A/N: An interesting Talk Show to watch
Beta: @cos-geek-monkey
Word count: 5,248
Read on AO3 Previous links
15
October had proven to be fruitful but exhausting. Clarke was attending her last class of the day delivering a full report that she spent a week writing. A huge achievement for the art student because she wrote it while her two best friends were fucking like rabbits and distracting her at all times. Raven and Anya developed a routine. Every day after work, Anya would drive them to Ark University. Raven and Octavia would spend time together, and Anya would disappear. Clarke always wondered what Anya did during that time. Was she seeing someone at the University? Why else would she spend several hours a day taking Raven to and from the dorm?. Thankfully Anya was the one in charge of dragging Raven away from the dorms to Clarke’s relief every single night.
Clarke packed her things after the class was dismissed and went to the campus coffee shop where her friends and Anya, the weird but not unwelcome addition to their tight knit group were waiting for her.
These past few months after she left Lexa had been hard, she just left the woman she loved with all her heart, but Clarke thought this was for the best. She had been so angry, so bitter that she was never going to heal properly if she were with Lexa in this emotional state. Instead, she walked away and began her process of coping and healing, trying to move on after all the truths were revealed.
After all this time she felt light, free of the rage that had consumed her. Clarke was at ease with who she was, of what she was becoming. Her grades were pretty good, and her art had become less somber and more colorful.
That didn’t mean that she was over Lexa. Oh no. She was missing her and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t permanently remove herself from Lexa’s orbit. Not when she kept buying the damn magazine, like the one she had hidden inside her backpack right now.
Every monthly issue of ‘Polis Mag’ had been bought and read even after leaving Lexa. She was still a fan. Now that Clarke knew the truth, she could really see the woman behind the words she was falling deeper and deeper for her. Because that was the Lexa that loved her, the Lexa that was open and vulnerable with her - not the fake facade of Alexandria Woods who snaps selfies with her fans and signs autographs. That was the entire exterior, but on the inside the writer who discussed about her lover ever month was the woman she fell in love with. And yet, she had asked Lexa to move on. Clarke knew that she couldn’t bring anything good to someone as good and noble as Lexa. It hurt, but she had to let her go.
Checking her watch she noticed she still had some time before meeting her friends. Clarke walked to the campus park and sat under a big tree. Making sure that no one was around she pulled out the magazine to read this month’s column.
“You better not be kissing anyone else.” Clarke warned as she flipped the pages until she found the famous column she wanted to read. Reading about Lexa’s ways to move on had left a bitter taste in her mouth, but she accepted it. Lexa could find someone better, more suitable to be the support that the now famous writer needed.
“I have been wondering about the concept of forever lately. When people swear to love each other until their last breaths and even after death is something that makes me curious. We learn about love and we give that love to someone - might be a family member or a special friend, even a significant other; but sometimes that love vanishes, it falls apart, the distance is too much to overcome; sometimes, too much resentment.
Is there someone out there that will make you love them with so much intensity that you don’t even know how to contain so many emotions, someone that makes you love them with every fiber of your body and think: I will love you forever?
I’ve been thinking because I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I always worry and I have no idea if this is what is happening to me. That I didn’t realize that you took my heart and I never got it back. That this love I have for you is forever, when I breathe my last breath it is you whom I want to see in my final hour. It is you whom I want holding me before I move on. And even after that, I know I won’t stop for a single second loving you the way I do.”
Clarke sniffed a bit and wiped quickly the tears that adorned her face. “What kind of bullshit is this, Lexa? You emo dweeb this is not what you’re supposed to be writing about.” Clarke shut the magazine and stashed it back in her backpack. She was going to finish reading it later because right now she was in anguish courtesy of that dumbass of Lexa.
Clarke was tempted to tweet Alexandria for old time’s sake and tell her to fuck off with her dramatic bullshit. Clarke even clicked her phone app but seeing her TL with happy fans with the idiot of her ex Clarke felt another kind of feeling.
“If only all those girls knew what a nerd you are,” Clarke smiled looking at the shy smile of the brunette. Her green eyes kind and the happy lucky fan hugging her like their life depended on it. “Why do they always have to aim for the boobs? Motherfucker.” Clarke mumbled as she put her phone in her pocket and made her way to the Camp Jaha, where her group of friends was waiting.
