Happy St. Patricks day! <3
my gift to all of you
enjoy.
X
Previous Chapters
You had an almost perfect time at Amy’s house for the week. Almost referring to your brief argument with Amy over Saturday morning breakfast. Your choosing to ignore the whole panic attack incident. It never happened. Perfect meaning you managed to get to know Amy’s family over the past couple of days and they really seem to genuinely like you, you even found time to pencil in a facial with her mom before you left where you spent your time chatting about cheerleading and beauty regimes, things women like her love. You know how to charm people. It’s in your nature. You are head cheerleader of a University after all – well at least you still think you are anyway. But your not going to focus on the cheer issue right now.
Right now your trying to focus on Amy’s hands roaming up and down your nearly naked body, your new Victoria’s Secret lingerie the only thing that’s stopping you from fucking each other right now. Your mind however seems to be somewhere else. Somewhere in the realm of Dallas. Somewhere in the past. The accident and your mom and dad’s reaction making it really hard for you to not cry right now, more like sob uncontrollably. You feel lucky that Amy decided to pepper kisses along your bare torso right now, it buys you a couple of minutes before the questions start coming. Questions your not even sure you have the answer too.
Amy’s kisses are getting dangerously closer to your face again, lingering over your heart which only brings more tears to your eyes because no one should care about you half as much as Amy does. You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve to be loved. Not after what you did. What you destroyed. Not even your own family can love you. Amy deserves so much more than you. She tilts your head back, softly kissing your neck and you can feel the tears unwillingly escaping your eyes, and you try so hard to keep them in, using your hand to hold your mouth and stop the sobs.
‘Karma. This lingerie…best idea you ever had… best part of the whole weekend…just, wow.’’ Amy groans her kisses closing in on your lips and it’s the split second when her eyes meet yours that you can see pure love and adoration behind them. Amy quickly grabs hold of your face, relinquishing her grip on your waist and waits on you to say something, anything but the words just don’t come out. You close your eyes, forcing down your bad memories, trying to be grateful for what you have right now but you can’t, because Amy’s lying you down on the bed, cradling you in her arms like a child, and you just let go, sobs escaping your mouth, your hands gripping her chest. She makes you feel safe. Safer than you’ve ever felt when you think about it. Think about him. Something about going home doesn’t feel safe to you. You don’t get that sense of pride or familiarness that Amy had when you talked about Austin. You feel sick. Like your entire teenage years is a black hole of nothingness and emptiness that you’ve been avoiding. You just have no idea why.
Amy doesn’t try to talk to you tonight. She pulls her zippy off the ground and wraps it around your semi naked body, completely removing any sexual element from this moment, letting you know that she’s in it for you. Not just your body. Something that you’ve never experienced before with any other partner. You’ve never really felt like anyone loves you apart from your mom. Your father maybe, but it’s almost like he isn’t there in your mind. Lucas Ashcroft is wiped out of your memories somehow. Your picture yourself growing up and all you can see is you and your mom playing dolls, sometimes Zen would flash by, but that’s it. You never see your father. Sometimes you cant even remember what he looks like. You barely sleep that night, tossing and turning thinking about your trip to Dallas tomorrow.
You can tell that Amy’s worried. She’s pretending to sleep but it’s a dead giveaway everytime you move when she squeezes you that little bit tighter into her. Being protective has always come second nature for Amy, which is one of the reasons you fell in love with her so easily. When she’s finally asleep it’s 4am. You can hear your moms voice in your head telling you that nothing good ever happens after 4am, and for some reason that makes you feel dirty, you need to clean yourself right now. You slip out of Amy’s grip as carefully as possible, determined not to wake her and cross the room into the bathroom, turning on the shitty motel shower and stripping off your clothes. You let the water wash over you, trying to scrub yourself but nothing is making this overwhelming sense of dirtiness go away right now, so you cry silently under the stream of water, not really wanting to understand the depth as to why your crying. Eventually you slip back into the bed next to Amy, but you don’t bundle up in her arms tonight, instead you hug yourself on the edge of the bed, trying to shut your eyes for atleast an hour before you have to wake up again.
