A/N: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy.
Beta: @cos-geek-monkey
Word count: 5843
Read on AO3 Previous chapters
14
Her body felt so numb as if ice suddenly was running through her veins, and her body didn’t feel warmth anymore. It was like she was alive and yet, a piece inside of her was dead.
Lexa took a deep breath staring into nature through the floor-to-ceiling window of her home office. A magnificent view that would be considered romantic at certain times of day and magical when the sky was clear and full of stars. Today, it was black and white. It was dull and lacked its usual brightness; there was no light anymore. For her light had been turned off, blown away by the cold wind of unrequited love. Her clothing reflected her mood - her oldest pair of black jeans and a tattered, old, black t-shirt.
Clarke didn’t love her anymore, and that broke her completely.
Lexa looked down at her hands resting in her lap. Hands that were responsible for typing words to help heal the souls and hearts of many of her readers, but they couldn’t heal her.
Lexa stared at the computer screen, the cursor blinking waiting for her to start doing something, anything. But words wouldn’t come to her.
Lexa minimized the window and logged into the magazine blog to answer some questions from her fans and readers.
Reading through their inquiries, she answered as best as she could, but her responses were lacking their usual spark. Her deep concern was absent. She huffed in frustration and leaned back on her chair.
“Lexa? Lunch is here.” Anya announced peeking through the door of the office.
“Thank you,” was the simple answer Lexa provided, but she didn’t move. She was stuck to the chair and Anya, her best friend and roommate knew Lexa was not going anywhere.
“Talk to me Lex. You can’t keep holding the pain inside. I know things went wrong with Clarke. Octavia told Raven as much. You can’t keep your emotions bottled up and expect to be fine. No one expects you to be fine. It’s okay to let it out Lex. No one will judge you for that.” Anya moved inside the office cautiously, respectful of the privacy Lexa was seeking. Anya approached Lexa with concern, her steps slow.
It has been several days since Lexa returned from her meeting Clarke on their mountain, and she has been acting robotic ever since. Lexa’s defense mechanism was to close off, pushing her emotions down deep and act cold. Anya knew that sometimes it was good to be in touch with your emotional side and grieve, cry, or whatever allowed you to process your situation. Lexa, however, made everything more difficult because of her coping mechanism.
Hazel eyes scanned the hermetic expression of the young writer. She was hoping to find a way in and make Lexa open up when the third member of the Woods residence came through the office door.
“I’m trying to be polite and wait for you two before I start eating the pizza, but Jesus, you’re taking forever!”
Anya wanted to murder Raven, but this girl was usually like this, too noisy and with a big attitude. No wonder she despised her former student during her World History classes.
Raven smirked at Anya when she noticed the murderous glare in her direction. “Look Commander Hot Stuff, I think something warm will make you feel better. Or we can skip the pizza and head straight to the ice cream. You’ve been in this office for too long, and Anya is being a whiny ass.”
Anya perked her brow and crossed her arms. She really was going to murder the mechanic one of these days.
Lexa lifted her gaze to meet Raven. “Ice cream?” Of course that would make her react. Clarke told her. No. Princess69 suggested that Alexandria offer ice cream to make peace with Anya. Apparently ice cream was the solution for world peace if things kept like this. However, it couldn’t treat heartbreak.
“Come on! I’m starving, and if I die it’s gonna be your fault.”
At least Lexa followed Raven, and Anya sighed in relief.
The three friends ate in silence at the kitchen island. Lexa kept quiet when usually they had interesting conversations.
The ominous silence irritated Raven, and she needed to get Lexa’s head out of her ass before it was too late.
“Clarke left you. Why?”
Anya choked with a portion of her pizza slice. Raven was blunt as usual and her lack of tact was unnerving. Anya started contemplating how she was going to kill Raven and get away with it.
Lexa stopped chewing and clenched her jaw for an instant before resuming eating her lunch; her green eyes looked at the brown of Raven daring her to continue.
