The Bachelor Recap {Chris Soules – Episode 1}
Oh…The Bachelor.
For those of you who are newer to my site, my friend Shelly and I used to recap episodes of The Bachelor/Bachelorette when we ran a pop culture/beauty site together. But we are both moms and have our own websites also… and then I had a baby and Shelly started writing a cookbook. Maintaining two sites just got to be way too much.
I eventually decided to keep doing some of the features I was doing over there over here — the ones that you guys missed and requested the most. Those were beauty reviews, meal plans, and monthly reading lists.
Annnnd…The Bachelor.
This is my first go around of Bachelor recaps on this site, and let me tell you…the recaps are an undertaking. Episodes are long, I type out notes while I’m watching so I don’t forget my first thoughts/reactions/impressions, then go back later and form all of that into a post that makes sense. So most likely, I will plan on posting these every Friday. That gives me a bit of time to get my mess together.
If you have never read one of my recaps or are thinking “I hate that show”….well, so do a lot of people. So do I, sometimes. I honestly view The Bachelor with a mixture of hope and romance and disgust and skepticism. I want to keep telling myself it’s all a giant lie orchestrated for TV, but if you get the right people together, I find myself being swept away and possibly (likely) shedding a few (hundred) tears during the finale. It’s true.
I should also preface this recap by telling you that I am madly in love with Chris Soules. I loved him on The Bachelorette (Andi, not so much but whatever), and was THRILLED when he was chosen as The Bachelor. My only fear is that ABC will end up making me hate him. Please, ABC…don’t do that to me. After Juan Pablo, I just can’t take it. So know that I genuinely AM rooting for him to find true love. Mostly.
The Bachelor Episode 1
The Bachelor opened with a live show and red carpet with Chris Harrison playing a poor man’s Ryan Seacrest. Former contestants were walking a red carpet lined with fans (seriously??) and Chris opened by telling us right off the bat that this is the most DRAMATIC SEASON EVER. Why? Well for one, he promises that we will see a virgin spend the night in the fantasy suite. This is the point where I noticed a countdown clock in the upper right hand portion of my screen. Is there really an HOUR before we start seeing women arrive in limos to meet Chris??
Apparently so. Because it’s a THREE HOUR PREMIER. Chris Harrison — this isn’t the Golden Globes. STOP TRYING TO MAKE BACHELOR RED CARPET A THING.
We then flash back to Iowa, where Chris is riding a motorcycle, telling us that Iowa is God’s country. I’m just hoping he kept that in mind during his fantasy suite date with the virgin. Just saying what we are all thinking, here.
I immediately notice that he looks skinnier. OR did his teeth just get bigger? Or both? No matter — he’s still a mighty fine looking farmer. I can work with this.
We then watch Chris going through what we are to assume are his day to day tasks. Driving the tractor, scooping corn, leaning on shovel while he wipes his brow with a contemplative look in his eye. Chris then tells us that love is a lot like farming. Not MY love, Chris…not my love.
To make the point that Chris is just a little old small town farmer, ABC producers force him to stand on an abandoned street in downtown Arlington, goofily waving at…no one. I know that he was forced because no one would ever do this in real life. It honestly defies logic. The empty streets are also used as evidence that Chris can’t meet women. It’s impossible! He lives in a tiny town for ants! The only way for him to ever find love is on The Bachelor! See what happens when he waves to an empty, abandoned ghost town ant street? NOTHING!! Thank goodness for Chris Harrison, swooping in and saving this hot farmer from sure loneliness.
Chris then tells us that he’s leaving the farm during a very busy and important time of the year and drives off on his motorcycle, apparently headed straight for the mansion.
Back at the red carpet, Chris Harrison continues his plot to steal Ryan Seacrest’s identity. More couples walk before screaming fans, and we are supposed to care. Oh look! There’s Sean and Catherine! Chris pulls The Bachelor golden couple over for a quick interview — we all know that ABC is hanging onto them for dear life.
Catherine is adorable and Sean is as cute as ever. Chris asks them when they are having babies, which isn’t at all awkward. Seriously, Chris. Ryan would never ask that on the red carpet.
Next up is Marcus and Lacy (apparently that coundown clock is FOR REAL, not a suggestion. This is taking FOREVER). Marcus and Lacey reveal that they are planning their wedding, but are vague on a date, which sounds suspicious to me. Lacey then says they have a tentative date set, but are 80/40 sure. It then becomes obvious that they are waiting for her to repeat 4th grade math before they go through with the wedding.
