2014-12-13



Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons E.5 “Aftershocks”

I decided not to recap last week’s episode on account of the actually important and upsetting global issues floating around. This week, the world is no less dark and this column no less trivial but hey, a couple of people read this thing so let’s get back to business.

A quick recap of last week’s boring episode: Scott checks himself into rehab. Kylie asks for his Lamborghini while he’s away. Khloe has a 30th birthday party on a yacht. French Montana mumbles. Kim thinks about mortality. Kris cries. Kendall models. Kourtney sees a therapist. Let’s move on.



Kourtney finds out that Scott is leaving rehab after five days (it was a six-day program, so whatever). I guess that was all the time he needed to feel detoxified and refreshed. Apparently Kim “told half of New York that [Scott] tried to commit suicide,” so he’s pretty mad at her, but he wants to talk to Kourtney and see his kids, so he heads back to the house. Kourt takes a barefoot walk with her therapist to brace herself for his return.



South Park has a theory that the Kardashians are Hobbits…

He gets back and takes everyone for an awkward ride on his new boat. When they return, it’s time for Kim and Scott to talk about their suicide gossip drama. I don’t remember hearing anything about this in the tabloids, which is disappointing on a personal level. Either way, I’m not really sure what they’re talking about but Scott forgives Kim and calls her a drama queen and moves on.



Awwwww.

With Kim’s drama out of the way, it’s time for Scott and Kourtney to talk about their future. They’ve been having these problems for so long – what else is there to say that hasn’t been said “like 5,000 times before?” Scott doesn’t want to dissolve their family, but are they going to spend the rest of their lives arguing? Kourtney wants space but how much more space does she need? According to Scott, they haven’t slept together in five years (except for three times to have babies I guess). The discussion is put on hold and he leaves to sleep at a hotel.

The next day, Kim has plans to spend time with longtime Kardashian Kompanion/Konfidant, Jonathan Cheban. Kourtney reveals that for years, someone close to the family has been selling stories to the media, and her prime suspect is none other than ex-publicist / current gossip tabloider, (Is tabloider a word? Tabloidist?), Jonathan. Khloe pipes up for the first time in the episode to express her distaste for “leaky assholes.”

Turn’s out Jonathan wants to take Kim somewhere they can really let loose, so he suggests the Jersey Shore. Kim is initially super bummed, but when she learns they have churros there, she’s singing a different tune. On the way down to the beach, he suspiciously grills Kim about some gossip. Of course, she can’t keep her churro-loving mouth shut and she spills about having the therapist come out for Kourtney.

When they arrive to Jonathan’s friend’s kitschy house (complete with taxidermy, pinball machines, and tacky furniture), Kim gets a call from Khloe. The press knows about Kourtney’s therapist! Jonathan is the only person Kim told! Kim is instructed to keep her mouth shut.

Scott wants to talk to Kourtney some more about their issues. He doesn’t want to live apart from his family and he wants to continue down his “good” path, which includes doing sober club appearances. Cut to a really bummer flashback of Mason asking where Scott lives. Cut to Kourtney whining about old habits or something.

Cut back to the Jersey Shore. Jonathan enters wearing a ridiculous outfit that can only be described with this picture of him in the outfit:

He offers Kim donuts. Kim hates donuts! How can someone I love so much hate donuts? How can someone who loves churros hate donuts? She accuses Jonathon of only wearing that outfit for the benefit of the paparazzi. She accuses him of being the leak. She demands to see his cellphone. He throws the donuts and his cellphone at her and storms out in a huff.

Kim covered in donuts must be fulfilling someone’s sexual fantasy.

Kim doesn’t find any incriminating evidence in Jonathan’s phone. Confused, she calls one of her many publicists. It turns out that the paparazzi got a picture of the therapist and put two and two together. Kim calls the paparazzi dramatic. Jonathan returns and they hash it out. He wants to be mad at her, but she looks too ridiculous.

Kanye’s worst nightmare.

They ride bikes and eat corndogs and churros along the boardwalk. Hundreds of people follow them around, taking iPhone pictures. I’m so jealous of these people.

What I would give to be boardwalk security in this moment. Or that corndog.

Scott comes home and tells Kourtney that he’s been at an AA meeting. He’s really being pro-active about his new healthy lifestyle and Kourtney is pleased. He wants to get through AA to become a “better person for everybody, forever.” He jokes about wanting to have a drink right then, but admits it’s not worth it. Aww, cute.