Of course Raven kept pushing. “O told me some stuff. Clarke was pretty vague with her, but I know that whatever she said was utter bullshit. I’ve known Clarke since we were in elementary, and that idiot will make sure everyone is fine but her. I bet my ass she sabotaged herself.”
“She wants me to be happy. To move on.” Lexa confessed, her tone small, like a whisper, as if trying to make the words coming from her mouth a lie.
Anya perked her brow, maybe she wasn’t going to murder Raven. After all she made Lexa talk, but Anya was supposed to be the best friend here.
“Of course.” Raven propped her elbow on the table and leaned her head in her palm. “Fucking Clarke! I‘m going to punch her, of course she’d do that. She loves you Lexa.”
“She doesn’t love me, Raven!” Lexa blurted the words as if they were poison, venomous words that killed her that day. “Clarke doesn’t feel the same for me. Not anymore, and I’m the one at fault here. I didn’t trust her and lost her. End of story.”
Raven frowned trying to come up with something to say. But really what could she say when her best friend wanted nothing to do with Lexa anymore. She knew Clarke was lying. “Lexa. I know you’re hurting, but I assure you that Clarke loves you.”
The brunette left out a long breath and took a sip of her water bottle. She was tempted to believe Raven’s words because she wanted nothing more than for Clarke to love her. But she couldn’t do that to herself. Not when Clarke had been clear regarding her intentions. Not even a friendship could withstand their torn relationship. It was better to stop hoping once and for all.
Raven’s cell phone bleeped, and the mechanic took a look at the screen. “It’s Clarke, she wants to talk with me. We haven’t talked since your book launch party.” Raven pondered for a second before sending a reply. “I think this is a good time for me to fix my misunderstanding with Clarke.”
“Yes, that’s good Raven. You’re a good friend, and she needs you.” Lexa couldn’t be close to Clarke, but at least Raven could and that was enough for Lexa. Knowing that Clarke was going to have her friends to support her on her path to heal and be happy again.
They resumed eating their lunch. Anya had a silly conversation with Raven while Lexa simply nodded as if she were listening but really not paying much attention.
When they were done, Raven quickly cleaned the table and before she left to meet Clarke, she really needed to say what she was keeping inside. “Listen Lexa, that dumbass has been thirsting for you since she met you back in school. I witnessed the way she basically stripped you naked with her mind every day during class.”
“Ew Raven for fuck’s sake that is not the kind of imagery I need right now.” Anya groaned moving to the kitchen sink to wash the dishes.
“You get the point. Like, how can you erase that strong connection? Whatever this is, it has nothing to do with lack of love Lexa.”
“It’s okay Raven. I respect Clarke’s decision. I’ll move on just like she wants.” After a pause she added, “I’m leaving.”
Raven blinked several times trying to assimilate this new information. Anya dropped the dishes in surprise. Miraculously, none of them broke. Anya turned to face Lexa. “What? Going where?”
The writer walked to the nearest couch and sat down looking at the taller woman. “My publishers want to do a nationwide tour for the rest of the year to promote the novel. Since it’s doing so well they think this will help to boost the sales even more so we can announce the sequel.”
“Holy shit, that’s 6 months! At least I hope you’re done before Christmas, Lexa. And you got another book deal?” Anya perked her brow, excitement on her face. Lexa had worked hard to make this dream come true, and now people were hoping for more.
“Yes, I got an offer to write another book. Already spoke with Ontari and I’m set to write it during the next year.”
“But what about Polis?” Raven asked. “The magazine is a freaking success too.”
“I have a meeting with Mr. Wallace to arrange that as well. Writing is what I love the most and I really want to focus on this opportunity to grow as a professional.”
(Actually Clarke is what Lexa loves the most but she wasn’t going to mention that.)
“Congrats Commander Hot Stuff, you really kicked ass in sales. Best fucking seller and still number 1 in romance fiction.” The mechanic put on her red jacket and headed to the front door. “I have to go now, but I’m shocked and excited. I’ll bring beers tonight to celebrate with you two losers.” Raven waved goodbye and left the penthouse.
