Welcome one and all to Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s Second Annual Sandy Awards presentation! Last year’s event was a huge success, and we hope to provide you with plenty of the
lame
side splitting humor you’ve come to expect from The Nest. The Sandy Award is modeled after my original squirrel girl Sandy, and is so named due to the proliferation of searches for naughty images of the squirrel Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob that brought people to my blog back in its early days. These awards honor the best, funniest, and most fucked up search terms that real people have entered into real search engines to find their way to The Nest.
We have a most excellent show lined up for you this year! Along with the presentation of the second annual Sandys, we have an all star cast of entertainers to keep the show lively! Marlene and Mary Alice will do a fantastically improper comedy routine, Draliman will recite his new poem “Fifty Ways To Kill Your Possum”, and the Sponkies will do a lovely duet of America’s 1972 hit song “A Poneh With No Name”.
Let’s get on with the show, shall we? I combed the list of search terms that WordPress was kind enough to compile for me over the past 365 days and found the ones that most tickled my fancy. I divided those terms up into several categories, and for each category I will first give the runners up and then the Sandy Award winner in that group. At the conclusion of the show, I will choose one term which will win the prestigious Best Search Term of 2013 Sandy Award! All of the bolded terms you see below were really used by someone to get to my blog last year!
And now… let’s begin by honoring those who weren’t afraid to ask the internet a stupid question…
Humans are naturally curious creatures. But sometimes, that curiosity can go oh so wrong… and when it does, it just cries out for some Sandy recognition!
what are you doing this for? – Because I am, that’s why. Got a problem with that?
why did the squirrel artist cross the road?
To get to Michael’s because it was Sunday and Hobby Lobby was closed.
is it alright to take a squirrel nest out of a tree in lakewood oh? – I’ll have to get Merby or Robin on this for you since Lakewood’s in their neck of the woods. But here’s a real sign from a Lakewood park I found on Google images, and judging by it, I’d say that there’s probably a local ordinance against doing almost anything in Lakewood.
The Founding Fathers would be so proud!
where can you find a lone grey squirrel? – Right here.
what happens when one disturbs a squirrels nest? – I’d suggest you ask the last person who tried that, but he hasn’t said much since the squirrels ripped his larynx out of his throat…
does dr pepper make you stink? – Yes. And Diet Dr. Pepper will make you stink just like regular Dr. Pepper… only with a lot less calories.
is the word squirrels to be capitalized? – I’d say that is unnecessary, even if squirrels do think they are godlike creatures.
Someone’s getting plunked with an apple for taking my name in vain!
are squirrels susceptible to freezing rain? – Not when they are coated with Rain X.
how to draw a unicorn mixed with a squirrel – Like this:
Squirrels with hooves are about as useless as tits on a boar, or Congress.
how do i spell squriel nest?
Not like that, dude.
And the award goes to….
how do i get the smell of squirrel out of my car? – Try lots and lots of Febreze, and then quit picking up hitchhiking squirrels.
Sandy makes a good hood ornament, and she wont’ stink up your ride!
For out next category, let’s see what the folks at TMZ were looking for and focus on search terms involving celebrities.
Even famous people can sometimes get caught up in the road to The Nest. Let’s see what notable people wound up in our search terms…
mike tyson image of back – Given what horrific things he (and Buster Douglas) did to his face, I’d hate to think of what his back looks like. It doesn’t look like the Nintendo is going to be any help either…
Little Mac… inspiring midgets since 1987.
debbie gibson and duck dynasty
Name two things that will fade into oblivion after three years.
does justin verlander shave or wax his arms? – No, but if he’s dating Kate Upton, then we know he’s shaving his back. Come to think of it, now we know who was looking for images of Mike Tyson’s back….
how can i get a lil jon voicemail greeting? – Rappers will do anything for money. If you are willing to pony up some dead presidents, Lil Jon can soon be greeting everyone who calls your number.
Yo! The bitch can’t come to the phone right now. Leave yo 411 and maybe she’ll give ya a hollaback… fo’ shizzle.
richard simmons reach – No, please… keep your sweaty paws to yourself, Richard.
And the award goes to…
miley cyrus bologna ass – I don’t even want to know….. just….. yuck!
Sorry, but clothing is required at this awards ceremony, dear.
What rhymes with twerk me?