The place was located pretty close to her dorm, and it was a very comfortable welcoming place. The light filtering through the windows created a good ambiance. The soft cream paint on the walls reflected the sunlight, and the hardwood flooring complemented the homey style of the coffee shop. Soft music played in the background, and the chatter of the students animated the place.
Once Clarke pushed the door open, she met her friends sitting at a table in the back of the small shop.
Clarke smiled and greeted Octavia, Raven and Anya. “Hey guys, how’s everything?”
“Hey Clarkey, we were just talking about the weekend plans. There is a Halloween party with the rest of the soccer team.”
“We totally should go.” Raven smiled and linked her hand with Octavia.
“Oh god no. I’m not joining the powerpuff girls in your orgies.” Anya rolled her eyes. “Tell me the address, and I’ll drop you off.”
“Oh don’t be a party pooper Anya. This is the chance to ask Ms. Greene out.” Raven grinned looking at the slight blush in Anya’s cheeks.
“Yeah. So? Watcha say, Griff?” Octavia looked at Clarke expectantly.
“Um, sure. Sounds fun. I uh, I’ll go order.” Clarke dropped her backpack in her chair and walked to the counter. There she smiled at her friend and best barista around, Niylah.
“The usual?” Niylah offered a sweet smile to the shorter student.
“Yeah. How are you? How’s your dad?” Clarke leaned on the counter, her eyes following the slender blonde.
“I’m good, and my father is out. He wants to open his shop in DC so…” Niylah pressed the blender to mix the coffee. Once it was thoroughly mixed, she poured the coffee into a plastic cup. “Here you go, Clarke and your pastry.”
“Thanks Niylah.” Clarke was about to return to her table, but she stopped herself. “Um, what are you doing in Halloween?”
Niylah’s hazel eyes narrowed. “Hmm, I work that day, but I’ll be out by 9.”
“Great um, so ah, I was wondering if you would like to go out with me to a halloween party. Meet there?”
The wide smile Niylah offered was enough answer. “Sure, sounds fun.”
“It will be fun.” Clarke took her things and winked before making it back to her table.
“Really?” Clarke arched her brow and sat back in her place beside Anya. “You all come here just to chat on the phone?”
“What? No, not at all.” Raven quickly closed her chat screen to stop Clarke from snooping around and finding Lexa’s support group chat open.
“I was showing them a fun raccoon video Clarke. Look.” Octavia showed her screen to Clarke.
“No thanks. I invited Niylah to the Halloween party, is that okay?”
Anya choked with her beverage, and Raven hit her back. “Poor Anya, she always laughs with that dumb raccoon video.”
“If that is what you wanna do, go ahead Clarke.” Octavia simply stated. Not much emotion or excitement for her friend.
Tilting her head and looking at her friends, Clarke had to wonder what they were really talking about since they were acting strange. “Alright, it’s all set.”
The party was packed with all the girls from the soccer team and their guests. Loud music pumping through a sound system set in the living room of the dorm. The red cups with alcohol moving around the hands of the college students.
Raven, Octavia, Clarke and yes, Anya too went inside the house. Anya simply crossed her arms looking at the younger ones having fun and the more experienced students doing dumb stuff.
Raven and Octavia had decided to wear matching costumes. The two dressed as pirates’ while Clarke was dressed as a vampire hunter. Anya was simply Anya.
“Can’t believe I let you drag me here.” Anya commented over the loud music.
“I told you, Anya. Being here is better than being home alone pining for Ms. Greene.” Raven quickly grabbed a couple of red cups from the nearby tray and offered one to Octavia. She pulled out a water bottle from a cooler below and handed it to Anya. “Let’s have fun tonight.”
Anya sighed in defeat and took a sip of the cold liquid. “That is bullshit. You want me here to babysit Clarke and be your DD as well.”
Octavia joined her girlfriend and new friend. “Yes that too. We can’t be close or else Clarke will get annoyed at us, but you kind of hate Clarke so that works. Don’t let her bang Niylah.”
“Lexa would kill me if she knew I’m here to tacoblock that brat.”
“She would be thankful. Do it for her Anya.” Raven winked before leaving Anya to trail after Clarke.