Lexa went back to her bedroom now that she revealed what she planned to do. She shut the door softly and sat in her big cold bed.
In the loneliness and darkness of the room the tears that she was fighting to keep controlled didn’t give a shit and started to stream down her face. She sobbed holding a pillow against her body and finally let it all out after holding in the indescribable pain of the past few days.
How was Lexa going to do all of this and keep her word to be happy? She had no idea. Clarke was her happiness, and she lost her because she had been an idiot. Lying had been her mistake, and now she was paying the price. She should have trusted in Clarke. Lexa didn’t regret her decision of stepping away the first time, but she could have told Clarke the reason for doing so.
It doesn’t matter though; it was too late.
She could never hate Clarke, not when her heart was full of forgiveness and love for the art student. Clarke was in good hands and she had to let go. Her writing was the only thing she had left. This was her only chance of surviving in a world without Clarke.
Anya heard Lexa crying her heart out and rapped on the door softly before going inside the bedroom.
Seeing Lexa this devastated reminded Anya of when they were younger, barely teens in school when Lexa was rejected and mocked by the cheerleader squad. Lexa was a pure soul and had the biggest heart in the whole world. And seeing her suffering like that tore her into pieces. That experience is the reason why she swore to protect her little sister of the heart. Together they went through a lot of shit during high school but being together made Anya feel invincible. They were family, and they had each other’s backs.
Anya sat on the bed and slowly embraced the crying woman. “It’s going to pass Lex. I promise the pain will fade.”
“Did the pain fade when Costia rejected you?” Lexa lifted her gaze to meet Anya’s. “Costia doesn’t love you back. Have you stopped hurting?”
Anya traced comforting circles on Lexa’s back. Lexa’s words stung Anya, but she understood where these words were coming from. “No. It still hurts Lexa. No one said this was easy. But I hope that maybe one day I can finally look at Costia without feeling that my heart is ripped into pieces. There’s nothing else for us to do other than to wait. Time will help us heal.”
“I don’t want to feel this anymore!” The sobs tore through Anya’s heart. She had never seen Lexa diminished to this person concerned with despair. Lexa, who was strong-willed, who endured every trial with bravery, a girl who stopped relying on her feelings and became of stone, a girl who never gave up. That was the Lexa she befriended back in the day.
This Lexa, however, was a woman with a broken heart, and it was the most human she had ever seen her. Clarke Griffin made this possible. A Lexa that opened herself up to the art student and for the first time allowed herself to be exposed and vulnerable. Anya was surprised to see the extent of Lexa’s feelings for the first time in their years of friendship. And she knew that there was not going to be anyone else for her best friend. Lexa could love again, yes. But not with the same passion that Lexa loved Clarke Griffin.
“I know Lexa. Trust me, I want this to stop too. Guess our hearts are too stubborn to let go.”
Lexa smiled defeated and made her way to her restroom to wash her face and take a shower before she sat again to work.
The blonde best friend took this as the cue to leave her alone.
The end of summer had been full of work for the writer. The column of the magazine was as popular as ever, and the blog had been visited by millions of people every week. Lexa managed to keep herself grounded when there were so many people interested in the life of Alexandria Woods, the famed author of the bestseller Between the Sheets. Her fan base had grown exponentially and during her current tour Lexa met all kinds of fans, from the sweet shy ones to pretty crazy ones. It was a surreal experience that kept her engaged in her job. Lexa was really happy talking about how she had touched someone’s life, how a simple article written by her had helped someone who felt alone, or maybe eased the pain of a girl who was going through a difficult time.
This was what she loved the most about her job, the people. Helping people meant the world to the brunette.
Lexa was stuck in her hotel in New York during a chilly August evening writing her column in the privacy of her room for the magazine’s next edition. She sipped from her tea and kept typing on her laptop the words in her mind to complete the article before heading down with Ontari for dinner to discuss her next book.
“Looking through so many faces has made me realize that the world is full of beauty, smiles and so much love. I’m so grateful for sharing with you my book and spending time with my amazing readers during this tour.