And now it’s time to give some glory to those who were looking for pretty pictures, but came to the wrong place…
I love being able to find pictures of almost anything on Google Image search. Some people, however, use image search engines for evil rather than good…
bad squirrel graphics
Well, you came to the right place this time…
what is the video clip that the horse die and come back to life – black lady singer – Ummmmmm….. what?
cartoon pictures of squirrels learning how to be evil at squirrel school – Squirrels do NOT go to school to learn how to be evil! That is a vicious and terrible lie! Squirrels are born with a natural instinct to be evil.
They only go to school since it’s a nice place to pick up chicks…
having chili instead of turkey for thanksgiving funny comic – I love how the searcher specified they wanted it to be a “funny” comic. There is nothing funny about having chili for Thanksgiving. Now chileh, on the other hand….
Come to the dark side… we have chileh!
And the award goes to….
when the fuck will winter be over – photo of squirrel – Well, if you’d watch your fucking language for just a fucking minute, you could look at a fucking calendar and find out that winter fucking ends on March 20th. Oh, and here’s your fucking photo of a squirrel…
When the fuck will winter be over?
This will warm you the fuck up!
As you might expect, The Nest gets a lot of sciurine searches in our filter, so let’s give out a Sandy for the rodent lovers out there!
At The Nest, we really know our squirrels! Bring on all of your squirrely inquiries!
blood pressure of a squirrel – Way too high. This is why it is best not to aggravate a squirrel in your yard unless you want to see its head explode all over your patio furniture.
A stroke waiting to happen.
are squirrels good luck – Squirrels are indeed good luck. As opposed to rabbits, who are continually having their feet chopped off and put on keychains…
what squirrels don’t like – Artists like me who mock them.
10 reasons why squirrels are evil -
Because they are
Because they can be
Because it’s more fun
Because all squirrels go to heaven anyway
Because you can’t do anything about it
Because they aren’t subject to our silly laws
Just because
Does there really have to be ten reasons?
Number nine, Number nine, Number nine….
Because I said so.
You wouldn’t want me any other way!
how old is my squirrel – Try asking him for his ID, then ensuring it is not fake, do some math!
I’m sorry, Evil, but we can’t serve you here.
overreacting squirrel
Is there any other kind?
And the award goes to….
squirrel w kidney stones – Ouch! I would never be cruel enough to wish these on any critter… even a possum! Poor squirrel, you better start drinking from the birdbath more often…
Man up, girly squirrel!
Anyone who’s ever had a kidney stone deserves a Sandy Award!
Ready for some nightmare fuel?
Here are the searches that made the staff at The Nest cringe when we saw them…
fat lady sweat – Bad to the last drop…. blech!
squirrel in a thong
Cheeky!
massengill bacon douche sent – That’s one way to attract men to your hoohah….
possum pull ups
Buster looks so cute in a diaper…
And the award goes to….
i have a hanging belly and i’m 54 – Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? When I’m 54? Thank goodness at least some people on Match.com are honest…
Now you can brag about your shiny new Sandy Award to attract all the cute chicks!
Yes, the show is running a bit late. But we’ll just cut out Buster’s Lifetime Achievement Award presentation and carry on with the next category…
These people have serious issues, and we at The Nest hope they get the professional help they so richly deserve…
freedom of choise in public schools ends – That’s because people like you made a bad choise to skip your spelling assignments.
evil hotties nearby – Sorry, but they don’t want anything to do with wankers like you.
But… I don’t look evil!
cat with pencil up buts – No animals were harmed in the making of this Sandy Awards presentation.
i don’t brake for squirrels – And I don’t brake for douchebags. That makes us even!
vampire possum
I vant to suck your roadkill’s blood!
squirrels are douches
You tell ‘em, MBRS!
evil hell squirrels from the future – This sounds like a bad Saturday morning cartoon.
drop dead time xxx – And here you thought it was Miller Time.
why raisins are evil – Because they look like freaking turds and need to quit singing and dancing.
This is how you should sell raisins.
corn cob in your butt jokes – These are only slightly more obnoxious than knock knock jokes, and then only if you are the one who has to have the corn cob up your butt.
And the award goes to…
silly bitch trix are for kids – Those kids have gone too far this time. When that rabbit finally goes off on them, no reasonable court in the land would consider it anything less than justifiable homicide.
Sandy Awards are for everyone, even silly bitches!
