"This sounds like a korean drama..."
I’ve written and rewritten this a few times. Once a bit more spazztic than the last, and probably the reason why I decided to rewrite lol.
Tl;dr, Charles and I decided to write our p.o.v of how “we” came to “be”. His version will probably be shorter than mine because, let’s face it. He was a little slow. Anyways…
The first time I met Charles, I thought he was weird and creepy. I don’t even think I have to explain to you guys how criticizing I am of people, sometimes, even before I actually know them. Same thing in this case. It took two weeks or so before I actually started interacting with Charles, Edmond and Andrew. Even then, I interacted more with E&A because (and I’ve told him this before), I thought Charles was scary and intimidating. Such so that I always refrained from sending him snapchats and text messages back because I figured he was one of those people who’d open snaps and never reply or respond to texts in a boring tone. I mean, I do those things, but it’s because I’m me lol… Leave me alone.
Around fall quarter (first 3 months of school), I ended up liking him a little bit more than anybody else, which lol… ngh. Everyone else to me was casual and/or the type of "like" I associate with fangirling online over boybands. With him, it was a little different and I kind of didn’t like it. It was annoying how his smile always made me happy and excited; really annoying when his laugh was the only thing I ever really heard in a room full of crowded people; that his stupid music taste was actually cute and whatnot.
Edit: I don't exactly remember when but I knew that I liked him the first time he asked my roommate and I if we wanted to go get burgers around 12am.
If there’s anything I’ve been doing since I realized boys are dumb, it’s the hobby of trying to avoid feelings. Some people embrace crushes and I think it’s kind of cute, but when I have them, it’s like ngh… What is. I tried to not think about it too much, but it was really hard to ignore every time my ngghh female heart caught feelings and skipped a beat whenever something he did happened.
Just as a reference point, I wasn’t head over heels in-crush-mode with him. We were friends and I genuinely enjoyed his company and happiness whenever he felt happy about something. I wasn’t to a point where I couldn’t function or think any other boy wasn’t cute and all. But there was something different about how I felt with him than anyone--and like I said, it was kind of annoying, especially to someone like me who’s been trying to not deal with issues I think is slightly irrelevant to my life’s agenda like dating.
In November, as his friend, he came to me and confided that he liked this girl. I can’t say that I wasn’t slightly sad to hear it (lol) but I expected it. A few days/weeks prior to that night, he said and did a few things that hinted that he was developing feelings for someone. Me, recognizing those signs, started taking measures to abort feelings as soon as humanly possible. I remember trying to distance myself (somewhat) mentally.
Make a note to yourself. If you ever want to stop yourself from liking someone, pay less attention to them. Interact, but detach. I don’t know how to explicitly instruct how to do this, but to me, it’s easy because I always meet people and create relationships with an arms length away from Person B--always.
So after Charles told me he liked this girl, I remember feeling like I knew it was expected and that everything I felt in that moment, I knew I’d feel.
Remember in the fic I Just Called to Say I Love? When Baekhyun finally realized he liked Chanyeol, but when he went to go tell him, he saw that his best friend was already in love with Kris (if I remember the fic clearly lol). That was relative to my moment.
Being the friend that I was, I helped him add this girl on Facebook and that was a :-) moment, but I could see that he was really happy, and honestly, I had never seen him smile that much, so I was all for helping him. WELP.
Unfortunately, things didn’t work out between him and the girl. He was disappointed/sad, and I was actually really upset, too. The girl didn’t like him back after a date that (tbh) any girl would remember (they literally spent 24-26hrs together) and I was so confused because he’s literally funny, smart, cool, weird (in a good way), respectful, trustworthy, everything I ever injected in LNAD!Chanyeol--the “ideal boyfriend” genes-- and she still didn’t like him enough to give him a chance. If anything, I think I was more sad than he was even though I did like him.
Charles was the first actual “real” crush I had since freshman year, high school. The entire episode with him liking someone else was a reminder (to me) that feelings are BUTTS. Don’t get them. After feeling :-( I remember telling myself that this is why you should never get feelings for someone. It sucks butt.
