The following is an absolutely no way factual and should not be taken at all seriously. Consequently it should not be read by anyone at all, ever.
So the Drama Desk Awards happened today/last night in New York at The Town Hall. For those of you unfamiliar with the venue, Alice Ripley and Emily Skinner recorded a great live album there once. Anyway – the second banana awards of the Broadway Theatre season are easily our favourite at Diva Knows Best because they tend to steer clear of the kind of star-fuckery that seems to perpetuate the Tony Awards these days. While no awards ceremony acts as a meritocracy these days (they need to pay the rent too remember!), it’s good to know at the DDA’s, they at least try to keep it subtle! Unlike, say, the Oscars…
Eitherway, the second night of Broadway nights has come and gone and there were winners, losers, hummers and bummers as the gongs went out to a bevy of faced and faceless names. Here is our recap of the winners and the spills, chills, thrills and pills that came with them.
Matthew Morrison’s Best Solo Performance
Laura Benanti hosted this year and while she opened with a song and vamped and what not, the gays sat on a knife edge knowing as they did that this was the occasion on which they decided to forgive her for being in that train wreck Sound of Music TV movie last year. Ultimately they did – because, obviously, gurl got it going on! – and in the presence of her gloriousity Audra, the show was underway!
We’ll skip the first three categories (Unique Theatical Experience, Outstanding Solo Performance and Outstanding Sound Design in a Play) because no one really cared to do much during that part of the evening except order more drinks and joke about Matthew Morrison having an outstanding “solo performance” once backstage at The Light in the Piazza when he thought no one was looking. The first category worth actually putting effort into applause for was:
Outstanding Sound Design in a Musical
Kai Harada, Fun Home
Peter Hylenski, Bullets Over Broadway: The Musical
Peter Hylenski, Rocky
Brian Ronan , Beautiful: The Carole King Musical **Winner**
Dan Moses Schreier, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder
Jon Weston, The Bridges of Madison County
Which shocked everyone because Beautiful – the Carole King bio-musical won even though it’s honestly just Tapestry. That said the gays all agreed between themselves that gurl Jessie Mueller (she plays Carole) is pretty fierce so they applauded anyway, wondered in Beautiful would win anything else and just generally made fun of Woody Allen and Soon Yi across the room. I mean – as if that jukebox schlock Bullets Over Broadway would win anything!!! HA! Karen Mason, we understand, catcalled and shouted “does your father know where you’re at!!! Whoops!” for which she accepted a round of high-fives – so no one really heard the acceptance speech.
Two categories followed that received polite applause as A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder was the known and obvious Best Musical winner while Rocky has been allowed on Broadway to try and encourage the straights back in. It’s good for the gays to diversify the gene pool every now and then.
Outstanding Lighting Design
Christopher Akerlind, Rocky **Winner**
Jane Cox, Machinal
David Lander, The Civil War
Peter Mumford, King Lear
Brian Tovar, Tamar of the River
Japhy Weideman, Macbeth
Outstanding Projection Design
Robert Massicotte and Alexis Laurence, Cirkopolis
Sven Ortel, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Aaron Rhyne, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
Shawn Sagady, All the Way
Austin Switser, Sontag: Reborn
Ben Rubin, Arguendo
Andy Karl vogues on the red carpet
Excessive perving of Rocky star Andy Karl followed – the man having been placed under exceptional lighting for the purpose and asked in his invitation to wear a tight outfit. He did not disappoint. It’s understood at this point James Franco got out his mobile and everyone instantly tried to check Grindr to see if they could find him – to no avail.
The following category would have received excessive heckling were it not for one thing, William Ivey Long designed a fierce set of outfits for Marrin Mazzie – and she’ll cut a bitch!