‘Karma.’ Amy’s tentatively stroking your hair back out of your face, and you shiver a little bit because it’s still wet and your freezing above the blankets, but you didn’t want to wake Amy up when you snuck back into bed an hour ago. ‘Karma your freezing, come here.’ Amy lifts the blanket and you silently slip underneath it, not moving towards her until she crosses the line over to you and hugs you tightly against her body. You feel ill. Like your bodys trying to tell you something that your mind is relentlessly trying to forget. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Amy asks kissing your forehead, you merely shake your head in response as a no gesture.
‘I’m just overly tired.’ You reassure her, wrapping your legs around hers in attempt to ease her mind. It seems to work because the questions stop. You shut your eyes again, flashes of the crash running through your mind, your moms face, your dads look of pure anger when you the officer told him you were with Liam when you crashed. You jerk awake, reaching out your hand in the bed expecting to find Amy there but she’s not there, which makes you panic even more, hoping to your feet to search the tiny hotel room, your heart racing when you cant find her. The door to the room swings open, Amy fully clothed with a dunken donuts bag and two cups of coffee standing before you, you basically charge at her, knocking her backwards a bit as you wrap your arms around her neck and squeeze tightly.
‘Hey.’ Amy hugs you back, placing the coffee on a table near the door and just dropping the donuts bag, which is totally out of character for her. ‘I’m right here. What’s gotten into you?’ she asks stroking your back soothingly.
‘I…I….I woke up and you were gone.’ You stutter out, completely frazzled by why you feel like that’s such a big deal right now. ‘Don’t ever do that again Amy. I thought something happened to you!’ you shoot her a cross look, detatching yourself from her and starting to gather your things to leave for Dallas.
‘Ok I wont.’ Amy watches you intently, as if she’s waiting on you to break. ‘Karms, are you sure your ready to go home?’ she asks, scepticism obvious in her entire posture as you bustle about the room packing your bag.
‘Yes, why wouldn’t I be?’ you snap at her, and you know she doesn’t deserve that, you just feel like you need to be angry right now, your emotions are going crazy.
‘Ok, well, whenever your ready I guess. I filled up my car with gass this morning so we should be there in like… an hour or two depending on traffic.’
‘Cool.’ You muster out. But it’s not. Your completely on edge. Yet you have no idea why.
X
Amy puts the car in park outside your childhood home and pulls her sunglasses down off her eyes to look over at you, patiently waiting for you to atleast look like your going to make a move out of the car. Your stuck between excited to see your mom and petrified to go into your house. You haven’t been home since you started college, spending your breaks either drunk at the dive bar next to campus or drunk with some Fratt boys family. Amy changes that now so you know you have to face up to this moment. You have to deal with whatever it is that’s been stopping you from being back here. You can see your mom peaking through the curtains of your living room before she seems unable to contain her excitement anymore and busts through the front door excitedly making her way down the driveway. Amy laughs a little, unclicking your seatbelt for you and watching intently as you step out of the car and basically dive into your moms embrace. She’s the only person in your entire world apart from Amy that ever made you feel loved beyond doubt and youd be lying to yourself if you said that you didn’t miss her every day you were apart because for the first 18 years of your life she was your only source of happiness that didn’t come in a bottle at a convienience store.
‘Karma dear I can’t believe you here.’ Your moms pulls back with a matching tear stained face to your own, stepping back a bit to take a look at you but not letting go of your hands. ‘And look, you’ve grown into…you’re such a beautiful young woman.’ The sound of a car door closing draws your attention away from your mom and you beam back at Amy with pride, gesturing for her to come over, which she does smiling nervously.
‘Mommy, this is Amy, my girlfriend.’ You smile adoringly at Amy, reaching out your hand to slip your fingers into hers. ‘Amy, this is the only competition you will ever have in my life for all my love and affection.’ Amy lets out a small laugh, reaching her hand out to greet your mom who unsurprisingly to you tugs her into an embrace.