I know that it’s been sometime since I have touched on such a personal topic again, but whenever I write I do it with my heart. And my heart speaks to you and only you.
Yes, I know that you don’t want me the way I want you. I don’t even know if you are still reading these words. Whether you do or not, I hope that you’re smiling. I miss your smile. Seeing so many smiles from my fans made me see what I have lost.
I’m trying to fulfill my promise to you. I’m having fun meeting all my readers, and I feel blessed. Every word is in total honesty. This is how I truly feel, and let me tell you, I am happy or at least as happy as I can be without you. I do hope that you are too. Forever yours, until next time we see each other between the sheets.”
Lexa saved the file and sent it to Ryder so he could work on the final touches for the printed edition.
She checked her watch and realizing it was almost time to meet her editor Lexa went to the restroom to tuck her white blouse inside her jeans. She quickly combed her hair and fixed her makeup.
Lexa made her way to the restaurant on the bottom floor. On her way she met a couple of fans and graciously smiled for some selfies and signed autographs. That probably were going to make her mentions explode again on Twitter and Instagram. Ontari waited in the corner with a sweet smile crinkling the corner of her eyes.
“Look at you all rich and famous.” The shorter woman kissed Lexa on the cheek before taking her hand and guiding her to their table.
“It’s the least I can do. They’ve been very supportive and even recite to me passages from the book. If that’s not incredible I don’t know what is.” Lexa pulled out a chair for Ontari, and then she sat across from her. The waiter promptly offered a menu, and Lexa skimmed the list of the available food. After ordering some wine and their respective dinners, the two friends began their discussion of Lexa’s next project.
“I really want to make that happen Ontari. These characters have lost hope, and they are finding themselves in this book.” Lexa took a small sip of her wine and continued. “The pain left has subsided, and both are more confident and have mutual respect for each other.”
Ontari smiled. Those red lips curving offering a sweet sexy smile that never failed to amuse Lexa. “Lexa, I believe that you say that now. But once you start writing the first draft I assure you the drama will be your priority.”
Shaking her head Lexa laughed casually. “Thanks for giving me a reality check.”
Smoothly Ontari rested her hand on top of Lexa’s, giving it a light comfortable squeeze. Her brown eyes resting on the green of the writer. “Lexa, you’re living in constant angst. I know you want to give a quick solution, but trust me on this one. Your readers will be delighted with a challenging reunion.”
Lexa frowned, she took another swig of her wine, letting the alcohol wash away her doubt and inner desires. “You’re right. A challenge makes it more fun.”
“Your next stop is Chicago, and the tickets for the meet and greet are sold out. Also, your last stop is in Los Angeles by mid-December. Titus called me and arranged an exclusive live interview for you on a morning talk show - your TV debut.”
“Oh, that’s incredible. Thanks for recommending Titus to help me with all the management. He’s pretty serious about it but also very keen.” Lexa finished her wine and paid the bill.
“I only recommend the best, Lexa.” A flirty wink was thrown in Lexa’s direction.
The two women held hands during their ride in the elevator up to their rooms. Walking like this felt good, it was familiar and made Lexa feel warm. Lexa escorted Ontari back to her bedroom as the gentlewoman she was. The green-eyed woman tucked her hands in her pockets as Ontari slid her card key inside the lock until it clicked to allow her to enter.
“Rest well Ontari.” Lexa wished.
Ontari turned around to face Lexa and cupped her face. She took two steps forward and kissed her softly on the lips. She pulled apart with a sweet smile, still holding Lexa’s face who was shocked by the gesture.
“Why don’t you stay with me?” Ontari began kissing Lexa’s jawline. “Sleep with me, Lexa.” Another kiss on the corner of her mouth.
Lexa closed her eyes, and God how she missed this contact - to be cared for, to be wanted, to be touched. Lexa quickly closed the gap between them and kissed Ontari with desperation. Her hands snaked around the slender waist of her editor and pulled her closer, pressing their bodies together in the middle of the hall.