We then flash back to the show and start meeting some of the bachelorettes. We all know from experience that being featured means they will either go far or be full of cray cray drama.
We meet:
**Britt, 27 waitress from Hollywood. Very pretty, very nice, and very genuine. She will be around for awhile, I can already tell. They show her standing on a street in Hollywood with a “Free Hugs” sign which is a tad troubling, but I also know that you have to be willing to overlook a touch of cray if you ever have any hope of getting married. So, it’s not necessarily a deal breaker. Possible top 3.
Jillian 25, News Producer from Washington DC. Weight trains at gym…says she’s competitive — it’s obvious that she will clash with someone in the house.
Amanda, 24, from Lincoln Hills, IL . Dance instructor. She tells us that she lives with her mom because she doesn’t like cooking or paying bills. Then she stares at us with disconcerting crazy eyes. She won’t stay long.
**Whitney, 29 Chicago, Fertility nurse. Seems super sweet, genuine, down to earth. She’ll be around for awhile, probably top 3.
MacKenzie, 21, Dental Assistant who has a son, Kale. She looks 12 and honestly, might as well be. 21? Homeboy is 33. I refuse to even acknowledge that she was chosen to be on the show.
Alyssa, 24, New Jersey Flight Attendant. Says love can be a lot like flying….blah. I’d like to direct her to Jake Pavelka’s season which crashed and burned spectacularly. Moving on.
**Kelsie, 28 Austin, TX. School counselor. Widow. Cute, seems like a good fit. I also think she will be around for quite awhile. Possible top 3.
Back to red carpet. Chris is now talking to Andi and Josh. Andi has frowny face, Josh is being…Josh. I wasn’t a super huge fan of Andi’s dress, but then read on Instagram that she made it herself with a $15 piece of fabric and..hot glue? So I guess if you’re into that, that’s neat. I prefer just buying clothes the old fashioned way.
Now Chris interviews Nikki. I’m not a fan (did you watch her on Couples Therapy?) but she honestly looks great. No one boos, which tells me that ABC obviously filled the red carpet with staffers and not real Bachelor fans. We then sit through several painfully awkward minutes of Chris Harrison reminding her that Juan Pablo never loved her.
We then see Chris Soules arriving in California on his motorcycle. He tries on clothes, does promotional photos, showers, walks around in a towel…all adorable. I’ll accept your rose, Chris. I’ll accept your rose.
Finally (FINALLY!) we see the limos full of women arrive at the mansion.
Women:
Britt (free hugs) is first one out. She grabs him and starts crying…it’s a long, emotional hug. It wasn’t as awkward as it should have been though, because she’s genuine and sweet.
Whitney the fertility nurse out next. She’s super outgoing and they seem to get along well.
Kelsey (counselor) next. Friendly.
Megan, 24, a make up artist from Nashville.
Ashley I, freelance journalist. Very beautiful, but looks like she might be a bit much for him.
Trina, 33, Special Ed teacher. Very sweet.
Reegan, 28, Donated Tissue Specialist. Carrying cooler with a fake heart in it. Ummmm….gross.
Tara 26, arrives in a flannel shirt, jean shorts and boots. After making a big TO DO over how much of guy’s girl she is and how much she doesn’t care what other women think, she goes in the bathroom and changes into a dress. She she goes BACK to the limo and comes out to meet Chris as a second time. I’m gonna call it — that’s against the rules.
Amber 29 Bartender. She has a teddy bear.
Nikki 26 Cheerleader. Yawn.
Amanda the crazy ballet teacher meets him with his eyes closed, saying she’s his secret admirer. It actually was kind of cute, but I still don’t like her.
Jillian the News Producer makes muscles with Chris.
Mackenzie the 21 year old Dental Assistant comes out looking like she’s up past her bedtime.
Kaitlyn, 29…dance instructor. She’s awkward and tells a dirty joke but is actually pretty entertaining.
Chris Harrison then tells Chris that he can go in the house and visit with the women, which is surprising because only 15 women are there. All the women are super excited when he walks in the house, thinking it might be a small group this year.
Britt and Chris hang out first and definitely connect. For a minute I thought they were going to kiss, which is crazy but also not, if you saw them together.
Chris Harrison brings out first impression rose and things get awkward. Everyone tries to ignore it as Chris spends time with the other women. He visits with Whitney (fertility nurse) and they seem to be comfortable together.