‘It’s so nice to meet you Amy. Wow you’re a gorgeous girl aren’t you?’ your mom eyes up a plainly dressed in a white lose fit v neck tee and dark skinny jeans Amy who still somehow manages to radiate beauty. You have to agree with your mom on this one. Amy blushes a deep shade of pink under your moms gaze. ‘Karma you are a very lucky girl.’ Your about to respond when Amy cuts you off.
‘No Mrs Ashcroft, I can assure you that I’m the very lucky girl in our relationship.’ There was no hope for Amy after that, your mom had her by her free hand tugging her up the driveway and suggesting that you get the bags from the car and meet them in the kitchen. Once you’ve grabbed the bags from the boot of Amy’s car you lock it and make your way up the driveway, lingering on the threshold of the house for a second, until you feel a rough hand nudge you in the front door in an all too familiar way.
‘Welcome home pumpkin. My, my have you grown up. ’ Your father barely even looks at you, closing the door behind you and pecking your lips as a greeting, which makes you feel a little bit queasy but you chose to ignore it, intent on finding Amy before your mother forces her into committing her time here to her vegetable garden.
You find them in the kitchen, Amy propped up against the island in the centre and your mom already showing her a million different pictures of you as a kid.
‘Mom stop that’s so embarrassing.’ You chime in, slipping into position next to Amy and trying to cover up some of the worst photos.
‘If you got to see me naked in Farrahs kitchen sink then I get to see you dressed as Ariel at school.’ Amy replies taking the remainder of the photos out of your reach and planting herself in a chair at the kitchen table.
‘Amy seems nice dear.’ Your mom smiles at you, nodding over in the direction of the blonde. ‘Is she your first girlfriend? Whatever happened to that Liam fellow?’
‘Um, I guess you could say she’s my first official girlfriend.’ You say rubbing the back of your neck and hopping that your mom wont ask you to explain what you mean by that. Now is not the time to have the I’m a slut conversation. ‘Liam just wasn’t for me. Daddy made sure of that.’ You scoff out thinking about it, your father basically threathened to have Liam put up for statutory rape if he even looked at you.
‘Your fathers just being protective Karma.’ Your moms tone is stern, a complete u-turn from her previous attitude. ‘He always has been protective of you sweety. All dads are.’ The word protective makes you shudder for some reason, almost like it’s dirty as well.
‘Amy’s amazing.’ You state gazing over at her. ‘We’ve been dating for the past eleven months now mom and I’ve never been happier. She makes me feel safe, loved, completed. Everything you’ve been telling me to look for in a partner since I was a little girl. I love her. I’m in love with her.’
‘She looks at you like she loves you too.’ Your mom points out, nudging you so that you see Amy peeping over at you above the photos in her hands. Making you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
‘She better be.’ You chuckle. ‘We’re moving into our own apartment off campus when we get back to college. So she’s kind of stuck with me now.’
‘Karma dear I can tell you one thing about that girl straight away.’ Your mom points to Amy’s phone which she left on the counter from when she was talking to your mom earlier, tapping the home button so the screen lights up with a picture of you, without any makeup or additives, smiling with you head on a pillow in her dorm room bed. You remember the moment she took it. You had just made love for the first time since your tiny separation period. It felt amazing. ‘She’s more than happy to be stuck with you.’
‘Ames, come on, lets put our bags in my room.’ You call out to the blonde who quickly hops up, picking up your bags. ‘It’s cool if Amy sleeps in my room right?’ you ask your mom and Amy blushes again, in her overly cute dorky way.
‘Karma dear you know how I feel about love. Spread it. You and Amy need to show your room your new love. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing that’ you nod your head as Amy stares at your mom, unsure whether or not she’s messing with you so you tug her up the stairs with you, your stomach tying in knots with every step you take.
‘Wow dark.’ Amy comments as you slip into your room, closing the bedroom door behind you. Your walls are covered in sketched black drawings, the rest of your room noticeably bare, not an ounce of colour anywhere. The room basically reflects your teenage years, full of sell loathing and dark emotions. ‘I was kind of expecting pompoms and frill and pink…sort of like your dorm room’ Amy muses wandering over to your drawings and running her finger along them. ‘Your talented. Dark and creepy kind of talented. But still talented. It’s kind of hot.’
