In the ongoing quest to categorize and label human beings for the purpose of writing trend pieces about them, a new species of person has been born: the “spornosexual.” Which is apparently pretty much the same thing as the “metrosexual”–in fact, the new term has been coined by Mark Simpson, the same dude who invented the term “metrosexual” in the first place. Oh, and once again, former “metrosexual,” David Beckham is supposedly a prime example of whatever a “spornosexual” is supposed to be.
Simpson explains:
With their painstakingly pumped and chiselled bodies, muscle-enhancing tattoos, piercings, adorable beards and plunging necklines it’s eye-catchingly clear that second-generation metrosexuality is less about clothes than it was for the first. Eagerly self-objectifying, second generation metrosexuality is totally tarty. Their own bodies (more than clobber and product) have become the ultimate accessories, fashioning them at the gym into a hot commodity – one that they share and compare in an online marketplace.
This new wave puts the “sexual” into metrosexuality. In fact, a new term is needed to describe them, these pumped-up offspring of those Ronaldo and Beckham lunch-box ads, where sport got into bed with porn while Mr Armani took pictures.
Let’s call them “spornosexuals”.
The word itself is a portmanteau of sports, porn and sexual–not of “spores, porn and sexual,” which would probably be way more interesting for fans of “A Secret Garden.” Apparently the “spornosexuals” are straight dudes who are really into getting chiseled at the gym and then taking sexy selfies of themselves. Suffice it to say, I have literally never met a heterosexual human man who does this. I would probably fall down dead were I to see any dude I know in an outfit like whatever this is supposed to be:
Now, far be it for me to judge anyone’s concept of sexiness. Everyone has their own thing, and good for you if you find this enticing. I am just going to say that as of right now, I kind of refuse to believe that this is a globe-sweeping trend for straight dudes. I, at least, have never encountered it in person.
I must admit, however, that it has always been a secret desire of mine for women to get together and just come up with completely absurd, possibly painful, definitely expensive and overly strict beauty standards for men that we insist that they adhere to for fear that if they don’t, we will vomit all over them or something. You know, some things that would really give all of them a complex. This “spornosexual” thing may be the beginnings of just that.
However, the thing is, there have always been fancy dudes. Cary Grant was a fancy dude. Prince is a fancy dude. In fact, I think I’ve seen Prince wear this exact outfit, some time in the late ’80s. What that fancy means will probably change over time, but I don’t think there needs to be a whole new name for them every twenty years. I just don’t think we need new categories for humans in general. It’s really something we should all be done with by the time we leave high school.
As a writer, I know we all sometimes grasp at straws for something to write about, but I sincerely cannot recall the last time I read a “trend piece” and thought to myself, “Oh yes, this is definitely a thing. This is what all the cool kids are doing these days! Thank goodness there is finally a name for it!” I mean, I could probably make up literally anything I happened to run across and say it’s a “trend.” There is a dude sitting behind me at the coffee shop right now, and he is eating sausage he brought from home and it smells like farts. I could write a trend piece about that, and then insist that bringing your own gross smelling sausage everywhere is the hottest new trend ever. I mean, obviously trend pieces are supposed to be fluff to begin with, but it would be nice if they were occasionally grounded in reality.