may 2nd 2015
I AM SO TIRED
like if i really wanted to i could probably fall asleep rn
but why sleep when you can blog lmao this is my life
i also had a bad breakdown last night. probably the worst one i had in a while but i kinda set myself up for it i guess. tbh i’m still not over my last breakup. at least not completely. AND LISTENING TO SAM SMITH DOESN’T HELP. every time i think i’m getting over it, i think back on when i was with him and the pain just hits. and what bothers me is that there are people out there who have been through so much worse and i feel like i shouldn’t be making such a big deal of it, but i can’t just dismiss how i’m feeling.
it’s like i still want him but i also want to get over him but none of that is happening and it’s the most frustrating fucking thing. i want to be over him. i don’t want to care but i care too much. and the worst part is that i blame myself for the breakup even though i didn’t do anything wrong. i mean it was my first relationship which was rushed into and i had no idea what i was doing. but i can’t help but wish that we could have had a second chance and started things fresh with each other but he wanted no part of it. or maybe he did but wasn’t ready. and despite us ‘moving too fast’ i never found out the ‘real’ reason as to why he ended things so fast and just dropped me the way he did… it didn’t make any fucking sense and everyone i told the story to said the same thing. tbh it shouldn’t even matter…. i shouldn’t care.
bless him though honestly… because i have a real difficult time controlling my feelings and when i get on these emotional highs about him i would go on and text him all this sappy shit and throughout the months he’s just dealt with me and my emotional instability. he hasn’t unfollowed me on anything and obviously hasn’t blocked my number. about 2-3 months after we broke up he told me he still cared about me and that i could talk to him whenever i needed to. but that he didn’t want me to ‘wait for him’ and that he thought i was a great person and wanted me to put myself out there. and when shit was going on with my parents and i was scared out of my mind he was there. i just….idk. there have been times when i’ve asked if he wanted to get a drink and just catch up simply as friends but he said he didn’t know how he’d feel being alone with me…. idk….i just don’t know :(
any advice would be greatly appreciated x