Outstanding Costume Design
Constance Hoffman, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
William Ivey Long, Bullets Over Broadway: The Musical **Winner**
Zane Pihlstrom, Nutcracker Rouge
Loren Shaw, The Mysteries
Jenny Tiramani, Twelfth Night
David C. Woolard, The Heir Apparent
At this point Marrin Mazzie and Betty Buckley disappeared into the foyer to have a snarling match while their respective gay entourages performed the opening choreography from West Side Story in the background. A draw was eventually concluded for, while Marrin is still a star, and Buckley is merely an ex-Norma Desmond, she’s still fucking scary. Andrew Lloyd Webber took a pill to calm his nerves somewhere in London and didn’t quite understand why as Betty hissed like a cat and re-took her seat. Laura Benanti reminded the gays its rude to Grindr during acceptance speeches and changed outfits. She still looked fierce.
This category caused some surprise!
Outstanding Set Design
Christopher Barreca, Rocky **Winner**
Alexander Dodge, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder
Richard Hoover, Small Engine Repair
Santo Loquasto, Bullets Over Broadway: The Musical
Ian MacNeil, A Doll’s House
Donyale Werle, The Explorers Club
Fantasia Barrino in After Midnight
It had genuinely been expected that Gentleman’s Guide would win this, even with the understanding being made to let Rocky win things for prosperity’s sake. Still no heckling occurred and more drinks were ordered. James Franco put his phone away and Grindr instantly lots half its clients in the tri-state area.
The following caused the first excited applause of the night as After Midnight is pretty damn fucking fierce gurl!
Outstanding Revue
After Midnight **Winner**
I’m a Stranger Here Myself: Musik from the Weimar and Beyond
Le Jazz Hot: How the French Saved Jazz
Til Divorce Do Us Part
What’s It All About? Bacharach Reimagined
Though, that said, a small debate broke out as to whether it actually qualified for its Best Musical nomination at the Tony Awards. This was promptly settled after Dule Hill decisively proved in the bathroom break that his pout was bigger than everyone elses. The show resumed while someone apparently slipped a sticky date pudding in Soon Yi’s Gucci purse causing Woody Allen to re-ennact a scene from Manhattan Murder Mystery. The reviews were mixed.
The following category caused tears and much sadness, even though The Glass Menagerie definitely deserved to win.
Outstanding Music in a Play
Lewis Flinn, The Tribute Artist
Elliot Goldenthal, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Rob Kearns, The Life and Sort of Death of Eric Argyle
Tom Kochan, Almost, Maine
Nico Muhly, The Glass Menagerie **Winner**
Duncan Sheik, A Man’s a Man
It’s couldn’t help but remind many in the room, however, that Zachary Quinto could not be present that evening and a round of slammers was ordered and drunk to commemorate how freaking awesome he looks in couture. A chain text was sent around the room to see if anyone subscribed to a fetish website as it was generally understood (from Cheyenne Jackson’s boyfriend) that that was/is Zachy’s bag.
Laura Benanti subsequently asked the bar to stop serving slammers.
The following caused unease.
Outstanding Orchestrations
Jason Robert Brown, The Bridges of Madison County **Winner**
John Clancy, Fun Home
Larry Hochman, Big Fish
Steve Sidwell, Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
Michael Starobin, If/Then
Jonathan Tunick, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder
Kelli O’Hara wonders if she’ll play this same character for ever
It seems no one got the memo that JRB was back “in” this year – and it didn’t appear to be a part of the plan to recruit straight people. Surely this couldn’t mean he would win Best Score? Could it?!?
At this point James Franco and Mitch O’Dowd came out of the Mens together causing everyone to lose their train of thought. Harvey Fierstein sent James a nice note asking if he’d like to come over for pesto. James flashed him a smile and a raise of the eyebrows causing Harvey to instantly fire his current rent boy and visit Martha Stewart online looking for crockpots.
The following two awards put everything on track and much celebrating was to be had.
Outstanding Lyrics
Howard Ashman, Tim Rice, and Chad Beguelin, Aladdin
Jason Robert Brown, The Bridges of Madison County
Robert L. Freedman and Steven Lutvak, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
Michael Friedman, Love’s Labour’s Lost
Michael Korie, Far from Heaven
Lisa Kron, Fun Home
Outstanding Book of a Musical
Chad Beguelin, Aladdin
Robert L. Freedman, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
Joe Kinosian and Kellen Blair, Murder for Two
Lisa Kron, Fun Home
Douglas McGrath, Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
Marsha Norman, The Bridges of Madison County
Laura Osnes did shooters out of Neil Patrick Harris’ navel while behind them James Franco took a selfie which everyone proceeded to like and tag themselves in. Andy Mientus from Smash showed up at this point and proceeded to start the highest bidding for his ass for the evening at $10,000. We understand the auction rages on.