Clarke scanned the room and noticed Monroe and Echo. They said their hellos, and Clarke moved on exploring the place until she found Niylah.
“Hello nurse.” Clarke eyed the nurse outfit that looked really nice on Niylah.
“Hey you. Need me to check any wound?” Niylah checked Clarke’s tight ripped jeans and her bloody shirt with her weapon belt tied around her waist.
“Yeah, just the one in my heart.” It wasn’t meant to sound sad, but it did. “Can you fix it?” Clarke tried to cheer herself up. She knew she had to push herself to move on. To let go of the brunette in her mind.
Niylah walked and circled Clarke’s hips. “I can try.”
Clarke smiled and pulled Niylah to the dance floor. The two danced to the loud music moving with frenzy and engaging in small conversation when the music allowed.
Clarke was really happy at that moment. The burden that weighed her down for so long was barely there. She was being the Clarke that was bold, fun and wild.
The two women danced close, feeling the heat between their bodies. Clarke stared into the hazel eyes looking back at her with so much care and hope; Clarke wanted to feel that again inside in heart. Yes, she was not drowning in anger anymore, but she still felt empty inside. She cupped the nape of Niylah’s neck and pulled her closer to kiss her lips.
Niylah was hesitant at first. But with a little encouragement from Clarke, the two kissed deeper, savoring the taste of alcohol on each other’s lips.
It wasn’t long until the two looked for a more private spot in the dorm. Clarke and Niylah made their way to the backyard, and they kissed giggling and sharing fun stories. It felt good to have someone to share these things. Someone who could hold you and kiss you, the warmth of another body up close.
“This is really nice.” Niylah commented, her bright smile making Clarke reply with a smile of her own.
“Yeah, it is.” Clarke leaned in and pecked Niylah’s lips, “You feel soft, and you’re great company.”
Niylah laughed shaking her head. “Thanks. I guess this is when I ask you on another date.”
Clarke chuckled and leaned on Niylah’s shoulder. “I’d love to.”
The two held each other, and Clarke was feeling suddenly cold. She cupped Niylah’s cheek and kissed her with more intensity. Things started to heat up, just like Clarke wanted because she was cold. She needed some kind of warmth right now.
“Okay, time’s up.” Anya quickly pulled Clarke’s shirt to remove the blonde who was practically straddling Niylah.
“Ow!? What the hell Anya?” Clarke complained, trying to get out of the grasp of the not-so-happy woman without success. Actually Clarke was having issues standing upright.
“You drank too much. Let’s go.” Anya didn’t care about Niylah glaring at her and pulled Clarke away back inside the building, pushing her until they were in the front of the dorms.
“What is wrong with you? I’m not drunk!”
“Yeah, says the girl who couldn’t even hold herself up. You’re not going to fuck anyone under the influence tonight.”
“Oh thanks for protecting my virtue Anya.” Clarke mocked crossing her arms. She had to sit in the grass because she at least had to admit she was tipsy.
“I really don’t care about your virtue, Clarke. I really don’t give a shit about you, but your friends care. I’m just doing them a favor.”
“As expected. We don’t have to like each other anyway. You’re grumpy as fuck. Maybe you should take care of your own business and not meddle in mine.” Clarke brought her knees up to her chest and rested her hands there. She leaned her head in her arms and shut her eyes trying to ease the killer headache that appeared out of nowhere a minute ago.
“I’d like to, but I can’t do that. You being safe is my priority.” Anya sat beside the girl in the grass. “Someone I care about very much would be sad if something happened to you.”
There was no need to ask whom that someone was. Clarke knew. She sighed and kept quiet waiting for her friends to meet them outside to go back home.
Half month of dating Niylah proved to Clarke what she already suspected. She could fall in love again, be content and find some happiness, but she was never going to love anyone else the way she loved Lexa Woods. The kind of love that they shared was unique, special and irreplaceable.
Niylah was a really wonderful woman, but Clarke couldn’t keep fooling herself, much less Niylah. Love was never going to be part of their relationship. Trying was not good enough.
Clarke stopped dating the barista and agreed to keep things between them as friendly as possible.
December white tones washed away the red and orange, and the cold in her bedroom made Clarke wrap herself tighter in her blanket.
