By Steve Waller of A Conscious Rethink
It is virtually impossible to adequately describe what love is because the English language lacks the necessary words. We can, however, suggest some of its most basic characteristics and discuss what love is not.
Many relationships are actually based upon attachment and not real, heartfelt love, and while some couples may cohabit in such an existence for their entire lives, most will eventually succumb to separation.
If you don’t want to be a part of such a couple, you need to be able to identify when you are experiencing true love and when you are merely attached to your partner.
Here are 5 of the key differences between love and attachment.
1. Love Is Independence. Attachment Is Co-dependence.
When you are truly in love, you feel the bond between you and your partner even when they are not with you. In a sense, love sets you free because you can enjoy the company of others – even your own company – and know that you hold love in your heart. You do not place your happiness and enjoyment of life in the hands of another, but take full responsibility for it.
When you are merely attached, you feel incomplete whenever your partner is absent. You find it difficult to embrace your present situation regardless of who you are sharing it with because you are not fully happy within yourself. You equate your partner with the missing piece of the puzzle, and don’t understand that you are the only person who can make you feel complete.
2. Love Is United. Attachment Is Divided.
A relationship based upon love is one in which the two people work together for their mutual benefit. They share the duties, they share the responsibilities, and they share the results. Love creates a united front; one that is stronger than either partner by themselves and it is this synergy that pushes the relationship to bigger and better things.
Attachment, on the other hand, involves a level of discord and argument. Each party seems to want to head in different directions and has opposing motives for doing so. Such a couple will struggle when it comes to furthering their relationship because their desires won’t match up and each will try and push their agenda.
3. Love Is Selfless. Attachment Is Selfish.
Following on from the previous point, a genuinely loving relationship with the right person is one in which each party is willing to make sacrifices or compromises in order to please the other. This selfless give-and-take helps create a consensus and further strengthens the bonds between the couple.
When a relationship is based upon attachment, that same willingness to relinquish your own time and your own desires is less, or totally non-existent. Instead, more selfish and self-serving behavior is exhibited and asking for help or leeway is met with rejection.
4. Love Is Hope. Attachment Is Fear.
When you experience real love, your mind is one that frequently turns towards the future and it is filled with dreams and hopes. You envisage life with your partner and all of the wonderful things that you can look forward to in your life together.
Attachment is born out of fear; a fear of being alone, of being single, of failing. If you find yourself worrying more about how you’d cope without your partner than how much you actually enjoy being with them, it’s likely that you are experiencing attachment and not love. You end up staying together rather than risk being by yourself.
5. Love Is Passionate. Attachment Is Indifferent.
When you’re in love, you have a fire in your belly and it can erupt in many different ways. Sometimes you might want to rip your partner’s clothes off, and sometimes you’ll want to rip their head off, but you feel a burning passion either way. There is an energy between you that cannot be subdued for long.
A relationship with its roots in attachment will experience a distinct lack of this energy. You may find your partner physically arousing, but struggle to lust after them, while you may feel a sense of mild irritation towards them, but find it difficult to care enough to discuss the causes. These, and other signs of apathy, are common in such relationships.
When you ask a person to describe love, they will often tell you that you have to feel it for yourself to truly understand it. This is fairly accurate, but with the 5 points above, you can be better placed to identify potential true love versus mere attachment and act upon things accordingly. If you think you are experiencing attachment in your relationship, perhaps it is time to take a long, hard look at it and think about the potential love that you may be passing up by staying together.
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