Ontari moved them inside her bedroom and closed the door as they kissed frantically. Lexa pressed her fingers into the lower back of the woman in her hands and when Ontari bit her neck, Lexa’s nails left crescent moon marks over hips.
In an awkward entanglement of limbs they clumsily reached the bed. Hitting the edge of the bed first, Ontari fell on her back. Lexa quickly crawled on top capturing those sinful red lips. Lexa was throbbing between her legs already. It has been some time since she took care of herself. Working as hard as she has been doing between the book tour and fan meets left no time for physical pleasure, except that now she had the chance. No strings attached sex. No cuddling or holding, zero calls after, except that they were working together.
Lexa felt a hand slide inside the waistband of her jeans, and she snapped her eyes open, meeting dark eyes devouring her with a promise of sin and pleasure.
(No, not blue.)
Lexa tried to shake those thoughts, those feelings that were burning inside of her. Remembering Clarke entangled in the sheets with her. Kissing her slowly and lovingly, worshipping her body and being careful of leaving marks of her desire on the white milky skin. She dug her head into the collarbones of the brunette underneath and bit her tenderly making her gasp.
(No, it wasn’t her gasps.)
Lexa pulled away with regret sitting some distance from her editor. She caught Ontari’s hand and respectfully placed it away from her. “I can’t. You’re my editor!”
Ontari sat on the bed with a disappointed expression, leaning on the headboard of the bed. “Geez Lexa, why do you have to be like this? You can have sex with me, and I swear our relationship wouldn’t change.”
Lexa stood up from the bed ashamed and extremely embarrassed. She was so worked up that she was going to need release as soon as possible. “I uh, this is not okay. I told you I want to keep this professional between us. Nothing personal.”
Ontari chuckled shaking her head in disbelief. “Lexa, that is bullshit! You’re so wrapped around your blonde’s finger that you can’t even think of being with another because all you want is her.”
Okay, that hurt and Lexa couldn’t refute that. Ontari was right about that. Lexa simply couldn’t let herself fuck another when her thoughts were about blue eyes and soft pale skin.
“I’m sorry Ontari. Maybe one day I can allow myself this distraction but not right now.”
(Not when Lexa still hoped that Clarke could love her back.)
“She might never love you again, Lexa. Why not have some fun? It’s not like you would be cheating or anything.”
“I know, but I’d be lying to myself. I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to open up and give myself to someone else.”
“Okay, but you know if that day arrives you can always count on me. One of my life goals is to fuck you really good Lex. Don’t ruin my dreams.”
“I’ll try.”
Lexa hurried back to her hotel room and finished herself off in 5 seconds solely by thinking about her angel fallen from the sky. Then she went to sleep.
The tour had been hectic. Flying from city to city without much rest and sleep was intense, keeping the magazine column up to date was demanding, and time was passing by so fast that she couldn’t believe they were already near the end of October.
The library in Boston where Lexa was doing her fan meetup today had a line that stretched around the block. It took her several hours to reach the last person in line because she wanted to meet everyone who took the time to withstand the cold day just to meet Alexandria.
With fall in all its glory, the view at least was gorgeous with the orange and red leaves. After they were done Lexa made a walk to a nearby park and decided this was a good time to write before going back to her hotel room. The tour was draining her, and the minutes she had for herself were few and precious. She pulled out her laptop out of her backpack and sat on a bench to write with tea in hand to keep warm.
“Is it really true that people can forget someone by getting underneath someone else’s skin? I don’t think I can give you an answer reader, because I couldn’t do it. In all honesty I did try some months ago, it didn’t work out. I kissed someone else who wasn’t you, and I felt empty, and it wasn’t fair. Sometimes I do wonder if there is a cure for a broken heart. Would I take a pill to make me forget about what we shared to stop this pain? No. I rather feel this pain and know that whatever was between us was real. Because it was.
I admit that it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. At least, I’m glad it is not an excruciating pain. Nonetheless my biggest fear is that I might really forget about you. Can I really do that? Time will tell. For now, I’m still thinking about us when we used to be between the sheets.”
