Guest Post! Today, we're hearing from Stephanie, who just moved from her original running blog to a NEW Run for Fun, that launches this week with Stephanie sharing part of her story that has not yet been revealed. Please read her post below and check out her blog for more on how she found her life worth living.
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Hi
all, Meredith was nice enough to let me blog for you
today. I just converted my website
from Blogger to WordPress – Run for Fun. While I have been
blogging for a long time, I have not been completely truthful. My path in blogging has been an amazing
one, I have made lifelong friends, enjoyed sharing my running experiences with
everyone and hearing about yours, and most of all I have loved being a
support to others whether it be to those pregnant, suffering from infertility,
postpartum anxiety or training for a marathon. I want to continue that;
thus with the start of this new blog, I want to add more, I want to come
clean and in turn hope to help more people. So, no more secrets. It
is time to be honest not only to help others but also because as I embark on
amazing adventure to write a book on infertility and disorder eating, I
must begin to show you the true me. I do not expect that this will now
become the main focus of my blog, there will be running and baby talk.
Thus if this does not interest you, please feel free to stop here. But if
it does spark your interest, I hope you will take a moment and read my story
and maybe it will help you too.
Please feel free to stop by my blog to hear more! Hope this helps.
Thanks for joining me....well us!
For
a long time, I lived a secret life. At least, I believed it was a secret
life, to some extent. Many people, even some of you, may already know my
secret. This is over 10 years of a secret life, it cannot be one blog
post, but I will try to tell my story in manageable pieces overtime in hopes
that you all gain something from it. So here we go….no more secrets,
truth time.
From
the time I was 14 until the age of 25, I lived a life with an Eating
Disorder. For 11 years of my life I suffered from an extreme terrifying,
overwhelming, and deadly Eating Disorder, Anorexia, or how we refer to him in
the business, “ED.” Some of those years were the most difficult, scary,
and unmanageable years of my life. I was not living, I was killing
myself, I was overtaken by ED. It was not until 2010 when I admitted
myself into an intensive outpatient program for eating disorders did I truly
begin to live.
Beginning to Live!
Today,
I am a motivational speaker for Eating Disorder recovery, I am writing a book
about Hypothalamic Amenorrhea and disorder eating, and I am about to start
co-facilitating an eating disorder recovery group for teenagers. Today, I
am leading a life worth living. It is my mantra in life – to lead a life worth
living. Thus, to tell you all my story, the only way I felt I could do so was
to incorporate bits and pieces from my speech I give several times a year at “Hope
and Inspiration” – a program where recovered people speak to those who may be
struggling in some way to give them none other than “hope and inspiration.”
Here we go...
Hope & Inspiration
Once
upon a time, I was a very happy girl. I was content with
life. Did I always love how my body looked? No. But on
a day-to-day basis I was happy. I looked at pictures and I saw life,
experiences, relationships, and joy. I did not see the size of my clothes
or judge my appearance.
Going
into my sophomore year of high school, I decided to lose weight. It was not
about being the ideal body type, it was not for anyone else, it was not used as
an unhealthy coping skill, at least at first. Rather, it was about
leading a “healthy” lifestyle. Eating well-balanced meals and becoming
more fit. There were lots of different areas to change but restricting
was not an option. Some things were cut and some things were eaten more
sparingly but all in all, it was done in a healthy manner and I lost weight,
became more fit and felt healthy and alive. Maybe because at that point,
I was not losing weight uncontrollably, I was not starving myself. I was
developing, a healthy relationship with food and exercise, or so I
thought. Within a few months of my “dieting,” I had met my goal. I
did not need to go any further. My body was getting what it needed,
it and I was happy.
Happy picture time during a hard post...
But
yet there was something inside of me that made it so I could not stop
losing. “It” beamed with pride when people told me how great I looked and
told me not to stop dieting! “It” was ED – and I listened. After
all, ED told me that I could be thin, beautiful, and popular. ED also
told me he could solve my problems. He could help me feel in control of
something, anything. When school became difficult, I turned to ED.
