to whisper something in Amy’s ear. Karma can’t make out the words, but she sees the smile and the way Amy looks up to say goodbye. There’s a vague wave of familiar nausea that sweeps through, but she shakes it off, waving as Nic turns back. “It was nice to finally get to speak with you, Karma.”
“You too,” Karma replies, making eye contact with Amy who just looks uncomfortable.
If someone told Karma a few years ago that they’d be in this position, uneasily staring each other down over cell phone screens with a baby and new girl sort of between them, she’d have thought they were crazy. Her life has taken a lot of twists and turns, its gone so far off the path of what she had planned that she can’t even fucking see the path anymore.
“She seems nice,” Karma comments, as blandly as she can. “Where’s she from?”
“All over, really,” Amy responds, neutrally. She looks away a few times, giving away all of her nervous tics. “Her dad’s french.”
“Explains her accent,” she says after a moment, and they sit in silence, the awkward sitting in the space between them. She takes a breath to collect herself and asks the question that’s been on the tip of her tongue since Nic first appeared, “Are you happy?”
“Karma, I - Jesus…” Amy sighs and leans her phone up against something on the desk to free her hands. “How am I supposed to answer that?”
“Truthfully.”
She runs her hands through her hair a few times and looks directly into the phone. “Something like it.”
“That’s all I wanted,” Karma finally breathes out, Amy’s answer unraveling her completely. She’d planned to be more poised, more accepting of this, because it’s what she asked for. But, things are always easier said than done. “Date with Evan next week still okay?”
“Of course, Karm,” Amy agrees easily, worry pouring out over the line.
Later, when Karma’s flicking through social media to cure her insomnia, she gets a notification that feels like a knife to the chest.
Nicole Roche wants to be friends with you on Facebook.
Hitting 'confirm’ on her screen is so much easier than accepting what that really means for her and Amy in real life.