‘Only kind of?’ you sneak up behind her, looping your arms around her waist and resting your head on her back. ‘To be honest I don’t really remember a lot about being here, or drawing these pictures. It’s kind of like I blacked out for most of my teenage years. I feel like a stranger here.’ Amy turns around in your arms, her hands sliding underneath your thighs to lift you and walk you over to the bed, a huge toothy grin on her face.
‘Your home. You did it.’ Amy playfully throws you onto the bed and hovers above you, making you giggle. ‘Now tell me cheerleader, did you ever fantasise about having the dorky chick from the mathletes club in your bed?’ Amy quirks an eyebrow at you, biting her lip.
‘Believe it or not I never had anyone in my bed.’ You answer honestly and Amy seems a little bit stumped, leaning back so that she’s straddling you and getting lost in her own thoughts. She does that sometimes, you always think it’s cute when she runs away to her own little world in her mind. ‘Doctor Raudenfeld, paging Doctor Raudenfeld back to her girlfriend’s bed.’ You tease her, using your hands to prop yourself up so that your nearly face to face with her. Amy seems to be completely lost in her own little world, if not a little frazzled when you decide to break her out of it by connecting your lips with hers – tasting the melon she ate in the car on the way here and smiling to yourself when she finally responds and kisses you back. Her hands cupping your cheeks and this look in her eye that you don’t recognise.
‘You can talk to me about anything. You know that right?’ the air seems heavier when she says it, and you feel your mind racing with images of the nights you spent crying alone in this room, drunken hazes filled with pictures of your dad stumbling into your room late at night and shaking you awake. You shake your head to wipe away the memories, holding back the tears threathening to escape your eyes. ‘Karma. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ You say softly and that’s when it feels a little bit better and her lips are on yours again and your feeling weak and tired and your sick of it so you roll her over so that your on top, dominating the passionate kissing that has ensued, thankful that Amy ignores the fact that your cheeks are wet now from the fear tears that have fallen and lets you get lost in the moment. You just wish that you could have went through with it, the second her hand even hovered over the button of your jeans you jerked back from her, basically diving off her and to the back of your bed.
‘Did I hurt you?’ Amy asks panic stricken by your out of character reaction, normally you’re the one who’s begging her to go there, but something about doing this here makes you feel uneasy. Sick. Dirty. You can’t let Amy touch you here. Not when you’ve spent so many nights wishing that no one ever did touch you here. Amy’s on her knees in front of you, and your pretty sure that she’s talking but you cant hear the words, all you can see is her mouth opening and closing and her finger waving in front of your face. You need to snap out of this. You shake your head and hop to your feet at the side of your bed, lingering over by the window of your room.
‘I’m fine. More than fine really. It’s really hot in here isn’t it.’ You sound frantic so you take a deep breath trying to get it under control. Amy’s gazing over at you, confusion written all over her face as she clearly tries to suss you out right now. ‘Lets get out of here. Go for a walk or something.’ You walk into your closet and pull out an old raincoat of yours, throwing it over your shoulders and waltzing over toward the door to your bedroom, trying really hard not to break right now. ‘Ames come on.’ Amy’s scanning your room like she’s looking for something, before she hops to her feet and walks over to you taking your hand in hers.
‘Karma, back there, I need to know if I hurt you.’ Amy’s beating herself up and you know it which is making you feel more disgusting and dirty than you already do.
‘No you didn’t Amy.’ She lets out a sigh of relief, running her free hand through her hair. ‘Sex in my parents’ house, it’s weird ok? I’m just not into it.’ You’re an amazing liar. You tell yourself that when Amy seems satisfied with your answer shrugging her shoulders and nodding her head following you out your bedroom door.
X
Two sleepless nights later.
‘My mom just texted me to meet her for dinner at Luke’s diner.’ You smile down at the message, tapping out a quick yes in response before stuffing the phone in your pocket and taking Amy’s hand in yours again, relaxing into her side as you stroll through the local park. You needed this. Just to be you and Amy. Air to breathe. Being home is unravelling you slowly.