Again three categories raced by that, despite their importance, seemed as good a time as any to try and contact drug dealers. Those who hadn’t smuggled something in were beginning to get restless, while the gays at the bar were now too busy tweeting rumours to be bothered serving anyone and the supervisor had long since vanished with a disgruntled dance captain.
Outstanding Director of a Play
Joe Calarco, A Christmas Carol
Tim Carroll, Twelfth Night **Winner**
Thomas Kail, Family Furniture
Bill Rauch, All the Way
Anna D. Shapiro, Domesticated
Julie Taymor, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Outstanding Director of a Musical
Sam Gold, Fun Home
Michael Mayer, Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Bartlett Sher, The Bridges of Madison County
Susan Stroman, Bullets Over Broadway: The Musical
Alex Timbers, Rocky
Darko Tresnjak, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
Outstanding Choreography
Warren Carlyle, After Midnight **Winner**
Steven Hoggett, Kelly Devine, Rocky
Danny Mefford, Love’s Labour’s Lost
Casey Nicholaw, Aladdin
Susan Stroman, Bullets Over Broadway: The Musical
Sonya Tayeh, Kung Fu
Susan Stroman plots her revenge. Woody Allen wonders if he took too many of the blue pills.
Once again the winners were commented on as decent, while Susan Stroman caused a scene as she grabbed the mic from Warren Carlyle and vowed to bring a winter to Broadway that would last a hundred seasons. Having heard similar threats before from Julie Taymor, she was generally jeered off the stage, while the cast of The Book of Mormon cheerfully took over bar service and billed Matt Stone and Trey Parker for the overtime. They could easily afford it.
At this point – a shock was had as a tied result appeared into the night like a wild Pokemon out of the grass!
Outstanding Featured Actress in a Musical
Stephanie J. Block, Little Miss Sunshine
Anika Larsen, Beautiful: The Carole King Musical **Winner**
Adriane Lenox, After Midnight
Sydney Lucas, Fun Home
Laura Osnes, The Threepenny Opera
Jennifer Simard, Disaster!
Lauren Worsham, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
The gays murmured fascinated as the two actresses made their speeches. Jane Krakowski and Stephanie J. Block both agreed to disagree over which one of them was brassier, while Patti LuPone retreated to the bar with a drag impersonator of Herself so that he could give Her hair styling tips. A gay was dispatched to eavesdrop and make sure the drag queen was giving good advice. He was and so a fatted calf was sent over for Patti to sacrifice on Her home altar to Herself made from the bones of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s spine. She was pleased with the offering and granted a bountiful harvest for the Spring as reward.
As the following award was obvious, though well-deserved, the gays took it in shifts to pay attention.
Outstanding Featured Actor in a Musical
Danny Burstein, Cabaret
Nick Cordero, Bullets Over Broadway: The Musical
Joshua Henry, Violet
James Monroe Iglehart, Aladdin **Winner**
Rory O’Malley, Nobody Loves You
Bobby Steggert, Big Fish
James Monroe Igleheart – the Genie in Aladdin
James Monroe Iglehart, who plays the Genie in Aladdin gave a rousing speech while the other nominees vowed that they could be much drunker and began eyeing off anything in the room with a pulse and a penis. The straight ones texted their wives a sad face and tried to remember if anal diaphragms were available in the chemist across the road.
The following caused delight, as Betty Buckley was apparently already on a high from her mood stabilisers and applauded lustile even though she’d lost. Security called off the pre-requisite sniper armed with a kedamine dart.