After that happened, I really forced myself to stop liking him. I wanted to see him as nothing more than just a friend. Because of the fact that he’s Filipino, I kept calling myself “ate” (older sister) when talking about myself to him. I don’t think he ever knew why I would associate Filipino things between us. I was systematically trying to establish a brother-sister relationship so that would kill off any feelings and draw a boundary for the both of us.
For example, I always told him to call me “ate”. He probably thought I was joking around because it’s a Filipino thing, but like I said, I was trying to establish something. Not that I never did, but I began to purposely treat him like a friend, and even more so, I tried to establish the “I’m a big sister” image. Like, yes. Come talk to me about your problems, I’ll listen. ( u__u )
Was it a success? Yeah. It was. I remember the feelings I got whenever he laughed/smiled went away after a while. It was still special to me and I remember being happy whenever he laughed/smiled, but it wasn’t the same type of feeling inside.
It wasn’t until middle or late January that I remember being conscious of my feelings again. It wasn’t intense. It was more like, I was aware that I still thought he was cute and perfect (lol), but nothing more.
I think it was around this time that we were playing around in his room (or someone else’s dorm room) and he was asking me to say stuff in Bisaya (my filipino dialect). I said a few things, then, being the bitch that I was, I decided to confess my feelings (?) to him… but in Filipino.
Side note, even though Charles is Filipino, he can’t speak or understand Tagalog/Bisaya.
So, anyways, I told him something along the lines of “Ganahan ko nimo” (I like you).
I remember he smiled (it was cute) and leaned in, asking what I just said.
I told him, “Hindi ka makasabot? Gahan ko nimo” (You can’t understand? I like you.)
He pulled out his phone, clicked on the voice recorder app and told me to say it again. Knowing him, I knew he was going to send it to someone who spoke Bisaya and get it translated, so I changed my words around to say something like, “Amigo ka nako, so care ko nimo” (You’re my friend so I care about you).
Relatively the same meaning. 99.99% the same with an important 00.01% difference.
.The entire reason why I told him that was because I wanted to get rid of my ngh feelings. It was more for me than for him (which I’ve told him) so once I did that, I was pretty much done with that.
#FreeFromFeelings………………….For a while.
A few things happened and Charles had a lot of issues that he was dealing with. I was there trying to help him however I could. Around this time in late January, we started hanging out more, I guess. Since I felt like I was the one of the people (or the only one?) who knew what was really going on at the time, I was like, “Okay, I should probably do things with him so he doesn’t feel so alone.”
And so I let him put a GoPro on me even though I looked stupid, and I agreed to a few bike rides in the dead ass night. My fat ass was actually DYING because he bikes so fast and so far, I was having a herney or something. The amount of bridges we biked uphill on, omfg. I was dead inside, but this hoe didn’t have a back bike light so I had to keep up with him cause I was worried a car wouldn’t see him and hit him. I have probably saved Charles’ life more times than he will ever know. #IamWonderWomanAF
So anyways, we got closer as friends and I was chill about it. Like, I didn’t really care because, like I said, my crush for him was atom bombed on purpose so I only saw him as a close friend and nothing else.
But then this one night happened, and looking back at it, I guess it’s where I started getting iffy vibes from him. So basically, Charles was having issues with his roommates and I, at the time, was sleeping over in their room a lot (I basically lived there) and so, one night Charles INSISTED that I sleep on his bed. It was his fucked up way (sorry, hon) of trying to get me to replace him in his own room and I was f*cking pissed and annoyed and I was really f*cking mad at him that night. I mean, I didn’t come off as pissed, annoyed, and mad, because HELLO, I’m supposed to be the calm and older one. So I let him take me out of the room multiple times, I let him try to convince me to sleep on his bed, and I keep asking questions like where you sleeping etc etc. EVENTUALLY it gets around 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. I’m dead ass tired. He’s still pushing me, and for those of you who’ve known me for the last 3-4 years, there’s just a point inside of me where if you annoy me when I am in a bad mood already (I was tired), then I will just shut down. I’ll stop caring…
So I get on his bed. I’m done with Charles, done arguing etc etc and I pull his blanket on me and I turn my back without saying another word.