Clarke decided to stay with her mom as usual during the holiday break. Spending time together had helped them strengthen their filial relationship to the point that it was almost like it used to be before they both lost the man of their life.
Clarke turned the TV out of boredom and started to surf channels until she found a morning talk show that was pretty entertaining. ‘Live with Becca’ was a really popular talk show because it offered entertainment news along with lots of fun sketches.
After some interactions with the audience that made Clarke cackled in laughter, Becca, the host, announced their next special guest. Clarke was munching chips splayed in her bed observing the woman in red wondering what actor they were going to interview today.
“And for the first time ever on TV let’s welcome Alexandria Woods.” Becca announced to thunderous applause and cheers from the audience, welcoming the brunette into the studio.
Clarke had to gulp down the chips to avoid choking. Clarke had no idea that Lexa was going to be on TV. She had disconnected as much as she could from the woman’s book tour.
Her eyes were wide watching the brunette walk to the couch to be interviewed by the dark-haired woman, to the sound of deafening applause and screams from some enthusiastic fans.
Lexa was beyond beautiful. She was wearing a simple ensemble - a white button up shirt and black pants. Her black sandals gave her a sophisticated look. And her gorgeous hair tied up in a nice bun revealed a bit of her back tattoo.
The interview began with the usual questions about the magazine and the idea for the column. Followed up by the success of her novel, which Clarke had avoided at all costs to read.
Lexa was as eloquent as ever, her answers graceful, smart and thoughtful.
“Between the Sheets is engaging, and the fans are raving about the story. A story where young girls can finally identify with the heroine. A girl who is in love with another girl.” The host commented.
Lexa nodded. “Yes, I’m very happy to hear that they have found in this character someone to look up to. A character that is not just a sexuality but a multi-faceted character in the story.”
“But the ending left your fans pretty sad. It was heartbreaking.”
Lexa chuckled. “Yes, it was a difficult thing to do. I believe that their love will surpass any obstacles if they really sit down and speak truthfully; that’s the reason why they needed to split in order to heal again. Of course, I’m not done with this story. I’ll begin writing the sequel next year.”
The fans went nuts with the announcement that Lexa was going to continue the story, and Clarke couldn’t be happier for her ex. Lexa deserved this level of success and all of the attention she was receiving.
“You heard it right here. Alexandria is writing the sequel to her bestseller. Now, these fans adore you. They are loyal, and I bet they would like to know more about the woman behind the sweet loving words.”
“I appreciate all of my fans, Becca.” Lexa smiled shyly, and Clarke wanted to die right there from the cuteness. Lexa was flushing the slightest, the pink shade spreading up to her tiny ears.
“The big question that everyone is desperate to know. Is this person whom you write about in your column every month real?”
Lexa looked at the camera, then back to the show host who looked at her intently. “As real as you are, Becca.”
“But you’re single, right?”
“Very single.”
The fans screamed in excitement. Clarke rolled her eyes and huffed.
“Can you tell us about this person who inspired such an extraordinary story?” Becca prodded for an answer.
Lexa remained thoughtful before giving her response, a bit hesitant but then she did. “She’s a wonderful person. A young woman who’s kind, loyal to her friends, and I respect her a lot. She’s special.”
The crowd sighed wistfully with aaaw and so cute comments.
“Special for sure, Alexandria. You portray your articles with such love for this woman that it melts the hearts of all your readers.” Becca joked. “Any chance for your readers to win your heart?”
Lexa smiled. “No, not yet at least. But I do appreciate their support.”
The crowd went insane. Becca laughed. “You heard it here. You’re still in contention to win Alexandria’s heart.”
“The hell they are!” Clarke pouted munching more chips aggressively.
“The words you speak are made of love, and many of your fans have fallen in love with you through every monthly edition. Why do you think that has happened?”
“Because I’m honest. I’m not lying when I say that I miss her, that I will always care for her. But I also wanted to share this love with the world, and so I never assigned a gender to the object of my affection, making it universal. Whether you are into men, women or both, you can feel that bond between us. Because love is love.” Lexa answered, and she was really baring herself to the audience.
Clarke was astonished to see this openness from Lexa. She could clearly see how much progress Lexa made in this time that they have been away from each other. Clarke was happy to see that the weight dragging the writer down was lifted from her too.