Now it’s time to put the children to bed, and take a look at some of the more risque searches that brought people and their one free hand to The Nest…
OK everyone, let’s get our minds in that gutter!
sandy cheeks in how to look naked pee – The best way to look naked is to take off all of your clothes. While this does aid in the art of peeing, we recommend only doing this in private. That goes for all of you nasty squirrels too!
looking for a skanki girl
Be careful what you look for.
mature horny farmer mom story – This one’s got everything… milfs, incest, and probably bestiality. Baaaaaaa!!!
prairie dawn feet – Only The Nest could possibly find someone with a Muppet foot fetish.
famous pussy oops pic – is this famous enough for you?
Sorry MBRS, but you have nothing to show off.
pic squirrel vagina – See above…. er, nevermind. MBRS has nothing to show off…
what do male possum genitals look like? – Does the phrase “bifurcated penis” mean anything to you, prevert?
I haz twice the happy!
And the award goes to….
101 ways with a squirrel – No… sorry, we are not going there. If the squirrel version of the Kama Sutra exists, for all of our safety it needs to stay hidden deep within a tree somewhere. Especially if one of the guys from the movie “Deliverance” was the one searching for this…
Don’t even think about it, buddy… there are no ways with me!
Before we move on to everyone’s favorite category, let’s take a moment to look at a few of the great search terms that didn’t quite fit into any of this year’s categories…
the skunk who didn’t want to stink – It’s about time some skunk out there finally decided that maybe a little deodorant might make him socially acceptable. This critter deserves an honorary Sandy!
Sheesh, where’s the fun in not being able to stink?
a cartoon skunk being proud of spraying – Somewhere out there is an epic good vs. evil movie between the skunk who didn’t want to stink and the cartoon skunk who was proud of spraying.
i made you a nest comic evil squirrel – Thank you, that frees up my Wednesday night this week!
squirrels nest in dream imagery – I don’t know if Sigmund Freud ever tried to determine what it means when you dream about a squirrel’s nest. However, anyone who would dream of a squirrel’s nest should probably be locked up, or at least kept on a leash in public.
OK, you’ve made it this far in the Sandy Awards show, and now it’s time for the best and final category of the evening!
Yes, this is the category that recognizes the most fucked up search terms that brought people to The Nest! We have no idea what these people were actually looking for, and in all likelihood, we probably don’t want to know…
snap crackle and bop – One day, the Rice Krispies elves finally got wise and fired that no good Pop. They replaced him with his brother Bop, who gave the breakfast cereal a more naughty sound.
This is for you, brother Fap!
i can’t nest – Phil Collins…. is that you?
cancan pet food – Sure, it might sound like a great idea, until you find out you have to use the can opener twice!
the best breakfast mess – Try going into McDonalds at about 10:25 on a morning when they don’t have anyone to clean off the tables.
dick toasts – There are so many ways to interpret this search term, and not a single one of them isn’t totally disgusting!
clorox kickball – It’s all fun and games until the bleach bottle explodes while someone is trying to catch it.
is it possible to apart two pieces of duct tape stuck sticky side in apart
bushy tampoon – I bet that’ll tickle going in…
why is there a squirrel in the throat – Because it was the frog’s day off?
And the award goes to….
the donkey rainbow position – And you thought the best thing about yoga was the legwear. This is a position that takes years to master… but those limber enough to achieve the donkey rainbow position have most definitely earned a Sandy Award!
I’m stuck in one position, but it’s a cute one.
And now ladies and gentlemen, boys and squirrels, the moment you have all been waiting for! No, not the end of the show… the awarding of the coveted Best Search Sandy!
We had so many great search terms to choose from this year… and who knows how many more that WordPress lazily categorized as “unknown”, but we have chosen one that stood head and shoulders above the rest, and made it the best search term leading to The Nest for 2013! And that winner is…….
Drum roll please, Hottie…
premature ejaculation guest blogger wanted – We really don’t know what to say about this one. I’m pretty sure at no point this year, last year, or any year did I ever bring this topic up on my blog. Even stranger than the idea that this search led its source to The Nest is the fact that somebody was actually out there looking for an… um… expert on premature ejaculation to write a post about this on their blog. Who talks about this anyway?
I’m sorry dude, I can’t help you with that guest blogging gig you are looking to book, but I think I can help you find the guys you need to consult on this matter….
Don’t worry, nobody will see what you did behind the podium.
Well, there you have it folks! It’s time for the audience to wake up and go home, because the 2013 Sandy Awards have come to a close! We hope you enjoyed this year’s presentation, and let’s hope 2014 is an even better year for great search terms that lead people all over the world to Evil Squirrel’s Nest!