Dear Susan,
I know it’s supposed to be the “most wonderful time of the year” but for my family, it’s not. We have three boys, 13, 11, and 9. Our 9-year-old is a very bright, capable, and difficult child. Every year we try to have a nice Christmas but our youngest’s behavior toward each of us seems to create a “Bah Humbug” mood because he picks on his siblings, complains, whines, and creates drama every time we start to enjoy ourselves.
We really want this year to be different. Can you help?
Hopeful in Atlanta
Dear Hopeful,
I have some very good news for you!
No matter how “difficult” your son is, he does not have the power to ruin your holiday. Unless you give it to him. So don’t! Here’s how:
First, acknowledge that your son is a provoker. And the rest of the family are the reactors. Once you admit this, you can begin to make changes.
Sit your proving child down and tell him that from now on, the Golden Rule is in effect. Tell him that everyone in the family will treat others in the manner in which they want to be treated. And then, follow through! When he pokes his siblings or has a bad attitude about dinner, treat him the same way. Keep this up for an entire day. When he is watching TV, stand in front of it. When he is reading a book, be loud and bother him. Whatever you see him doing to the rest of the family, do it right back to him. When he complains, remind him that he treated his siblings in the same manner and so you are just abiding by The Golden Rule, treating him the way he treats others. You may think this is immature and just a way to get revenge. It’s not! You are demonstrating that you mean business. Once he gets it, all you will have to do when he starts provoking is say “Golden Rule” and he will stop!
To really drive home the point, have your husband give him some manly advice (the same sex parent is a very powerful role model), “Son, I was made aware that you were disrespectful to my wife today. We are men and men in this family respect women. Got it?” If he balks and tries to explain, your husband should say something like “Men admit their mistakes and move on. I’m not interested in excuses. Let’s go throw the football.”
Further, consider that your child’s provoking behavior is due to his need for control. We can all relate to that! In this case, provide opportunities for your son to take ownership over certain situations. For example, if you notice that son provokes more at the time that the tree comes in the house and furniture is rearranged, he may need to feel a sense of control over his environment. In this case, give your son ownership of making the final decision of where the tree will go (“Son, shall we put the tree in this corner or that one?”) or what color bulbs to place on the tree first, etc. Providing opportunities for ownership will also keep your son busy (sweeping the porch, raking leaves, etc.), too busy to provoke his family members!
The other side of this equation is to teach your other children (and yourselves) how to respond, rather than react, to your youngest son. Without change on this side, there is not much hope for change.
Explain to your other siblings that “it takes two.” That means that if your son provokes, they have a choice to react or respond. A reaction is hitting back, yelling, etc. Responding is “I am not going to fight with you right now but I will throw the football with you out side. Let’s go!” Come up with other responses and role play with your children until they’ve got the idea. You have a few weeks before Christmas and if everyone tries their best, I think you’ll get to experience the most wonderful time of the year!
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Susan
Susan Eppley, ECE, LPC
Leadership Parenting Coach, Parent & Child Educator
Do you have a parenting question for Susan? If so, please e-mail her at susan@ParentCoachAtlanta.com For more information about Susan or parent coaching, visit www.ParentCoachAtlanta.com You can also follow Susan on Twitter @ParentCoachATL