“Love is universal, and in your book that love goes and defies the odds through time, again and again.” Becca added.
Lexa affirmed with a slight dip of her chin. “Yes, in the sequel I want to explore that. How the characters even after some time meet again, and how they deal with what they shared. They are the only ones that know what happened between the sheets.”
“Okay, that sounds really exciting, and we can’t wait to read your next book. Now, let’s read some questions that some fans tweeted.” Becca began to read the questions. Some were about the book, others about the likes and dislikes of Alexandria. Lexa answered as best as she could, offering bits and pieces of Alexandria to the world. But Clarke knew her so well; she didn’t need to hear this because she knew Lexa inside and out.
“This question by @Alexandriafanclub says ‘Are you looking for love right now?’”
Lexa smiled. “Absolutely. As long as I meet the right woman who understands me, and I can love back, then yes. Still looking.”
The fans were beyond excited, and Clarke clenched her jaw. She didn’t like that answer at all.
“You’re not dating one of those crazy bitches, Lexa.” Clarke spat.
“And we have @BTSthirstyfans asking ‘Could you show us your tattoo?’”
“What the fuck is wrong with these people?” Clarke was beyond angry.
The girls in the crowd were out of their minds in desire, and Clarke wanted to murder them all as Lexa lifted her sleeve and showed them her arm tattoo.
“Okay, let’s go with one more…” Becca scrolled through her feed. “This one is juicy, @wrenchmonkey says ‘Ask Alexandria about Princess69. The sexual tension was real.’ User Princess69 huh?”
Lexa paled as she heard the question, she looked at the camera, and you could see the sudden tension as she stiffened her back.
“What the fuck?” Clarke was gaping at the TV screen.
“Princess69 was someone who needed a friend. That’s over now. No one to worry about.”
And Clarke’s heart shattered into pieces. Lexa seemed sad but also determined to close off.
After that Clarke didn’t hear anything else, the host thanked Lexa, and they cut to the commercial break.
“So I’m no one now, huh?” Clarke slumped in the bed, looking at the ceiling trying to calm down a bit. Clarke laughed bitterly. “This is what you wanted, don’t complain. You asked for this.”
Christmas Eve had been fun and joyful with her mom, Octavia and Raven. A moment to bask in the happiness with your family and friends. Clarke was happy. As happy as she could be without the woman who owned her heart. Her friends could fill some spaces but not everything; Abby could patch her up but still it wasn’t going to be enough to fill the gap that loving Lexa left inside.
They had a wonderful dinner and spent some time talking about their ideas for the upcoming year. She had been a 20 year old young art student since September who still needed to figure things out. This was creating too much anxiety for the blonde. Finding her purpose in life when so far nothing was going as she had hoped. The world expected her to be an adult, but Clarke struggled with daily things. It was a mission impossible for her. Even her friends seemed to have a better sense of direction.
“Cheer up, Clarkey. Next year will be better.” Raven hugged her goodbye.
“I hope so, Ray. Merry Christmas you two.” Clarke wished to her two best friends.
“Merry Christmas, Clarke.” Octavia hugged Clarke too before stepping away and heading to the front door with her girlfriend, who were going to conclude their Christmas celebration with Anya.
Clarke let out a long sigh observing her two friends get in a cab to head to Lexa’s place. Anya was spending this holiday alone since Lexa was still working in Los Angeles promoting her book. Her two friends had become close with their former World History teacher, and they had a good relationship. Too bad Clarke wasn’t on the same page because Anya hated her after all the crap she pulled on Lexa. Clearly she wasn’t going to be welcomed there and right now, Clarke wasn’t in the mood to create a tense atmosphere and ruin the holiday for them.
Instead, Clarke went straight to bed, earlier than usual, and dreamt of green, green, green.
The next day, before her mom woke up Clarke hopped in her car and drove to the cemetery to visit her father. It has been several months since she came to visit his grave. It was never easy to do it, but Clarke was more than ready. She could manage this pain.
The blonde parked her car and made her way to the tombstone that read ‘Jake Griffin: Beloved father and husband.’
Clarke reached the cold stone and sat in front of the grave. With her fingertips she traced the fonts of the name engraved in gold.
