A WEEK IN WHICH SOME THINGS HAPPENED
This week in the Big Ten, we solved some mysteries, righted some wrongs, and redefined what "non-conference" means (hint: not non-conference!)
PENN STATE
Penn State's 2015 recruiting class is terrifying. Like, actually terrifying. Like the night-vision scene in "Silence of the Lambs" or what it's like to grow up in a very old Victorian house capable of only making sounds typically heard right before you're brutally murdered.
"Dating" in this headline does not mean what you think, and most certainly does not mean that there was some sort of Paleoamerican-Native American dating show entitled something like "So You Think You Can Conceptualize of a Native American DNA Haplotype."
A Penn State fan utilizes his Constitutionally-protected right to free speech. I will now utilize my Constitutionally-protected right to post this video of Anthony Morelli being taken down by Alan Branch like a wounded buffalo in 2006.
The Circle of Life, man.
INDIANA
Indiana is sending a team to investigate a shipwreck that could be the famous Santa Maria, which would be the closest thing to an Indiana victory in Columbus since Victor Oladipo left for the NBA.
Indiana basketball recorded a perfect APR, and get down from there, Tom Crean, you can't cut down the nets for this.
The Little 500 went pretty much how you'd expect.
A former Indiana University soccer player is vying to get on "The Bachelorette." I have never seen "The Bachelorette," but I have seen Investigation Discovery's* "Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?" which I assume is the logical follow-up.
ILLINOIS
Half the people living in Illinois want to move away. I blame this purely on what it's like to drive through southern Illinois or in Chicagoland. It is the seventh circle of stupid.
This will end well. On a side note, you may not want to let your 11-year-old read about either the SLA or the Manson Family, and you certainly shouldn't let your 11-year-old read Helter Skelter.
7 Illinois frat brothers were arrested after a massive drug bust recovered 400 doses of ecstasy and LSD and a quantity of cocaine, or "a pretty solid time at Ultra."
MICHIGAN
The mystery pooper has been apprehended, and peace reigns once again in the happy land of Ypsilanti.
In my day, a "napping station" was wherever I was sitting down.
Michigan basketball: a thing that will continue despite NBA attrition.
Michigan men know two things: explaining away brutal losses and heaving money at things. COMMENCE WITH THE MONEY-HEAVING, GENTLEMEN.
OHIO STATE
STOP SPREADING DISEASES, GUYS.
Ohio State baseball players are stepping up for a teammate living with leukemia, which is super legit.
Dear former home state: please do not make this our state country song. Please do not make this our state country song. I can live with Buckeyes as the state tree, I can live with "Hang on, Sloopy," I can live with my entire life being defined by where I attended high school (URSULINE ACADEMY STAND UP). I can live with the absolute kitten-drowning awfulness that is the 71/75 interchange. I cannot live with this.
PURDUE
If you are a Purdue fan, I strongly recommend not reading this. Go outside. Take a walk. Pet a dog.
I have absolutely no idea what this headline means.
This Rube Goldberg device is awesome.
MINNESOTA
A former Minnesota researcher was running a meth lab in a storage locker, which I guess isn't the worst place to run a meth lab.
Don't beat people nearly to death. Don't beat people.
That's no sinkhole, it's a freaking space station.
NEBRASKA
Congrats to the University of Nebraska for its new job in New York. You're going to learn so much about yourself.
Would totally watch a movie about a Nebraska lineman and a distance runner teaming up to commit crimes. Like "Pain and Gain" but less gross.
Nebraska's small towns are short on women. That's probably not good.
MICHIGAN STATE
Mono is not to be trifled with, unless you are Adreian Payne.
What.
Selling beer at Spartan Stadium: probably not going to happen, probably not a good idea, probably would result in rioting.
Things that also will result in rioting and/or mass arrests. ASU and MSU: brothers in barbed wire arm tattoos.
WISCONSIN
Good to know, guys. Good to know.
Wisconsin basketball will continue to be infuriatingly good.
This is a database of every single Wisconsin football game since 1899. In 1943, Wisconsin lost to something called Camp Grant. Camp Grant appears to have been a military training station with a football team. I find this bizarrely fascinating.
NORTHWESTERN
Unionization: still being debated.
As long as he avoids stampedes, this kid should be okay.
This is now in the Google News search results for "Northwestern football" so it must be true.
BIG TEN BREAK BECAUSE THE BIG TEN IS TIRING:
"Stop Making Sense" is the greatest concert film of all time. There is little to no debate about this and if you bring up "The Last Waltz" so help me god I will end you. You can watch it right now:
Watch Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense (1984) in Music | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
Okay, I'm good now.
IOWA
Wait, really?
Iowans don't feel welcomed at Iowa. Okay.
"Bad luck in Iowa City" usually involves your offense devolving into something that couldn't get yardage against a team of fucking parrots, but in "Girls" it apparently means bicycles.
*The greatest network ever, featuring these totally real programs: "Wives with Knives," Beauty Queen Murders," "Secret Lives of Stepford Wives," "Blood Relatives," "Wicked Attraction."