Well! I certainly can’t be the only one who is thrilled to see that Sarah Palin will soon have her own internet television station! I mean, with the joy that Glenn Beck brings us all, I’m sure it’ll be a total thrill. However, given that we already have a ridiculous conservative dressing up in silly costumes and saying silly things, I’m thinking Rogue TV could go another direction: Rebooted sitcoms made in your image of America! I have some ideas, and you are welcome to give me moneys for them if you like.
1. Perfect Strangers
In this version, Cousin Balky Bartokomous is an evil villain who has come from the island of Mepos to America with the intent to steal as many jobs as he can from decent American citizens, hoard “Obama phones” and probably do terrorism. His once-whimsical misunderstandings of our ways and culture and insistence on practicing his unAmerican dances of joy only serve to highlight the extent to which he disdains our way of life. No hi-jinks ensue.
2. Good Times
In this version, Florida and James Evans live with their family in government funded housing not because they are poor (because no one is poor, duh, this is America) but because they are lazy and prefer to subsist off of other people’s money while working long hours at menial jobs rather than just going ahead and becoming rich magically. Cabrini Green is presented as a gorgeous fancy-pants high rise and the Evans family has lobster for dinner every night. Eventually, the entire rest of the cast is cut out and it’s just J.J. who never actually achieves any success with his comic books but instead just hangs out all day and says “Dyno-mite!”
3. All In The Family
Pretty much the same except that Archie is presented as a true ‘Merican hero who is just speaking all the truths rather than an awful bigoted douchebag. He is, of course, played by Rush Limbaugh. OH, and it takes place in Alaska rather than New York because there aren’t any real Americans left in New York City. Duh.
4. Bosom Buddies
Presented as a dystopian future depicting what transgender citizens are actually trying to do: Dress up as ladies so they can get cheap apartments and also spy on women they are sexually attracted to so that they can manipulate them into sex.
5. Designing Women
In this version, Julia Sugarbaker is dead from having 10,000 botched abortions and overfeministing herself, and pretty much the whole show is about Suzanne Sugarbaker and Charlene and is mostly about pageants. Also, I just realized that Sarah Palin is an Alaskan Suzanne Sugarbaker and my entire mind has been blown.
6. Murphy Brown
This takes place after Murphy Brown has a baby out of wedlock, when she decides that she will now become a born-again virgin and spend the rest of her life attempting to make it all up to Dan Quayle.
7. Growing Pains
In this version, Kirk Cameron has been raptured and gets to look down upon his heathen family from his throne next to Jesus and laugh maniacally all the time.
8. Herman’s Head
Herman, in this instance, is played by Herman Cain, and he’s got one voice that wants to sexually harass everyone, one that just constantly yells “9-9-9,” one who is the president of Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan, and another who just wants to eat crap pizza from the airport.
9. Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
This children’s show would teach children the importance of not sharing and show them that by bullying other students they are actually just expressing their religious freedom and helping other children to build character.
10. Cheers
It would actually be titled “Cheers, But With More Guns and Kelsey Grammar and Cliff Claven Guy Who’s Crazy Now Just Play Themselves and It’s Not In Massachusetts Because That’s Gross.”
11. The Flintsones
Could actually run as is, as long as it was presented as an educational show meant to show children how cavemen actually lived.
Feature image courtesy of Tony Wong