“Hey dad. It’s been some time. Um, sorry I didn’t visit you sooner.” Clarke sighed and pulled out ‘Polis Magazine’ from her backpack. “You never knew that I loved Lexa, dad. You assumed she was just a worried teacher, but she was more to me than that. I fell in love with her slowly but surely.”
Clarke zipped her jacket and adjusted her beanie on top of her heard. “I wonder all the time what would happen if you knew about Lexa and I. Maybe you would have supported me. I really think you would have loved Lexa, dad.”
Clarke swiped the pages and sat to read a passage of the column to her father. “You see? She writes beautifully and,” Clarke remained pensive for a second. “I miss her dad, as much as I miss you. What do I do? Tell me. What should I do about Lexa? Send me a sign, anything. Please.”
Clarke kept silent; she chuckled because it was dumb to wait for an answer.
“I love you dad. Merry Christmas.”
She stood up wiping the dirt from her clothes and returned to her car to head home.
Once she arrived at her place she hung her coat in the perch as she entered and walked to the kitchen. She cooked a small breakfast for her and her mother who was about to wake up soon. She poured hot coffee in a cup and along with two plates full with bacon and scrambled eggs on the table she sat to wait.
A minute later Abby came downstairs and greeted her daughter with a heartfelt hug and kiss. “Merry Christmas, Clarke.”
“Merry Christmas, mom.”
“This looks delicious honey, thanks.” Abby smiled kindly and patted her hand with love.
“Enjoy.”
Mother and daughter ate while having light conversation. They discussed about work and classes trying to keep a fun and happy tone, but also both remembering Jake and how they both missed him.
“Now the present exchange.” Abby walked to the Christmas tree and grabbed a small gift.
Clarke did the same and offered her wrapped box to her mother. “This is for you, mom. Hope you like it.”
Abby thanked Clarke and opened her gift. “Oh baby this is really nice.”
The doctor pulled out from the box a comfy sweater, with soft brown tones that matched the color of her eyes. Abby hugged her daughter and kissed her cheek. “This is really nice and soft, baby. Thanks.” Abby offered her gift to Clarke. “I hope you like this.”
Clarke giggled and quickly ripped the red and green paper wrap to find a book. Her smile disappeared, and she looked back at her mother in utter confusion.
“What the?” Clarke returned her sight to the book in her hands. In bold letters was written Between the Sheets. “Why?”
“I think you should read it.” Abby said, resting her hand over Clarke’s shoulder. “You know? It has taken me some time to see how you’ve changed. You’ve grown up too fast baby, and even though you’ll always be my little girl, I know I have to let you choose your own path.”
The blue eyes rested back on the older features of the woman who loved her with all her might. “Lexa wrote this book, mom.”
“I know, Clarke.” Abby smiled and cupped Clarke’s face to look at her intently. “I realized that the time you were the happiest was when you two were together. I made a horrible mistake too; I judged Lexa harshly. I didn’t give her a chance, and I lost my daughter to the anger and sadness of a heartbreak.” Abby planted a kiss on the top of her head. “I know that time has passed, that maybe Lexa is now in a better place. My only hope is that you heal too, and this book is what you need.”
Clarke frowned looking at her mom with apprehension. Abby just laughed it off shaking her head. “I read it, honey and you need to read it.”
After opening the gifts from Octavia and Raven and texting their friends wishing them happy holidays, Clarke returned to her bedroom. She shut the door and sat on the bed with the book in her hands.
Leaning against the headboard Clarke extended her legs and rested the book on her lap. Observing the cover and the name of the author Alexandria Woods.
The last two Christmases Lexa gave Clarke books. This Christmas was the first one that she didn’t send her anything. Not that Clarke was expecting it after going separate ways last June. But having this book precisely in her hands was pretty strange, it was almost creepy.
“A sign.” Clarke stared at the picture frame with her dad smiling at the camera. “Is this your way of telling me to get her back, dad?”
Fixing her gaze back on the cover, Clarke passed the first several pages until she found a line that caught her eye. A simple phrase before getting into the contents of the book.
“If you ever read this I hope that maybe someday, you’ll let me love you in the light.”
“Maybe someday…” Clarke traced the letters in the book, her heart beating stronger than ever. Hopeful because this is what life was granting her, an opportunity to love again, “…we won’t have to hide between the sheets.”