Here’s a bonus picture of Kim eating a churro:

Stray Observations:

Did you know this theme song is by Fergie? Ugh, it’s so bad.

Kim yells about churros literally three times in this 40-minute episode.

Is the therapist the leak?? Would be hot.

Khloe’s presence in this episode is pretty weak. She better step it up next week.

Unexpected Voice of Reason:

Kim: “I’m kind of a down-ass bitch.”

Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons E.6 “Kaptain Kourtney and Skipper Scott”

Aww, Penelope is turning two! Kim gifts her with some kind of toy toilet and we find out, rather anticlimactically, that Kourtney and Scott will be having another boy. Mason is bummed, he wanted a sister. Khloe says some sexist shit about girls not liking aliens and Legos and convinces Mason that having a brother will be cool. It seems kind of weird that the episode opens with this scene – E! has been building to the dramatic reveal of learning their baby’s gender for a while, and this was pretty boring. But then again, this show is pretty boring.

At the beach, Kourtney lies about having her sailing license. She explains that when she went to camp in the Adirondacks at the age of 11, she learned to be a “sick sailor.” She’s also a self-proclaimed pottery master. Oye. Like Scott says, “she’s trippin, boo.” That, or the producers realized that this show hasn’t really been Hamptons-y in a while, and they decided to introduce sailing to the plot.

Kaptain Kourtney

Back at the house, Kris calls Khloe to discuss her radio show deal offer from a few episodes ago – to recap, some station wants Khloe to have a radio show, and Khloe wants Scott to co-host, but the station is worried that Scott is too much of a liability. Khloe tells Kris to call the station and tell them to shove their offer up their ass. Either the Lord gets a co-host spot, or there’s no show. Way to choose family over money, Khloe! Or are you just in love with Scott? Hmm.

Over lunch with Kourtney, Khloe brings up the idea of having a podcast with Scott. That way, they can curse as much as they want and Scott can be a loose cannon. Kourtney loves that her sister is looking out for Scott, oblivious to the fact that Khloe and Scott are definitely in love with each other. Manager Kris calls up to interrupt their lunch, so they prank her by pretending to be Penelope. Klassic Kardashian humor.

Penelope speaking.

That night, Khloe goes to tell Scott about the podcast idea as he’s writing an email. “Let me just write this so I can give my full attention to the beauteous of you.” He goes on to tell Khloe that a store in the Hamptons sells shorts made of the same material as her luxury bathrobe. They imagine how nice the material would feel on their respective genitals. Anyways, the podcast is a go.

Scott prepares a mango-scented bubble bath and sets up some microphones on the edge of the tub. He also sets up some candles and a lifejacket, not fully understanding that a podcast is strictly audio. But, Khloe appreciates the ambiance. They blow bubbles onto each other and talk about shrinkage and the difficulty of having sex in water. They’re just “tubbin’ it and rubbin’ it.” Good podcast, too bad it’s not available anywhere.

Tubbin’ it and rubbin’ it.

The lovebirds decide to call Kaptain Kourtney’s bluff – she has claimed to be an electrician and chef in the past, but this whole sailing captain thing has gone TOO FAR. They get a sailboat and demand that Kourtney take them around the lake. She’s immediately revealed as a fraud, as the boat fills with water and Scott falls overboard.

Lord down.

Back on land, Khloe heads to New Jersey to be in her boyfriend French Montana’s music video. Scott had also promised to participate in the video, but worries that being in a rap video environment will tempt him to party. He bails. Khloe’s pissed. They wear some creepy masks and light a car on fire and that’s a wrap.

I didn’t realize this was a Halloween episode.

After Scott apologizes for bailing on the video, he decides to get back at Kourtney for sending him overboard. He knows she will be going outside soon to take her regularly scheduled Instagram photo (Lol), so he waits on the balcony and eventually drops a bucket of water on her head. I wish he got her back a little harder for being so generally annoying this season, but I’ll take it.

Payback’s a bitch, but so is Kourtney.

Stray Observations:

French Montana celebrates Ramadan? Who knew.

Khloe reveals that she KNOWS when people are trying to take discreet photos of her on their cellphones, and she would rather them just be obvious about it so she can pose. Noted!

Kourtney once lied about her and Kim getting thrown into an alligator cage at the zoo. Lol.

When Khloe calls Rob from the video shoot, he sounds pretty…not good. Where’s Rob?

Unexpected Voice of Reason:

French Montana: “If anybody gonna date Kris Jenner it’s gonna be me.”

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