You know those days when everything seems to be going your way. The sun is shining, you’re having a great hair day, you win $20 on a scratch off lottery ticket and your fave wine is on clearance at the supermarket...Well, today was NOT one of those days. I get it, they can’t all be good days, I can handle that. But, today was also my first day of playgroup! If you’ve been reading for awhile, you have gotten to know me and you know that this is a BIG deal for me. If you’re new to my blog, some days I am a anxious, procrastinating mess. This was one of those days...
5:02 am: My husband lets the door slam when he leaves the house. The baby wakes up.
5:06 am: Putting a pillow over my head unfortunately does little to drown out the screeches coming from my daughter’s room.(Note to self: Invent a sound cancelling pillow, market it to new mothers, become millionaire).
5:10 am: After failing to find my glasses, I decide to Mr. Magoo-it downstairs to get Ella a bottle.
5:12 am: Get the shit scared out of me when the motion operated Laugh and Learn puppy sitting on the counter starts telling me it loves me and asking me to count with him.
5:15-6:30 am: Put Ella in the Pack & Play, give her a bottle, turn on Franklin and Friends and fall in and out of sleep while having trippy dreams about turtles.
7:00 am: Go downstairs to make Ella breakfast and realize there’s no coffee left...f*ck. I realize I have to just suck it up and realize it’s going to be a shitty day.
7:02 am - 8:00 am: Open my computer and get lost in the “Facebook Zone”. After about an hour of staring at the computer with a goofy smile on my face and stalking my faves on FB, I am finally broken from the zone when I realize that Ella’s been throwing eggs in my hair. Thanks a lot Ella, it’s the first day of group...nothing says “Nice to meet you” like a stray piece of egg stuck to the back of my head.
8:00 am- 9:45 am: Play with Ella and her ridiculous amount of toys. Crawl around the living room chasing Ella. I decide to take a break from chasing her, lie down next to the couch and discover a graveyard of lost items under the couch. I find all the pens and socks that have been lost in the past year. Realize that my husband and I are slobs and should probably clean under the couch more often.
10:00 am: Time for Ella’s nap! Woohooo mommy time!
10:05 am: It hits me that I have a job and am WAY behind. I decide to dedicate Ella’s nap time to catch up on all of my work.
10:30 am: I realize that rather than work for the last hour I have been sitting, watching and laughing at Yo Gabba Gabba. Don’t judge...it was the Jack Black episode!
10:30am: Ok, work time for real now.
11:15 am: My mind wanders and I start thinking about the fact that it is our first day of play group today. Get nervous, start biting my nails and run to the bathroom (I’m a nervous pooper).
11:30am-12:15pm: Reply to work emails, yawn, wish I had coffee, pinterest...repeat.
12:20pm: I attempt to put my hair into a ponytail and realize there’s more egg in my hair than I thought. Shit. I did NOT factor washing my hair into today’s schedule. Get nervous that I won’t have enough time to get ready. Remember that I am already super nervous for my first day of the playgroup. Bathroom...:/
12:30pm: Thank god that Ella’s still napping and jump into the shower.
12:45pm: Quickly make Ella’s lunch, drag the high chair into Ella’s room and stub my toe. Convince myself that somehow stubbing my toe was my husbands fault, stay mad at him for the next few minutes until I realize how crazy that is. Feel guilty. Call my husband to tell him I love him.
12:50pm: Start to blow dry my hair, but after a few minutes of pathetic noises it shuts off. WTF?!?! Stare at my half dried frizzy hair in disbelief. I knew it was a bad idea to cut my hair short! Damp, mushroom head afro is not a cute look for my “first day”. Frizzy ponytail it is.
1:00pm: Check on Ella and realize she’s not eating and this is one of those times that she will refuse to eat unless she take it from my hand. On a normal day this habit is time consuming, slightly annoying and kind of cute. Today, when I am in a rush it is just plain frustrating.
1:00pm-1:30pm: Feed Ella, get dressed, feed Ella, makeup, feed Ella...
1:35pm: Why the hell is the diaper bag never ready to go?? Remove old bottle of milk (eew) and frantically run around finding the things that a responsible mom would have packed, Febreeze the shit out of the bag to get rid of the unidentifiable odd smell.
1:45pm: Worry that the other moms won’t like me. Worry that Ella will bite someone. Worry that I won’t be able to find the place. OMG, am I 13 years old?!?
1:50pm: Look over at Ella’s talons nails I forgot to clip last night. After images of her damaging another toddlers cornea appear in my mind, I decide to go on a hunt for the nail clippers.
1:55pm: Once again get the shit scared out of me by the damn Laugh and Learn puppy that is (obviously) still sitting on my counter. “No, I do not want a hug nor do I care that you love me!!”
2:00pm: Smell poop. Shit (no pun intended).
2:05pm: We’re late, we’re late, we’re late...
2:10pm: Read the details for the playgroup and notice for the first time that it says that Ella need to wear socks at the play place. SOCKS?! Are you serious, it’s summer in Arizona.
2:15pm: Look everywhere and finally settle for a lint covered mismatched pair of 0-6 month socks that I found behind the dryer. 6 months, 16 months, really what’s the difference, socks are stretchy for a reason, right?.
2:20pm: Where are the damn keys?!?!
2:30pm: Leave the house 15 minutes late, listen to Toddler Tunes on repeat and try to keep the road rage to a minimum.
3:00pm-4:45pm: Arrive at play group. Make uncomfortable small talk, avoid the snotty kid that is trying to show me how good she is at twirling (look, random kid, twirling does not require any talent at all and I’m not going to pretend it does) and embarrass myself with my need to make weird, unfunny jokes when I’m uncomfortable. Ella starts screaming after she falls off the cushion-y chair onto the padded ground. I feel like I should be awarded the worst mother of the year award. The other moms are nice and give me sympathetic looks. It makes me feel a bit less guilty.
5:00pm: Drive home while cringing at the memories of my awkwardness and think about how grateful I am for: a) having an awesome daughter that is not annoying b) that my daughter is finally starting to walk and c) the person who decided to ferment grapes and make wine.
5:45 pm: Look in the mirror and realize that all the frantic rushing around made my hair look like a troll doll after a bender and my face look like a stripper who put her makeup on in a sauna. So much for a good first impression.
6:00pm: Mmmmmm...wine.