The lights go off, Edmond and Andrew get in their beds, and even though it’s dark, I’m waiting for Charles to open the door and leave.
Before I go on, I would like to put a disclaimer: I AM ALMOST 20 YEARS OLD BUT I AM STILL A CHILD.
[ Continuing on ]
I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I KNEW that by giving off vibes that I was annoyed and mad, Charles would rethink what he was about to do. I was annoyed and mad, but I played off like I was MORE annoyed and mad than I actually was, because I’m a child and I’m also a writer so I know how to work people’s feelings.
I knew that I was making him feel guilty and I did feel bad, because Charles is super (super, super, super, super) nice so when he feels like he’s doing something wrong, he’ll feel bad. But by him forcing me to “take his place”, he was making ME feel guilty, and I’m not saying that my guilty feelings meant more to me than his, but it was 3 am, I didn’t want to take his bed, he had no place to sleep, it was bad vibes all around, so I did the only thing that I knew how to do being the big fat baby that I was.
I made him feel guilty as f*ck (for good reasons, I swearrr). I was grouchy so I let him know. I didn’t want to take his bed but I did got in it while stomping my feet to let him know. I LET HIM KNOW HE WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD.
This is literally equivalent to me walking my dog and trying to get her to come along, but when she’s had enough, she will just SIT DOWN and use her weight to stop me.
Think of it like that lol.
So after a while, Charles doesn’t open the door. I think he just sat down on a chair (or on the floor) or maybe he didn’t even sit at all, but then I heard shuffling and he climbs into bed with me.
This is like the first time that we slept together on the same bed, and the way we were positioned, my back was to him and we were kind of like in a spooning position. I don’t know.
At the time, I was like ?????????????????????????? because here’s a guy I used to like months ago and now we’re in this sleeping position, on his bed. And on top of that, his arm is over me, he’s basically back hugging me, and saying “I’m sorry” a bunch of times. Like, literally, in what alternate universe does this happen in lol
That night played with my feelings, but I ain’t about to be like “Oh yeah, I started liking him again”, because I didn’t. Me being me, I’m very open and touchy with other people, so when Charles held me like that and slept with me that night, I was hesitant on thinking that there might’ve been more to it or not. Like, yeah, I felt a little stupid ba-dump in my heart, but at the same time, I was like. Well, I’ve slept with other people before, people hug me like this all the time. IT’S NORMAL.
So I just brushed it off like it was nothing even though I did enjoy him doing that and sleeping with me (lol) despite the bad feelings that night.
AFTER that night, I began noticing Charles being more close to me. And by close, I mean, I feel like he used every opportunity he could get to try and be touchy with me.
I remember one night I had my chemistry post-lab assignment due (took me hours), homework due, I had a midterm, I had SO MANY THINGS to do all in one night that I stayed up and went to sleep around 7am in Charles, Edmond, and Andrew’s room.
When I actually finished, I went in their room and Charles woke up cause my ass is loud, and he groggily asked me, “You just finished now?” like he was in disbelief that I didn’t sleep at all and I had class in 4 hours.
Edmond and Andrew had an early 8am class that day, and I remember that once they left, Charles went over to where I was lying down (Andrew’s bed) and cuddled with me.
AGAIN, me being me, I was just like okaaay… He’s probably just… in need of a hug or something.
But anyways, I don’t remember when or why, but I think it was around 11am (because I had math) that we were lying in bed. I asked him, should I go to class? And he said, yeah, but then I fell asleep, woke up at 11:10 and was already 20 mins late, and I was like, okay, fuck it. I’ll sleep in. Somewhere along the line, we were just chillin’ and (this was funny) someone swiped into the room, and I swear, Charles popped off the bed so fast and into his chair right next to it.