Lexa checked her watch and noticed she had spent a long time in the park. No wonder she was cold.
When she began to return to the hotel, her cellphone kept in her back pocket vibrated, and she pulled it out. It was Raven being a total annoying little shit.
MechaRay: yoooo Commander, get your head back in the game. Clarkey has been spotted laughing with a hot barista named Niylah. Cute but not you.
Lexa sighed and typed a quick response.
Lexa: I told you I’m not interested in hearing about Clarke’s life. Let her do whatever she wants.
MechaRay: don’t be an idiot Lexa, I’m being a good sport here and helping Clarke realize that Niylah is not what she needs. For that to happen I need you to get your shit together and call her, tweet her, do something!!!
Lexa: Clarke doesn’t want my friendship or anything to do with me.
MechaRay: ffs Lexa, C is jealous af whenever she sees your pictures w your fans. That moron is thirsting and hard, always complaining about how they grab you and kiss you. Niylah is hot and really nice, but she’s ruining my dynamic of blonde/brunette.
Lexa chuckled and typed her reply before heading inside the lobby.
Lexa: Sorry I ruined your f/f pairing Raven but maybe you should focus on your own gf instead of your best friend’s love life.
Lexa called the lift but of course some fans were there waiting for her, and Lexa hung out with them briefly, signed autographs and took pictures before finally getting back to her room.
Another message bleeped on her screen. She slid the lockscreen, and as she removed her boots she noticed it was someone else.
Pocahontas: aaaaaayyyy bitches, don’t you worry Lexie, we’ll make sure to keep Clarke single until you return.
Lexa frowned realizing she just got included in a chat group.
GrounderPrincess: OMFG Raven. WTF is this?
MechaRay: It’s Lexa’s support group Anya. Clarkey wants to bang the hot barista while thirsting for Lexa.
GrounderPrincess: Who, Niylah? Sweet.
Lexa: Sweet? Anya why are you supporting Clarke getting it on with whomever this Niylah is?
Pocahontas: someone is jelly XD
GrounderPrincess: I agree she’s hot Lex not that I want Clarke to screw her. Chill. I would bang 10/10
Anya attached a picture and saw a tall slender blonde woman with a sweet smile and caring brown eyes at the coffee shop counter speaking with Clarke.
“Fuck!” Okay this wasn’t good at all. Niylah was beautiful, and the churning in Lexa’s belly was a bad sign.
Lexa: Wait, are you there right now?
GrounderPrincess: Yup :) This monkey here forced me to hang out with her squad. It’s pretty weird.
MechaRay: Anya, admit you love to hang out with the three powerpuff girls ;P
Lexa could clearly imagine the huge eye roll Anya was giving Raven right now.
Pocahontas: ok C is coming back. We got you Commander. C wants only to be friends w Niylah cos at our nacho nights all she babbles about in her drunken state is you. How pretty you look with your loose braidless hair, your pretty lips and all that shit.
GrounderPrincess: we totally should include in this chat group the almighty Wanheda. I mean she’s the only one left out :(
Lexa: Hell no!
MechaRay: Anyway Lexa, get your whipped ass back here and get your gal pal back. We’ll hold the fort for you.
Lexa was smiling, and she was happy. Who could have imagined that she was going to be glad to meet Raven and company? Their friendship was gold and even Octavia was nice, after warming up to her after a difficult beginning. She could really get used to have more than just a couple of friends. The only thing that bothered her was this Niylah woman. For Lexa no one could be good enough for her Clarke. However, if Clarke was going to smile and be happy, then Lexa could deal with it.
Lexa changed into comfortable clothes and decided to Skype with Anya, but seeing that her best friend was not online, she decided to call instead Costia. December had arrived faster than Lexa imagined. Being away from home had been difficult but also rewarding. She met so many people who had been inspired and touched by Alexandria. It was an incredible journey that gave her time to focus on other aspects of her life, and let her be at peace with Clarke.