Outstanding Featured Actress in a Play
Betty Buckley, The Old Friends
Julia Coffey, London Wall
Diane Davis, The Model Apartment
Celia Keenan-Bolger, The Glass Menagerie **Winner**
Jan Maxwell, The Castle
Sophie Okonedo, A Raisin in the Sun
Celia Keenan-Bolger gave her speech as the gays all sighed and YouTubed Andrew Keenan-Bolger taking it rough in the arse on Looking. A catfight ensued between Alan Cumming and Neil Patrick Harris as to the verisimilitude of Looking and its relevance to a wider gay audience. A truce was called after Alan broke a nail and Sutton Foster, as referee, decided that the show must go on. Laura Benanti was pleased – and the two actresses agreed that it would be a good thing if Idina Menzel did not win tonight. Idina proceeded to have a mood swing and take her shoes off. More drinks were ordered.
A boring category passed.
Outstanding Featured Actor in a Play
Reed Birney, Casa Valentina **Winner**
Chuck Cooper, Choir Boy
Peter Maloney, Outside Mullingar
Bobby Moreno, Year of the Rooster
Bill Pullman, The Jacksonian
Brian J. Smith, The Glass Menagerie
Rendered boring because of course Zachary Quinto was not nominated and thusly not there. At this point the Patti LuPone drag artist lifted Soon Yi’s bag and her faux fur causing team Mazzie to get somewhat rowdy as the bitch was, after all, the step-daughter/wife of the shows writer. Luckily, Patti intervened using the Bene Geserit Voice of Command and nobody was harmed. She also agreed with Laura Benanti that Idina should not win tonight. Though it could not be proved, members of Sutton Foster’s entourage swore they saw Kristin Chenoweth snicker and slip a raven-haired voodoo doll into her purse.
The following category caused a great deal of delight and shots were again had by all!
Happier Days
Outstanding Actress in a Musical
Sutton Foster, Violet
Idina Menzel, If/Then
Jessie Mueller, Beautiful: The Carole King Musical **Winner**
Kelli O’Hara, The Bridges of Madison County
Margo Seibert, Tamar of the River
Barrett Wilbert Weed, Heathers: The Musical
Sutton and Kelli O’Hara shrugged and agreed that it was a good thing that Idina had not won while Margot Seibert and Barrett Wilbert imagined the day when they too would have their own entourage of gays. Jessie Mueller gave a heartfelt acceptance speech – possibly one of the first that anyone actually listened to all the way through so far. Idina Menzel shrugged, knowing full well Disney had bought her the Tony Award for Best Actress months ago during a Frozen press junket and proceeded to comfort herself with a nebuthol and by reading through records of her “Let it Go” sales.
Once again a rare tie appeared out of the blue!
Outstanding Actor in a Musical
Neil Patrick Harris, Hedwig and the Angry Inch **Winner**
Adam Jacobs, Aladdin
Andy Karl, Rocky
Jefferson Mays, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County
Bryce Pinkham, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder
Jefferson Mays gave a humble and witty acceptance speech to cover while Neil Patrick Harris asked Cheyenne Jackson’s boyfriend to belittle and abuse his agent for daring to let him win alongside someone else! The agent begged for mercy while James Franco lit a joint with Andy Karl sparking speculation that the two were romantically involved. James finished his joint first prompting further speculation that he was the bottom. A whip round was held to buy the beautiful couple some poppers.
At this point the sun came out and diamonds decked the halls as once again, her gloriosity Audra won a well deserved Best Actress Award!
Outstanding Actress in a Play
Barbara Andres, I Remember Mama
Tyne Daly, Mothers and Sons
Audra McDonald, Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar & Grill **Winner**
Laurie Metcalf, Domesticated
J. Smith-Cameron, Juno and the Paycock
Harriet Walter, Julius Caesar
Audra MacDonald as Lady Day
She gave a magical speech, wore a fabulous gown and all present knew and trusted that she was just and wise. The crowd spilled through the velvet ropes at one point throwing themselves frantically on Audra’s shadow. No one was arrested but fines were issued. Audra cast a magic, multi-coloured bubble around herself and ascended into the distance. Kristin Chenoweth piped up at this point shrieking: “that’s my set piece!” The general assemblage shook their heads benignly at the diminutive diva and a rousing “bitch please!” echoed about Town Hall. Tyne Daly and Fran Drescher lit up and wondered if there were any straight, Jewish men present. There weren’t.