Like, you know when you’re doing something you’re not supposed to be doing and then someone comes in and almost catches you but you swerve it? It reminded me of that.
Other times Charles tried to be cute with me:
1…. After seeing that I got a 59/106 on my chem midterm, alot of people tried to comfort me, saying there would be a curve (there was haha), and Charles was just one of those people.
2…. I was on his bed tired one day and he climbed up and did the same thing he did with me that one night, except I noticed that he was a little bit more persistent on having me use his left arm as a pillow. Even when he needed to fix himself, he always wanted me get my head back on his arm. His other arm was also swung over me. (Insert badly drawn pic)
And the funny thing about this was that we were talking to our friend, Carlos, in this position so it might’ve been awkward for him because I, personally, knew how awkward it kind of was. I mean, I liked it… but it was awkward speaking to someone normally while Charles is behind me, hugging me and stuff.
3…. All the numerous occasions where tickling me was just a way of getting close to me lol
On Feb 5th (Friday), I went home for the weekend, and I didn’t really think anything about it, until Charles texted me.
I think that despite how close we had gotten (like cuddling, tickling, going on bike rides, going to the gym together) I was always like “Does he like me? Mmmmm no.” In my defense, I played with other people’s nipples, too. I slept with other people (in turns of sleeping over other people's dorms). I even fell asleep with another floormate in the same position with him hugging me from behind. It did feel different with Charles, though because I was starting to like him again (nghhhh), but I always (and I mean, always) pushed it off as nothing but friendly skinship.
But it was when he texted me, tryna act cute, that I was finally like OKAY…. Maybe he DOES like me.
So we texted all night, but I don’t mean like back and forth. I went to go hang out with some friends until 12-1am in the morning and I was just texting him whenever I wasn’t driving or doing something. To be honest though, I read his texts whenever I got them almost immediately, but I would reply after like a few minutes. I kind of did that for me, as if to be like BITCH CALM DOWN, but also as a way to be like “don’t reply so fast, it only means that you’re starting to like him again” and I was NGHHHHH OK. I won’t text so much.
This was the vibe Charles was basically giving me all weekend:
A few things happened over the weekend that I won’t go into, but on Sunday, I was watching a movie with Andrew on his bed, kind of cuddling like I usually do. Then, around 9 or 10, Charles (who went home on Saturday) comes back and he sees me with Andrew. So I say hi, but he doesn’t say anything, he just goes and puts his laundry next to his bed and then leaves like he has places to be and doesn’t have time to say hi to me.
So, I got the feeling that he was jealous, but then I was like, well, I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t hear me.
I go back to my room after a while and my friends come in and we start talking about the weekend and usual school stuff, and then Charles comes by and I knew he wanted to talk based on what he said earlier that weekend, so I asked my friend Daniel, oh can we use your room to talk? He says yeah, so Charles and I go to Daniel’s room to talk.
I knew he had issues about his major and he just went home for the weekend, so I wanted to know how he was with everything, his mom, etc and that was about the conversation before he decided to be PETTY (just kidding, I love you) and tickle me for whatever reason--I don’t remember. But he did just that and we ended up lying on Daniel’s bed and he pulled me closer. My head was on his arm and our heads were pretty close. If I hadn’t been so stupid or hesitant then, I probably would’ve been like, “HMMM… Normal friends DON’T do this”.... But like I said, I was confused.
So we keep talking about his plans and how he’s feeling and everything, but as our conversation goes on, I could tell that he was beginning to care less and less about the topic. To me, he seemed like he was a lot more preoccupied with trying to get closer to me.
At one point, we’re talking, and he holds my left hand for a moment and kind of strokes it with his thumb. Here, I didn’t think anything of it, because, okay. If a bro (that I have a mini crush on) wants to hold my hand, fine.
But THEN, he takes my hand and kisses it. He slightly grazed it too.
You’d think by now that I would get the hint, right?
No. I don’t, because I’m dumb.
I’m thinking: “Okaaay…. That just happened.... But does that mean he likes me?”