When my mom, who had been sick for a long time, grew sicker, I turned to
ED. When I had to take on adult responsibility at a young age, I turned
to ED. He was there for me. He could help me, or so I believed. He
made me feel in control of the things I could not control. He provided me a
means of coping, albeit an unhealthy one. He made things better or so I
thought. ED also told me that if I did what he said, all the boys would
notice me and they did, well, they noticed my body anyway. So
I listened to ED. ED told me what I could eat for breakfast, lunch and
dinner. I was only allowed certain foods, certain amounts, and certain
times. As the days stretched into months, this list of what I could eat
and how much kept decreasing while the list of no-nos and scary foods increased
at an alarming pace.
ED
made me believe things were going well, while in reality things only grew worse
as ED staked out his claim on me and overtook my life. My health and
well-being were rapidly deteriorating. From rules about food, ED
turned to rules about exercise. ED yelled at me to listen to him and told
me what to do. He obsessed over numbers and his rules grew more intense
and stricter. The once healthy relationship that I believed I had with
food was gone. Instead, ED helped me develop an unhealthy relationship
with food, exercise, and my body. I was miserable.
Here is where you usually see "the perfect body;"
here is where you realize there is no such thing
ED
was with me throughout high school – he came to Prom and enforced severe rules
around meals. He was there when I was President of my Jewish Youth Group
telling me the boys would only notice me if I looked a certain way and he was
there when I went off to college requiring me to bring my trusty scale and “safe”
foods. In college, ED remained slightly on the back burner for a
while. I had found myself a wonderful man who loved me for me and while I
still followed some of EDs rules, I was maintaining a healthier diet and had
regained my health. That man, my future husband, helped me to relinquish control.
He made me happy. He showed me that life was something to enjoy and
cherish in the here and now. Being away from home and the demands of
having adult responsibilities at a young age alleviated my need for ED.
ED provided me with an unhealthy way to cope with those “not so fun”
emotions. But I did not need him when I was free from life’s struggles
and enjoying the moment.
It
was not until I began planning my wedding during law school that ED came
knocking, and I answered. You want to lose weight for your wedding? You
are stressed about law school? Your mother-in-law has cancer? You are injured
and can’t run – don’t worry I will help you said ED. Just like last time,
I did not have the healthy coping skills in place to fight back when life hands
you lemons. It was not my fault. I had never learned how to cope in a
healthy manner and because I did not have these necessary skills, I turned to
ED. He seemed to always know what to do. ED set up new rules – more
severe than last time – after all this was serious – I was dealing with many
stressful situations and had a lot of needs and did not know how to deal with
them. ED went to work. He knew what to do, he knew how to solve my
problems and did so through a variety of unhealthy behaviors. Once again, ED
told me what I could eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and made sure to
explain the consequences to my body and life if I disobeyed him. He also
helped me reconnect with the trustee old scale and adjusted my food intake and
workouts to obtain and stay at the “magic number.”
Love of my Life
My
family was scared, I was scared, my husband was scared. ED had clearly
taken over and it showed physically and mentally. Everyone noticed,
everyone made comments. To make matters worse, I was not consuming enough
fuel and therefore had no energy and was moody all the time. I remember
catching a cold one day that my husband had the week before. My husband
was sick for a day. I was sick for a week, my father thought I had a
severe case of the flu I was so sick. I didn’t, I had ED.
ED
and I continued our relationship for my entire three years of law school.
I missed my wedding, trips to Florida, my honeymoon, dinners out with friends,
lunch dates with my husband all because of ED. Don’t get me wrong, I was
definitely present at my wedding and these other events. But so was
ED. I could not truly live through the experience as he clouded my head.
My life day in and day out was a constant struggle. I existed in a fog,
always occupied by ED thoughts. It was impossible to concentrate.
It was impossible to accomplish anything, unless ED was telling me to do or not
do something. Either I was too tired or faint from lack of fuel or too
consumed by ED’s demands to focus on anything else. In short, I was not
living.
Honeymoon in Vegas! I could show you the full picture here and then you could compare.