An interesting category followed.
Outstanding Actor in a Play
Bryan Cranston, All the Way **Winner**
Hamish Linklater, The Comedy of Errors
Ian McKellen, No Man’s Land
David Morse, The Unavoidable Disappearance of Tom Durnin
Chris O’Dowd, Of Mice and Men
Daniel Radcliffe, The Cripple of Inishmaan
Denzel Washington, A Raisin in the Sun
Everyone loves Bryan Cranston but all eyes turned on James Franco to see if his spirit would break in this category he was not nominated for. Daniel Radcliffe decided that next year he would wear his pants a size smaller to try and attract attention. Ian McKellen sneered and advised him not to bother while James Franco rested from flirting with everyone and decided instead to try Blendr – which promptly crashed as everyone present attempted to download it simultaneously. Cheyenne Jackson wondered from his bondage cage in the corner if anyone remembered back when he was the hot one. His boyfriend/master told him to shut his faggot mouth. He did.
The revival awards for both play and musical came and went uneventfully.
Outstanding Revival of a Play
I Remember Mama
London Wall
No Man’s Land
Of Mice and Men
The Cripple of Inishmaan
The Model Apartment
Twelfth Night – Shakespeare’s Globe Production **Winner**
Outstanding Revival of a Musical
Hedwig and the Angry Inch **Winner**
LES MISERABLES
Violet
And everyone remembered yet again what exactly it was that Michelle Williams did to bar her production of the show from any nominations for anything ever. A gay was dispatched at this point to see if Liza – as was traditional – had passed out in the corner. She had and so pillows and a faux mink throw rug were procured for her. Soon Yi and Woody later received word their penthouse had been burgled and Mia Farrow eyes graffitied all over the walls.
Michelle Williams in the 2014 revival of Cabaret
At this stage, with only the major awards left, serious attention began to turn to who exactly would take James Franco home at the end of the night. Remembering she was the host and fearing an iminant rumble, Laura Benanti changed outfits twice and performed a number. It was fierce, naturally.
At this point something strange happened and Jason Robert Brown won best score.
Outstanding Music
Jason Robert Brown, The Bridges of Madison County **Winner**
Andrew Lippa, Big Fish
Steven Lutvak, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder
Alan Menken, Aladdin
Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe, Heathers: The Musical
Jeanine Tesori, Fun Home
A riot was prevented when JRB, mid-way up to the podium, was intercepted by Patti LuPone, who dragged him screaming by his hair and threw him out onto West 43rd Street. Frank Wildhorn – who no one seemed to recall inviting – smiled wanly, remembering fond evenings past. Jeanine Tesori then gave a witty speech about keeping teenagers interested in musical theatre and many laughs were had throughout.
Outstanding Play
Nell Benjamin, The Explorers Club
Steven Levenson, Core Values
Conor McPherson, The Night Alive
Richard Nelson, Regular Singing
Bruce Norris, Domesticated
Robert Schenkkan, All the Way **Winner**
John Patrick Shanley, Outside Mullingar
As Best Play was announced, James Franco, sensing the static electricity in the air, decided he might give the room the slip by climbing out the bathroom window. Naturally this had been expected and he was returned to his seat by a burly, lesbian lighting technician.
James Franco takes a morning after selfie
Best Musical was announced.
Outstanding Musical
A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder **Winner**
Aladdin
Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
Fun Home
Love’s Labour’s Lost
Rocky
The Bridges of Madison County
James Franco went home with everyone. Laura Benanti swore she’d never host another awards ceremony ever again. Idina Menzel passed out spooning Liza in the corner, and once again it was later denied, but Sherie Rene Scott’s gays swore they saw a tiny, blonde figure kicking her in the head. The cleaning staff were unable to confirm.
See you in 2015 Drama Desk Awards! Now onwards to the Tony’s…
Diva Knows Best
Xoxox
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