Yes, Clarke and Niylah dated very briefly according to her chat support group that basically turned into a fun escape and made her feel less alone. According to them Clarke realized finally that she was still in love with her. Lexa couldn’t dare to hope yet. She wasn’t going to survive heartbreak again.
After a couple of seconds the video call connected, and the warm brown eyes and easy smile of the dark skinned woman who was like a saint to her greeted her with kindness.
“Hey Lexa, how is everything going? I heard Boston was a success, same thing with Minnesota. I am proud of what you’re doing.”
“Thank you, Cos. It’s exciting, but I have to admit I miss Anya and of course you.”
Costia giggled; she leaned on her desk and propped her elbows over her desk resting her head in her palms. “We miss you too Lexa. Anya is grumpier at school though, and complains a lot about Raven, Octavia and Clarke. It’s pretty amazing that she joined them in their adventures. At least they have established a good friendship.”
“Yes. Surprisingly they get along really well.”
Costia laughed with bliss.
“How are you?” Lexa asked.
“I’m staying busy organizing my holidays in New York. I’m bringing more of Clarke’s work to our gallery. That girl has done incredible artwork during these past 6 months Lexa. She paints with her heart and it’s beautiful. It’s like my old student is back.”
“I’m proud of her. Clarke is extremely talented.”
Costia grinned and nodded. “She is.”
“And things with Anya?” Lexa really needed to know if there was a chance for her two friends to really hit it off. Lexa suspected that Anya hanging out with the trio had more to do with staying away from Costia than anything else.
Costia sighed with such a tender expression. Costia cared for Anya, and they had gone through some shit in the past, but they were so good and strong together. It was seriously a big question of why things didn’t work like Anya thought they would when she confessed. “We’re good Lexa. I mean, we talk at work and um, sometimes when Raven and Octavia hang out with Clarke here at the Ark, Anya joins them and um…”
Lexa saw the pain in her eyes, it was the same as hers. Costia cared maybe a bit more than she admitted at the moment for Anya. She was truly suffering from Anya’s distance.
“Hey Cos. I assure you Anya still loves you. Just because she’s now friends with Raven, Octavia and Clarke doesn’t mean anything. She’s still your friend.” Lexa reassured the artist.
Costia narrowed her eyes the slightest.
“What? Is that not right?”
“Yes, we’re friends but…” Costia raked her hands through her curls. “She’s always keeping our conversations short. She barely looks at me anymore and I miss her stupid jokes. Anya is still friendly but not like before, and I miss the old Anya.”
“I understand.” Lexa clearly understood what was going on with Anya; it could be the same situation between her and Clarke if she had remained close to her. Pining for someone who didn’t love them back. “Anya is still Anya. The problem is that she assumed she ruined things when she told you about her feelings and of course, Anya doesn’t know how to act with you anymore because it hurts. I get it because that’s how I feel about Clarke.”
Costia remained silent for several minutes; Lexa noticed the subtle changes in Costia’s facial expression. Those eyes were hopeful and yet, there was some kind of hesitation in her body language - confusion even.
“This is too frustrating. Anyway,” Costia changed the subject abruptly, “Clarke’s still reading Polis. You know what that means?”
That information was clearly unexpected. Lexa had imagined that Clarke severed all their ties, and her so-called support group didn’t say anything, unless they had no idea. Which meant that Clarke read in the privacy of the art workshop away from prying eyes.
“Is she?”
“Yep, Clarke looks more relaxed and happier now when she reads. She knows it’s you now, and she has this dumb smile when she thinks no one is watching, but I notice. She enjoys what you write Lexa.”
“Thanks for telling me this Costia. I wish I could Skype more, but I’m really tired. And tomorrow I’ll have to do that live interview.”
“We can’t wait to watch you on TV. Good luck and come back home soon.”
Lexa shut down her laptop, and after brushing her teeth and taking a quick shower she went to bed with a hopeful smile on her face. If Clarke was still reading her column, this could mean that maybe Clarke was ready to forgive her once and for all.
Maybe Clarke could see past Alexandria and see the real Lexa. The Lexa who opened up for her and only her.
Maybe was better than never.