I put it out of my mind and I remember specifically getting warning-sign feelings in my stomach, but I was like, bitch, get a hold of yourself. Honestly.
A more minutes go by, his eyes are closed even as we’re talking, or when they’re open, they’re only half-open (Awww; side note: cutie patootie). And I remember our foreheads touching and I could FEEL Charles trying to kiss me.
BUT I WAS DODGING HIM.
BUT NOT ON PURPOSE--TECHNICALLY.
Every time I felt his head tilt a bit and his hand trying to guide by lips towards him, my mind went: “Is he trying to kiss me or….” and before the other side of my brain could answer “YES, BITCH”, I would brush it off as COINCIDENCE THAT OUR LIPS WERE ABOUT TO TOUCH and bury my face in his neck AND LAUGH.
Charles later told me he thought I was avoiding him like I didn’t want to kiss him, which then confused HIM. It confused him even more when I laughed, because he took it as a negative “I’m rejecting you” kind of way, but in reality, I was just nervous and ???????? so that’s why I was laughing. But anyways--
It just got to a point where our lips would graze past one another’’ and I’d still go “Well...That was just coincidence”.
Note to everyone: I was dumb LOL
Anyways, I’m talking and talking, being stupid and lightweight tryna avoid the situation as if it wasn’t really happening, but then out of nowhere, he actually does kiss me. Like, I remember he was actually holding my head in place and the only reason why this detail is stuck in my head is because I remember CHECKING to see if he was actually holding me--and he was.
Anyways, kiss kiss fall in love, right? Yeah, for like 2 hours of Daniel’s bed. #MESSY
I feel like even after we kiss-kiss-fell-in-love-for-two-hours, I was still thinking “We’re still friends”. I literally don’t understand why I was in such denial at the time, but TO BE FAIR, Charles’ feelings for me (in my opinion) developed too fast for me to be like, OH OKAY. Instead I was ???????? and I still didn’t really believe that in (tbh) a short weekend, he developed sarang in his doki-doki for me.
((( This post is getting too long. I'm going to skip the part where we basically kind of had to hide the fact that we liked each other for about a week OR the fact that the 1-2 days after that night, we were both ????????? "what are we?" and trying to figure out that mess. That's another story )))
Anyways, now it’s almost been 4 months and to be honest, if I could describe our relationship, it would be 1) Not Intended and 2) Like Night and Day and 20% The Letter.
Not Intended = Me being me, I’m very touchy with people and I don’t really see anything wrong with it. I also have times when I’m very bubbly and kayoot. Charles, on the other hand, is pretty smart and into business (like PCY) but he doesn’t really like it when I’m touchy with other people (like a normal human being should feel)
In his words, “I knew you were the type of person to go around and do stuff with other people, but I was like ‘no, I want her to myself. I want your attention, too’.”
To this day, I don't understand why he puts up with me or how my first boyfriend is #goals. He knows about my fanfiction, supports it and supports my hobbies and dreams. He even understands my nugu feelings and so on. Whenever I'm irrationally mad at him or annoyed, he blames himself which is ???? because half the time, I'm annoyed because of other things and he just ends up being indirectly affected sometimes. I feel bad for being moody or emotionally unstable because he has to deal with that, but he persists that he's happy with me (bruh).
Sometimes, we both agree that we wish we dated sooner. He expresses this often, but I think it's fine even if we got together not a long while ago. There are times when he asks me “What if I liked you back in fall quarter too? Would you have said yes?” and I told him no, because he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend (lol a whole ‘nother story). I think that there's a natural order to things and that the time we sometimes consider “lost” was actually time that he needed so he could find his booty over to moi.
And that wraps up my end of our story. I don't know how Charles’ version will be, but who knows :)
Happy 4 months, bubby and happy half birthday 6/14 (The birthday that we decided to share since its between june 4th and june 21st)
And for anyone interested or haven't seen the video, this was his Valentine's day gift to me since I was in Los Angeles the weekend of Valentine's day for EXO'Luxion LA.