But truth is that does not help
On
a basic day, life would revolve around ED and my awful state of
starvation. If we wanted to do something or go somewhere, I had to know
exactly what foods were available and when we would be eating. If it was
not the right foods at the right times, I would not go or I would go feeling
anxious and upset the entire time. My husband, who was often with me,
would also be uncomfortable and not know what to do. Others would
ask questions. My husband would feel like he had failed me.
He had not, he never did, it was impossible for him to help, ED had me in his grasps.
Every
day ED took up all my time and energy. It was frustrating, exhausting,
agonizing and upsetting. I would send my husband about 100 emails a day
discussing each meal and what I could and could not eat. I could not
concentrate on my schoolwork and was distracted all the time. To make
matters worse, I was grumpy and irritable. I would snap at my husband,
father, and friends – then feel “guilty” and come crawling back for mercy.
My
relationships deteriorated. My husband and friends tried to help. One
night in particular we went out for dinner. ED was letting me eat a
little but only a little. My friend and husband pushed me to eat more.
The waitress came, she asked if I was done. I said yes. My husband
and friend said no and pushed me to just take a few more bites. I have
seen people plead, bargain, and bribe me to provide my body with the nutrients
it needs, wants and deserves. Nothing worked. I was hurting myself
and those around me and I hated every minute it of it. But there was absolutely
nothing I could do about it. I knew what needed to be done, I knew I just
needed to walk over to the kitchen and get some food but there was something
stopping me. I was hungry, I was STARVING, but something made me stop,
again that something was ED.
After
law school, I studied for the bar exam. After the bar exam, my therapist
approached me. Throughout my struggles I did have a wonderful outpatient
team. They stood by me, helping me as much as they could. But I
needed more.
They only saw me once a week at best and I was with ED 24/7. After the
bar exam, my therapist sat me down and handed me pamphlets for a program. I sat
there stoically as she talked – I felt sick to my stomach. ED told me I
could not go to this place that all my biggest fears would come true if I went
there. I
would not go to this place I thought as my therapist talked, what did she know?
I could take care of this problem on my own, who needs her right?
This
woman saved my life. That day I went home to talk to my husband. I
cried. I told him I did not want to go. That I had too much to do – after all I
had a marathon to train for (even though there would always be another one) and
law to practice (even though I did not have a job or school). We agreed,
I would try myself and then talk to my therapist in two weeks. I tried.
But I needed more. It was not my fault, it is not your fault or your
family’s fault. ED is very VERY strong.
You can be stronger, happier, healthier
We
went back to the therapist. She talked to us about the program and we
decided to call and set up a consultation. The weekend before the
consultation I was sick with the idea of going to get help. ED kept
telling me it would all be over once I was there and that I needed to have one
last hurrah – we went to the Cape. I gave into every order ED told me to
do. It was the most self-destructive I had ever been but I was so scared,
nervous, and sick to my stomach. I was scared to lose ED and his
rules. ED was my life, my comfort. I could not image the world
without him. How would I cope? I needed ED to maintain
control. I could not go on without him I thought. So I did
everything I could to avoid the inevitable even calling and postponing the
appointment due to illness. But after all that, I went to the consultation.
On
my first day in program, they told me I could no longer listen to ED’s demands
and have my ED behaviors – exercise and restrictive behaviors were no longer an
option. I was killing myself and this needed to change. They told me no
exercise. I told
them I could go a day without exercise – I went 7 weeks and only returned when
I was ready to do so in a healthy manner. They told me I would have to
eat, I told them Go to hell. Today I eat 3 full meals a day and 3
snacks. They told me I could recover, I told them I had nothing to
recover from. Today, I am recovered. Today I live without ED.
Today I live a life worth living.
A Life Worth Living
This
is not the end of the story. This is background. The story starts
here, when I truly began to live. I hope to share this portion of the
story with you next. To show you life got better, much, much
better now that I live without ED. But I want to hear from you?
Shall I go on? Do you want the rest of the story? How much
does this interest you? Can this help you?
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Thank you for sharing, Steph! I'm sure your story can help touch and inspire a lot of people.
Read more from Stephanie over at Run For Fun.