‘Cool.’ Amy replies. ‘What about your dad? I haven’t met him yet, is he coming?’ for some reason you want to run away right in that second. Your head starts to spin and you can feel your palms sweating. Amy and your dad, it just doesn’t feel right. ‘Karma… you keep zoning out on me, are you sure your ok?’
‘Fine. I’m just tired. All the travelling.’ You lie again, clenching your jaw a little bit and changing your direction toward the diner where your meeting your mom. ‘My dad’s working…my dad’s working late. I’m sure you’ll meet him some other time.’
‘Baking?’ Amy you raising an eyebrow in confusion. ‘Since when do bakers work late.’
‘Since now.’ You snap a little, feeling the pressure of your lie starting to build. ‘Just drop it Amy. My mom’s waiting on us.’
You arrive at the diner in the next half hour, Amy accepting that you don’t want to talk about your dad and choosing to not be weird about it right now. Your more than thankful because you feel like you want your mom to know your ok. Your happy. Protected. Safe. Everything that she’s ever wanted for you since you were a little girl, and Amy’s that for you. She’s your picture of happiness, so your mom liking her means everything to you.
‘Amy how’s college going?’ your mom asks her, sipping on her cup of tea.
‘Difficult. I mean, I’m a pre-med major and it requires a lot of discipline and study…’ you squeeze her arm a little bit, knowing that she’s been feeling stressed about her work lately. You’ve tried to be there for her as much as possible, but there’s not really much you can do for her when she’s so much smarter than you will ever be. ‘It’s hard finding a balance between all of that, and then spending time with Karma is obviously really important to me.’
‘Im sure that will get easier now that you’re moving in together.’ Your mom is basically hopping with excitement and Amy beams over at you, her reaction obviously meaning a lot to her. ‘Moving in together is a big step. But it’s also a great step. You won’t have to worry about pencilling in time to see eachother anymore because you’ll always be there for eachother.’
‘Yes we will.’ You says softly, squeezing Amy’s hand in yours. She knows it’s your way of apologising for earlier. She leans over kissing your cheek and the food arrives on the table at the same time.
‘What about you Karma sweetie? How are things going for you in college?’ your mom asks digging into her chicken pie, Amy seems curious, pursing her lips. You never really talk about your major. If anything you talk about the squad, or your relationship.
‘College is fine. I’m doing ok I guess.’
‘Everythings under control?’ she asks, you know what she’s talking about straight away, your drinking problem. You cant believe your mom is trying to use code.
‘Amy knows about my drinking problem mom.’ You say blankly, reaching into your jacket pocket and pulling out your four month sobriety pin, placing it on the table for your mom to see. ‘She’s the reason I have this. I’m getting better. I take it day by day but I’m getting there.’
‘You did that all by yourself. Don’t take that away from you.’ Amy’s proud, you can tell, so is your mom.
‘Actually mom, maybe you can help me with something.’ You muse over the fact that you still haven’t been able to pinpoint when you started drinking or why, something that comes up in nearly every AA meeting. ‘Do you remember when I started drinking?’ your mom stiffens, and your pretty sure that fear etches across her face, which frightens you a bit.
‘You’ve been drinking for longer than I can remember Karma.’ She deapans, handing your pin back to you. Amy takes it before you can shove it back in your pocket, admiring it, basically trying to highlight your achievement even more, and you love her for it because your mom just made you feel like shit.
‘What about what triggered it?’ you ask her sceptical that she might actually know the answer. ‘My mind… it wont let me remember when or why it happened. And it’s an impotant part of the recovery process that I find out.’
‘Lets not talk about that right now dear.’ Your mom brushes it off, sweeping your problem under the rug, which is probably how you ended up so fucked up in the first place. ‘Tell me more about you and Amy. Love is the most important thing in the world girls.’
‘Mom we need to-‘
‘Karma not now. Don’t disrespect me.’ Your mom is flustered, and your really confused. ‘How’s Liam doing?’