The other women begin to speculate as to whether or not more women will be arriving. It’s revealed that they have been there for 3 hours so far, which blows my mind. And also explains why people end up SO drunk. Cocktail parties aren’t supposed to last the equivalent of a work day for a reason, people.
Chris and the ballet instructor/secret admirer chat. She makes crazy eyes, he takes out a restraining order…not a match.
Chris Harrison then enters the room looking smug as he announces that more limos full of girls are waiting. The other girls panic because apparently, after 100 years of The Bachelor, they thought that they would be the first season of 15 girls ever. Despite their complete lack of Bachelor knowledge, they all suddenly become Bachelor veterans and friends with Chris the Farmer from waaaay back. Phrases like, “we’ve been here all this time,” and “we got to him first” and “I have a dagger strapped to my thigh under my cocktail dress” are thrown around. Honestly, I was hoping for a turf war to break out, but I’m never so lucky.
Several girls gather in the shadows, whispering snarkily as they spy on the new arrivals. Those poor new girls…ABC really set them up for failure.
We then meet a relatively unmemorable group whose names I might not completely remember. Also, it’s worth mentioning that I drink wine while I watch the Bachelor:
Samantha 27 Fashion designer.
Michelle 25 Wedding cake decorator.
Julia, 30, Esthetician.
Becca, 25, chiropractor assistant. Friendly, great connection.
Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant on a motorcycle.
Alyssa, Flight attendant.
Jordan, 24 student.
Nicole, 31, Real Estate agent wearing a pig nose.
Brittany , 26, WWE Diva in Training. Wearing a wrestling costume.
Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer, carrying karaoke machine. Bless her heart, wearing a prom dress.
Kimberly, 28 yoga instructor.
Kara, 25, high school soccer coach.
Jade, 28 Cosmetics Developer, Like her, sweet and pretty…good connection.
Chris the Bachelor then comes in to spend time with all the women. At this point it’s a madhouse — women are pulling him in every direction, several are incredibly drunk (that’s what happens when you drink whiskey for 7 hours…imagine that) and I wonder what all of their parents are thinking right now. Note to self: Lucy will never leave the house.
The first impression rose goes to Britt, which is not a surprise in the least. She’s adorable, and they definitely had the best connection of the evening. This go around, they do kiss, which is shockingly early even by Bachelor standards. But I’m not judging him because it honestly does feel natural…and here I am finding myself rooting for the two of them.
Back to the live show — Chris Harrison polls the audience to see how they feel about the kiss. Michelle Money responds that Britt doesn’t shower, which is just the weirdest thing to say. Michelle has since gone to social media to announce that it’s a joke referring to something that hasn’t aired yet, but that honestly didn’t help her case. You get 60 seconds on live national television, and you decide to tell an inside joke that sounds like an insult? Well, okay then.
Time for the Rose Ceremony. Thank goodness. I’m out of wine and I’m pretty sure it’s actually tomorrow at this point.
Roses go to:
Kaitlyn
Jaden
Samantha
Ashley I
Sandra
Nikki
Kelsey
Megan
Alyssa
Amber
Julia
Becca
Trina
Chris leaves room abruptly and has a sidebar with Chris Harrison…he’s concerned because he wanted to choose Tara, but she’s falling down drunk. Chris H offers some sage words of wisdom. And by sage words, I mean he kind of shrugs and says, “It’s up to you”. Do he and my husband take the same problem solving class?
Chris comes back and ends up choosing Tara, along with:
McKenzie (12 year old)
Tracy
Jordan
Jillian
Whitney
Carly
Ashley (drunk onion girl)
Sent Home:
Amanda ballet teacher crazy eyes
Kara, High School Soccer coach
Kimberly the Yoga Instructor… who leaves crying then returns and pulls Chris out of the room. The episode ends there, mucho drama.
We are then shown highlights of the season to come — as I expected, we see a lot of Britt, Whitney, and Kelsie. As I did NOT expect, we also see a lot of Kaitlyn. It looks like there is a SCANDAL this season. It has been edited to appear that Chris did the big NO NO with one of the women during a group date and then has to beg forgiveness from the other contestants. My guess is that this scandal played out so well on Juan Pablo’s season (remember Clare?) that they are editing it to look worse than it actually was. But that could be me just hoping that Chris is a better guy than that.
Either way, I’ll be watching!
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