‘Liam?’ Amy asks raising an eyebrow at you. ‘Liam who?’
‘Liam Booker.’ You respond flatly.
‘Karma and Liam dated during high school, didn’t you sweetheart?’
‘Yes we did.’ You ignore Amy’s fist clencing that little bit tighter on her fork.
‘You never told me that you know him?’ Amy ask, shifting in her eat to intently stare at you, a hurt expression lining her face. You have on many occasions listened to Amy ranted on about how obnoxious this guy in all her classes is, with his perfect hair and rich daddy buying his way into places. You didn’t want Amy to be disappointed in you when she realised you were one of things that he bought into.
‘I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.’ You whisper to her in a hushed tone, trying to deter your mother from hearing. ‘I know how much you dislike him.’
‘Did you sleep with him too?’ Amy asks you blankly. Her eyes full of unshed tears and anger.
‘Are we really going to talk about this in front of my mother?’ your voice faltering, Amy flinching beside you, the answer to her question obvious in your entire demeanour.
‘I… I have to go for a walk.’ A tear escapes Amy’s eye, rolling down her cheek, and you can feel a lump forming in your throat, watching her break a little bit in front of you. ‘I’m sorry Mrs Ashcroft. I ruined dinner, I’m so sorry.’ Amy stumbles out of her chair, swatting away your hand as you reach out in a weak attempt to get her to stay. You stiffen when you hear the bell on the door sounding, signalling that Amy has left the diner.
‘Karma, are you ok sweety?’
‘When have I ever been ok mom.’ You spit at her, anger at yourself for being here in the first place taking over. ‘Why did you bring Liam up? You know Amy’s my girlfriend. Talking about an ex is never a good fucking idea.’
‘Karma don’t you dare blame this on me.’
‘I can blame a lot more on you then this mom. You and I both know that.’ You slam your fist down on the table, years of pent up anger taking over.
‘I have no idea what your talking about.’
‘Go ask daddy then. We both know that he does.’
‘Karma.’
‘You let him do it to me. For five fucking years. Atleast once a week. You made me sick. You made me this way. Now you tore away the only thing that could stop me from hating myself. The only person who has ever fucking loved me.’
‘Karma.’
‘Don’t.’
X
You basically run home, in the lashing rain, knowing what Amy’s next move will be. You find her throwing her bag into the back of her car, rain pelting down on top of her, her expression blank as she slams the boot shut with a force that describes her mood.
‘Amy what the hell are you doing.’ You yell at her, pushing yourself in front of her car door before she can get there. She scowls at you, trying to move you to the side gently, knowing that she could never actually hurt you, but you remain directly firm against the door. Tears streaming down your face. ‘You can’t leave me. Not here.’
‘Get out of the way Karma.’ Amy’s voice is firm, full of anger and betrayal. ‘You lied to me for months. Months. Get out of my way.’
‘You’re a coward!’ you yell at her. ‘Your angry at me for something that happened before I even met you. Your looking for an out. You’re a fucking coward!’
‘Fuck you Karma. Fuck you.’ Amy slams her fist against the car beside your head in anger, turning away from you the second after.
‘I need you right now. Your supposed to love me. You cant leave me here. Not with him.’ The words slip out of your mouth before you realise what you’ve said, and you immediately feel yourself sliding down the car, hysterically sobbing as the memories flash through your mind. Years of mental and physical abuse. Abuse that you numbed with alcohol and Amy. Both of which have been sucked out from underneath you. You feel sick. Your disgusting. You deserve to die. You let this happen to you. You let him touch you.
‘Karma!’ Amy snaps her finger in front of your face, crawling down beside you, fear etched across her expression. ‘Karma can you hear me? Karma answer me. Who’s he? Liam? Karma what the hell is going on?’
‘Please just take me away from here.’ You whimper, your head falling back against the car. ‘This was a mistake. I need to get out of here. Amy please. Amy help me. I’m begging you. Please just-‘ Amy cuts you off, lifting you from the ground and helping you into the back seat of her car, lying you down and clicking your seat belt on. The last thing you remember is the sound of the car door slamming.